I Want To Play a Game

I've been trying very hard to break the devastating cycle of spending more time picking a movie than watching one. Peacock, one of the skimpier streamers when it comes to horror, makes that fairly easy. Something vaguely new pops up on the list? Just hit play.

Or in this case, dial.

Quick Plot: Chris Mitchell has just moved to Willow Falls following some kind of personal trouble. The first friend he makes is Tonya, a troubled fellow high schooler with a vendetta against presumed witch Edith Cranston.

Some years before Chris arrived in town, Tonya's little sister disappeared from Edith's daycare center. Suspicion surrounded Edith and her husband Edward, but their lawyers ensured the circumstantial evidence ended the investigation. Still, it's 1987 and the Satanic Panic is in full roar. The Cranstons lost the trust of their community.

Tonya has vowed to keep that hatred alive. On Chris's first weekend in Willow Falls, she drags him, boyfriend Zack, and Zack's brother Bret over to the Cranstons' home for some mild bullying. Edith, now a shell of a woman played by genre royalty Lin Shaye, doesn't take this well. Despite husband Edward (Jigsaw himself, Tobin Bell) proclaiming his love for his depressed wife, Edith finishes the evening hanging from a noose.

Chris feels terrible when he sees the obituary, and worse when Edward mysteriously invites him and his pals over for some intriguing news: Edith has bequeathed $100K in her will to the group, or rather, whichever one can - you guessed it - win her game.

Which means that yes, we get to hear Tobin Bell say "play a game", and yes, you will immediately find yourself realizing Tobin Bell simply cannot be expected to say these words without us all reacting as such.

There are no reverse bear traps in sight, but that doesn't mean the kids are getting off easy. One by one, they must enter a room and place a call to the phone that has been buried with Edith. If they stay on the line for one minute, they'll collect. 

Naturally, it's more complicated than that. Everyone has some darkness in their past ready to cross over with Edith's connections. 60 seconds can be a lot longer than it sounds. 

It's an interesting ambition to set your low budget film in the 1980s. The Call's story doesn't necessarily require a period piece, but I suppose the draw of suburban witch hunt fervor helps round out the rationale for Edith's position. Director Timothy Woodward Jr. and writer Patrick Stibbs can't resist a few obvious references, but for the most part, they're wise to downplay 1987 as simply the time that something like this could happen.

It obviously helps that we have two great actors anchoring the horror of The Call, even if we don't get as much of them as we'd like. The young cast members mostly hold their own, and Woodward Jr. finds some creative visuals to take them all down to their personal hell. 

The payoff isn't quite there, but I found The Call to be far more satisfying than its humble backing suggested. The story works in the hands of this cast, even if the details are a little messy.

High Points

It's Tobin Bell and Lin Shaye. What did you expect here? 

Low Points

I've said it before, and I'll probably say it for another 17 years: the deep demon voice is stupid

Lessons Learned

Nice guys take you to Dairy Queen

Moving to a new town can be lonely, but maybe don't rush into the first group of friends you meet when they're all at risk of committing felonies

Tobin Bell cannot say the word "hello" without his audience frantically montaging to all the times he did so at the end of 9 Saw movies

Rent/Bury/Buy

The Call played better than I expected, considering my expectations for a Peacock-streaming horror film I'd never heard of were basically non-existent. It's not going to win over anyone without a certain supply of grace for low budget horror, but if you're reading this, you probably are not one of those people. Give it a try. 

Demonic Succession

 

Mansion movies are fun. They're loaded with fancy antiques that double as sharp objects, eerie paintings that immediately build ambience, and a sense that anyone inside is at least somewhat deserving of a dark fate for having reaped so much wealth in their lifetime. 

Quick Plot: Absurdly rich business magnate Charles Abernathy formally invites his four children home on his 75th birthday, not to celebrate but for protection. Someone, or perhaps some...thing, is coming from him, and Charles decides the best defense is some hungry heirs.

We've got steely corporate twins Madeline and CJ (between this and Ready or Not 2, it's apparently a big year for steely corporate brother/sister twins), social media influencer Kami, and bland Drew with is nice wife Hannah. It doesn't take long to prove that Charles isn't paranoid but absolutely correct in fearing some kind of malicious element hot on his family's heels.

None of the siblings are overly close, leading to plenty of defensive suspicion that helps no one. Some kind of demonic entity picks up on their tension and starts pulling at each family scar. 

It's a busy night that ends with a pretty nifty revelation that I wouldn't dream of spoiling. Directed by Satanic Hispanics' Alejandro Brugués, The Inheritance has a certain lightweight efficiency about it that almost feels like it was made for one of these streaming service's condensed horror collections (Hulu's Into the Dark, for example). 

It wasn't. It's just...light. The subject matter is dark and demonic, but there's something about The Inheritance that just doesn't have the weight that you might expect from a full-length movie. It's GOOD, just...fleeting?

For an 85 minute streamer, The Inheritance is more than adequate. It's breezy, occasionally funny, and packs in some pretty neat imagery as it nears its satisfying conclusion.

High Points

It's not the most shocking turn of events, but I did appreciate the slight twist that made The Inheritance's ending pop a bit

Low Points

I hate just saying, "something was missing" as a general review, because that's bad writing where, you know, something is missing. But I can't quite put my finger on why The Inheritance just lacks some kind of heft

Lessons Learned

Social media influencers are convenient exposition dump characters

Abernathys don't believe in flair

Never put your trust in steely corporate brother/sister twins

Rent/Bury/Buy

The Inheritance is a perfectly fine way to pass some time. You can find it on Hulu when you once again have that 90-minute-or-less itch. 

There's a Snake In My Runtime

 

Sometimes, you see a search bundle for "under 90-minute films" and thank the gods of Netflix for taking most of the thinking out of your brain. 

Quick Plot: Katrina is on a long road trip with 5-year-old daughter Clara. Just as her phone loses service, her car gets a flat. If only that was the worst thing that happened to her in a day.

Clara is exploring the grass when a rattlesnake lunges and chomps on her leg. Katrina finds a nearby trailer occupied by an elusive woman who assures her she's treated these bites before. Katrina quickly replaces her tire and returns to discover the woman gone...along with Clara's bite. It's a good, albeit weird problem to have. 

At the nearest hospital, Katrina is relieved to see no evidence of Clara's bite. That is, of course, until a well-dressed man appears to collect her payment. What's worse than the American healthcare system? That of the Texas wilderness. 

The terms are clear: Katrina must take a human soul before sunset or watch Clara die a horrific death. Some quick googling (in the now 5-bar desert) confirms this town of Trulia has a long history of random murders from passerbys just before 6PM. 

Katrina is not a killer. She doesn't even eat meat! But with her daughter's life on the line, she quickly springs into action, trying to find someone close to or deserving of death. It's a lot harder than it looks. 

Written and directed by Zak Hilditch, Rattlesnake has a wonderfully concise premise. Unfortunately, it still struggles to package that effectively in its runtime. The opening act moves quickly and establishes everything we need to know for Katrina to get through the day. Then, we have the day.

We know that things have to culminate at the last minute. We've seen movies before, and anything with a ticking clock simply has to end when that last second strikes 12. That in itself reduces quite a bit of Rattlesnake's tension. An early afternoon diversion to a comatose patient's room is obviously NOT going to solve Katrina's dilemma. The audience knows this. There's is no reason for Hilditch's camera to have to spend 10 minutes going through the motions. 

It's not that Rattlesnake is completely devoid of tension. The early appearances of this curse's messengers are genuinely creepy, and the fundamental stakes are effectively high. How does a normal, pleasant woman go from changing a flat tire to executing murder over the course of 8 hours? According to Rattlesnake, the key is to throw on a baseball hat and hit a dive bar.

It's there that Katrina conveniently lands on the perfect victim: a sadistic wife beater who clearly would do the world good by not being in it. And yet...AND YET. 

There's nothing wrong with a character being indecisive. Heck, there's nothing wrong with a character not wanting to shoot someone. But if your entire movie is about how this person HAS TO SHOOT SOMEONE, then why do you keep dragging your feet, other than to make your audience scream in annoyance. 

I was deeply moved by writer/director Zak Hilditch's These Final Hours, an end of the world road trip that showed tons of promise. It's a shame that Rattlesnake feels like such a step back. Lead actress Carmen Ejogo is given virtually nothing to work with other than indecision. This probably would have been an excellent segment of an anthology, but even with its (Netflix promised) short length, it still just doesn't work. 

Hight Points

It's a good idea for a movie

Low Points

I'm a David Lynch fan who sees no flaws in Dougie Jones' slow crawl through season 3, and yet you can bet your Texas spurs that I was screaming for Katrina to GET A F*CKING MOVE ON as the sun set over her last chance. Remember how in The Mummy 2, Brendan Fraser outruns the sun, and it's the dumbest thing that can possibly happen? This comes a bit close

Lessons Learned

Believe it or not, even Texas has gun laws

A comatose grandpa isn't going to live forever

Always be aware of the local fauna on your road trip

Rent/Bury/Buy

I was enthused by the first twenty minutes of Rattlesnake, then realized quickly that this move had virtually nowhere to go. For me, this was a bland disappointment, but it's, you know, a professional looking little thriller (how can I not say that when this is the same destination that got excited by Things?). So...it's better than Things. But more entertaining? In no world. 

We're Opening Doors!

 

As a 44-year-old, I'm not exactly sure when I was supposed to have learned about liminal spaces. Obviously, it's a big thing! Backrooms? Kids love these backrooms!

I'm still trying to figure out what they are. 

I think today's film lives in this universe. But I don't know, because I'm rather old. 

Quick Plot: Brian is filming his graffiti artist pal Emily at work in an abandoned building when she discovers a perfectly clean white door standing in the middle of rubble. She enters, only to disappear as Brian spots some kind of red-eyed create inside.

One month later, filmmaker pals Sam and Ash discover the footage online and decide to investigate for their next documentary project. They start by interviewing Brian, who fears the worst. That doesn't stop the women from finding the door and bringing it to their very own apartment.

At first, Sam and Ash are still convinced it's all a trick. By the second door opening, they realize they're very, very wrong.

Something is happening on the other side. There are dead loved ones, chatty Malteses, and mirrors that are not quite mirrors. After post-it'ing out all the possibilities, the women decide their only real option is to go inside. 

Armed with their cell phones, they discover a sort of children's play area with shades of Squid Game's production design. Signs guide them to free hugs dispensed by a giant stuffed panda...who then reveals spidery tentacles and chases them outside. 

Back in the real world, Ash and Sam team up with college professor Innis, a specialist in these kinds of altered realities. He helps lead them to some important conclusions: these doors are gateways to other dimensions (obviously) but more importantly, the person entering has some sway over its design. 

That's important when these places might require some kind of human sacrifice.

At barely 80 minutes, Hostile Dimensions wastes little time plunging us into its weird little worlds. Writer/director Graham Hughes, with some great help from lead actors Annabel Logan and Joma West, nails his unique tone. Hostile Dimensions is horror with an undercurrent of comedy that somehow works so much better than my description would probably have you believe. 

By this point in time, found footage is a familiar genre that still remains incredibly tricky to pull off well. Hostile Dimensions manages to succeed with an intriguing story, natural actors, and a willingness to embrace the absurd. 

High Points

I love a short movie, and I love a short movie even more when it ends and I want more

Low Points

While I was intrigued by one of our main character's pretty big choices in the end, I did feel (maybe because of the 80 minute runtime) that we didn't quite get to a point where I understood it

Lessons Learned

When something tells you it's dangerous, you should believe it

A talking dog is scary in any size

There's not much of an audience for stories about boutique teddy bear manufacturers

Rent/Bury/Buy

I had a great time with Hostile Dimensions. It's as unnerving as it is funny as it is, simply, very strange. Find it on Shudder.

At Least We Don't Have to Study

 

Sometimes you just need some zombies. It's just life.

Quick Plot: Sloane is having a rough December morning. Her butter is hard, her father abusive, and her suicide note still needs one more draft. It's almost a relief when fast zombies show up to sprint through her small Canadian town.

She manages to make it to her school where a few classmates have found safety. There's some cafeteria food, running water, and windows that are fairly easy to secure. Also, depression and the justifiable dread that life is short.

Based on Courtney Summers' 2012 novel, This Is Not a Test is written and directed by Adam MacDonald, the prolific creator of Slasher who demonstrated a great understanding of teenage angst in Pyewacket. On paper, this movie offers a LOT: the charming Olivia Holt in the lead, a nostalgic 1998 setting, and a good old fashioned simple zombie story that can always serve as a solid background.

So why is This Is Not a Test so...blah?

It starts with the timeline. A December date is great for giving us some sad snow and tonally conflicting cheery holiday decorations, but This Is Not a Test barely acknowledges it. The kids wisely keep the lights off in their school to not call attention to their hiding space, but this also means the film's coloring is unbearably, glumly gray. 

The young actors try, but they're not served well by a script that can't seem to decide who any of them really are. Early ringleader Cary shows some shifty morality in the beginning, butting heads with a town mother in a way that makes for the film's most interesting conflict. But that's done before Act 2, and Cary seems to spend the rest of the movie in the background before making a grand but confusing choice in the finale. 

The rest of the kids aren't given much more. Olivia Holt feels miscast as the shy, suicidal Sloane. There is some complexity in the relationships between the kids (a sibling pair, some romance, the addition of a teacher to really twist things around) but there just isn't any real development between them. I'm guessing the novel had more heft that the film kind of assumes without providing. It's just an extreme lack of anything definitive to give a perfectly fine group of young actors.

I didn't necessarily dislike This Is Not a Test. It held my attention, but by the end, I felt so disappointed by what I didn't get, especially considering the talent here.

High Points

While not groundbreaking, the zombie action is generally handled quite well (especially when you've seen as many low budget genre movies as I have). There are even some interesting ideas about how they seem to be evolving in 'napping' to wait out their prey

Low Points
I've said it before and I'll most certainly say it again: I hate blood spatter on a camera. All it does is call attention to the fact that you're watching a movie and the director thought this was cool

Lessons Learned

When you're smart you don't have to cheat on a test

Just because you're no longer someone's teacher doesn't mean you should instantly comment on how pretty she is

You can always find extra clothes in the drama department

Rent/Bury/Buy

This Is Not a Test is a slightly better-than-average zombie movie, but that's in part because there are a LOT of very cheaply made zombie movies. It will certainly scratch that very particular undead itch that most horror fans experience every few months, but once you sit back to think about the film, it dwindles. Find it on Shudder if you're curious. 

Hello Mudduh

 

Summer means a lot of things, including me using it as a reason to watch any horror movie set in a sleepaway camp.

Quick Plot: Our backstory comes via a creepily enthusiastic local news anchor reporting about the anniversary of the massacre at Camp Twilight. Seriously, she's REALLY excited about it.

Some years earlier (if I'm understanding this movie's timeline?), a young couple disappeared while skinny dipping. The next night, another pair (bitter middle aged moms who hate their families) were enjoying some much needed beers in the same spot when a figure in black drops by to murder them.

The keystone rangers are fumbling through some clues, but not quickly enough to stop the next visitors: a batch of failing high school students forced to attend a weekend trip at the same cursed location under the watch of principal Warner and enthusiastic teacher Miss Bloom (producer and co-writer Felissa Rose, who obviously knows a thing or two about sleepaway camps). 

The teens grumble and grope while their numbers begin to dwindle. Who could it be prowling the campgrounds in a sweatsuit that looks like it had to have the logo ripped off right before shooting?

Woof, Camp Twilight is not good. The acting makes RuPaul's Drag Race sketches feel positively Shakespearean, while the violence is so quickly staged that we barely register a character's in danger, let alone already stabbed to death. And the reveal...oh my, the reveal.

I actually won't spoil Camp Twilight, because honestly, while you might see the ending coming, it's probably the only real interesting thing the film has going for it. But let me discuss, without naming names, the coda.

After the massacre ends, the film goes on for another five minutes with audio newscasters telling us more developments in the case as the camera watches a car drive on a coastal highway. Over the course of these five minutes, we learn that our killer escaped, a survivor was institutionalized, our killer was spotted, our survivor was released from custody and then arrested (seriously, that one happens in one report), and that our killer was spotted again. I understand any low budget film cutting corners, but by god, there has got to be a better way.

High Points

Felissa Rose seems like a very cheerful and lovely person

Low Points

She's in a very bad movie

Lessons Learned

Just because you're a good enough athlete to have a full athletic scholarship doesn't mean you're able to outrun a slasher walking briskly

The best place to keep your convenience store gun is right in an open cubby

Florida detectives are not only bad at their jobs: they're also terrible at hemming pants

Rent/Buy/Buy

I'm sure there's a small contingent of horror completists who feel compelled to watch every slasher. That's really the only type of person who should watch Camp Twilight. It's on Amazon Prime if you're that kind of weirdo, or, I guess, if you're a parent to one of the actors?