We're Opening Doors!

 

As a 44-year-old, I'm not exactly sure when I was supposed to have learned about liminal spaces. Obviously, it's a big thing! Backrooms? Kids love these backrooms!

I'm still trying to figure out what they are. 

I think today's film lives in this universe. But I don't know, because I'm rather old. 

Quick Plot: Brian is filming his graffiti artist pal Emily at work in an abandoned building when she discovers a perfectly clean white door standing in the middle of rubble. She enters, only to disappear as Brian spots some kind of red-eyed create inside.

One month later, filmmaker pals Sam and Ash discover the footage online and decide to investigate for their next documentary project. They start by interviewing Brian, who fears the worst. That doesn't stop the women from finding the door and bringing it to their very own apartment.

At first, Sam and Ash are still convinced it's all a trick. By the second door opening, they realize they're very, very wrong.

Something is happening on the other side. There are dead loved ones, chatty Malteses, and mirrors that are not quite mirrors. After post-it'ing out all the possibilities, the women decide their only real option is to go inside. 

Armed with their cell phones, they discover a sort of children's play area with shades of Squid Game's production design. Signs guide them to free hugs dispensed by a giant stuffed panda...who then reveals spidery tentacles and chases them outside. 

Back in the real world, Ash and Sam team up with college professor Innis, a specialist in these kinds of altered realities. He helps lead them to some important conclusions: these doors are gateways to other dimensions (obviously) but more importantly, the person entering has some sway over its design. 

That's important when these places might require some kind of human sacrifice.

At barely 80 minutes, Hostile Dimensions wastes little time plunging us into its weird little worlds. Writer/director Graham Hughes, with some great help from lead actors Annabel Logan and Joma West, nails his unique tone. Hostile Dimensions is horror with an undercurrent of comedy that somehow works so much better than my description would probably have you believe. 

By this point in time, found footage is a familiar genre that still remains incredibly tricky to pull off well. Hostile Dimensions manages to succeed with an intriguing story, natural actors, and a willingness to embrace the absurd. 

High Points

I love a short movie, and I love a short movie even more when it ends and I want more

Low Points

While I was intrigued by one of our main character's pretty big choices in the end, I did feel (maybe because of the 80 minute runtime) that we didn't quite get to a point where I understood it

Lessons Learned

When something tells you it's dangerous, you should believe it

A talking dog is scary in any size

There's not much of an audience for stories about boutique teddy bear manufacturers

Rent/Bury/Buy

I had a great time with Hostile Dimensions. It's as unnerving as it is funny as it is, simply, very strange. Find it on Shudder.

At Least We Don't Have to Study

 

Sometimes you just need some zombies. It's just life.

Quick Plot: Sloane is having a rough December morning. Her butter is hard, her father abusive, and her suicide note still needs one more draft. It's almost a relief when fast zombies show up to sprint through her small Canadian town.

She manages to make it to her school where a few classmates have found safety. There's some cafeteria food, running water, and windows that are fairly easy to secure. Also, depression and the justifiable dread that life is short.

Based on Courtney Summers' 2012 novel, This Is Not a Test is written and directed by Adam MacDonald, the prolific creator of Slasher who demonstrated a great understanding of teenage angst in Pyewacket. On paper, this movie offers a LOT: the charming Olivia Holt in the lead, a nostalgic 1998 setting, and a good old fashioned simple zombie story that can always serve as a solid background.

So why is This Is Not a Test so...blah?

It starts with the timeline. A December date is great for giving us some sad snow and tonally conflicting cheery holiday decorations, but This Is Not a Test barely acknowledges it. The kids wisely keep the lights off in their school to not call attention to their hiding space, but this also means the film's coloring is unbearably, glumly gray. 

The young actors try, but they're not served well by a script that can't seem to decide who any of them really are. Early ringleader Cary shows some shifty morality in the beginning, butting heads with a town mother in a way that makes for the film's most interesting conflict. But that's done before Act 2, and Cary seems to spend the rest of the movie in the background before making a grand but confusing choice in the finale. 

The rest of the kids aren't given much more. Olivia Holt feels miscast as the shy, suicidal Sloane. There is some complexity in the relationships between the kids (a sibling pair, some romance, the addition of a teacher to really twist things around) but there just isn't any real development between them. I'm guessing the novel had more heft that the film kind of assumes without providing. It's just an extreme lack of anything definitive to give a perfectly fine group of young actors.

I didn't necessarily dislike This Is Not a Test. It held my attention, but by the end, I felt so disappointed by what I didn't get, especially considering the talent here.

High Points

While not groundbreaking, the zombie action is generally handled quite well (especially when you've seen as many low budget genre movies as I have). There are even some interesting ideas about how they seem to be evolving in 'napping' to wait out their prey

Low Points
I've said it before and I'll most certainly say it again: I hate blood spatter on a camera. All it does is call attention to the fact that you're watching a movie and the director thought this was cool

Lessons Learned

When you're smart you don't have to cheat on a test

Just because you're no longer someone's teacher doesn't mean you should instantly comment on how pretty she is

You can always find extra clothes in the drama department

Rent/Bury/Buy

This Is Not a Test is a slightly better-than-average zombie movie, but that's in part because there are a LOT of very cheaply made zombie movies. It will certainly scratch that very particular undead itch that most horror fans experience every few months, but once you sit back to think about the film, it dwindles. Find it on Shudder if you're curious. 

Hello Mudduh

 

Summer means a lot of things, including me using it as a reason to watch any horror movie set in a sleepaway camp.

Quick Plot: Our backstory comes via a creepily enthusiastic local news anchor reporting about the anniversary of the massacre at Camp Twilight. Seriously, she's REALLY excited about it.

Some years earlier (if I'm understanding this movie's timeline?), a young couple disappeared while skinny dipping. The next night, another pair (bitter middle aged moms who hate their families) were enjoying some much needed beers in the same spot when a figure in black drops by to murder them.

The keystone rangers are fumbling through some clues, but not quickly enough to stop the next visitors: a batch of failing high school students forced to attend a weekend trip at the same cursed location under the watch of principal Warner and enthusiastic teacher Miss Bloom (producer and co-writer Felissa Rose, who obviously knows a thing or two about sleepaway camps). 

The teens grumble and grope while their numbers begin to dwindle. Who could it be prowling the campgrounds in a sweatsuit that looks like it had to have the logo ripped off right before shooting?

Woof, Camp Twilight is not good. The acting makes RuPaul's Drag Race sketches feel positively Shakespearean, while the violence is so quickly staged that we barely register a character's in danger, let alone already stabbed to death. And the reveal...oh my, the reveal.

I actually won't spoil Camp Twilight, because honestly, while you might see the ending coming, it's probably the only real interesting thing the film has going for it. But let me discuss, without naming names, the coda.

After the massacre ends, the film goes on for another five minutes with audio newscasters telling us more developments in the case as the camera watches a car drive on a coastal highway. Over the course of these five minutes, we learn that our killer escaped, a survivor was institutionalized, our killer was spotted, our survivor was released from custody and then arrested (seriously, that one happens in one report), and that our killer was spotted again. I understand any low budget film cutting corners, but by god, there has got to be a better way.

High Points

Felissa Rose seems like a very cheerful and lovely person

Low Points

She's in a very bad movie

Lessons Learned

Just because you're a good enough athlete to have a full athletic scholarship doesn't mean you're able to outrun a slasher walking briskly

The best place to keep your convenience store gun is right in an open cubby

Florida detectives are not only bad at their jobs: they're also terrible at hemming pants

Rent/Buy/Buy

I'm sure there's a small contingent of horror completists who feel compelled to watch every slasher. That's really the only type of person who should watch Camp Twilight. It's on Amazon Prime if you're that kind of weirdo, or, I guess, if you're a parent to one of the actors?