The Youth of Amer--er, England

Let's start with the obvious: Eden Lake is not Eden Log.

However, because they sounded the same and word on the Internet Super Highway was that one was good and one was not, I, being someone unable to tell similar things apart (don't even try to tell me the difference between Grimm and Once Upon a Time or Chicago Hope and ER; I refuse to care), never wanted to risk watching the one that was not good. There are enough well-enough-regarded horror films out there in the world that I can surrender one without trying.

Well, upon a little random internet investigation (aka, I read something somewhere and forgot where so I can't give credit where it might have been due), I learned that Eden LAKE (not Log) happens to involve violent teenagers. Teenagers CAN be grouped in the 'darned kids' category that I forever celebrate, particularly in this snow-covered month party of vertically challenged villains. 

So I figured, why not take a dip?

One more thing!

To add to the confusion, Eden LOG is directed by a man named Frank Vestiel, whose credits include being the assistand director on the French film Ils (aka Them), which just so happens to also be about punk kids tormenting a couple. Eden Lake, which is ABOUT punk kids tormenting a couple, is directed by James Watkins of The Woman In Black 

(which is not at all about punk kids tormenting a couple, but does have a lot of monkey dolls)

Got that?

Quick Plot: Steve (long-torsoed darling Michael Fassbender) is whisking his girlfriend Kelly away for a weekend with the aim of proposing. He's expecting to take her to the titular Eden Lake region for a peaceful swim and quaint pub dinners at warm bed and breakfasts. 

Instead, they find rude bartenders, thin motel walls, bad parking, and worst of all, lots of teenagers.

Here's the thing: teenagers are terrifying creatures. 

Not all of them. I'm sure there are plenty of ninth graders who would happily help an elderly lady cross the street without picking her pocket. Individual teenagers are typically just fine. But take that nice, non-pocket-picking fifteen-year-old and stick him with five of his peers, let's say just TWO of whom WOULD pick that pocket, and I guarantee he'll be emptying her savings account and eating every last one of her hard candies while throwing the wrappers on her floor. 

Peer pressure, man. 

Before you can start smoking like the cool kids, Steve and Jenny have caught the shifty eyes of a gaggle of bratty teens and their barking rottweiler. Ever the alpha male, Steve just can't seem to walk away from their antics, leading to slashed tires, stolen bags, stabbed dogs, and, you know, being hunted and tortured.

Looks like Steve should have gone the old fashioned route and just proposed via jumbo-tron, where nothing can possibly go wrong.

Eden Lake is a well-made and effective horror film, though not necessarily that special of one. Similar in both style and quality to the remake of The Last House On the Left, it gives us an easily identifiable situation laden with the kind of small choices that lead to an amped up cat-and-mouse hunt covered in blood, flames, and, well, poop.

This IS the same man who wrote The Descent 2: The Poopening, after all.

Made right in the midst of the early 21st century torture boom, Eden Lake doesn't shy away from its horrors, nor does it exploit them where unnecessary. We see the effects of violence more than the acts itself, and since the tools used all have some wear themselves (rusted barbed wire, all-purpose box cutters), that's horrifying enough. Yes, terrible things happen, but director Watkins is wise in where and when he chooses to pull the camera away, focusing more on a safe character's reactions to a boy screaming than the brutal act that kills him.

This isn't a 'light' film by any means: terrible things happen to the young and old, guilty and innocent. There's certainly a heavy dose of nihilism that may sour or enhance the experience, viewer taste dependent. The fact that Watkins followed this outing up with the very strong, very different The Woman In Black makes me even more intrigued to see how he'll develop in the genre.

High Points

Apparently, Eden Lake drew some criticism for being perceived as 'classist' in showing the lower working class as villains relishing in the torture of yuppies. I don't think that's its intent in any way, though I did feel one of the film's subtle strengths is how it suggests a sort of generational culture of abuse. It's not that the English poor are prone to violence, but that the parents (who we casually meet at different moments in the film) continue the cycle of either punishing their kids too harshly (as noted when we see a mother slap her young son in public at a restaurant) or ignoring the weight of their misbehavior (as the waitress brushes off Steve's comment with defensiveness rather than concern). Eden Lake isn't trying to provide answers as to how to stop this kind of attitude, but it poses the questions in a careful way.

Low Points

For the most part, Jenny and Steve don't make the kind of annoyingly dumb moves designed to make viewers roll their eyes, but occasionally, we're still forced to let out annoyed sighs (i.e., when wondering what one character did all night to remedy the situation)

Lessons Learned

Don't wear gold tops if you're planning on spilling blood on them

Never talk smack about a small town's youth to a local waitress. With the platter comes the power, as I always say between pointed thank yous and pleases

Arya Stark is a badass; a fifteen-year-old British teenager in modern times with an uncanny resemblance to Arya Stark is less badass, but far more terrifying

Rent/Bury/Buy

As far as modern horror goes, Eden Lake is good, if unexceptional. Ils (assistant directed by the guy who made Eden Log, not Eden Lake; did I mention how confusing that is?) is, in my opinion, a more unique telling of a similar story, but those who appreciate sharp modern horror, Michael Fassbender in pain, or the potential terror of a group of adolescents will certainly find something worthwhile in this one.

Big Things!

As Hurricane Sandy sings her way through New York, I bid you all a safe and spooky All Hallow's Eve's Eve with a nudge towards another blog tearing up the season in gargantuan style. You all know and love T.L. Bugg, he the keeper and swatter of The Lightning Bug's Lair. This October, he's been posting up a storm (or tropical cyclone, however the weather people now choose to classify it) with daily posts on gigantic monsters.

Though such a focus seems to violate my belief that smaller things are scary (see February's annual Attack of the Shorties), I fully endorse the Bugg's seasonal posts, in part because he let me share a few of my own virtually gifted picks. Head on yonder for mack trucks, white worms, underrated sequels, and face punch-ins (because giants are generally really good at it). 

Plus, you get the Bugg's take on one of monster cinema's proudest moments, THEM! 

What more do you want? The power back on? Puh-leaze.

Unless you need it to read our posts. Then I guess you're entitled to that dream.

Honey, I Got Incredibly Shrunk

Well before a miniature Lily Tomlin played with gorillas, some time before a man became amazingly colossal and eons before two pairs of teenage neighbors pitted a lovable ant against an oddly California-based scorpion, Richard Matheson adapted his own tale of small-en-ing for Jack Arnold’s gloriously black and white suburban universe. While The Incredible Shrinking Man himself may not be a villain per say, his plight has inspired so much in cinema history that we can’t ignore his story here at the 2nd Annual Doll’s House Celebration of the Vertically Challenged any longer.

Quick Plot: Scott Carey (Grant Williams) is a successful man of the ‘50s: he has a pretty wife, a nice home, prestigious job and handsome physique worthy of all of the above. While out on his brother’s boat on a seemingly normal summer cruise, Scott spots a mysterious fog that leaves his skin misty. Some time later, Scott starts to notice significant weight loss and far more disturbing, shrinkage.

Not Seinfeldian shrinkage, or at least, not so outspokenly so. Scott measures himself a full four inches shorter than his driver’s license height and despite early doctors’ comments that such fluctuations are normal, Scott knows better. When his wife no longer needs to stand on her tiptoes to peck his cheek, Scott digs deeper to learn that the peaceful ocean trip has exposed him to a dangerous chemical solution that science can’t stop from making him tiny.

What to do when faced with such a future? Unable to drive or work, Scott sells his story only to then suffer the effects of tabloid fame. Meanwhile, his increasing littleness makes it harder and harder to connect with his wife, leading Scott into a warm friendship with a carnival midget (back when that was the correct term) before even her three foot stature becomes too high. 

Sentenced to live in a dollhouse and battle the family cat, Scott is mistaken for dead and imprisoned in the basement, where Shelobian spiders prowl and food is scarce.

The Incredible Shrinking Man is one of the 1950s’ best sci-fi films, up there in its own way with Invasion of the Body Snatchers and Them! Based on a novel by future Twilight Zone contributor Richard Matheson (who also wrote the screenplay), it’s on a much smaller scale than some of the more celebrated monster tales, but emerges quite well because of it. Scott—played with appropriate frustration by Williams--is essentially alone in his struggle and the film rightly captures that with its style. Long stretches contain no dialogue but are served well by a hard-working score, while most of the actual speaking is his own thoughtful (sometimes too much so) narration.

There’s an easy horror film or goofy comedy to be made out of Scott’s plight, and many a lesser filmmaker has tried (see Bert I. Gordon’s inferior Attack of the Puppet People or 1981’s flop The Incredible Shrinking Woman). It’s a ripe concept for any genre, making Arnold and Matheson’s approach all the more interesting.

This is a film that takes itself seriously. While such a decision can occasionally kill a film’s potential for fun (oh hai Firestarter) it works here because of its simplicity. Much has been written about the deeper themes of Scott’s condition—in losing his stature, he loses his manhood until he recovers it by stabbing a spider with his penis/pin, blah blah blah—and it’s easy to see why. In his daily shrinking, Scott loses every piece of his former identity, from a loving wife to bank account to dapper clothes. It’s his ultimate decision to embrace the future that makes The Incredible Shrinking Man something for philosophy class.

High Points

55 years later, the amplified sound of a fuzzy legged spider scurrying towards a defenseless man? Still scary

I’m not overly familiar with the career of Grant Williams, but he gives a superb performance here, believably transforming from a ‘50s superman to angry and powerless husband to desperate survivalist. Considering he’s mostly alone onscreen for the film’s latter half, it’s all the more impressive

Low Points

Look, I love me an oversized tarantula battle as much as any arachnophobe, but are we just supposed to ignore the fact that Scott’s fuzzy nemesis is…you know, a TARANTULA? Perhaps the unlikely inclusion of a scorpion in the Honey I Shrunk the Kids’ backyard isn’t so far-fetched after all…

Lessons Learned

Since The Children clearly hasn’t taught us this hard enough, never assume fog can’t hurt you

People just don’t get shorter! (unless they’re sprayed with nuclear goo)

Always leave some Twinkies or other long-term snack in an easy-to-reach spot in the basement. You just never know

Small Wonder…

As a cat owner, watching a film like The Incredible Shrinking Man takes on a whole new level of fear. Were I to shrink to levels of GI Joe, I LIKE to believe Mookie and Joplin would still recognize my smell and voice well enough to not bat me around like a yarn mouse. I’d LIKE to believe that…

Rent/Bury/Buy

Long unavailable on DVD, The Incredible Shrinking Man is now on a disc with another decent (if less noteworthy) sci-fi flick The Monolith Monsters. This is a film that would have benefited more from a Criterion-ish DVD treatment, but it remains worthy of a cheap buy or rental even with nary an extra in sight. Sci-fi or ‘50s fans will find plenty to savor, and those who enjoy smarter than they seem genre films can’t go wrong with checking it out. Plus, tarantulas! 

Blob It

Even the most loyal genre fan has her film holes. Who amongst us hasn't had to duck for cover when admitting those classics we haven't seen, only to finally seek them out and end up befuddled with the results. We sometimes find that the very genre-defining moments have since been defined with more skill, leaving us appreciating, if not necessarily enjoying the originals.

My love of 1988's underloved The Blob knows no bounds. I think it's a perfect horror film, filled with strong likable characters, an affectionate sense of place, and a kickass monster that remains terrifying 20+ years of technology later. 

(C'mon: TWO mullets in one movie? That can't be done with CGI)

And now allow me to confess: until a few days ago, I had never seen its source material. I had no real interest in doing so. My illicit relationship with Mystery Science Theater 3000 has educated me immensely on '50s monster movies and while I know there are true gems buried in the nuclear dust (Them! cannot be praised highly enough), I also rarely approach them expecting my life to be changed. 

But there’s only so long a gal can go before digging into the archives...

Quick Plot: In a friendly small town--one so good-natured that even the local ruffians agree they've been driving too fast lately--the world's second oldest teenager Steve (McQueen) puts the moves on Janey in his hotrod before almost hitting an old man that has just been partially blobbed before 'partially blobbed' became the universal phrase I hope it one day is. The sole town doctor sends Steve and Janey to Officer Dave while he gets fully blobbed but not too surprisingly, nobody with a badge wants to believe the troublemaking teens. 

As someone born in 1982, my knowledge of the '50s is defined by a combination of my parents' nostalgia and cinematic education. Though there are no poodle skirts or milkshakes to be found in The Blob, the film does encompass just about every other aspect I assumed was present in daily '50s life: dang kids, fast cars, movie house dates and blobs. My older readers can tell me if I'm wrong (which is highly unlikely because c'mon...blobs). 

There is no hesitation on my part to say that The Blob is a fun film. The actual monster is juicy and neat, something that surprisingly still works today. Seeing a town unite remains adorable, and Burt Bacharach’s hit theme song is so amazing even my CAT was entranced by the opening credits.

I can’t say I was ever actually frightened for the gee whiz youngins or concerned townsfolk, but I smiled throughout like someone who had just slurped down a delicious bowl of strawberry jell-o.

High Points

Though I can’t really say The Blob holds up as a frightening film, the effects remain effective (badom bom!) and an early car mechanic death is filled with gooey suspense

Low Points

I don't mean to kick the former 6 year old Kieth (that's how imdb spells it) Almoney in his now sensible 59 year old shoes, but I think his first big scene with big sis Janey might contain some of the worst acting ever attempting by a child performer

Lessons Learned

Just because some kid smacks into your wife on the turnpike doesn't make it a crime to be 17 years old. (On a side note, that’s a dark little character backstory that’s probably thankfully not explored eh?)

Much to the chagrin of eager cleaning ladies, one cannot just dust around fingerprints at a crime scene

Even in all-American towns, you can count on school principals to be stuffy and slightly British

The best way to deal with a global threat is to airdrop it in Antarctica. It's still cold there, right?

Stray Observations

As someone who has watched Killer Klowns From Outer Space more times than Costas Mandylor has done bicep curls, I was shocked to realize just how much that 1986 ball of cotton candy was inspired by The Blob. A few similarities:

-Officer Dave and his dubious fellow cops

-opening the film on a kissing couple’s quest to find the landing of a shooting star

-an ill-fated old farmer and his dog

-and dialogue as close as “He says Doc Hallen is dead. I’ve got to check it out!” in comparison to “They say some people are dead. Let’s hear them out!”

Rent/Bury/Buy

Horror fans owe it to themselves to dive into the gelatinous goop that is The Blob. It’s a piece of film history that represents a very specific era in cinema and while it probably won’t scare you with the same power as Chuck Russell’s 1988 remake, it’s easily entertaining in an aw shucks kind of way. The Criterion release features oodles of extras well worth the dip. Just don’t blame me when you find your head bopping along to theme song...for the rest of your life.

Day of the Nielsen

If we continue to damage the ozone layer, the following will happen:

That’s right. Leslie Nielson will shirtlessly hug a bear and rats will be thrown at your face.

In other words, rev up your camping gear kiddos! It’s time to experience Day of the Animals.

Quick Plot: A touristy hike through the mountains gets moving, filled with an assorted group of white people and one Native American. Though the landscape is lovely, the paying customers get a trip that wasn’t on the brochure when some chemical imbalances cause the region’s wildlife to gang up and declare open season on all humans.

Boy do I love animalsploitation. Socially relevant AND adorable. Day of the Animals takes a cue from Frogs and knows that a good killer wilderness film is a diverse killer wilderness film, and thusly do we get a nice assortment of killer rodents, mountain lions, wolves, dogs, rats, and birds...so very many birds.

But really, let’s address the main reason Day of the Animals still gets talked about in film and teenage girl circles: shirtless Leslie Nielsen wrestles a bear. He also attempts rape and acts like the most raging “hate this guy” character I may have ever seen onscreen, but because it’s Frank Drebin, that is completely okay. Watching him insult and literally throw annoying children down mountains is a plus, plain and simple.

His ghost can babysit my phantom children any day.


There’s actually a surprisingly amount of poor child-rearing, which makes for (again) an inappropriately enjoyable little film. A subplot involves a little Them!-like girl who shuffles through the wilderness and ghost town with a man who has just about no idea how to treat a kid. Nielsen refers to his bratty companion as a “little cockroach” on multiple occasions. For whatever reason, these things made me quite happy.

High Points

Day of the Animals introduces a pretty large group of victims, but it does a surprisingly good job of making each character memorable enough to care of at least acknowledge their deaths. We don’t necessarily know all their names, but we know exactly who they are, even when they’re stuck under a pack of wolves

Lynda Day George’s Terry isn’t the beacon of feminism, but it’s nice to see a woman helping out to beat off a band of angry mountain lions

Low Points

...only to spend the next major attack scene standing in a corner with her hands over her face, then wining about how she can’t swim when survival moves down to the river

It’s a shame that the sound quality is so awful as to muffle much of the dialogue. It’s a bigger shame that the DVD inexplicably is sans subtitles

Lessons Learned

When the going gets tough, the tough order pineapple pie with ice cream on top

An ideal solution to disciplining children is to threaten to scalp them

Rats are adorable, even when being thrown at your face

The Winning Line

“I use my head all the time. A lot of people use their butts.”

I know he’s dead, but I’m just saying: Leslie Nielsen can use his butt on me whenever he feels like it

Rent/Bury/Buy

I own my copy of Day of the Animals (it shares a three-room box with Grizzly and Devil Dog) and without question, I’ll put it on as background noise sometime in the future. It’s an enjoyable and goofy lil ‘70s treasure filled with about zero scares but high camp, though in fairness, it’s also a whole lot more competent than some of its dreadfully awesome peers (Frogs and Food of the Gods come to mind). Leslie Nielsen fans owe it to themselves to see him play the baddie, plus, did I mention he wrestles a bear?