Dirty Pillows For All

 

I will always give a good deal of grace to a movie whose opening credits use the Buffy font.

Let's go.

Quick Plot: Tamara is a misfit high school student with a deep crush on her English teacher and an inability to cleanly tie her hair back in an appealing early aughts style. When her article about steroids hits the front page of the school paper, she becomes an even bigger target of the cool kids.

A few jocks decide to play a sadistic prank on the poor girl: luring her to a hotel room under the guise of a date with her sweet English teacher crush, only to film her nakedly crying when she discovers the ruse. As is often the case in these kinds of movies, things turn violent and hospitality furniture proves to have deadly sharp corners. Tamara is killed in a chaotic fight, and her drunken pers decide the only way forward is to bury her and move on.

Kind Chloe is reluctant and voices her reservations, but it's not enough to overpower the gang (especially as most of them are likely taking regular doses of HGH). 

What the kids don't know is that Tamara had been flirting with dark magic. She was just about to finish a love binding spell but couldn't bring herself to spill her own blood. Thankfully that hotel desk took care of it, and she's back with bouncier hair, bouncier breasts, and an ability to control the bodies of whoever she touches to do terrible things to themselves. 

Yes, it's essentially another Carrie, but so what? Directed by Jeremy Haft from a script by Final Destination godfather Jeffrey Reddick, Tamara is shockingly fun and far smarter than its cover art suggests. Jenna Dewan works well as the title character, even if her first act mouse calls to mind the horrors of a ponytailed She's All That. 

As someone who would use one of her genie bottle wishes for an adaptation that gives us a fat Carrie as the novel intended, I am used to this. 

Size 2 aside, Tamara is fun! When the violence kicks in, it's creatively wild in very surprising ways. We also understand Tamara's trauma (alcoholic leering dad, cruel classmates) well enough to make her specific choices fully understandable, straight down to forcing two alpha male bullies to hook up. 

There's a part of me that wishes Tamara went deeper into its dissection of high school psychology. One fellow geek gets some rough treatment early on when Tamara uses his past suicide attempts to show off her new powers, and her female bully harbors her own body dysmorphia. There are heavier depths to the story, but Tamara's ultimate style moves a bit more to camp than substance. 

That's okay! Considering what else we were getting in this very rough era of teen-centered horror, I'll take it. 

High Points

High school movie girls are often cruel beyond reason, but one of Tamara's strengths is that it makes its female characters surprisingly human. Sure, villain Keisha is cruel, but she's also bulimic (which makes for a pretty creative act of violence) and clearly suffering, while Chloe serves the Sue Snell role of having and acting on a real conscience 

Low Points

Okay fine: Jenna Dewan is still too conventionally beautiful to fully be a believable pariah

Lessons Learned

Bewitched male minions are shockingly easy to kill

An English teacher's arsenal is literary quotes

Just because you're a social outcast with flat hair doesn't mean you can't rock a clean manicure

Rent/Bury/Buy

I was pleasantly surprised by Tamara. It's not a forgotten classic or glistening lost gem, but for a 2006 barely-known genre film, I found it packed some creative visuals, reasonable character work, and an overall satisfying 90 minute watch. See if you agree! It's streaming now on Amazon Prime (and probably Tubi; this feels very much like it would be streaming on Tubi).

I'll Spin You a Yarn

Welcome to The Shortening! For February, we adjust the height on our camera to focus on movies featuring vertically challenged villains. If you have your own blog or podcast and plan to do the same, be sure to leave a note in the comment with your links!

Fairy tales are the most public of all domains, but it still feels risky to tackle a property so perfectly immortalized on film already.

Quick Plot: Tim and Emma have recently moved from NYC to a sprawling country estate. Pregnant Emma is taking a break from her successful interior design, while Tim continues to run his wholesale yarn business. 

They are a very, very dynamic couple.

Life gets wild when Emma discovers a basket of yarn sitting in a corner. HOW COULD SUCH A THING HAPPEN? she wonders, not satisfied with Tim's casual suggestion that maybe the previous owners forgot to pack it up. She stresses even more when she reads about a bear attack nearby, prompting my favorite cinematic rule: Chekhov's Law of Bear Traps.

Tim has his own reasons to worry. Buried in the yarn is a mask, and as we all know, nothing is more irresistible than putting a mysterious bit of plaster over your face.

Rumpelstiltskin is born! I guess?

Pop quiz: what do you know about this fairy tale? It's certainly one of the darker stories we tell children, teaching them to not make promises they don't intend on keeping (that IS the moral, right?). A quick recap:

A miller brags about his daughter, embellishing her talents to claim that she could spin straw into gold. A jerky king takes him up on it with the bet being his daughter's life or marriage (coincidentally, this is also how I met my husband). The young woman is devastated to realize she's about to be executed when salvation comes via a mysterious imp who does the job for her on one condition: his payment will be her firstborn child. Fast forward to the happy couple's pregnancy interrupted by the little magician coming to collect. He agrees to break the contract if she can figure out his unusual name. Thankfully, this guy is an even bigger braggart than the new princess's father, revealing himself to be Rumpelstiltskin in a drunken dance. She names him, he explodes, and everyone else lives happily ever after, save for the day they have to explain to their children what brought them together. 

Anyway, Rumpelstiltskin is a pretty messed up tale for children. But it's also pretty rad, hence why we have some great adaptations (Faerie Tale Theater, I'm looking at you). It's PERFECT fodder for a cheap horror movie. 

And yet. 

This is bad. This is very, very bad. So bad that it doesn't even understand how to use a public domain horror story to just direct its script. Did writer/director Brett Bentman just see open a library book to a picture of Rumpelstiltskin that showed an imp, pregnant woman, and loom and think that these were the keywords of the story? There's no bargain or bragging. Our only reference to gold comes in Emma's yuppie friend's husband who has a lot to say about crypto, then dies while filming most of his scenes in a completely different location than his killer. 

But that's not the worst of it.

I don't know how to say this easily, so I'm going to take an acting lesson from Rumpelstiltskin's star. Picture me mumbling, shifting weight on my feet, and scrunching my nose as I quickly blurt this out:

This Rumpelstiltskin is not short. 

When Tim, a man of average height, dons this mask, he simply morphs into it and goes about killing at his 5'9 frame. 

It's bullshit.

You may be thinking, "Emily! How can you close out the Shortening with such a villain?" and I excuse myself with three defenses:

1) The character is still constantly referred to as an imp

2) This was the second attempt I took at watching a low budget short-powered horror movie only to discover the killer was NOT SHORT. Folks, I watched a Canadian horror comedy called Scared Shitless which is mostly what you think it was (though slightly better than it sounds). I couldn't do this again

3) By the time I realized this movie wasn't going to pay for any kind of effect to change the height of our villain, I was more than halfway done with the film. Time, like me, is short. I wasn't going to waste it. 

So that's that. 

High Points

At a mere 78 minutes long, I can thankfully say that even if you (for whatever insane reason) decide to watch this movie, at least it won't take much time out of your life. Also, bear traps

Low Points

The fact that I'm trying to remember how the movie ended, and if indeed it actually ended, might be one of many

Lessons Learned

Never underestimate expense reports

The worst spun yarn gives the best stitch definition 

Sometimes you can judge a movie by its cover

Rent/Bury/Buy

I've had a surprisingly successful run of cheap-looking movies being way better than their titles and posters suggested this month. That ends here. If you're STILL a glutton for punishment, you can watch this on Peacock or, not surprisingly, Tubi. Don't say I didn't warn you. perfectly immortalized on film already.

Don't Judge an Evil Kid Movie By Its Evil Boy Title

Welcome to The Shortening! For February, we adjust the height on our camera to focus on movies featuring vertically challenged villains. If you have your own blog or podcast and plan to do the same, be sure to leave a note in the comment with your links!

 

WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING TO ME?

I see a movie poster with a silly title. I queue it up expecting a campy good time.

What do I get instead?

An actual decent movie. 

Did I not leave enough crab cakes out for John Waters on Christmas Eve? 

Quick Plot: Polina and Igor are devoted parents to 6-year-old son Vanya, but all it takes is one day playing outside by himself for an accident to leave them shattered. Igor, a doctor, refuses to identify the mangled body as his own, putting his and his wife's lives in limbo as the parents of a missing, not dead child.

Three years pass when Igor convinces the reluctant Polina to visit a countryside orphanage in the hopes of bringing home a child. Instead, they stumble on a grisly crime scene. The manager has been found dead, and the only person that may have seen what happened is a feral child. 

Polina quickly bonds with the boy. A fuzzy adoption grants them custody, with a sympathetic police chief keeping watch on the situation. 

Back home, the boy adapts rather quickly to his surroundings in Vanya's old bedroom. It's so seamless that Polina begins calling him by her son's name (convenient if anything was monogrammed). Igor isn't thrilled, but with his wife finally happy and a poor child in good hands, how can he complain? 

The situation quickly reverses when Polina discovers she's pregnant. Vanya isn't thrilled about big brotherhood, and as anyone who's ever watched an evil child (OR EVIL BOY) movie might guess, Polina's pregnancy just got a whole lot harder. 

Directed by Olga Gorodetskaya, Evil Boy (originally titled the classier Stray) doesn't bring much newness to the dangerous child genre, but for most of its running time, it's an engrossing, haunting watch. Leads Elena Lyadova and Vladimir Vdovichenkov create a believably loving but stressed marriage, and young Sevastian Bugaev toes a fine line with his creepy but sweet Vanya. It's hard not to care about this messy family, even when you know nothing good will come from their union.

Unfortunately, Evil Boy stumbles badly with one of the worst CGI visuals I've seen in years. 

WORSE.

The movie somewhat recovers from this, but ultimately, the ending doesn't quite satisfy. Still, for a good hundred minutes, this is some good stuff. 

High Points

One of the secrets to getting your audience invested in a horror movie is to, you won't believe this, allow your audience to like your characters. From both the perfromances and screenplay, Polina and Igor are incredibly sympathetic, but what really made Evil Boy click for me was how kindly the local police chief was drawn. It's a supporting part that didn't need much backstory, but there's a careful effort to make him a good man. That goes a long way.

Low Points

If you were alive in the '90s, you know all too well the horrors of Ally McBeal's dancing baby nightmare. While that image was indeed terrifying, nobody should ever be reminded of it during the unironic climax of a horror movie

Lessons Learned

Traumatized boys have mental disorders

In any movie with a potentially evil child and a cat, do not, and I repeat, do not ever get attached to the cat

Russians don't know the difference between a pitbull and bull terrier

Rent/Bury/Buy

Save for that tragic final act choice, Evil Boy is quite good. It doesn't offer many surprises, but those looking for a decently made, fairly serious killer kid film shouldn't be too disappointed. Find it on Amazon Prime. 

Monkey Trouble

Welcome to The Shortening! For February, we adjust the height on our camera to focus on movies featuring vertically challenged villains. If you have your own blog or podcast and plan to do the same, be sure to leave a note in the comment with your links!

Final Destination, but with a monkey-topped organ grinder in the Death role? Sign me up!

Quick Plot: Hal is having a hard time being twelve. His father Petey disappeared long ago, leaving his pessimistic mother Lois alone to raise Hal and his cruel twin brother Bill. 

Dad's career as a pilot left the family with a bundle of foreign objects and thingamajigs. While rummaging through his supply, the boys discover an organ grinder featuring a maniacally smiling monkey. They think little of it after turning its key, but later that night, their beloved babysitter dies in a freak accident at a hibachi restaurant. 

Hal quickly connects the dots. After one more round of brutal bullying, he snaps and decides to wind up his monkey again in the hopes that it will claim Bill. Unfortunately, he learns too late that the monkey's targets are out of his hands. Instead of his brother, it's his beloved mother who drops dead.

After a few more rounds of odd deaths, Hal and Bill drop the cursed object in a deep well and move on with their rather unhappy lives. 25 years down the road, Hal works a menial job and has a strained relationship with his teen son Petey, so much so that his ex-wife is starting the process of transferring parentage to her new husband (the delightful but underused Elijah Wood). 

Their plans change when Hal discovers his aunt has died in a bizarre but somewhat familiar freak accident. Bill is convinced the monkey has returned, so Hal heads back to his small Maine hometown to investigate. 

From there, a lot of people die.

In increasingly amusing ways.

I've seen most of Osgood Perkins' filmography (the exception being I Am the Pretty Thing That Lives In the House and the new Keeper) and every time, I've found myself wanting to like them so much more than I could. The Blackcoat's Daughter is beautifully filmed but narratively empty, while Gretal & Hansel never came together for me. I'm in the minority on thinking Longlegs was just dumb, and not in a campy intentional way. My working theory is that Perkins is a much better director than he is writer. 

With all that in mind, I went into The Monkey without too much hope. 

For the second time in a row, it was a joy to be proven wrong.

The Monkey is FUN. It's mean but not cruel, and tonally so clear on what kind of story it's telling and how it must be told. This is a black comedy that establishes itself from the very opening scene and constantly reminds us by having virtually every character that isn't Hal (and even to an extent, Hal) be such an inappropriate weirdo that you wonder if Nicolas Cage's Longlegs villain didn't come from this same town. 

High Points

I really do mean it when I say the tone of The Monkey is consistently bananas in the best way. It starts with a bonkers opening scene with Adam Scott, but really solidifies itself during the most inappropriate eulogy you can imagine at the film's first funeral

Low Points

Playing twins should be an actor's dream, but Theo James never really seems to seize the moment

Lessons Learned

The best way to teach your kids about death is to pair the conversation with ice cream cones

The most surefire way to bond with an adolescent boy is via the art of dance

Nothing cramps your swinger lifestyle faster than guardianship of teen twins

Rent/Bury/Buy

I was genuinely surprised by how much I enjoyed The Monkey. It knows exactly what it wants to be, and achieves it with a wildly high level of camp. Find it on Hulu when you need a nasty laugh.

It's Another Shorten1ng!

 

Welcome to The Shortening! 

For those new around these parts, February is a special month here at the Doll's House. It's a short month that also happens to host the birthday of your short housekeeper (that's me) who, in case it wasn't clear, REALLY ENJOYS MOVIES ABOUT KILLER LITTLE THINGS.

Dolls, children, insects, leprechauns, whatever goobers are supposed to be... anything under 5'2 and murderous.

Over the last 17 years of this website and 44 years of my life, I've watched almost every killer doll movie with a budget of $500 or more ever made. PICKINS ARE GETTING SLIM.

When I first saw the poster for ROB1N (is it supposed to be caps? Unclear.), I worried that I had truly hit rock bottom. A M3GAN ripoff with a studio pedigree less reputable than The Asylum?

What was I getting myself into?

Turns out, a perfectly okay low budget movie. 

Quick Plot: Robin celebrates his 11th birthday in the traditional Welsh way: slaughtering everyone at his party with an axe before being shot.

34 years later, his wealthy father Aiden has retired from a career in military technology to rest in his sprawling countryside mansion with housekeeper Freya and cat Smokey (don't get attached). A car accident has left Aiden something of an amnesiac, but he appears to have maintained enough of his engineering memories to build a robot reminiscent of his late son.

Enter some competition: the newly engaged nephew Leo and Lexi. Leo holds some resentment for his uncle not adopting him after the death of his parents (seemingly NOT connected to the aforementioned bloody birthday; this family has rough luck). He also owes quite a debt to a violent loan shark. Could Uncle Aiden's legendary safe save the day?

Maybe, but first we have a lot of murders to pile up in the estate's barn! Because for whatever reason, that's where Rob1n decides to do his dirty work. 

Written and directed by Lawrence Fowler, ROB1N easily meets its low ambitions. The film is mostly confined to one location, and Fowler seems to know how to stage violence in shadow and amp up the horror without showing us his limitations. The storyline is probably a little more complicated than it needs to be. I spent far too much time in the first twenty minutes trying to unravel the timeline and still don't actually understand, well, what Rob1n is or how much Aiden is at fault. All that said, I needed a killer doll movie, and I found one that kept me interested for a breezy 90 minutes.

High Points

I won't spoil it here, but ROB1N has a decent twist in its last act that offered a nice ripple to where we thought the story was going

Low Points

There are a LOT of hints that ROB1N was made for less money than M3GAN's hair and wardrobe budget, but none more so than the fact that for whatever reason, almost all of the film's violence occurs in an empty, rarely lit barn

Lessons Learned

Never trust your audience to read text, even when it's on the screen long enough for them to wonder, "is the character going to audibly read this out loud?" before you let said character read it out loud

Welsh law requires a warrant to enter a house, but barns are free reign

More Welsh surprises: people will actually answer phonecalls from strangers

Rent/Bury/Buy

I went into ROB1N with the lowest of expectations, so it's hard to know if my middle of the road rating is genuine or just a "could have been so much worse." Fowler clearly knows how to put together a movie with limited resources. I wish this one had a little more umph or personality (especially in its titular villain) but I found myself pretty invested through the brief runtime. It's not a strong recommendation, but if you, like me, have exhausted cinema's homicidal doll output, then maybe this will somewhat work for you too.