Monkey Trouble

Welcome to The Shortening! For February, we adjust the height on our camera to focus on movies featuring vertically challenged villains. If you have your own blog or podcast and plan to do the same, be sure to leave a note in the comment with your links!

Final Destination, but with a monkey-topped organ grinder in the Death role? Sign me up!

Quick Plot: Hal is having a hard time being twelve. His father Petey disappeared long ago, leaving his pessimistic mother Lois alone to raise Hal and his cruel twin brother Bill. 

Dad's career as a pilot left the family with a bundle of foreign objects and thingamajigs. While rummaging through his supply, the boys discover an organ grinder featuring a maniacally smiling monkey. They think little of it after turning its key, but later that night, their beloved babysitter dies in a freak accident at a hibachi restaurant. 

Hal quickly connects the dots. After one more round of brutal bullying, he snaps and decides to wind up his monkey again in the hopes that it will claim Bill. Unfortunately, he learns too late that the monkey's targets are out of his hands. Instead of his brother, it's his beloved mother who drops dead.

After a few more rounds of odd deaths, Hal and Bill drop the cursed object in a deep well and move on with their rather unhappy lives. 25 years down the road, Hal works a menial job and has a strained relationship with his teen son Petey, so much so that his ex-wife is starting the process of transferring parentage to her new husband (the delightful but underused Elijah Wood). 

Their plans change when Hal discovers his aunt has died in a bizarre but somewhat familiar freak accident. Bill is convinced the monkey has returned, so Hal heads back to his small Maine hometown to investigate. 

From there, a lot of people die.

In increasingly amusing ways.

I've seen most of Osgood Perkins' filmography (the exception being I Am the Pretty Thing That Lives In the House and the new Keeper) and every time, I've found myself wanting to like them so much more than I could. The Blackcoat's Daughter is beautifully filmed but narratively empty, while Gretal & Hansel never came together for me. I'm in the minority on thinking Longlegs was just dumb, and not in a campy intentional way. My working theory is that Perkins is a much better director than he is writer. 

With all that in mind, I went into The Monkey without too much hope. 

For the second time in a row, it was a joy to be proven wrong.

The Monkey is FUN. It's mean but not cruel, and tonally so clear on what kind of story it's telling and how it must be told. This is a black comedy that establishes itself from the very opening scene and constantly reminds us by having virtually every character that isn't Hal (and even to an extent, Hal) be such an inappropriate weirdo that you wonder if Nicolas Cage's Longlegs villain didn't come from this same town. 

High Points

I really do mean it when I say the tone of The Monkey is consistently bananas in the best way. It starts with a bonkers opening scene with Adam Scott, but really solidifies itself during the most inappropriate eulogy you can imagine at the film's first funeral

Low Points

Playing twins should be an actor's dream, but Theo James never really seems to seize the moment

Lessons Learned

The best way to teach your kids about death is to pair the conversation with ice cream cones

The most surefire way to bond with an adolescent boy is via the art of dance

Nothing cramps your swinger lifestyle faster than guardianship of teen twins

Rent/Bury/Buy

I was genuinely surprised by how much I enjoyed The Monkey. It knows exactly what it wants to be, and achieves it with a wildly high level of camp. Find it on Hulu when you need a nasty laugh.

Special Delivery (it's us)

Sometimes all a genre movie needs is an interesting setting to be worth a watch. An antichrist baby in Estonia? Sign me up. 

Quick Plot: We open with a moody prayer circle that ends in throat slitting. The pile of dead Russians then gets an odd form of last rights in having their back tattoos skinned off and preserved.

Nearby, a hunky American priest appropriately named Father Fox is getting ready to leave the church to marry his pregnant girlfriend Laura. A cardinal convinces him to take on One Last Job: visiting nun Yulia, who claims to be carrying one savior and one antichrist in her own pregnant belly.

As things in St. Petersburg go south, Father Fox, Yulia, and handy Cardinal Russo escape to Estonia, where Laura's family money has kept a conveniently remote end-of-the-world cabin fully stocked with the basics for a few years of survival. Yulia's twins are doing surprisingly well. They can even hypnotize people. 

Father Fox struggles with dreams that push him towards Yulia, something Russo's own texts seem to predict. Meanwhile, the townspeople are growing antsy, a plague is raging through the land, and a one-eyed Thomas Kretschmann is hot on the trail to kill some babies. 

Deliver Us is co-directed by Lee Roy Kunz (who also plays Father Fox) and Cru Ennis, and co-written by Kunz and brother Kane Kunz. 

To be clear, there is a lot of Kunz in this movie. 

It's...fine. Deliver Us has a few strong assets: the Estonian backdrop adds automatic style, the cinematography has a clear point of view, and the cast is quite watchable. Where Deliver Us dies is its storytelling. The film opens with a bang (well, lots of cuts) and then seems to take an hour-long nap. It sets up several interesting character dynamics (especially around Jaune Kimmel's Laura) and then fizzles them out for what somehow feels like a rushed ending. 

Still, there's something different about the script's approach to its infant dynamics. And the movie pays off on Chekhov's Law of Bear Traps, so I'm probably going to forgive its trespasses and promptly forget most of the details shortly thereafter.

High Points

It's hard to describe the look of Deliver Us without making it sound bad, but there's a dramatically blue-hued coloring that almost makes the film feel black and white in a way that's actually quite striking

Low Points

What the film has in style it seems to lose in actual substance when it comes to character. Is THAT how a priest would react to SPOILER ALERT his pregnant girlfriend being shot?!

Lessons Learned

Nuns are naturally good shots

 

Russian conductors have soft spots for babies

When you get old, you prepare for the apocalypse

Rent/Bury/Buy

Eh. Deliver Us has some visual appeal and is slightly better composed than the kind of film you haven't heard of streaming on Hulu, but it's hard to feel much passion for the end product. If the subject appeals to you, give it a go. 

Let's Rock

 

In my old age, I've become quite the fan of a little publication known as Readers Digest. Somewhere in between its brain teasers and helpful tips about using coffee grounds, you'll find quite a batch of essays that read like starting outlines for I Shouldn't Be Alive! episodes.

It's logical that I'd also enjoy these kinds of stories on film, especially when they involve doomed underwater disasters and pretty ocean cinematography.

Quick Plot: Sisters May and Drew have an annual tradition of scuba diving, but this year might be the last. When gliding through a scenic cave, a rock collapse above them sends big stones upon their heads. 

Less experienced Drew frantically searches for big sis May only to find her trapped under some broken, impossible to move sea debris. May is pretty level-headed...at first. Being underwater with limited oxygen and a ticking deathclock will eventually make that impossible (physically, since, you know, oxygen).

Drew is able to reach the surface, but their remote location means there's not a single living soul around to help. Back in she goes with a fresh tank, but this can't go on forever.

There's a bit of a lather-rinse-repeat rhythm to Maximillian Erlenwein's The Dive. Drew reaches May and they plan, Drew surfaces to try something, it fails, and she dives back in as May's fate darkens. 91 minutes is a short runtime for most films, but somehow The Dive still drags a bit.

Still, it's mostly efficient. The change of scenery out of and under water helps to keep the visuals moving, something the slightly similarly themed 47 Meters Down couldn't really overcome. The underwater cinematography is clear and crisp, and the actors are able to convey plenty of storytelling under scuba helmets.

High Points

Characters hallucinating on film is harder than it seems, but Erlenwein manages to make the tricks May's brain plays on her effective at breaking down her psyche

Low Points

For a film that could have used some more stuff to help expand its storytelling, it feels like the sisters' family backstory could have easily been given more development

Lessons Learned

Always bring a reel to an overhead environment

It's harder to break into a trunk than you'd think

Scuba diving involves far too much time math

Rent/Bury/Buy

Overall, The Dive is a good Sunday afternoon time killer. It looks good, moves fairly quickly, and delivers a decent amount of tension for 90 minutes. Find it on Hulu if the mood strikes. 

Northern Exposure

Good gosh do I love a period film set in the freezing waters of absolute doom. We get so few. We need so many more. 

Quick Plot: Welcome to the 19th century Arctic, an easy-living destination filled with fresh fish and jolly drunken cheer.

Oh, how I kid.

Life is miserable. Young widow Eva manages a sad fishing outpost once run by her late husband Magnus. Eva and her crew pass the time with ale and ghost stories told with panache by the superstitious cook Helga, but it's a rough routine. 

One fateful afternoon, helmsman Ragnar spots a sinking vessel stuck in The Teeth, the same treacherous rocks that claimed Magnus some years earlier. With their own resources so limited, Ragnar refuses to lead a rescue despite good-hearted sailor Daniel's plea to do the right thing. Eva reluctantly agrees with Ragnar's decision, but when some delicious salted pork from the doomed ship rolls onto their land, the group decides to investigate. 

It doesn't go well. Though they find a few barrels of lamp oil, they also discover some rightfully frantic survivors trying to hitch a ride onboard. Ragnar tries to fight them off but ends up pulled into the water. Daniel hammers one in the face to save Eva. It's ugly and no one feels very good about their choices...especially when the bodies wash up on shore the next day and strange signs point to a haunting. 

Hungry, cold, and terrified, the team quickly descends into chaos. But are they being hunted by a wronged draugr, or their own madness?

The Damned is a rich slice of period horror that falls short of greatness in part because, well, it's simply too short. At just 90 minutes, the film moves fairly quickly, even if it also has the feeling of a slow-burning ghost story. The problem is that its big finale culminates in a twist that should hit hard before the screen fades to a silent black. Instead, it had me scratching my head. 

I won't spoil The Damned's ending, as I do still recommend this as a worthy atmospheric watch. But the fact that I sat through the end credits tossing things over in my head, then pounced on internet threads to see if there was a consensus is telling. And that most Google searches that start "the damned movie" include "ending explained" and descend into arguments isn't something to be ignored. 

Director Thordur Palsson clearly has talent. Even in its warranted literal darkness, The Damned looks and feels like a much grander period film than its fairly low budget would normally suggest. There’s not a bad performance in the bunch. Tension is built effectively. And yet, when all of these things are put together and add up to a truly confusing end note, it’s hard to give the film a full pass. 

High Points

Come on, it's a sleek horror film set in the 19th century arctic! What's not to enjoy?

Low Points

It's often the nature of snow-set ensembles that characters in heavy layers and tightly wound scarves are hard to differentiate. This is in full swing in The Damned, where we're stuck with a whole crew of frost-faced white men who blend together so quickly that I never really had a footing of anyone’s individual identity, making it difficult to even do a head count as the terror grew

Lessons Learned

Ocean-bloated corpses make cozy hideaways for eels

Always listen to the cook

A stopped watch is haunted at least twice a day

Rent/Bury/Buy

I’m very glad I watched The Damned. It was a great moody way to spend a late Sunday afternoon in the dark, and the fact that its first 89 minutes was so strong makes me almost forgive it ending so poorly. If you’re the kind of forgiving genre fan who can look past an unresolved (and I don’t mean ambiguous: I mean genuinely undecided) ending, this is well worth your eyes. 

She Loves Jesus, And Her Boyfriend Too

 

There are some movies you watch and immediately know that in one year's time, you will be very hard-pressed to remember a single detail to describe it to a police officer. It's not a bad film or even a boring one. It just feels forgettable.

What were we talking about again?

Quick Plot: Sarah arrives at her parents' vow renewal to a grim discovery: her mother, clad in a wedding gown, stabbing her father before slitting her own throat. In a haze, Sarah finds herself in a bathtub with her wrists sliced up before one more wakeup to her adoring, controlling, clearly evil husband Nick.

The first problem is that Sarah has no memory of marrying this man, or, well, anything, save for the fact that she has a sister. According to Nick, said sister Julie is a monster who manipulated things to inherit most of the family, leaving Sarah only with the large house.

And a servant.

And a lot of very fancy dresses.

I don't know guys, I don't think this couple is poor.

Anyway, Nick is busy writing a book while Sarah floats through her estate, occasionally bristling against the housekeeper Rose and taking the mysterious pills Nick pushes. A dinner party with insufferable but well-dressed pals turns into something of a bacchanal before Sarah finally discovers the truth of her situation.

I won't spoil that here, as the reveal is kind of the only real point of interest The Free Fall has going. It certainly helps to add a clever reinterpretation of the film's events. It would have felt pretty fresh had I not recently caught another low budget little thriller on Tubi that did the same thing (again, so as not to spoil, I'll link to the title here if you're dreadfully curious).

Ultimately, I was left pretty underwhelmed. There's nothing specific that I can put my finger on as to what doesn't really work, but The Free Fall just feels a bit too small and sparse to ever find its high gear. 

High Points

For what I imagine was a very small budget, The Free Fall is a genuinely beautifully looking film. Considering the film's gothic horror mood, it's important, and goes a long way in bulking up the atmosphere

Low Points

When your film already has a big twist, tacking another one on at the end feels more annoying than neat

Lessons Learned

Nothing brings your hair to Pantene PRO-V level glory than being a kept woman

Don't you dare help a woman who doesn't need help

Never trust a maid who looks like Jane Badler. We all know what's under that pristine bone structure

Rent/Bury/Buy

I didn't find The Free Fall to have much to offer, but it looks pretty, and the twist might satisfy certain viewers. Find it on Hulu if you're in that kind of mood. 

Organs Ahoy

 

Water horror! What an underrated subgenre. Sure, running from an ax-wielding maniac in the woods may involve cutting up your arms on pointy branches, but the ocean has spiky coral and bitey piranhas and so much more. More water horror I say!

Quick Plot: Kaya is a sad young woman in the Florida Keys trying to keep her family together in the wake of her mother's death. Tessa, her best pal, convinces her to take a day off jet skiing to the Bahamas on a double date with Tessa's Julian and hot friend Xander.

All is fun in bathing suits until Julian takes a dumb risk on his vehicle and ends up adrift. Xander, now in full makeout mode with the finally loosened up Kaya, quickly runs him right over before flipping deep into the water himself. It really all can happen in an instant, eh?

Things are looking like a floating appetizer table for sharks, but luckily, they're spotted by a passing boat steered by Captain Rey. 

Not so lucky. Before you can say "is that a bottle of chloroform that you're pouring on a cloth right in front of me?", Kaya gets, can you believe it, chloroformed. We've got ourselves an organ ring!

With Xander barely breathing and Tessa conscious but dealing with severe injuries, it's on Kaya's swimming champ shoulders to call for help and evade Rey and his doctor partner Curtis (good old Dean Cameron). 

Written and directed by Phil Volken, Dead Sea seems to be channeling the PG13 summer energy of The Shallows. I'll never be mad at the kind of movie that lovingly watches beautiful people swim in blue waters filled with graceful turtles and colorful fish. It's one (of many) reasons that I love A Perfect Getaway so very much. 

Dead Sea is very far down from those aforementioned summer thrillers. That's not to say it's a wash. At just under 90 minutes, it wastes little time in telling a fairly tight tale of a rough 24 hours. Isabel Gravitt makes for a likable protagonist who's easy to root for. While the majority of our time is spent with two attractive young women in 2-piece swimsuits, it never feels like Volken's camera is leering at their bodies. That in itself is a respectable choice. Kaya is smart and resourceful, and her friendship with Tessa feels real and deep.

On the other hand, the actual pacing of the film's second half feels oddly stilted. What should be a taut cat-and-mouse chase on open waters somehow feels like a quick game of hide and seek with too easy a finish. Even the cut to our coda feels weirdly off, as if one more run in the editing booth would have smoothed things over. 

High Points

For all my shoulder shrugging over the end product, the first big twist of Dead Sea really does come out of nowhere in an exciting, shocking way that makes me want to see more of what Volken has up his directorial sleeve

Low Points

Any thriller set in a confined space should be deeply disciplined when it comes to establishing its geography and unfortunately, I never felt I knew my way around Rey's fairly small boat 

Lessons Learned

Pigs are pretty good swimmers

Nothing sterilizes your tools for organ removal more effectively than windy saltwater breezes

Oceans may be big, but you should still keep your eye on the water when jet skiing to avoid running over your best friend

Rent/Bury/Buy

Dead Sea is perfectly passable entertainment. It starts far better than it ends, but it has a solid foundation of a nice look and strong lead. I can't imagine ever revisiting it or even remembering much about it in a few years, but I didn't feel like I wasted my time. Make of that what you will! It's currently streaming on Hulu.