Many Reasons For the Season

So I queued up Red Christmas via Netflix because hey! I like a good seasonal horror flick. With Christmas looming, why not devote that Monday to a new yuletide slasher?

Then I slogged through the mean-spirited coal that was Red Christmas and thought to myself, you know Emily, this year has been ugly enough without ending it on such a negative, punishing, anti-choice, mixed garbage statement of a movie. Let's find a happier note to play, something seasonal but positive.

So here are a few random things to love about horror movies during the holidays. And if nothing here works, just screw it all and queue up The Muppet Family Christmas for the 9,00th time. No judgement here. 

The Crypt Keeper Singing Holiday Jingles

Easily the best item ever to be purchased in the '90s by a teenage Emily at the Spencer's Gifts, this album (originally on cassette tape, natch) includes a dozen holiday tunes with the lyrics rewritten to be more fitting of the singer, John Kassir's pun-wielding, tale-spinning Crypt Keeper. Can't get your Walkman working? Revel in the kindness of strangers with YouTube accounts.

The Very Fact That There Exists Not One But Two Killer Snowman Movies

And yet, the unrelated but weirdly similar Michael Keaton family film of the same name is somehow far creepier

The Choice to View Christmas Evil As a Magical Tale of a Lonely Santa-Loving Man Ascending to Angel Status

My (and John Waters) favorite holiday genre film can be viewed as a lot of things: a an early entry into the slasher Santa trend, tragic tale of mental illness taken to extremes, the chance to spot a way-pre-Home Improvement Patricia Richardson in a tiny role. For my money, it's something even more special (that's also all of those things). The key to keeping Christmas Evil on the right side of your heart is to make the conscious decision that SPOILER ALERT! Harry Stadling's van doesn't crash and burn after his killing spree is over, but rather, transcends into the heavens, transforming into a magical sleigh and changing our sad sack factory worker into the real deal Santa. 

Margot Kidder In Black Christmas, Goddess

Easily on the top five list of Film Characters I Want To Lost a Drinking Game To. She. Is. Divine.

Vincent Cassel's Insanity In Sheitan

The movie itself? Somewhat insufferable. The MAN himself? 

A god. Or, well, technically agent of the devil. 

The Most Feel-Good Pop Montage In the Least Feel-Good Slasher

I've said it again and I'll say it an estimated 781 more times before I die: Silent Night Deadly Night is memorable for a bevy of reasons, but none more so than the weirdly placed, tonally mismatched "The Warm Side of the Door" sequence, wherein a sweet country tune cheerfully plays as our soon-to-be-mass-murderer learns about friendship, work ethic, and the joy of having alcoholic bosses.

Eric Freeman's Case For The Academy Awards Adding a Category for Best Performance By a Pair of Eyebrows

I mean...

Clint Howard's Phallic Coven Mask

Everybody forgets Silent Night Deadly Night Part 4 because it doesn't have The Warm Side of the Door or eyebrows, but you what it does have? Murderous roller blades. Also, this:

Ray Wise & Lin Shaye In Dead End

A good but flawed little Christmas Eve ghost story, Dead End deserves to be seen more, mostly because, you know, Ray Wise and Lin Shaye. 

Disco Cameo Greatness

Don't Open Til Christmas is filled with a lot of wonderful things, among them, a smily plastic mask, Halloween costume holiday parties, charmingly innocent peep show conversations, a sleazy male flutist, and insanely slow motion overwrought flashbacks. But you know what REALLY makes it exciting? That it has Caroline Munro randomly performing a disco number. Because if that's not the real reason for the season, what is?

An Infinite (Kinda) Giveaway

It's the season of giving, my little elves and elvettes, and thusly do I present a new giveaway here at the Doll's House! In honor of the special and weird and brilliant web series Infinite Santa, someone's getting stuff!

Who is this Santa and what's so infinite about him, you ask? Well allow the power of the Internet to tell you:

Infinite Santa 8000 is an animated web series brought to you by the power team behind Drive In Horrorshow, told in 3ish minute or so installments on www.infinitesanta.com. Aside from being awesome, it combines four of my favorite things:

1. Post-apocalyptic survival

2. Santa Claus

3. Cartoons

4. Not costing anything

EVERYBODY wins! Except the unlucky saps stuck foraging in the future. But their pain is our entertainment so Merry Christmas!

For the full ongoing series, head on over to the official website where you can watch Santa's adventures AND finally find a way around glamour shots or Hallmark shopping. The Infinite Santa Store offers a mall-full of fun stuff available for purchase, including most seasonally, kickass holiday greeting cards.

Cocreator Michael Neel has generously donated some sexy swag to lucky reader, but I'm playing Black Peter (not really, cause you know, blackface) by making you folks work for it. 

So here lies the rules!

As evidenced by my monthlong quest to focus on Christmas cinema, I'm a fan of the genre, even when it's abysmal. What I want to know: what is your favorite December holiday film and why? It doesn't have to be horror-related, and I'll try my damnest to vote on the quality of your sales pitch rather than my own movie preferences. So no, JUST because you pick Silent Night Deadly Night 2 does not guarantee you the victory.

Just send me an email at deadlydollshouse at gmail dot com with a sentence or two explaining your pick and why it's so dang special. It can be film or TV-based, Christmas or Festivas or Chanukkah or Kwanzaka or whatever it is that happens around time of year and inspired somebody with a camera to make something good. Or terribly good.

Taking a note from the cruel landlord of The Christmas That Almost Wasn't or the overly sensitive St. Nick of Rankin & Bass' Twas the Night Before Christmas, the deadline is midnight on Christmas Eve.

The prize: Some Infinite Santa goodies, plus a DVD of my choosing and whatever other random physical objects I feel worthy of stuffing in a box. And yes, that could potentially mean that if Mookie is acting particularly scratchy that day or if Joplin's possession continues to be an inconvenience, you're getting a cat.

Barring any personal or government secrets, I'll post and respond to EVERYBODY's answers once the eggnog wears off and crown a winner as I eat Christmas leftovers. Happy writeupping!

Bayside Cheese In Your Stocking: Holiday In Handcuffs

As I cycle through the ABC Family Channel and Lifetime's Christmas themed offerings, I'm noticing a few repetitve themes about, apparently,  the extreme difficulty attractive women face around the holidays. Among them:

-Overbearring families

-Seemingly perfect siblings

-Job trouble

-Randomly available and readily employed suitors

-Montages

-Slow-motion stress buildups that show just how noisy life really is

-Living in huge apartments despite aforementioned job trouble

Holiday In Handcuffs--not a porn, although the title and premise scream for one--features all these threads, but beats the likes of Snowglobe and Golden Christmas (about a magical golden retriever who reunites childhood sweethearts and has puppies who she then abandons, natch) because it also includes a climax that involves figure skating.

Hence, best Christmas movie since Silent Night Deadly Night 2.

Quick Plot: Poor Trudie (Clarissa, giving a slightly better performance than in Nine Dead) lives in a sprawling but messy loft apartment and works as a diner waitress while trying to get a sales job set up by her dad (the increasingly eerily George Bush Jr. resembling Tim Bottoms). At about the 3/4 mark of the film, we also learn that she's a frustrated painter because just like V.C. Andrews novels, no Lifetime heroine can be relatable without a hidden artistic talent.

Most importantly, she's single, which means (to the target audience) her life is worthless.

AND she has terrible hair.

Thankfully, A.C. Slater has come to town to slip on ice, play hockey, dangle around an engagement ring and take his shirt off. A catch like this, why WOULDN'T you kidnap him with a 19th century musket, tie him up with a wool scarf, secure his hands with fuzzy cuffs provided by the kindly & kinky gas station attendent, and tell  your folks that your new boyfriend gets off on pretending to be held hostage?

Admittedly, the initial introduction of Mario Lopez to Trudie's clueless family is not without chuckles, as their daftness about their daughter's crime comes close to rivaling the Dodos' empty headedness of Follow That Bird. Once the humor gets broader--i.e., let's meet the dirty talking grandma who uses the word 'tatas'--and Lopez has to turn genuine, Holiday In Handcuffs loses most of its charms.

I don't know about you, but I don't particularly want to live in a world where Melissa Joan Hart reproduces with Mario Lopez. Heck, I don't want to believe Mario Lopez has sex with anyone other than himself, and even that makes me feel bad for him because I'm sorry but WHO WANTS TO HAVE SEX WITH MARIO LOPEZ?

Oh right, Mario Lopez does.

But just like the token love interest in Snowglobe, he studied architecture and is somewhat available (a pesky fiancee is easily discarded). Lopez gets the edge by having an orphan sob story, so with a little nudging to Trudie's artistic talent and, you know, a how-can-I-not-fall-in-love-with-the-cute-blond-who-can-do-double-axels sequence, everyone has a merry Christmas.

Even Grams' tatas.

  

Lessons Learned

Sooner or later, guys overpower girls

The word ‘crap’ is quite tacky

Little known fact: nervous breakdowns come in sizes

As do awkward publicity photos

The Winning Line

“I’m just dating a few guys. I didn’t say I slept with them. I’m not a slut.”

Nope Clarissa' little sister, you're just a tease.

Stray SVU Connection

Just before queuing up Holiday In Handcuffs, I set the tone by watching the episode of Law & Order: SVU titled "Svengali," wherein Mad Men's Jarred Harris plays a sadistic artist whose charisma inspires young women to murder for him. At one point, the camera lingers over Harris' portraits and I would bet a pair of Chris Meloni eyebrows that they were crafted by the same painter who made Trudie's sketches. Should I find that as rewarding as I do?

Open Xmas Question

Does any family consisting solely of grown adults spend Christmas Eve gathered around while one member reads Twas the Night Before Christmas out loud? Admittedly, my folks were never big on holiday traditions, but SERIOUSLY?

Token Slapstick Alert
Someone read a book about funny things that happen on ice, and hence, Holiday In Handcuffs gives us several "Ow, that's gonna hurt!" sequences on a frozen pond

Montage Mania
Two by my count, as we follow Slater's gradual glee at being kidnapped by insane Christmas geeks and later, his sadness at an impending unhappy marriage

Sass Factor

Trudie's man-hating, man-sleeping-with best friend who gets to dress like a Christmas hooker while telling police officers how terrible their penises are

Stocking Stuffer or Stuffed With Coal

Holiday in Handcuffs is a horror film, just for different reasons than Don't Open Til Christmas or good-spirited director Ron Underwood's more amazing Tremors. Being part of a family that still insists on writing letters to Santa when the kids are in their 30s, having to listen to Mom talk about her annual and unfulfilling birthday sex, and worst of all, being trapped in a secluded cabin with Mario Lopez is far more terrifying than anything Billy OR Ricky Caldwell did through bloodied Santa suits. All this being said, the movie--streaming on Netflix--is cute for people that think things like this are cute.

Or I could just look at puppy pictures and enjoy something that's actually cuter.

Do You Hear What I Hear?

Namely, the sounds of reindeer hooves, dreidel spins, and of course, impalements via antlers. After all, it's officially December!


And there's plenty to be eggnogcited about (that didn't work, did it). Because as a browse of my tags proves I've seen *almost* every Christmas-themed horror film yet to be made, the Doll's House is getting a kinder, more TV-G rating over here (in subject matter only) as the month will vary between genre films and, well, gooey love stories or puppy tails produced for such luminary networks as Ion, Hallmark, Lifetime, or the ABC Family Channel. Basically, any movie starring C-list actresses while they're killing baby weight time on maternity leave or lesser Baldwins trying to make enough cash to buy richer brother Alec an acceptable Christmas gift. Or at least, I HOPE that's why Daniel accepted a role in the abominable (and soon to be reviewed) Christmas With a Capital C. That's the kind of crazy crap I only accept from Stephen.


Also on tap this month: ME!

If you're in the New York area next Saturday night, how about heading uptown to a lovely little restaurant oozing in good beer and more importantantly, seasonal comedy? I'll be playing Andy Richter to the Podcast Podcast's Fozziebare as he hosts the second Late Night Chat Room at Inwood's India Road Cafe (details on the Facebook page here). The topic of the night? What else could it be but bad Christmas movies of course! Also in the liquored studio will be the fellas from the We Hate Movies Podcast, so swipe your MetroCard and head on up for a night of  good deeds (bringing cans to donate is encouraged), laughter (we'll be funny), and my argument for why the below-clipped film is a true yuletide classic:

Featuring my all-time favorite performance by a pair of eyebrows in cinema.

Santa Rooney!

One of the truest tragedies of the ‘90s had to be the sudden death of the Silent Night, Deadly Night franchise. Few other horror series managed such an odd mix of seasonal sleaziness and utter awfulness to the point of comedy gold. The first two films will remain classics of a different era, one where a great movie could be made pieced entirely from scenes of its predecessor, mixed gloriously with some of the worst acting (though to be fair, best by eyebrows) in cinema history. Part 3 was something of a bore, while Brian Yuzna’s followup offered something new, if imperfect. 

So with the hot chocolate cooling, I finally sat down to rewatch, after a decade and a half, Silent Night Deadly Night 5: The Toymaker.

Quick Plot: Like so many Christmas themed horror movies, a young boy briefly watches his parents get it on. That’s just foreplay for a mysterious Christmas gift from a stranger, one that shirtless dad has the unluck of opening, being facehugged by, and strategically eye-impaled on a firepoker. 

No wonder why some people hate the holidays.

Little Derek (the toy soldier from Demonic Toys, boo yah!) catches the kid from Scrooged’s disease wherein such a traumatic event has left him mute. Newly single mom Sarah does what she can to cheer up her kid, even going so far as to take him to the local toy shop run by Joe Petto (get it? really, do you?) and his awkward teenage son.

Oh, and Joe is played by The Manipulator himself, Mickey Rooney.

Meanwhile, a self-inflicted mysterious man named Noah enters the picture, buying Petto’s toys and conducting Jack Skellington-like experiments to trace their evil. Sure, he also causes the death of his landlord and terrifies Derek with an awful mall Santa gig, but since he’s the best looking male onscreen, we can at least count on his wavy brown locks to see us and our women and children through to the end.

There are, of course, a few California Christmas-related side notes. Neith Hunter, who savvy viewers may remember as the bewitched lead in SIlent Night Deadly Night 4, pops in as Sarah’s neighbor, occasionally offering knowing remarks with hints to how “You would not believe the things I’ve been through.” This comes right before her bratty baggy pants wearing teen son nearly explodes from some mischievous roller blades, which is slightly fabulous. Even Clint Howard stops by in an all-too brief cameo. Also of note is a horny couple that proves why parents should simply never hire teenage babysitters and why horny babysitters should never expect to survive an evening of consummated affection.

High Points

For a movie that was clearly heading straight to video, you reallly have to admire the playful score, which subtly calls up fitting musical themes for its death scenes, including an Egyptian-style toot for a snake kill and an almost Psycho-esque staccato for a water pistol shooting

The full reveal of the main villain is nicely bizarre and rather icky

Low Points

Perhaps it was some budgetary restraints, but there's something about this film that feels so ...small. Aside from a handful of main characters, we never see the killer toys cause any real mayhem on strangers. Even the fact that Noah has a connection to Sarah and Derek, and yet also *happens* to be investigating Joe Petto is in itself a seemingly easy way to keep costs low by confining all conflict to our leads.

Lessons Learned

It's perfectly normal for a child to never speak again after witnessing the horrific and bizarre death of his father

Not all kids are asking for Larry the Larvae crawling toys, especially when they're known to cause fatal car accidents

In the 1990s, California shopping malls employed one dozen workers at a time to man the Santa/Elf station

Rent/Bury/Buy

It’s a shame Silent Night, Deadly Night 5 doesn’t have any special features, as it’s a surprisingly interesting little Christmas movie and easily one of the best of its series. Sure, that’s not saying a whole lot when your biggest competition is Garbage Day!, but The Toymaker is a strange watch, filled with passable performances and some groovy kills. 

Santa Roll Call

As some of you know and others don't care about, I spent the last year or so contributing to Pop Syndicate, a recently renovated website that lost all its past content (and writers). The following article appeared in 2009 and since you can't find it anywhere else in InterWorld, I'm rerunning it here, with a few edits. Apologies for the deja vu.

As I sprinkle my sugar cookies in anticipation of a certain cheerful home invader’s arrival, it seems fitting to consider, judge, and rank some of cinema’s Santariffic incarnations. Naturally, we’re not talking about Tim Allen (although that’s a horror in itself) 

7. Wayne, Santa Claws

Unless you really dig C-movie actresses rubbing teddy bears over their artificial bodies to one electronically synched beat playing on loop OR have a serious fear of garden weasels, there’s not much to love in this John A. Russo directed “horror” from 1996. Yes, that’s the same man whose name graces the screenwriting credit of Night of the Living Dead, but he’s seriously etched his name onto the naughty list with this soft(er than a fleece blanket)-core porn/autistic community theater production of a slasher film about a lonely man harnessing a fatal crush on Debbie Rochon. His way into her heart? Donning aforementioned garden weasel, dressing as Santa, spray painting his costume black, drugging her children with sedative-laced hot cocoa, and strangling a few of her competitors for the Scream Queen Christmas Calendar. It’s far worse than it sounds.

6. Bill Goldberg in Santa’s Slay

Little known fact: Santa is a gambling man, child hater, and crappy curling player. 1000 years ago, he lost a somewhat cheated bet with a claymation angel an as punishment, was forced to bring presents to all the well-behaved Christian kids of the world. A millennium’s worth of ho-ing breeds an awful lot of resentment in a man, so it’s not overly surprising to watch him slaughter his way through Rob Zombie-esque strippers and grumpy old ladies the second his spell wears off. Former WWE champ Bill Goldberg has a sort of Bill Mosely on steroids feel that works for the ridiculous character, but this Santa loses a point for a) not being a well-written film and b) stabbing the kindly Jewish butcher, who by any logic, should be one of the only characters a disgruntled Santa tired of giving gifts would spare. 

5. Mike McGavin, Elves

I’ve probably discussed this 1989 bottom feeding flick with far more energy than the one time I watched it fifteen or so years ago, but one can’t draw up a Ho Ho Horror list without citing Grizzly Adams himself donning the hopefully dry cleaned mall Santa suit and battling (sadly sans costume) a genetically engineered homicidal Nazi elf. How can you not root for a guy with naturally pruned facial hair that puts all polyester beard to shame?

4. Rebecca, Cuento de Navidad

Roseanne Barr shocked the television waves with the in-your-face realism of her small screen family, but we also can’t forget her glass ceiling shattering insistence on donning the big man’s suit for some extra December cash at the Lanford Mall. Paco Plaza’s The Christmas Tale features a similar twist: a mysterious dark-haired woman clad as Santa Claus has stolen $2 million and now finds herself trapped in a deep and lonely forest ditch, where her only salvation is a group of ‘80s infused children with mixed morality. I’d hate to spoil this excellent little offbeat thriller (found on the Spanish series Six Films to Keep You Awake), so just know that Rebecca does get to prowl the lonely woods with a sharpened axe and serious lack of Christmas spirit.

3. The Chapman Bros.Silent Night, Deadly Night 1-3

Gifted with one of the easiest psychologically explained motives in slasher history (crazy grandpa’s insistence that Santa’s purpose is to discipline sinners; parents’ subsequent murder after cursing; an abusive nun wielding a switch at the sight of premarital sex) and one of the best one word mottos ever (PUNISH!), Silent Night, Deadly Night helped to set the popularize and polarize Christmas massacres for all time. Billy himself is something of a drip, but he does earn points for innovative slayings (including one involving a slay) and honoring the honor system by trusting “nice kids” and improvising presents. Yes, the knife you just used to kill a little girl’s older sister’s boyfriend may be a slightly inappropriate stocking stuffer, but it’s the thought that counts. Little brother Rickey is a little less effective as Old St. Nick (although his eyebrows alone could possibly steer eight reindeer solo). We’ll give him a pass for being an infant at the initial Chapman family tragedy, especially since he still managed to remember and recount that and the entire rest of Silent Night, Deadly Night to take up 60% of the running time of his first sequel.

2. Jack Skellington/Santy Claws, The Nightmare Before Christmas

When we really consider Jack’s Kringle skills in this stop motion animated masterpiece, we can’t be kinder than A for Effort, D for Execution (especially since all the kids seemed to survive--I mean...carry on). Mr. Claws, on the other hand, is kind of a pompous jerk with a sense of self-importance as big as his bloated waistline. Still, the little booted big man should be commended for cleaning up Jack’s mess with such speed and efficiency, not to mention introducing the concept of snowballs to Halloweentown. 

1. Harry Stadling, Christmas Evil 

He makes high quality presents. He’s a smooth dancer and thorough spy, but it’s Harry’s innocent yearlong yuletide spirit that really earns him the top spot. Sure, his standards for the Nice List are a little controversial (bad breath could be genetic and being “just darling” seems a little surface), but of all the cinematic characters to ever don a homemade wool jumpsuit, it’s Brandon Maggart’s Travis Bickle after too many candy canes from this 1980 low budget classic that makes the holiday. Although the stress of non-believers does eventually drive him to multiple homicide, Harry follows his own dream and is never happier than when donating a van full of handcrafted toys to a needy children’s hospital. He’s a taker of unworthy lives, but a giver of true joy.