Let's Get Ready To Leprechaun

Apparently, the film-seeing public really wanted a serious Leprechaun movie that handled the material with the full weight it--

Oh who am I kidding. I can't joke about this. WWE produced a Leprechaun movie. 

But why, you ask, would they do that?

Well, possibly because they have a little person in their employment and The Miz can only do so many of those ABC Family/WWE coproduction Christmas movies. Plus, they helped distribute Oculus, which was genuinely scary. If they had something (a tenuous something) to do with a good movie about an evil mirror, why, I suppose, shouldn't they find the same luck with a movie about a murderous leprechaun?

Applying the idea of logic to anything having to do with the World Wrestling Feder--er, Enterprise is never a wise move, as See No Evil could certainly tell you. But hey, how can I possibly let a new Leprechaun movie streaming for free on Amazon Prime go unwatched here in the midst of The Shortening?

I'm only human.

And maybe 1/32nd leprechaun.

Quick Plot: A quartet of young and attractive American backpackers who can store all their vacation clothing and essentials in messenger bags are wandering through Ireland on the search for some history. Well, smart Sophie (Stephanie Bennett of The Nine Lives of Christmas fame) wants to see artifacts, her selfish boyfriend wants to be selfish, and the token fun couple wants to have fun.

A friendly customer named Hamish tells Sophie about some secret ancient historical ruins located a few hours from their current location, and smoothly suggesting the group stays at a cabin he occasionally rents out. Because if they say no we don't get a Leprechaun: Origins movie, the kids settle in for the night as Hamish and his grumpy son ominously lock them inside as a sacrifice to you-know-who.

You might be wondering, since we're a good half hour or so into this movie, where the leprechaun might be. For whatever reason (I think I'll use that expression a lot in this review), director Zach Lipovsky (who co-starred in the basketball playing sasquatch movie Big & Hairy) decides to Jaws-ify his villain, giving us mere glimpses for most of the film's brief running time. That would be fine if Leprechaun: Origins was, you know, scary. 

It's not that the movie doesn't try, something that certainly could not be said about most of the original series. The Leprechaun franchise has always been an odd duck in the realm of horror, trying in its early installments to balance terror with laughs only to give up and embrace its own ridiculousness rather immediately. This is a series that went from Lucky Charms jokes to outer space, and that was all before Warwick Davis had to rap in da hood.

On that note, Leprechaun: Origins could have been exceedingly worse. Had its makers gone the "we're so self-aware" route and failed, this could have been a painful, completely hate-worthy experience. Of course, being a self-aware goofy franchise was in part what defined the Leprechaun series to begin with, so taking a 180 turn and giving us a straight-out horror movie with nary a wink is...well, a tad odd.

See, you'd have to travel over a lot of rainbows to find someone who genuinely believes it is possible to make a scary leprechaun movie. Sure, Davis's villain could teleport and pogo stick with flair, but even I can concede that killer leprechauns are not easy material. Perhaps a master of horror could make it work, in the same way that many a talented filmmaker has given the world genuinely terrifying children, dolls, and other Shortening alumni. But, well, that doesn't happen here.

Leprechaun: Origins is not a terrible movie. It's not really even a bad one, more a mediocre straight-to-whatever-format-people-watch-movies-that-don't-get-theatrical-releases horror flick about pretty young people being terrorized by something that will inevitably kill them in predictable order. The pretty young people are your typical brood of bland, although the script flirts with the idea of what it means when your fellow travelers don't react heroically with self-sacrifice. That in itself could have been a big strength in giving the story a new spin, but despite lingering on shots of characters blatantly not stopping to help their injured friend, the movie never seems to actually want to deal with it or its consequences.

So instead with get Dylan "Hornswoggle" Postl's leprechaun, which may as well just be a blood gnome. Postl is a WWE wrestler and, let's face it, probably the main reason the network decided to revive the property. But one of the biggest issues of the movie is the utter anonymity of its titular villain. For as chatty and cliche-spewing charming as Warwick Davis was allowed to be, Postl never makes a sound or really gets a chance to show off his physical skills. He's just there. Kind of like the rest of the movie.

High Points

When--eventually--the leprechaun finally starts to get his hunt on, there are some fairly interesting sparks of violence that suggest what a neater film this might have been if it had been given full reign to go for the rough stuff

Low Points

78 minutes into the film, the credits started to roll.

And roll.

And roll.

I'm a believer in sitting through the credits, not just to count the many wacky nicknames crew members tend to grab, but also because you really just never know if the movie has ended until you give it up for the best boy (usually someone with a name like John "Skippy" Skipton). So I let the television run.

And run.

And run.

In the amount of time Leprechaun: Origins' end credits lasted, I could have done any of the following activities:

- heated up 6 Hot Pockets

- run a mile and an eighth or so

- watched Cher say "wagon wheel watoosi" just long enough to ascend to the next level of nirvana, then sat back for an additional two minutes to enjoy new status of nirvana

And the thing is, THERE IS NO REWARD. Throughout the credits, you get get the same shots of basements and blurry Irish history books dropped in the film, only now bathed in sepia tone. And then there's a violent closeup of The Leprechaun. And then it's all over, and you rewind to confirm that yes indeed, you just experienced a 78 minute movie with a 12 minute end credits sequence. Even Charles Band has never been THAT obvious about padding his running time, and he's Charles Band!

Lessons Learned

Woods are generally filled with lions and tigers and chickens and shit

The eyesight of a leprechaun is a combination of Predator-ish heat vision and random spurts of clear lighting with really blurry figures. Or maybe those scenes were from the point of view of when the leprechaun took his contacts out

Always remember that you have plenty more than an Irishman can steal than a mere 6-pack of Guinness 

COME ONE Lessons For Filmmakers

Look guys, I get it. Hot chicks wearing bras are hot. You know what hot chicks in bras are not? SLEEPING. Women. Don't. Sleep. In. Bras. Male directors who don't wear bras, talk to the women in your life or the actresses in your movie and ask them what they wear to bed. Trust me, it's not a piece of clothing with wires that dig into your sternum designed to keep your breasts in place when being active during the day. Do you wear a tie to bed? EXACTLY. 

Rent/Bury/Buy

Leprechaun: Origins is ultimately a missed opportunity to restart what was a fun, if stupid little franchise. This is by no means the worst new horror movie you'll find on Amazon Prime, but it's certainly among the most frustrating. If you have a specific 78 minute window to fill, it's there. 

Where's M'Casino Player's Card?

I know what you’re thinking. ‘Here it is St. Patrick’s Day and all Emily could do was act as 85% of the horror blogosphere and post a review of a Leprechaun movie? Way to think inside the box.’

Thanks guys, thanks a lot. Excuse me while I crouch in a corner now and cry, drinking my sorrows away with some Guinness and soaking up my tears with Irish soda bread. All I wanted to do was be seasonal.  

Quick Plot: At a Las Vegas pawn shop, a one-legged/one-eyed man frantically accepts $20 from Gupta (the store owner who politely reminds the audience of his name by referring to himself in the third person) for a brass statue of, you guessed it, a leprechaun.

Who?

A leprechaun!

Herein lies my first (and later, second) issue with Leprechaun 3: at several points in the film, a character asks our titular villain “Who are you?” His answer always remains as thus:

“I’m a leprechaun!”

Yes, by this time in history, Wayne’s World had already cemented that line as a cultural gold coin, but the last time someone asked me who I was, you can bet your buckled shoe my response was not “I’m a human being.”

But why am I wasting time on the details when I’ve got a movie about a leprechaun turning mob goons into human slot machines? Onward!

So Gupta reawakens the unnamed leprechaun, taking one of his shillings while researching leprechaun lore via an adorably dated CD-ROM with Happy Little Elves-like animation. Meanwhile, Scott, the world’s oldest looking 18 year old, is making a Vegas pit stop on his way to college orientation when he stops to pick up Tammy, a frustrated magician’s assistant. Ten minutes later, he’s lost $25,000 at the roulette table (because he’s an idiot) and is desperately trying to pawn his watch across the street.

Naturally, Scott ends up at Gupta’s counter just as the leprechaun is putting on his final kill moves. Like a good midwest boy, Scott calls the police and picks up the missing gold coin, instantly wishing himself back at the casino for an impossible winning streak that makes dealer Caroline Williams (the lovable Slack from Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2) rather suspicious. Because leprechaun gold coins can apparently grant your wishes, Scott indeed DOES end up on an impossible winning streak while Tammy (if you still care) slaves in a leotard for a hilariously Gob-like magician named Fazio.

In terms of storyline, Leprechaun 3 feels surprisingly complicated, with Scott and Tammy’s pseudo-romance, the sleazy casino owner’s money troubles, Fazio and Caroline Williams’ heist, and the leprechaun’s rampage all crammed tightly in a brisk 90 minutes. Scott also has a mini-arc regarding a leprechaun bite that transforms him into a gingery potato eating rhymer. Sure.

Despite a cluttered storyline, the film is actually a pretty darn good time. Director Brian Trenchard-Smith (Turkey Shoot) maintains a nice spirit of lightheartedness in every frame, getting energetic performances out of every actor, from the wide-eyed leads to a random Elvis impersonator who yes, teaches a move or two to the leprechaun. Why would he not?

High Points

I love a movie that has fun with its kills, and between the plastic surgery blow-up and robot sex electrocution that seems weirdly foreshadowing that creepy Russian vodka mascot, Leprechaun 3 isn’t lacking

There’s a nice, not too forced comic vibe to some of the supporting characters, particularly with Fazio and the entertaining Williams, but also with a pair of chatty mob goons and some bored surgeons

Low Points

I have an odd pet peeve with unambitious opening credits, which just feel like a time waster rather than mood setter. Leprechaun 3 opens with a black screen and vaguely Irish music playing as we learn about the supporting cast and composers. Just start the leprechauning already

Lessons Learned

A Fazio is a mediocre magician who couldn’t pull a rabbit out of a pet store

Without his gold, a leprechaun is just a gnome

In Las Vegas, it’s perfectly normal for brass statues of mythical creatures to disappear and be replaced by pots of gold coins. No need to jump or look around for a candid camera

The definition of a Las Vegas penis: heat sinking moisture missile

As a rule, people usually can’t tell you where they’ve hidden your gold when they are dead

A check for $25,000 should cover your first year of college tuition and living expenses

Not to be obvious, but by this point, you've probably had more than your share of Irish Car Bombs, so I'll spell it out for you: be careful what you wish for

Seriously

Rent/Bury/Buy

Look, we all know that the Leprechaun series sort of epitomizes the general consensus that the ‘90s were a nadir in horror franchises, so calling this third installment the best won’t mean a whole lot. Still, Leprechaun 3 is a surprisingly enjoyable little monster flick,  one well aware of its audience and eager to give them the laughs, kills, and occasional nudity (sorry ladies, not of the leprechaun) they expect. It won’t change your life or give you anything close to a nightmare, but for 90 minutes (particularly if found on a bargain triple pack) it will make your Irish eyes smile.

Time to Skin the Lightning Bugg...

Check the calendar kiddos: it’s time for the monthly Lightning Bugg’s Lair/Deadly Doll’s House Exchange Program! This month, I assigned Mr. T.L. Bugg one of my absolute favorite films, Stuart Gordon’s 1987 horror fairy tale, Dolls. Head over to his fine establishment of a blog for his take (which better be dripping with praise or the fluorescent lamp WILL be turned to high) as I tackle the less esteemed, yet still...interesting 2004 indie, Skinned Deep.

Quick Plot: Like about 31% of all direct-to-DVD horror, Skinned Deep revolves around a group of ‘normies (in this case, a family a few waiting lists spots away from eligibility in The Biggest Loser) whose car breaks down in the land of mutant backwoods carnivores. The perfectly unsightly nuclear family are invited to dinner with a seemingly kind old lady and her sons:

 the Surgeon General (a gas masked cousin of Dr. Satan with a rather groovy bear trap mouth)

Brain, the sensitive overall clad shy one with an enormous noggin

and my favorite, Plates, the dish-tossing dwarf played with typical panache by a pasty faced Warwick Davis.

In a pretty kickass (yet incredibly silly) scene, 3/4 of the family is brutally slaughtered and the teenage Tina taken captive to be Brain’s future bride. Don’t worry: it’s much less dirty than it sounds.


Sure, the kind-hearted mutant gets a fantasy Basket Case-like streaking scene in Times Square (something that apparently got the very game Jay Dugre arrested since unlike Cameron Crowe, director Gabe Bartalos wasn’t about to splurge on those filming permits) but Brain treats Tina like a lady. He even takes her to a public park filled with people whom she could probably have hitched a ride with and teaches her how to ride a motorcycle, something that in no way could possibly have any bearing on anything else that might happen later in the film.

Meanwhile, the mutant family makes a few more enemies when an elderly gang of bikers (one member being the late Forest Ackerman) stop for some coffee. When one geezer decides to put the moves on Granny, she responds accordingly by having her children brutally slay him, later leading to his grizzled gray haired pals riding back to town to take some vengeance. And get blown up, attacked by plates, and have heart attacks. Whatever happened to bingo halls and early bird specials?

By now you probably realize that Skinned Deep is no Texas Chainsaw Massacre. It is, however, about on par with The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation or perhaps more fittingly, the Dan Akroyd directed Nothing But Trouble. Yes, these are comparisons that should send chills down the spines of most discerning filmgoers, but there are plenty of cinema-nonsnobs with a weird sweet tooth for this type of terrible fun.


And seriously, that’s what this movie is. Warwick Davis seems to have full reign of doing whatever the Hoth he feels, from a touchdown dance in front of an old shirtless man to an extensive political monologue about why senior citizens suck. It’s that kind of movie, and as long as you’re in the mood for it, it’s not necessarily a bad thing.

(For the record, this man clearly does not suck. I mean his acting kind of does, but look at that grin!)

High Points
This might make me an evil person, but I automatically give a handful of bonus points to any film unafraid to murder its underage characters


Low Points
You know, when female nudity is displayed in most films, the audience gets really excited because most of the time, it’s somewhat impressive. Why is it then that most of the men who take it all off on camera are generally just...well, I give them points for bravery


I often complain when low budget releases don’t include subtitles and generally, it’s for a very simple reason. The audio of Skinned Deep is terrible, loud in some scenes and barely audible in others. Thankfully, the DVD includes a necessary subtitle option that simply must be on to get half the film


Lessons Learned
Cardinal rules of T names remain in place. Just as any character named Tiffany is inevitably a slut, the heroic Tina follows her name in being your typical bitch

It takes about 8 seconds to choke to death on sand


A heart attack is best explained as your heart exploding into chunks


Vegetable print dresses flatter no woman, least of all Bette Midler’s much less attractive mutant cousin (who by the way, isn’t playing one of the mutants)

The Winning Line:

“Coffee. Make mine black.”
Um. You don’t make coffee black. It comes that way. You make it un-black by adding stuff to it. Hence, when your waitress is holding an urn, you don’t need to say anything else


Rent/Bury/Buy
Skinned Deep will please a particular sort of horror fan, the type who relishes the zany washed down with a gooey glass of gore. It’s not a good movie--okay, it’s a terrible terrible film--but at the same time, it never shies from its wackiness and delivers the goods with a whole lot of heart. The DVD includes an audio commentary and a behind-the-scenes feature with a style of its own. Just watch Warwick Davis behind interviewed while wearing his Leprechaun makeup. That in itself is kind of super.