Go Tell It On a Mountain

One of my favorite background viewing options is I Shouldn't Be Alive, a docu-series that interviews survivors of near-death experiences as reenactments walk us through their insane battles with the elements. There's an element of wonder at what the human body can do when tested, as well as the occasional satisfaction at the comeuppance earned by brash young people underestimating the natural world. On that note, whenever an episode involves rock climbing, I tend to make a double serving of popcorn. Of COURSE you're going to have near-death experiences when your tiny human hands are carrying the rest of your body over even tinier grooves!

Hence, I tend to dig the survivalist horror genre, particularly when it might involve craggy rocks. 

Quick Plot: Sophie brings sad pal Kelly to the Dolomites for an intensive hike, where their cabin neighbors turn out to be fellow Americans. Josh, the alpha of the male quartet, cheats on his fiancee and tosses around homophobic slurs like it's 1993. His friends are far from amused, but since Josh has been collecting potential blackmail material on them for 20 years, they grin and bear it. 

The group parties around a campfire, Sophie getting progressively drunker and higher and with that, flirtier to Josh. She also playfully jabs at his manhood (which goes as well as expected). Josh follows her to the woods and attempts an assault. His pals break it up, but the damage is done. Sophie now poses a threat, and that's all it takes for Josh to push her off a cliff and convince his friends to bash her head in with a rock.

The resourceful Kelly captures it on camera and manages to retrieve her half-packed gear bag before fleeing to the gorges. The men, who are less experienced climbers but better equipped, are hot on her blistered heels. 

Kelly turns inward to stay alive. One year earlier, she lost her fiance in a, dare I say, comical accident on that very hill. Luca taught her everything she knew about navigating those rocks, but as he went to reach for the engagement ring in a poorly timed proposal, he plummeted to his death. Think that Ace Ventura opening that parodied Cliffhanger. 

The guys share their own terrible memories. Some time earlier, they teamed up for a hate crime, like dudes apparently do. Today, their consciences sit at various stages of morality, though none as comically evil as Josh.

Played by the titular Christmas Prince Ben Lamb, Josh is a bit ridiculous as a villain, but thankfully, The Ledge seems to agree. His friends genuinely hate him. That doesn't make it fun for US to listen to his sexist, racist rants, but at least we can somewhat trust that the movie is also rolling its eyes. 

The Ledge is directed by The Dead's Howard J. Ford, who carved out his (and brother's) own unique genre niche with his pair of zombie films. Similarly, The Ledge shares a great eye for the natural environment. The actual mountain climb is efficiently intense, and lead Brittany Ashworth (the teen daughter from the woefully underseen Exhibit A) makes for a believably athletic final girl.

All of that shouldn't REALLY suggest that The Ledge is a good film. Between the uneven script and discomfort in some of the performances, it ust can't seem to find its own rhythm. The opening makes virtually all of the characters insufferable in how they talk to one another, and while I appreciate how the film seems to see these men for the worthlessly weak-to-blatantly-evil characters they are, the actual execution of their own inner drama just never clicks into place. 

And yet, at a certain point, I knew that I was enjoying The Ledge. It looks great, it moves fast, and by its brief 86th minute, I had mostly received what was advertised. 

High Points

Rock climbing is hard. Based on the two times I encountered one of those kid-walls in 5K with obstacles, I'd even say IMPOSSIBLE. By far, the best thing about The Ledge is that it gets close to the action. I have no idea how accurate the dynamics of Kelly's climb are to an experienced athlete, but Ford's camera makes it feel alive, hard, and terrifying

Low Points

As mentioned, the actual dynamic of these four men is so insufferable that it makes much of the film incredibly unpleasant

Lessons Learned

Telling a hot chick you just met that she shares a name with your mother is not the hot pickup line you hear in your head

Nothing heals a broken leg faster than guzzling a dozen painkillers at once and chasing them down with foamy whiskey

Climbing is best described as chess mixed with ballet

Rent/Bury/Buy

The Ledge has a LOT of problems, but if you're in the mood for a survivalist slasher set on a mountain, you probably can't do much better. Find it on Hulu if the mood strikes. 

Reunited And It Feels So Bad

If 42 years of watching genre movies has taught me anything, it's that nothing is more unpleasant than a mixed batch of attractive young people. 

Quick Plot: A few years removed from college, seven former besties reunite at a secluded cabin after they each get a mailed invitation teasing someone's big news. 

We've got:

Logan, a type-A Yale Law grad turned soulless (but stylish) defense attorney

Her ex-fiance Gil, a moody surgical intern

James, a dentist itching to put a baby inside-

Rowan, his wife, a perky fitness instructor with secrets on her cell phone

Roger, a stoner 

Andy, a less intense lady stoner

and Zach, a sad sack tentatively recovering from some recent trauma (fired, dumped, attempted suicide, having terrible but attractive friends)

The gang catches up quickly before instantly falling back into old habits of lust, envy, and five other things hinted at in the film's description. As the sun sets and tensions rise, they piece together what should be a pretty terrifying reveal: there is no news. None of the seven sent the letter, meaning someone else has gathered them in an isolated space with no cell service.

Most people would be a bit freaked out. Maybe, I don't know, get in their car and drive away immediately? This group will figure it out in the morning. 

The next day, Gil and James hit the road but are thwarted by a flat tire. As they exit the car to fix it, things randomly escalate into a screaming match. Gil reminds James that he knows how he cheated on Rowan with Andy on their wedding night (who has the TIME?!) and James promptly responds by breaking Gil's would-be surgeon's hand.

These people are AWESOME.

Back at the cabin, everyone continues to vie for the title of The Worst. A game of truth or dare goes as well as you'd expect. Bedmates are shuffled, accusations hurled, more punches thrown, and eventually, a few sexy bodies turn into bloody corpses. 

The Alpines was clearly made with limited time and resources by first-time director Dante Aubain and writer Mally Corrigan (who also stars as Logan). It's certainly an admirable effort, and in terms of story, is clearly trying to do something new in playing with a typical cabin-in-the-woods setup that's actually pure character drama. This movie sits in the horror section of Amazon Prime which isn't quite accurate, though you'd be hard-pressed to find any takers in drama. 

Because, I'm sorry, but The Alpines is pretty miserable. 

The cast shows some skill, but the actors are, unfortunately, stuck playing the most insufferable twentysomethings I've met in quite a while (AND I WATCH A LOT OF HORROR MOVIES). Unlikable characters aren't always a death knell for a story, but when said characters don't even like EACH OTHER, it's hard for the audience to justify why they have to spend 86 minutes with them.

To its credit, The Alpines KNOWS these people are flawed. They even dismiss any outside interference because no one else in college even LIKED them enough to become a stalker. THAT's actually funny.

But the rest of this movie is not. It's genuinely unpleasant. The final act is interesting, but the execution, excruciating. Each character gets meaner and dumber as the stakes get higher. Even after the climax, we're left with our jaws on the floor at the film's smartest character making an incredibly dumb decision. All this for a final beat that tries to twist things one more time only to not make sense. 

High Points

I'll spoil something here to give the movie some kind of justification for being (skip if you're planning on watching unappealing people scream at each other). When we get our reveal that Zach has orchestrated this circus, his reasoning is sad: the day he tried to kill himself, he called ALL SIX OF HIS BEST FRIENDS EVER and not one of them picked up or even thought to call him back. Again, in case it wasn't clear, THESE PEOPLE ARE TERRIBLE. But hey, if ANYONE in the audience of The Alpines watches this and realizes they should answer the phone when a sad loved one reaches out, maybe this did SOMETHING? 

Low Points

No, seriously: this is a movie about seven "best friends" who absolutely hate each other

Lessons Learned

Kids do Adderall all the time

If you don't want people to mock you for wearing a cape, just don't wear a cape around the kind of people you know will mock you for wearing a cape

In the minds of dentists, no one flosses enough

Rent/Bury/Buy

If you're grading on a sharp indie curve, The Alpines is competent. That doesn't make it satisfying or even enjoyable, though at least it has some ambition. You can find it on Amazon Prime. 

Definitely Not Square

I've had a fairly disappointing run with newer genre movies as of late. When in doubt, head to the 1970s!

Quick Plot: Two U.S. Coast Guard pilots are charged with taking their chopper over the feared "Satan's Triangle" region to investigate a floating yacht. The wonderfully named Pagnolini is, in the words of his winchman Haig, a bit of a square, the kind of stiff and responsible soldier who prefers church to bars. Haig, on the other hand, seems to spend the majority of his brainspace searching for single ladies. 

Where better to find one but in the middle of an ocean? The beautiful weather takes a sudden turn as Haig is lowered onto the boat. Pagnolini has to head back to refuel, leaving his less than reluctant pal to count the dead bodies and calm Eva, the sole survivor with wild tales to tell. 

It helps that Eva is played by Kim Novak in '70s bombshell glory. After she recovers from her understandable shock, Eva recounts the strange events of the day before. Her boyfriend (well, employer) was a wealthy man named Hal (Dallas's Jim Davis!) intent on catching a large fish with the assistance of his greedy assistant Strickland (the always welcome Ed Lauter). Their plans were thwarted when the captain spotted a priest floating in the ocean, rescuing the holy man who recounted his OWN tale of the day before mysteriously violent events. 

Satan's Triangle was made for television by industry veteran Sutton Roley, and the foggy visuals and timed breaks for commercials serve as a reminder of the format 50+ years later. But that aside, this was delightfully creepy. This very particular genre had a tight window to get its job. At just 75 minutes, William Read Woodfield's script gives us everything we need in just the right dose, while the experienced cast manages to make their characters pop even with brief screentime. 

Plus, it's just FUN. 

Plopped smack in the middle of the Me Decade, Satan's Triangle is a product of its time in the best of ways. Its hero is a jowly letch, its heroine, a thoughtful sex worker. But somewhere between cackling millionaires and dummy death drops, Roley tells a genuinely eerie ghost story. It's a delight.

High Points

By GOLLY does this have a satisfying ending, particularly if you read it as a gloriously ahead-of-its-time condemnation of mansplaining

Low Points

No fault of the film itself, but if the Amazon Prime cut is the best we can do, understand that you might be straining your eyes to make out some things. Made-for-TV was never really designed for the big screen (or even a mobile device in 2024)

Lessons Learned

Believing in god means believing in the devil (but not necessarily the Easter Bunny)

The lord loves prostitutes 

The devil may do a lot of bad things, but he also supports waterproof eyeliner

Rent/Bury/Buy

Maybe I've just been watching too many underwhelming newer releases as of late, but I had a magnificent time with Satan's Triangle. The '70s charm works magic, but its the surprising craftsmanship across the board that makes this an effectively unsettling yard. Give it a go on Prime when the mood strikes. 

Le Shark

Society is held together (tentatively) by agreed-upon traditions directed by shared rules. When we break such contracts, we risk true chaos. 

All I'm really saying is that when summer hits, it's time to watch a shark movie.

Quick Plot: Jaelyn and her husband Kyle are unwinding on a scenic vacation in Vietnam. They need the break. A few months earlier, tragedy struck when their daughter was born without a heartbeat in a home labor.

Jaelyn's main coping method comes via support on social media, something Kyle avoids at all costs. With minimal cell service in their far away paradise, Jaelyn doesn't have much opportunity to connect with anyone. The charm of history and delicious fruits is starting to wane as the couple settles in for the night in their high-priced floating villa during a tropical storm, only to wake up with their shelter now floating in the middle of the water. 

And as you might guess, phones don't work well in the middle of Vietnamese waters. You know what does? Sharks!

FRENCH sharks.

Let's take a moment to address the stupidity of the title of this movie. I confess, I had no idea what a requin was. I assumed it was a fancy vocabulary word that never came up in SAT prep. So I used my handy full-service internet not in the middle of Vietnamese waters to check. And boy was I mad.

Shark. In French.

I'm sorry, THE (English) SHARK (French). 

My brain hurts and I blame whoever titled this movie. 

I can put that aside to evaluate the actual product, which is...fine. As I've said before, most shark films have severe limitations. Jaws: The Revenge aside, most sharks don't come with traumatic childhoods. They didn't drown while their teenage protectors were having sex, and they generally don't enjoy bowls of chilli while wearing their victims' faces. They move, they hunt, they move again. Virtually every shark tale (maybe even Shark Tale?) has no choice but to feature multiple scenes where puny human stick legs frantically try to swim, music crescendoing, just in time to bump into a raised surface they can climb as the mighty jaws snap just out of reach.

Obviously, that happens in The Requin. It ALWAYS happens in a shark movie, even one that's half French by way of Vietnam by way of Universal Studios, Florida. Writer/director Le-Van Kiet creates some tension with the shipwreck, but the shark action itself never feels that fresh (and that's before the Megalodon 3-esque money shot in the final act). Jaelyn's arc in overcoming her own trauma is more interesting, but I just don't think The Requin ever had the potential to balance a very human story about recovering from a stillbirth with the excitement of CGI shark attacks in a way that truly clicked. Instead, we get some of both, which is perfectly fine for a lazy summer warmup. 

High Points

There's been a refreshing reconsideration of Alicia Silverstone's career recently (at least in the movie circles I find myself in) and The Requin is a nice reminder of how she is, and has always been a star. 

Low Points

One can guess pretty quickly that both members of this marriage are not making it out alive. The problem with Le Shark's execution of this is that it telegraphs Kyle for death so early, then proceeds to give us MULTIPLE teases that by the time he closes his eyes for good, it's a bit hard to care

Lessons Learned

Construction makes you a maniac

IMDB found this point notable, so how can I not:

(and yes, as mentioned earlier, this was filmed in Florida)

Rent/Bury/Buy

Eh. The Requin is probably right in the middle of the pack of upper lower budget shark attack movies. If you're a big Silverstone fan or a shark completist, there's plenty here. But if either of those things don't charm you, it's likely a pass. 

Can't Argue With The Title

It will likely not surprise you to hear that I found a low budget internet horror movie on Amazon, that it looked terrible, was under 80 minutes, and therefore, I dove in. 

I'm a predictable person.

Quick Plot: Zane settles in for a quiet night in his off-campus apartment, laptop on, tissue box in easy reach and his favorite website fully paid for: Beat a Slut.Net. 

Sigh.

His roommate seems a little better adjusted. Josh says goodnight to his girlfriend and comes home to discover Zane's computer on but no sign of Zane. He catches a glimpse of Zane's last web visit and is instantly transported to a Hostel-ish cell. A silent, scarred man appears, controlling Josh's motions as he's forced to torture his very own roommate. 

Josh wakes up in his own apartment, dismissing the moment as a bad dream but lured back to Zane's computer to watch a woman beaten and strangled for clicks. Back he goes to the bloody room, where the violence towards Zane escalates under the mournful eyes of the same woman who just lost her life on Zane's screen. 

Flashbacks throughout lend a little more insight into Zane and Josh's friendship. Pals since summer camp, they headed to college with big ambitions of not repeating their high school misery. Josh found a way: hosting obnoxious parties with live bands and copious amounts of molly. The more socially awkward Zane couldn't find his footing, preferring the company of snuff film and death metal. Josh knew Zane had questionable taste in porn, and his failure to confront the whole moral quandary of it all has now led to his own eternal punishment. 

Don't Click began as a short film by writer/director G-Hey Kim and it clearly needed a few more script revisions before its full-length (well, 76 minute) extension. The pacing between Zane's torture and his shallow backstory is awkward in a way that doesn't build any real tension. The idea of a closed door incel getting his comeuppance is fine, but there's simply not enough development of Zane to make us feel ANYTHING when he's being brutally tortured by the body of his best friend.

On the other hand, Josh (played by Valter Skarsgård, and yes, there's yet another Skarsgård) comes across a bit more solid, but no less ill-defined. The movie is either harshly judging a young adult for not harshly judging his friend's taste in porn (rude), or doing a very poor job of suggesting Josh knew these women were really being murdered on camera. 

Where does that leave us? With a poorly told story, or worse, an incredibly muddy condemnation of pornography. In 2024. 

Yes, I will think very differently of a person if I discover their website of choice is called BeatMySlut.net. But also, porn exists to let people partake in fantasies that they often WOULD NOT in real life. Punishing someone for what they do for themselves without actually involving others is pretty puritanical. 

Sure, in the case of Don't Click, it's clear (because this is a horror movie that involves vengeful router ghosts) that this website is a real hunting ground. And this vengeful router ghost is fully in her right to sew a participant's mouth shut and make his best friend chop off his masturbating hand. I'm all for that in theory! But Don't Click is so muddled in its morality that I feel weird rooting for, well, ANYTHING here. If you can't make me want to watch an incel get tortured, maybe you're doing something wrong with your storytelling. 

High Points

I'm a simple woman, and the supernatural explanation of "a murder victim's blood running down a WiFi modem creates a website ghost" made me unreasonably happy in the dumbest of ways 

Low Points

I obviously had a lot of problems with Don't Click, but if I had to boil it down to one, I'd say it's the extreme fuzziness of its own morality. Not every horror film needs a code, but when you're so zealous about both SHOWING torture and judging those watching the torture, it just feels like a lot of anger with no direction

Lessons Learned

Sorry to disappoint, but most college freshmen are not going to be impressed by your original Man Bites Dog poster

Always have a non-verbal code with your bestie

A thick side bang will not protect you from blood modem ghosts

Rent/Bury/Buy

I don't know what anyone will get out of Don't Click. It's certainly better made than some of the more recent low budget duds I've watched of late, but it's hard to find anything here that adds up to a recommendation. As is often the case, if you choose to ignore my advice on not watching a low budget torture porn-inspired horror movie, you'll find it streaming on Amazon Prime.