Nilbog Is Gil Bellows Spelled Backwards? Oh My Godddddddddddd!

I didn't watch 2010's Goblin because it starred the on-a-straight-to-DVD-rolling Gil Bellows, but I have no shame in saying I should have. See, I rented the movie because it's set during Halloween--something that I still find shockingly rare for most horror films--and involves a goblin, and really, what can there possibly be not to like about a Halloween film involving goblins?

Well, as it turns out, teenagers.

But not Gil Bellows. Or goblins. 

Those are things to love.

Quick Plot: An 1831 flashback introduces us to Hollow Glen, a cursed town besmirched during a bad season of crops. How to fix such a Wicker Manny problem? Sacrifice a mutant baby of course!

The fact that tossing the li'l bugger into a bonfire produces a sound like shattered glass should alert the folks that something is awry. More pressingly, the sudden appearance of an 8' tall CGI monster who slashes through period-garbed extras seals the deal.

I know I should move on to the main storyline of the film--wherein Mr. Bellows channels Yoda and his bratty daughter whines--but let's pause for many moments to discuss the titular character. Goblin--I like to think he's really named GOB, pronounced as you expect if you have good taste in television--is pretty amazing. By pretty I mean amazingly. So GOB is amazingly amazing. See what I mean?

He's essentially the inbred cousin of a Nav'i, one who prowls the woods instead of Pandora and eats babies in place of 3D rainbows. Somewhere in his gene pool, I'm pretty sure a Blood Gnome snuck in (though the phalicness was weaned out). Most importantly, he's cross-eyed.

Leading to what I imagine are deleted scenes where the victims awkwardly ask GOB if he's actually looking at them, then GOB lets out a single tear, nods, the victim screams, apologizes because he or she feels really bad and uncomfortable, then screams again when GOB lets it go and kills them. 

Why don't I make movies?

Flash forward to the present day, where Gil--who still looks young and adorable, even if slightly high off of exhaust fumes--is driving his second wife, baby son, horrid teenage daughter Nikki and her skanky friend Cammy into the woods to close a business deal. They stop at the local diner for a hearty helping of ominous warnings, mostly issued by the token Crazy Ralph old guy who can't possibly know what he's talking about when he says the newbies' baby will be eaten by a goblin.

Because, like, there are BIGGER problems to deal with DAD. You don't even TALK about Dead Mom anymore! And you care more about that cute baby you had with the far more pleasant woman than you do about ME! I'm SEVENTEEN! I like, NEED you to care about me.

Dad! I mean, DON’T TALK to me! Especially in front of BOYS! You're like, so LAME! And you hate Dead Mom. And I hate you. And I hate my baby brother who like, TOTALLY needs someone to watch him? Seriously? It's like you hate me. I wish the goblins would come and take you away right now.

Sorry readers, I found myself channeling the character of Nikki. Perhaps my biggest beef with Goblin is the fact that the first hour of the film INSISTS on making its main character THE MOST HORRID PERSON IN THE WORLD. 

Yes folks, my biggest problem in this movie had nothing to do with the half-price CGI monster who wears assless chaps.

Nope, it's the chick, a nasty, angst-filled brat who can't say two words without making me want to call David Bowie to see if he accepts older half-sisters on his Goblin staff. This girl is positively evil.

Granted, I'm the youngest in my family and therefore may just not identify with the plight of the oldest child. So maybe this is all my fault. Perhaps if I was a pretty 17-year-old growing up today with a pleasant dad and nice enough stepmother, I too would have every reason to ditch baby-sitting duties long enough for someone to kidnap my baby brother and feed him to goblins. Or just one. Because that is all you need.

High Points

For a not very good movie, Goblin does boast a few decent sequences, including an excellent baby crib reveal that shows director Jeffery Scott Lando might have potential with better material/CGI caliber goblins

Low Points

Look, I understand that having an angsty teen as your lead could work when she uses the journey of saving her baby brother from being eaten by a goblin as a growing experience. But honestly, making her just a nice young teenager who has to save her baby brother from eaten by a goblin really wouldn't have taken ANYTHING away from the whole saving-brother-goblin thing. And would have made the audience not want to see the star die a painful death

Credits Curiosity

Not something I expect in the opening credits sequence: U.S. Casting by One Person, followed by CASTING By Someone Else. At that point, at least tell us WHERE Goblin was was filmed (and cast)

Lessons Learned

What's in for goblin style in 2010: Assless chaps, Grim Reaper hoodies, and bone earrings

Attractive yet bland eighteen year old boys are turned on by fake blonds with oddly parted hair talking dirty. By dirty, I mean using the kinds of come-ons that befit the Sweet Valley High twins (or at least Jessica). Sample exchange: 

“You are so hot!” 

“Careful...you might get burned"

Arguing is not helpful

When burying your own wife/mother, it’s vital to dress the part of a mourning family with proper black dresses or suits. Try to avoid dirt stains, but really, what can you do?

Rent/Bury/Buy

I’m not sure whether Goblin was made for the SyFy Channel, but I’d bet a mutant baby that it was. It’s not good, but it’s passable enough light horror along the lines of Skeleton Man. The CGI effects are hilariously adorable, as is the titular goblin himself. So I guess those who like leggy goblins, go for it. All others, stick to a more laughable Gil Bellows as the villain facing Steve Austin in Hunt to Kill. It’s a performance worth goblining for.

Cotton Candy Joe

Knowing that Casper Van Dien and Michael Rooker are top billed in a movie might very well be the best possible way to make me watch it. Van Dien, of course, because he’s the star of one of my all-time favorite films (of all time, and no, it ain’t The Dog Who Saved Christmas) and Michael Rooker because he might kill me if I don’t. Add the setting of Appalachia and I’m there before you can say Wrong Turn 2.

Quick Plot: An archeologist is gleefully examining his finds from a newly uncovered Indian burial ground. All is happy and nerdy until a skull-faced figure barges in to behead, de-arm, and axe his way through a batch of characters we will never see again, including a pair of soldiers with a video camera.

Okay, so I lied. We do ‘see’ the deceased soldier via his recording, a frantic message that was sent to a Delta Force headed by none other than Captain Leary (Michael Rooker). The oddly gender balanced team is sent to investigate with a terrifying lack of hair ties.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I simply cannot ever believe a female soldier would venture into the woods on a dangerous mission with her lusciously conditioned locks bouncing around. Can you imagine how much easier it is for a skeleton faced killer to grab said female by the mane? Or for a wild branch to slow her down? We won’t even mention how visibility is greatly impeded when SOMETHING IS BLOCKING YOUR FACE.

Rant over. Review resumed.

Leary’s soldiers eventually come upon a rather hilariously wigged Native American (with an ever so slight resemblance to Steve Carell) who details the story of the Skeleton Man, aka Cottonmouth Joe. Unlike his brother that sparked a catchy dance tune fit for sweet sixteen dance floors, Cottonmouth Joe was a warrior who slaughtered his own tribe and has since been reawakened by the nosy diggings of the late archaeologist. 

(About as PC as Michael Scott at a Thanksgiving pageant)

Suuuuuuure he is, thinks the hard-headed military. Though a few members seem to keep disappearing (including, gasp! Casper Van Dien as the bearded scout) there’s no REAL reason to think anything’s amiss, right?

Skeleton Man was made for the Sci-Fi Channel (yes kids, that’s what we geezers used to call it) and while there are no sharktopuses in sight, it certainly has the feel. This isn’t a horrible thing. As with most of those original films, the production values are more than decent and the ‘name’ actors dragged in seem to be happy enough to turn in passable performances in exchange for room service. The actual monster is cool in his kill methods (scalping!) but rather lame in design. Sure, a mashup of the Phantom of the Opera crossed with the Headless Horseman hunting in Predator territory is interesting, but that doesn’t mean a Halloween-style plastic skull mask is all you need to seal the deal.

Director Johnny Martin has a far longer resume as a stunt coordinator, but his most important credit comes from a little special something known to some as Killer Klowns From Outer Space and to others as One Of The Greatest Things To Ever Happen In My Lifetime. Martin played the famed Joe Lombardo, the first victim to be revealed swaddled in cotton candy. For that, he automatically gets a pass and hence, for that reason and a few others, I just didn’t hate Skeleton Man the way everyone else on the Internet seemed to.

High Points

Between spearings, bow and arrowings, tomahawk beheading and more, the kills are actually quite varied and fun

Low Points

A made-for-Sci-Fi-Channel film will indeed bare some token marks of itself, including, in this case, oddly chosen closeups, flashbacks performed by actors on their sixth hour of a five hour energy drink, and for no genuinely good reason, a random big ‘splosion.

Lessons Learned

When you only get thirty minutes of helicopter time for establishing shots, you will USE those minutes and CELEBRATE that waterfall footage

Rotten flesh smells rather like rotten fruit. Good to know (cleans fridge)

Being stalked kind of makes you feel special...don’t it?

Beans is good. Just heat ‘em up and they’re good to go*

*Ancient Iroquois wisdom 

Rent/Bury/Buy

Skeleton Man is a competent little horror movie that offers more gore than you’d expect from a TV-14 production. It’s perfectly fine for a background movie while you prepare dinner, clip your toenails, brush your cat, or alphabetize your DVD collection. To sit down and focus on it for 90 minutes is a little much to ask, but pop it on your streaming queue if you enjoy a modern B-movie. Or if you see Michael Rooker on the street because seriously, DO NOT mess with that dude.