Night of the Senior Living

 

Following the string of hot but horrible twentysomethings-in-terror movies I've watched as of late, nothing was more welcome than a story about seniors. Sadly the selection is slim, but thankfully, also very mighty. 

Quick Plot: Retired ballet instructor Judith (the always splendid Barbara Hershey) celebrates her 70th birthday surrounded by family and former students, happily embracing her golden years only to collapse. Though mentally and physically fit, Parkinson's is beginning to take a toll, leaving the widowed Judith to book herself new residency at a senior living facility.

Her distant daughter supports the move, though teen grandson Josh is devastated. Judith practically raised the boy, and their connection runs deep. 

At first, Judith's new digs seem less than ideal, but livable. Her roommate is nearly catatonic, but a pleasant nurse helps lead her to the in-crowd: sassy Ruth (the late Fran Bennett) and Trish (The Taking of Deborah Logan's Jill Larson), and catch of the nursing home, Roland (my silver fox Bruce Davison). Much like a college theater department, an available, viable straight male probably does well in a nursing home environment. 

It's not quite enough to please Judith, especially as residents seem to start dying off in rapid succession. Judith begins to have wild incidences at night, brushed off as nightmares that can be cured with sedatives by the staff. Even her beloved Josh has a hard time believing her when the facility's doctor shows evidence of Judith's own health declining.

This being a horror movie, we all side with Judith, and it's nearly impossible not to with Hershey's performance. How divine to see an actor like her in this role. Judith is, and the script acknowledges, far more spry than most of her age bracket, but this is still a story that embraces what it means to age. 

The Manor is written and directed by Axelle Carolyn, someone who has steadily been building a career in the genre. I haven't loved some of her output (her flashback episode of The Haunting of Bly Manor felt like a big tonal misfire) but The Manor is genuinely excellent, and a hugely exciting sign of what she can do. Despite being about senior citizens, it feels incredibly fresh in its approach and deeply satisfying in execution. What a pleasure. 

High Points

I won't spoil the delicious ending, but it was incredibly satisfying in a way I didn't see coming

Low Points

The Manor has a very small scale, which makes sense once you understand it was part of Amazon's "Welcome to the Blumhouse" series. Much like Hulu's Into the Dark, these are lower-budget, shorter running length films. I get the sense that The Manor could have been even more effective in terms of its gothic tone with a few more bucks behind it

Lessons Learned

I'm a cat person and can't imagine life without the feline monsters, but maybe, just MAYBE, they're not the best animals to have on staff at a nursing home

One must earn the ability to use bad language

No one can live long enough to deserve the horrors of a children's choir

Rent/Bury/Buy

At a spry 90 minutes, The Manor is the perfect Sunday morning spooky watch. It won't necessarily give you nightmares, but it taps into something very deep regarding aging, while also maintaining a grand sense of fun. Have a watch on Amazon Prime. 

Dream On

 

I'm a mark for pretty movies. Tropical islands with blue water and forest green trees and beautiful people in small amounts of clothing generally add up to something that doesn't even have to be good to be aesthetically enjoyable. 

A Perfect Getaway is obviously the gold standard for this, a twisty thriller stacked with a hot, talented cast in a postcard-ready setting. Few movies (in ANY genre) will ever top it, and based on all the horrible things I heard about Fantasy Island when it came out back in 2020, I was doubtful this would be one. But when on Hulu...

Quick Plot: After winning a contest, a batch of immediately awful strangers lands on the titular Fantasy Island. The concierge guides them to their luxury rooms and cocktail hour, whereupon the smooth Mr. Roarke appears to confirm the reason for their visit: the island will make their dream come true. 

Brothers JD and Brax start it off with a spring break-like pool party, while the more mature Gwen revisits her chance to accept her ex-boyfriend's marriage proposal. Melanie gets to enact extreme revenge on her middle school bully and Patrick gets to finally play soldier, the dream he's had since his father died heroically on duty. 

It's all fun and games until they all realize, at right the same moment, that the fantasies are indeed too real. 

Fantasy Island is directed by Jeff Wadlow, who also made the Lucy Hale-starring Truth or Dare (not to be confused with the other movie that told the exact same story with the same beats and was also titled Truth or Dare but did not contain a Pretty Little Liar). Here's what I had to say about that film back in my original watch:

The film was savaged by critics when it came out in theaters, but as a two-years-later Hulu watch, it's exactly the kind of hot-people-in-peril horror flick that I tend to enjoy.

And here we are again! 

Great cinema? No. Fully watchable? Absolutely! On Hulu, yes, that too.

Lucy Hale gets to be dynamically snarky. Ryan Hansen and Jimmy O. Yang create an adorably dumbly funny brotherly dynamic that works (at least for me). Michael Pena has fun as island master Mr. Roarke, and Maggie Q helps to lend a little humanity to the whole affair. There's even a Michael Rooker gone rogue subplot. Why did horror fans hate this?

Sure, there was some kerfuffle over the film's late decision to edit down for a PG13 rating, but honestly, there was really no need to go any harsher. Granted, as someone who has their own, I don't need to see what were apparently digital bikini top-covered breasts, nor did I find any of the violence (which ranges from grenade explosions to electrocution torture) lacking in the level of intensity required. 

This is knowingly dumb, high concept horror fluff that wants to have a good time and look good doing it. I was buying what it sold.

High Points

Many thought the big plot twist was stupid. I'm not saying they were wrong, but for me, it gave a fun boost to an already silly story and shuffled character dynamics around in a way that felt fresh

Low Points

Obviously, the fact that every other person who watched this movie hated it has SOME merit, and if Fantasy Island's goal was on a horror scale, then I can easily agree that there's nothing that comes close to being scary

Lessons Learned

According to dorks, LARPing is fun

Most fantasies are painfully unimaginative and involve lots of sex stuff

A hero's a guy who's too stupid to stay alive

Rent/Bury/Buy

I often find myself the lone defender of PG13 horror, so if I've sold you on these before and you found yourself disappointed, I can't say for certain this will be different. I found this an incredibly entertaining summer watch. The 8% positive rating on Rotten Tomatoes suggests MOST wouldn't agree. Make of that what you will! I've never claimed to have good taste. 

A Lonely Island

 

Even when they're not very good, I will always give a chance to a deserted island set genre film. 

Quick Plot: Jenn, a young and resourceful American, washes up on a deserted island alongside her dying pal Brad. Much like Lost, her new home seems to be lush in coconuts, easily catchable fish, and unidentifiable monsters with a taste for human flesh.

The monster seems to be some sort of giant nocturnal amphibian. It hunts at night and drags its prey back to the water, where a mysterious black hole on the ocean floor awaits its feast.

Jenn is quick to understand the creature's patterns and seems on the right path to hunting it down when she spots a life raft filled with none other than her boyfriend Lucas and pal Mia. The pair have been floating for several days and are eager to enjoy the spoils of what seems like a tropical paradise, with little patience for Jenn's crazy rambling about a sea monster.

Directed by J.D. Dillard, Sweetheart is a beautifully restrained, extremely well-told little tale that seems to have an incredibly disciplined understanding of what it can and should do. It clocks in under 90 minutes and moves quickly, wasting no time on flashbacks or forced exposition

In fact, for a good 2/3rds of its running time Sweetheart doesn't even have any dialog. Why would it, if Jenn is all alone and not (like some people with horror blogs) the kind of person who has arguments with herself. Lead actress Kiersey Clemons is more than up to the task.

The lack of conversation makes the ones we have all the more interesting. Lucas is clearly not the hero here, both in terms of his disappointing survival skills and worse, the fact that he clearly treats his girlfriend like an unwanted child. There's a reason this film is titled Sweetheart, and it all seems to click when you hear Lucas use the term.

Jenn is clearly not as financially well-off as her partner or his friends, the kind of white people who can, you know, take boat trips without a thought for what would happen if a storm blew them off course. Dillard and cowriters Alex Hyner and Alex Theurer's script doesn't overexplain a note, nor does it force confrontation where you simply wouldn't have it. Questions go unanswered because you know what? If the sun was setting in an hour, I might not take the time to ask my asshole boyfriend if he murdered his boat captain pal.

My point is, Sweetheart makes some excellent, smart decisions at every step. This is good stuff.

High Points
Teasing a monster is never easy, since once you show it, you might lose the tension you've been working so hard to weave. Sweetheart handles this well, dropping plenty of hints as to what it's capable of but not pushing the final reveal past what would physically be possible.

Low Points
I appreciate a film putting me in the visual point of view of its characters, but sometimes, you just want to, you know, SEE things

Lessons Learned
Pack every suitcase as if it might be the only source of your necessities. You just never know

Rent/Bury/Buy
Sweetheart is streaming on Netflix, and it's easily one of Blumhouse's better non-theatrical productions. I thoroughly enjoyed it every sandy step.

All I Want For Christmas Is An End to the Patriarchy

Bob Clark's Black Christmas is a true genre classic, a film that I love more deeply every time I watch it. From the glory of buzzed Margot Kidder taking no crap to Olivia Hussey unapologetically planning an abortion, it's filled with wonderful women and some darn effective horror storytelling. 

It was remade as a fairly of-its-time hard-R in 2008, much to the outrage of the horror community and whaddya know! Nine years later, history repeated itself, only this time, there was an added political punch. Not only was this version made BY women, but it also had the nerve to empower them in a battle against the patriarchy.

Internet boys were mad.

Quick Plot: Welcome to Hawthorne College, a private 200 year old university with a problematic namesake and a very attractive student body.  We start just before the winter break, when sorority girl Lindsay is stabbed to death by a mysterious masked man wielding an icicle. 

The next day, Riley and her sisters begin receiving ominous text messages that seem like a bad prank. No one is surprised, since Riley had previously riled a fraternity's featthers when she accused its president of rape. Her sisters stood by her, while campus security brushed it under the rug. With the encouragement of her activist pal Kris, Riley decides to serve up some sweet vengeance by publicly calling out the college's rape culture via a Mean Girls-ish flirty Christmas number at the greek talent show.

Naturally, the boys don't take it very well, but are they angry enough to embark upon a winter break massacre? 

It's hard to go too deep into Black Christmas without giving away key plot points, so spoilers will follow. If you haven't seen the film, pause here and do so. Yes, I'm in the camp of celebrating this movie, both for its politics and execution. Say what you want: I liked it.

So obviously, yes, yes these spoiled rich white boys are murdering women who scare them because much like the Reptile Boy episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, their secret cult is founded on male toxicity. The metaphor isn't subtle, but hey...it's horror. 

Black Christmas marked the first time Blumhouse produced a female-directed horror film, something so ridiculous to have to write in 2020. Cowriters Sophia Takal (also directing) and April Wolfe clearly approached the material with ambitious goals about calling out the patriarchy and empowering women, and you know what? YES PLEASE.

Look, I know there are A LOT of horror fans, both male and female (but let's face it: mostly male) who despised 2019's Black Christmas. Most of them also hated the 2008 remake when it came out, even though they have no memory of that and will gleefully tell you how much better that version is than Takal's. 

Does Black Christmas have an agenda? Of course it does. The fact that our protagonists' most important weapon is often a set of car kids should tell you a lot, and if you don't understand, then aren't you lucky.

I loved watching this movie. I enjoyed its twists, cared deeply for its protagonists, and found myself generally both excited and involved. Its staging won't give me nightmares, but its Stepford Wives-ish undertones certainly will. 

Give me more movies like this. 

High Points

Imogen Poots brings such a strong, deep well to Riley, managing to project so much carefully buried trauma. The scene where she tries to ask the head of campus security for help while having to SMILE through battling off his accusations is something truly remarkable, and one that almost any woman watching is going to feel as a gut punch for every time she's had to make her point while keeping her rightful anger under the surface

Low Points

I have no issue with PG-13 horror (and in more recent years, have come to fully embrace it when done well) but I'll concede that some of the violence feels muted or cut in a way that does detract from its effectiveness

Lessons Learned

The only way to lose a Diva Cup is with abandon

Every holiday is for looking sexy

Topple all the statues

Rent/Bury/Buy

Is Black Christmas a great horror movie? No. Is it a clever, entertaining, and fresh take on the genre filled with good satire from the kind of voice we need more of? Absolutely. 

Pretty Little Truth Tellers

As said before, the Doll's House will always be a safe space for Pretty Little Liar alumni. There have been highs, there have been mediums, and as somewhat expected based on its reception, we now have a low.

But of course, me being me, not THAT low in comparison to the average person with taste.

Quick Plot: Olivia (Lucy Hale) is all set to spend her last spring break doing good with Habitat For Humanity, but her BFF Marky convinces/forces her to ditch that plan and head to Mexico for beaches and beer. Also in tow is Marky's boyfriend (and Olivia's obvious crush) Lucas, med student/drug dealer Tyson and his dependent girlfriend Penelope, and closeted (to his family) Brad. Wacky Instagram stories involving very attractive people ensue. 

On their final night out, Olivia is charmed by Carter, a handsome stranger who saves her from some mild sexual harassment from college pal Ronnie. Last call shuts their bar down but Carter suggests Olivia and her pals keep the fun going at an abandoned mission he found. Because they're young, drunk, and as dumb as they are pretty, the gang agrees.

Cue the titular party game. It only takes one round of truth for Carter to confess his intentions: he saw Olivia as a lonely pushover who would be easy to lure to this place. Once there, Carter pulled them into the game he and his own (mostly dead) pals began. Follow the rules and you won't die. Okay bye!

It's not until the group returns home and begins to resume their regular lives that they realize that Carter wasn't kidding. Olivia's turn of truth leads to a friendship-breaking reveal, while Ronnie's refusal of his dare ends with his death. The game is afoot, and while you can survive by completing your task, there's a lot on the line with every round.

If this sounds familiar, it might be because I covered ANOTHER film titled Truth or Dare about a group of attractive college students who begin to play a haunted game of, you know, truth or dare. The deep bonds of friendship between the film's central females are tested due to a love triangle. The token "hot couple always having sex who can't function apart" dies early, and the last few have to travel to the home of a shut-in female who survived a previous version of the game at the cost of her friends and face. 

Apparently, there's only one way to tell a horror story about this subject.

Directed by Cry Wolf's Jeff Wadlow and written by far too many screenwriters, Truth or Dare could be both a lot better and a lot worse. The film was savaged by critics when it came out in theaters, but as a two-years-later Hulu watch, it's exactly the kind of hot-people-in-peril horror flick that I tend to enjoy. In many ways, it really is indistinguishable from the same-titled movie that went straight to streaming the year before, and I could probably just remove one or two details from that review and come up with the same basic writeup.

There's nothing too groundbreaking here, though the film does pull a neat little twist with its ending. More importantly, Truth or Dare does make a point of doing what it can with its fairly bland cast, trying its best to have their tragedies carry some weight. It doesn't always work, but I can appreciate the effort.

High Points

Lucy Hale's Aria was my least favorite Liar, so I was fairly surprised to see her Olivia end up being the best part of (Blumhouse's) Truth or Dare. The film establishes a very clear do-gooder heart that guides her character, making her final choice a neat surprise

Low Points

I knew that Truth or Dare was jokingly subtitled "The SnapChat Filter Flick", but I don't know that I was properly prepared for just how overused the CGI smile and red eyes would be

Lessons Learned

When a stranger tells you to tell him to piss off, listen

Everyone loves Beyonce

The great thing about modern coeds is how much they talk in detail about their lives and motivations, ensuring new film audiences just stopping by for a peak understand every key part of who they are and what they fear

Rent/Bury/Buy

Look, Truth or Dare isn't a particularly good movie--and I honestly can't tell you whether it's the best truth or dare movie to come out in the last three years--but it's not nearly as bad as you've probably heard. There are less entertaining ways to kill 90 minutes of your free time. I dare you to try it.