Poop In Your Stocking: The Dog Who Saved the Holidays

When I learned that someone had essentially done a remake of Home Alone with an adorable yellow lab cast in the role previously played by the adorable blond Macauly Culkin, I ran to Netflix faster than a Greyhound at the racetrack. Searching for The Dog Who Saved Christmas led me instead to what I assumed to be its alternate title, The Dog Who Saved the Holidays. Imagine my confusion when upon popping in the DVD I was greeted with a trailer for The Dog Who Saved Christmas (starring Mario Lopez as the voice of the title character), only to wonder why a movie is advertising the very movie you're about to watch. But see, THAT trailer was followed by one for The Dog Who Saved Christmas Vacation, now with Paris Hilton paycheck grubbing along to voice a poodle. Finally, the DVD menu showed me the title of the movie I was about to watch, "The Dog Who Saved the Holidays."

So to recap, this is a film franchise that goes as follows:

The Dog Who Saved Christmas

The Dog Who Saved Christmas Vacation

The Dog Who Saved the Holidays

Maybe they feared that calling this one The Dog Who Saved Christmas Again would scare off those who never watch a sequel without seeing its source? Or maybe they wanted to be more inclusive? There is indeed ONE mention of Hanuka in this movie, although it's basically thrown in when a bratty child complains about going to church and his dad (played by Kevin James' older brother, proving here that things can always get worse) says something to the effect of "Be Jewish and you can celebrate Hanuka."

Note: the dog (now voiced by Joey Lawrence, presumably because Mario Lopez got too expensive) does not seem to give a sh*t about Hanuka. I declare false advertising.

Quick Plot: Zeus is an extremely talented Labrador living with the terrible horrible no good very bad Bannister family. Dad George (Kevin James' aforementioned brother) is a terrible human being with little manners and two nasty, whiny, ungrateful and disloyal children. Mom Elisa Donovan (whose resume post-Clueless is about 85% these types of Christmas movies, making her the Lance Henrikson of the genre) is okay enough, save for the fact that she's pregnant which means this terrible horrible no good very bad family is getting bigger. Which is terrible, horrible, no good, and very bad.

The Bannisters are heading to Malibu for Christma--er, I mean THE HOLIDAYS where they'll be staying with Babs, George's wealthy sister played by a sad Hostess snowball that tragically ate Shelley Long. 

Co-PRODUCER Shelley Long.

For THE HOLIDAYS, Babs bestows upon this unworthy family an adorable puppy who, as fate turns out, is about as big an a$$hole as the family she joins. Really the only likable characters in this movie are Zeus and Michael Gross as Babs' neighbor, mostly because his role lets us realize that Michael Gross is on the same sacrifice-a-virgin diet plan as Vanna White.

Conflict arises in two places: Zeus' challenge adjusting to his bitch of a little sister (literally) and a pair of thieves who must steal Babs' diamond-encrusted star (not a vaginal reference) in order to pay back their mob loan shark. Played by the once mighty Dean Cain and the always farting Joey Diaz, the duo tries in vain to channel the way superior Wet Bandits. It's not pretty for any of us.

Nothing about this movie is pretty. We're about 10 minutes in when Kevin James' brother prances around his bedroom wearing a color-matched satin pajama suit, all the while begging his pregnant wife for a massage. Yes director Michael Feifer, THAT'S what the ladies want to see in their children's films. Because he is overweight, Kevin James' brother's character constantly farts, as does the OTHER overweight character, and a llama. You think I'm kidding, but were I to track it, I'd say a good 37% of The Dog Who Saved the Holiday's dialogue is just farts.

One of which is Kevin James' older brother

Things are no better in the non-fart filled scenes. Take, for example, a simple conversation between Elisa Donovan and The Sad Hostess Snowball That Ate Shelley Long. For some reason, Feifer chooses to shoot it in extreme closeup, meaning we're off-centeredly shoved in the faces of these two unknowing actresses. This is sad for the otherwise attractive Donovan and truly tragic for the hasn't-aged-great Long, especially since the EXTREME CLOSEUP forces us to stare down some of her otherwise unnoticeable blemishes. Look: I get pimples too, but that doesn't mean a camera is supposed to focus on them.

Sadly the big Home Alone-ish finale doesn't make anything better. After two films of outwitting the bad guys, I expected great things from the Kevin McAllister mind of Zeus. All he actually has to do to thwart Dead Cain and his farting assistant is throw tennis balls down the stairs, fake rabies, and dial 9-11 with his (admittedly adorable) paw. We don't even get a good groin injury!

The Dog Who Saved the Holidays is a rather dreadful little film, mostly because it expects us to care about a group of disgusting human beings and their mean-spirited puppy. Yes, you read that right: I didn't even like the puppy in this film, and she was adorable. That's a problem.

Sass Factor

An angry black car rental employee serves it up well to the terrible human beings who attempt to bribe her into a reservation. Note that the actress Shirell Ferguson-Coleman also stopped by Feifer's A Christmas Wedding Tail to give Kelly Taylor a touch of urban sass

Lessons Learned

A girl shouldn’t have to ask for a man to lick her face

Just because it’s the 21st century is no reason for today’s youth to not say ‘radical’

Cujo is a good movie

Holiday saving boy dogs do not have genitalia

Token Slapstick Alert

Dad FALLS. At the BEACH. It's HILARIOUS. 

Montage Mania

Almost as many montages as there are farts! We get a slow motion dramatic recap of the Bannister family unwrapping presents and singing carols, a token decorate-the-house montage, and what I imagine must be clips from the first two movies as Zeus remembers being adopted by the terrible horrible no good very bad Bannisters

Stocking Stuffer or Coal In Your Stocking?

As I sit here thinking about how much I hated everything about this movie save for the dog, I realize how unhealthy a person I've become because damnit, I know I'm still going to seek out The Dog Who Saved Christmas AND The Dog Who Saved Christmas Vacation. So what does that say about me? I guess that I deserve coal and dog poop in my stocking. But dear readers, please love yourself more and demand better from your canine holiday cinema. The world should not follow my example.

Nah, I'm Just a Worm

There's a whole lot to love about Tremors. Big hungry worms. An adorable bromance. Kevin Bacon's feathered locks. Pole vaulting. Reba McEntire. The fact that it's an easy go-to when defending '90s horror as having at least SOME merit.

As for the sequels, I know not much about them. I watched Part 2 back in the days of VHS and all I remember was the lack of the Bacon. As with breakfast buffets or cobb salads, that's usually a bad thing.

Parts 3 & 4 were apparently made for the SyFy Channel before it got hip with the Ys. Now you might call me a wild one for daring to jump ahead to the last film without the continuity of its predecessors, but guess what? There's a lotta things about me you don't know anything about. Things you wouldn't understand. Things you COULDN’T understand. Things...you shouldn't understand. 

I’m a loner. A rebel. You know the rest.

Wait, where was I? Right, see, Tremors 4 is actually a prequel set in the old west and co-starring Billy '7 Mummies' Drago, a fact that results in the following:

1. I can skip parts 2 & 3
2. I must watch this movie

Quick Plot: Welcome to Rejection, population: dwindling. When 17 miners are mysteriously (and savagely) killed, only a handful of townsfolk remain. Among them are Juan, a hard-working Mexican with dreams of owning a range, Christine, a spunky redheaded innkeeper, the Changs, Chinese immigrants turned general store owners, and Tecopa, a Native American. There might have been a few more pieces of fodder--er, characters, but let's answer the question that's really burning your bottom:

Michael Gross (he to the Tremors-verse what Brad Dourif is to Child’s Playland or Costas Mandylor is to the Saw movies) is top-billed and yet, you say, this film is set a good 70 years or so before the birth of his franchise character, Burt Gummer, the gun-loving trucker-hat wearing country boy so handy with a firearm. Taking a note from Back to the Future, Tremors 4 casts Gross as Hiram, the great great (maybe still great, I'm bad with numbers) granpaw of our modern hero. 

A good deal of humor comes from Gross's portrayal of his previous character's exact opposite: Hiram is a prissy, sheltered investor raised with a silver spoon shoved so far in it reaches his prim mustache. Those who know the series will be amused by his mannerisms, chuckling at how he holds a gun as if he were Denise Richards trying to figure out how to open a dictionary.

But as much as we love Mr. Keating, the reason to watch any Tremors film is a little less complex: carnivorous worms! On that front, Tremors 4 is...okay. It’s refreshing that the creatures are done with practical effects (though some gooey splatter bares the mark of SyFy quality CGI) and the film adds some fun by playing with the size and age of the creatures. We came for the worms, we get the worms, and while they’re not spectacular, they’re still worms. 

Speaking of worms, Billy Drago shows up! The genre movie slummer gives a fun turn as

a sharp shooter hired to fight the tremors and teach Hiram how to handle a pistol. It’s amusing.

And ‘amusing’ is pretty much the best way to sum up Tremors 4. Does it capture the energy of the first film? No, but that’s a juggernaut too special to be repeated on a straight-to-Sci-Fi-Channel original. Still, the movie is a good time in a bag-o-microwave-popcorn kind of way, and sometimes, that’s the snack we need.

High Points

You have to love any film that begins with a clean decapitation played for gentle laughs

Low Points

MINOR SPOILERS

Tremors has never been a mean franchise--in a way, it’s almost like the Brendan Fraser of horror comedy--and therefore, once we reach a point a good 30 minutes from the end where the only characters left alive are the friendly batch of townspeople with big dreams, it’s pretty obvious that none of them will be wormed

Lessons Learned

No one goes without a hat in China

Naming your town ‘Rejection’ ain’t such a bright idea

Rich people are always fat. Even if you think ‘hey, he’s rich and rather slim,’ you’ll probably learn that said he has actually lost all his fortune and is therefore not required to be fat

Rent/Bury/Buy

Tremors 4 is a good-hearted TV-PG rated monster film, one fit for a busy Sunday afternoon filled with sorting laundry or making your office lunch for the rest of the week. It’s not an overly exciting time, but hey, it has a nice spirit about it and offers plenty of wry smiles for those who love a good worming.