But Do Any Raccoons Live In This City?

 

I tried to play the original Resident Evil Playstation game once. It did not go well.

The opening? Awesome. A full zombie setup dropped into a spooky gothic mansion? SIGN LATE TEENS ME UP.

There was a small problem: I couldn't get past the very round. 

After a few years away from Sega Genesis and Super Nintendo, my video game skills had decayed. Have you SEEN a Playstation control? A plane's cockpit has fewer buttons!

Needless to say, I have next to no experience with the Resident Evil games. I've seen (I think?) all of the live action films up to this one, and generally had a good, occasionally great time, even without any narrative context. To see a new zombie movie in the theaters in 2002 was a shockingly exciting moment in time. It was a subgenre that had, for so long, been restricted to VHS rentals. This was before 28 Days Later made it across the Atlantic Ocean, before The Walking Dead would turn civilians into undead obsessives. 

The world was a different place.

I sound very old.

Quick Plot: Young Claire and Chris Redfield are growing up in the Raccoon City Orphanage with only each other to lean on. When she realizes she's about to become a test subject, Claire runs away, returning some years later via hitchhike in the form of well-dressed and ridiculously well-haired Kaya Scodelario. 

Chris had stayed behind under the care of orphanage president/mad scientist  Dr. Dirkin, played by the always ominously Aryan Neal McDonough. Now a strapping young man, Chris is part of the local special ops force with pals Jill Valentine and Albert Wexler. Also in town is Chief Irons and rookie cop Leon Kennedy.

My understanding, based on how the movie always slows down when a character's name is stated, is that these names are very, very important for those who have played the video games. For Luddites like me, they just sound a little silly.

It doesn't take long for hell to break out in town. Claire has some insider information from online forums that Raccoon City, about to become a ghost town once Umbrella Corporation relocates, has a sordid history of dangerous pollution and illegal medical experimentation. Naturally, she arrives right in time for the town's remaining residents to start turning.

 

Set in 1998, Resident Evil: Welcome to Raccoon City admirably commits itself to using CGI technology fitting of its era. Some quick research reveals the film's budget was continuously reduced from conception to filming, apparently forcing the hand of director Johannes Roberts (he of the slightly disappointing 47 Meters Down and surprisingly great The Strangers: Prey At Night) to make constant cuts. That might also explain the dialogue.

No, you don't necessarily need dollars for good writing, but if your movie keeps losing scenes and transitions, then your script simply has to include exposition. Does it have to be handled as clumsily as this movie? Probably not. By the third time a character stops to say, "You might be wondering how I know so much about this," the only way forward is to imagine an onscreen ticker digitally added that reads "JUST KEEP REMINDING YOURSELF: IT'S BASED ON A VIDEO GAME. IT'S BASED ON A VIDEO GAME. IT'S BASED ON A -"

I say this all with a fair amount of affection because you know what? I enjoyed this stupid movie!

Is it at the level of Street Fighter? Nothing is. Is it many sonic booms above Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li? Well yes, but really, what isn't?

This movie does not look very good. Its screenplay went through dozens of rewrites and every frame seems to still show a red pen edit. There is no real world where a dignified person could call Resident Evil: Welcome to Raccoon City, a good movie. But much like (most of) the original Paul W. Anderson series, it's fun. As the kids never seem to tire of saying, it understands the assignment, even if its studio could only scrounge up a few broken pencils to complete it. Sure, I was never scared, but I was also never bored. That's something!

High Points

I don't envy any actor trying to balance their performance in a video game genre movie, but for the most part, the cast manages to maintain some form of dignity, occasionally as human beings (Tom Hopper's Wexler), comic relief (the always welcome Donal Logue as Irons), or in the form of the reliable coolness of Kaya Scodelario

 

Low Points

I don't see a reason to harp on the same things any real critic would call out here (the fact that the movie isn't, you know, traditionally very good) so instead, let's point out something that will never not infuriate me: that every character behind the wheel cannot keep their eyes on the road. HAVE WE LEARNED NOTHING FROM THE DESCENT?

Lessons Learned

A chat room is a place on the internet where people chat

You never know what you'll find in first class

Nothing feels better than your big brother's football helmet

Rent/Bury/Buy

It's hard to know who will or won't enjoy this iteration of Resident Evil. Fans of the game will likely spot every easter egg faster than Gaston when hungry, but does that mean this is a good adaptation? I have no idea. Is it a good action horror movie? Not really, but it's never dull! For me, this was a satisfying 100 minutes, and I'm disappointed that there won't be a sequel from the same team. 

I Was Made for Loving You

My opening line for the Companion writeup was going to reveal something about the film that you probably already know. But what if I'm the one who ruins it for you? I STILL haven't forgiven [NAME REDACTED] for spilling the ending of Fight Club in my 1999 high school philosophy class without warning. 27 years is a long grudge to hold, but as someone with a good 1/8 to 1/4 of Sicilian blood flowing through my veins, I must use caution.

Companion's 'twist' (sold in the marketing and introduced about 20 minutes into the film) will be mentioned below. So if by some chance you're able to approach the film like an innocent baby doe with no semblance of the world around you or the movie, watch it first.

Onward to the rest of us hardened hags.

Quick Plot: Iris is a beautiful young woman happily reminiscing about the two best days of her life: when she met-cute her boyfriend Josh at a colorful but poorly constructed grocery store, and when she killed him.

Yes, we're still in this very frustrating era of horror films not trusting their audience and assuring them that THINGS WILL GET VIOLENT while spoiling the actual trajectory of the story.

Anyway, Iris is reluctantly accompanying Josh for a weekend getaway at a glorious lake house owned by Sergei, the shady Russian boyfriend of pal Kat. Iris knows Kat doesn't like her and feels a little uncomfortable around Josh's friendlier pals, couple Eli and Patrick. Still, she loves Josh too much to let it show and they settle in for some fun.

In the morning, Josh's hangover keeps him inside while Iris heads to the lake alone. Sergei, already a bit flirty, seizes his chance to put on some moves. Iris resists.

Covered in blood, Iris returns to the house to plead her case of self defense. Josh shuts it down.

Literally.

Because she's his robot.

Much like Abigail and a slew of recent genre films whose early twists are too key a selling point to hide in marketing, Companion lives in an uncanny valley with audience awareness. Every ad I saw about Companion seemed to pretty clearly indicate that Iris wasn't human, yet the script is rather shockingly able to have it both ways. The first 20 minutes are playful about Iris's identity in a way that makes the reveal still shocking for someone who didn't know, but not a waste for those who do.

This is a clever film, which makes its decision to open by telling us its ending all the more frustrating. 

Writer/director Drew Hancock has a great touch. His script is snappy, and his talented young cast has the exact right energy to deliver it with panache. As Iris, Sophie Thatcher finds a beautiful balance of humor and hurt. You care about this darn robot, and not just because her human is such a jerk. 

I don't always love a story about humans abusing robots. Despite (and maybe because of) my luddite rage over current society's ill-informed reliance on AI, I sometimes have a hard time feeling much sympathy for a soulless machine. Iris was built and programmed. It's gross to see how Josh treats her, but do we feel bad for Barbie when a kid rips her head off? 

Companion doesn't quite get over that hump for me, mostly because Iris feels unresolved on the page. Thatcher is absolutely wonderful in the role, but her actions (particularly towards the movie's end) don't quite add up in a way that lets me understand her. Maybe that's part of the actual story (she's still in beta), but it does make aspects of the story a touch unsatisfying.

Still, this was a fun, breezy watch. Hard to nitpick when I had such a good time. 

High Points

As a big What We Do In the Shadows fan, I'm not surprised that Harvey Guillén is a delight here, but I was rather tickled at how his subplot with boyfriend Lucas Gage played out

Low Points

Without spoiling (although again: the movie does this in its first five minutes), the last act's final violent conflict doesn't really make sense with who Iris is at this point in time. Hancock had somewhere to get and had to have his characters make some nonsensical decisions in order to get there

Lessons Learned

Not bad doesn't necessarily mean good in Russian

You never don't take a Xanax

Automatic wine openers are more than just white elephant gifts

Rent/Bury/Buy

I found myself really enjoying Companion. The script has some shortcomings, but as a debut, it makes a great case for Drew Hancock's future. You can find it on HBO or Hulu. 

Brought to You By Task Rabbit

A few years ago on a long plane ride, I had myself a ridiculously fun time with Searching. The gimmicky setup of "movie told by a laptop" isn't new to most horror fans (many of us were unimpressed by Host when we'd already enjoyed two Unfriendeds) but when done well, it can be a truly fun time. 

Quick Plot: June has a serious case of senioritis, perfectly timed for her mother Grace to take a Columbian vacation with new boyfriend Kevin. After throwing a vomit-stained house party, June makes it to the airport to retrieve her mother only to discover she's ...

MISSING

Some savvy Gen-Z sleuthing puts June on the case, with minor assistance from the FBI and major help from Javi, a Columbian Task Rabbit with fatherhood issues that make him a helpful ally from a few thousand miles away. 

To go into any more detail of Missing's story would start to give away clues, dead ends, rerouted dead ends, and more. Like Searching, Missing is 'told' entirely from the POV of technology: several laptops, digital security cameras, news footage, Netflix streams, texts, and so on. Real brands are used, making the film a decent marketing tool for various Apple products. Chekhov's Smart Watch is indeed ready for his closeup.

I guess you would refer to Missing as an extended universe sequel to Searching. It follows the same template and even makes reference to the previous film in fairly clever ways. Directors Nicholas D. Johnson and Will Merrick came straight from the editing room of Searching, which makes sense in keeping the style tight. 

I would be thrilled to see the -ing series continue. Missing doesn't quite reach the same heights as Searching, but it's still incredibly watchable. I was occasionally annoyed by some of the plotting, but ultimately, I kept moving closer to the screen to catch all the clues I could find. That's as good a sign of a good mystery as I can fathom. 

High Points

Without a traditional narrative, a movie like Missing desperately needs to find some emotional weight behind its tech-driven storytelling. While I do think June is a bit underwritten, Storm Reid's performance more than makes up for it. She has undeniable charisma that comes through a laptop, and she manages to keep us fully invested every step

Low Points

Missing's power is in its twisty storytelling, so it's quite a shame that the final act has to turn into a rather weak action sequence

Lessons Learned

Kids, I know voicemail isn't cool, but please, for the love of all plot contrivances, do not let that inbox get full

You don't have to use Siri for everything

If you don't want a teenager to be able to hack into every part of your virtual life, do not have a virtual life

Rent/Bury/Buy

Missing didn't thrill me to the same level that Searching did, but it made for a highly entertaining 100 minutes. Find it when you're feeling that very specific computer screen itch. 

Home Sweet Smart Home

 

I have a smart oven. It's nice. I can turn the preheat function on while driving home to save some cooking time. I can turn the oven off without getting up from my chair to save my body from putting in a tiny bit of physical effort. I can turn the light on when I'm not home just to confuse my husband, which is fun.

Sure, life has been made about .00000000000275% easier by this addition to my life. 

I realize that when 'smart homes' are discussed, the stakes are a bit higher. Alexa calling emergency services or adjusting your thermostat for better efficiency is a bit different, and certainly has some genuinely helpful tricks for its inhabitants. But also, every aspect of our days do not require the intervention of a computer code.The obsession with turning more and more simple actions more complex so long as we don't have to do them is, to me, silly.

Onto the smart house horror movie. 

Quick Plot: Our prologue introduces us to a relaxing couple whose evening hits a roadblock when Margaux, their smart home hostess, goes homicidal.  

Somewhere a road trip away, graduating college senior Drew has corralled his scholarship buddies for one last weekend together in the aforementioned smart house. Among the crew are lovebirds Kayla and Devon, stoner Clay (Final Destination: Bloodlines' Richard Harmon), and programming whiz Hannah. 

The gang is happy to reminisce about their freshman year over Pringles bongs and beers, but their rhythm gets interrupted by the last minute crashing of Drew's influencer girlfriend Lexi. This is especially frustrating to Hannah, who's clearly been nursing a crush on Drew since orientation. She also has the added stress of being a computer nerd with a strong (and wise) distrust of AI and data collection. Margaux isn't exactly her dream home. 

At first, the house is splendid. Clay gets treated to the perfect buffet to satisfy his munchies. Kayla and Devon have a honeymoon suite perfectly stocked with their favorite sex accessories. Lexi thrives under the perfect lighting for selfies. What could possibly go wrong?

Obviously, everything. 

Directed by Steven C. Miller from a script credited to Chris Beyrooty, Nick Waters, and Chris Sivertson, Margaux is way better than you probably expected when I said, "today's movie is about a killer smart house." The concept is perfectly fine, even if Margaux's motives are a little fuzzier than they should be (considering Margaux likes to talk a LOT). What makes Margaux such a joy comes down to its characters.

Movies about pretty young people in peril are a standard in the horror genre. Often what separates the good ones from the bad isn't the creativity of kills, but the plain likability of a cast. In the case of Margaux, these young actors are quite good. They're all funny (not surprising if you've seen Richard Harmon's wonderful turn in that Final Destination MRI room) but more importantly, their actual relationships are real.

Take Kayla and Devon, the hot and horny couple obviously marked for an early end. They serve a time-honored role that's so familiar in teen slashers that we know not to be invested. AND YET! Phoebe Miu and Jordan Buhat are so charming that it's impossible not to be gutted when Margaux inevitably has her way. They establish such a believable chemistry that it makes their fully expected death scene have a deep impact.

It would have been so easy for these characters to be silly one-note stereotypes. Some movies seem to even encourage actors to push audiences to root for their deaths. But that's really not the case here. Even interloper Lexi (gamely played by Vanessa Morgan) doesn't deserve Margaux's cruelty. I really wanted the best for these kids!

There are also plenty of good ideas and creativity at heart in Margaux. I liked some of the third act's twists, although the biggest one feels a bit impossible to track in a frustrating way (that will likely make sense if you've seen it). With a bigger budget and maybe a tad more time, I think this could have truly been great. Those details aside, Margaux was satisfying for me from beginning to end. That's not something I expected to say about the killer smart house movie nobody talked about.

High Points

Seriously, this young cast is simply filled with fresh talent that I'm excited to see again. Go Canada!

Low Points

You can cover up a low budget in a lot of clever ways, but Margaux's cartoon CGI robot arms feel bargain bin even by, let's say, SyFy Channel standards

Lessons Learned

The smarter you are, the dumber you will act in the face of emergency

Never mess with a brand ambassador

Nobody is impressed with smart houses

Rent/Bury/Buy

I had a blast with Margaux. It has a great young cast, sharp writing, and some genuinely creative sequences that felt fresh. It's a big recommend (currently streaming on Amazon) and the kind of movie that makes me really excited to see more from its team. 

Marsha Marsha Marshes

 

I will give almost any Shudder release that sounds mildly intriguing a chance...particularly if said film is short.

Quick Plot: Pria and Ben are microbiologists vying for the same university promotion. Tensions are high, but they have to team up for a weekend in the titular marshes to collect some samples, with undergrad Will tagging along to assist. Along the way, Pria runs afoul of a local couple who don't take kindly to scientists clogging their hunting grounds.

That turns out to be the least of their problems. Around the campfire, Ben tells Will and Pria a ghost story about a Wolf Creek-ish spirit that haunts Australia's wilderness. The next morning, the group awakens to discover something very wrong. 

Just don't ask me to explain what it actually is. 

The Marshes is a strange little movie. Clocking in at under 90 minutes, you'd expect a fairly tight package. The result is anything but. 

Writer/director Roger Scott has a decent touch with actors and a beautiful handle on his visuals. Mostly shot in broad daylight, The Marshes (both the film and literal marshes) look great. The story...less so.

I like ambiguity when done well. The Marshes does not do this well. It throws a dozen threats at us and never actually explains which ones are even happening. There's a supernatural monster...or just a human hunter? The environment may be trapping them in circles...or they may just have a very, very bad sense of direction. 

For scientists, our characters are excessively stupid. While the actors are doing their best (particularly Dafna Kronental) it's hard for us to root too hard for their survival when they're so very bad at it. And when we don't even understand what's hunting them. 

High Points

I'm always in favor of daylight horror, and if nothing else, The Marshes has a nice amount of it

Low Points

This is a movie where someone outruns a sadistic killer only to immediately sit down, look at his friends, and say, "I'm going to go over there to poop now." It is one of the dumbest things I have ever seen happen in a horror movie, and I have, without exaggeration, watched thousands of not JUST horror movies, but very dumb ones

Lessons Learned

Science is the best way to disappoint your parents

Knife-wielding pig hunters are scarier than most ghosts

A grad school education will tell you that it's not normal for a compass to spin like a wheel of fortune

Rent/Bury/Buy

Sigh. I was rooting for The Marshes. It was nicely shot, decently acted, and seemed to demonstrate some promise for its writer/director. Unfortunately, the script is a mess. I found this film incredibly unsatisfying.

Time for a Good Wax

 

Is there a horror fan alive who doesn't love a wax museum?

I'd guess not, even though there's a good argument to be made that we've never actually had a great wax museum movie. Yes, the Waxwork flicks are fun and every variation of House of Wax is melty in all the best ways, but you know, neither franchise really produced an actual GREAT film. 

IS THIS THE DAY THAT ALL CHANGES? 

Quick Plot: At the start of the 20th century, Parisian police discover a grisly crime scene that turns their stomachs. A couple has been brutally slain, body parts scattered around the room or missing. The only witness is their young daughter Sonia. Inspector Lavin vows to solve the crime, but twelve years pass without a lead.

Grown and gorgeous Sonia is now on the job hunt in Rome, where she lands a wardrobe position at the city's newest attraction: a wax museum specializing in violent tableaus. The spot has already been in the news after a young man of leisure died inside after taking on a dare to spend the night.  

Surely there's nothing to worry about! It's just a wax museum! That ... focuses on violent tableaus, including the murder of Sonia's parents.

It doesn't take long for Sonia to suspect curator Boris and his creepy assistant Alex. She quickly teams up with reporter Andrea to investigate (along with some other things). Meanwhile, good old Inspector Lavin comes to town determined to help. Along the way, a few Romans of all ages disappear, with oddly similar faces debuting later in waxy glory.

Made in 1997, Wax Mask (not "Wax Max", as I keep writing, which feels very Rural Juror of me for those who understand) is gooey and gross and feels wonderfully out of time. There's a true Hammer Horror style in its bones, but those bones are also covered in wildly grand practical monster makeup and random callbacks to The Terminator.

I loved it.

Wax Mask apparently began as a Lucio Fulci project, but his death saw producer Dario Argento pass the reins on to special effects maestro Sergio Stivaletti. There was certainly some heft lost in the transfer. The acting is a bit stiff, even if you push most of that blame onto weird dubbing. Perhaps more importantly, Fulci (admittedly my personal favorite of the genre's Italians) might have come at the material with something to say. 

Instead, we get something that looks really, really cool.  

High Points

Seriously: Stivaletti holds nothing back in giving us hot acid baths, robot hands, essence-sucking waxing, and so much more

Low Points

I still don't understand the exact connection between Sonia and Boris, or Alex's actual opinion on things, or, you know, anything about the characters. Thankfully, I don't really care

Lessons Learned

Being an investigative photojournalist was a lot harder when cameras were the size of Warwick Davis

Every movie set in a wax museum must end with a very drawn out fire (I don't make the rules, but I do love them)

I never thought this had to be said, but here we go: when conducting an autopsy, it's important to check for a heartbeat before, you know, slicing into a possibly living chest

Rent/Bury/Buy

I flipped on Tubi one morning when I was frustrated with having to think too hard, and what a perfect decision I made. Wax Mask is silly and gross and in a word, grand. Have fun.