Scream For the Invasion of the Fishmen!

It's been quite some time since I sat down and watched a Sergio Martino horror flick. Perhaps part of the reason stamps from that film being Slave of the Cannibal God, a movie I despised. Still, the guy has a beloved reputation, went on to make the glorious Hands of Steel, and with Screamers streaming on Amazon Prime and nobody getting to the beach anytime soon, why not take a swim?

Quick Plot: In 1891, a small group attempts to recover a buried treasure on a remote island only to be devoured by a gaggle of Black Lagoon-ish fish creatures. Later (or rather, earlier, since the aforementioned prologue was added by producer Roger Corman two years after Sergio Martino finished his cut), a prison ship washes ashore, along with a few convicts and their strict doctor, Claude de Ross.

It takes the fishmen all of five minutes to cut the group down to just Claude and two criminals. The trio is reluctantly taken to the estate of Edmond Rackham, a monstrous aristocrat who is using genius scientist Dr. Marvin to control the aquatic population so they can eventually recover the treasures of Atlantis, buried deep below their island.

So, yeah. There's a lot going on in Screamers. We're also dealing with attempted rape from multiple directions for poor beautiful Barbara Bach and some squirmy racial politics involving the local islanders. 

THOSE THINGS aside, Screamers is otherwise pretty fun and certainly different. I don't usually expect my exploitation films to include subplots involving Atlantis and human evolution. There's also plenty of creative horrors to be found in the actual fishmen, and their webbed attacks are colorful and gross. 

How much of the final product should be attributed to Martino is apparently arguable, as Corman had that cut chopped up and freshened with additional footage shot by Miller Drake and possibly, a very young Joe Dante. Despite his recent past as a director unafraid of guts and gore, Martino apparently wanted his film to be more adventure and less Zombie (a clear influence). Oddly enough, it's the gooey gore that keeps things most interesting.

High Points

Fishmen! We just don't get enough fishmen in the world of horror!

Low Points

Unfortunately, there's so much front-loaded fishmen action (even if you disregard the non-Martino intro) that Screamers' center drags hard

Lessons Learned

Animals don't build traps

When roaming a deserted island, always be on the lookout for spear-floored pits

I have seen the future, and future is fishmen

Rent/Bury/Buy

Screamers is pretty messy (even by the standards of a '70s Italian horror picture) but it's also genuinely different from most genre fare. If you're looking for an Island of Dr. Moreau-ish tale, you're not going to find much more. Let your prison ship wash ashore on Amazon Prime and enjoy.

Nibble It, Just a Little Bit

In the realm of Jaws ripoffs, there exists one (actually two or four) that get a place right here at The Shortening. Perhaps we shouldn’t be surprised that the same man who brought us Gremlins and Small Soldiers started things off with a tale of tiny carnivorous fish with a controversially pronounced name. 

Quick Plot: A pair of skinny dipping teenagers sneaks into a seemingly abandoned military area with a conveniently empty pool, only to quickly be eaten by unseen critters that sound like miniature helicopters. Thankfully, a ditzy insurance investigator named Maggie comes to the small Texas town to investigate, wrangling a local bitter divorcee named Paul to help.

Despite Maggie being an idiot and Paul being a full-time drunk, the pair manage to track down that same mysterious government sector now hosting two nubile skeletons. In an attempt to flush out the water, Maggie unwittingly releases the source of that helicopter soundtrack onto the unsuspecting water lovers of southern USA.

On hand to explain all of this is Invasion of the Body Snatchers savior/UHF’s villain Kevin McCarthy playing a tortured scientist who shares some responsibility with genre queen Barbara Steele as the cause of this danger. See, back in the ‘70s, the U.S. government was experimenting with different ideas to win the Vietnam War, one of which being the badassedly named Operation Razor Tooth. As you might guess, badassedly named Operation Razor Tooth involves the cultivation of genetically mutated piranha that would devastate that region’s water system.

It didn’t work out.

Now loose on an unsuspecting swimming public, the hungry piranha are on a tear. If you are wondering what hungry genetically mutated piranha on a tear looks like, allow me to direct you to Babies ‘R Us, the nation’s leading retail chain specializing in infant goods. You know those elaborate nightlight contraptions with aquatic imagery that circles your sleeping toddler’s crib?

Yeah, that’s pretty much the main effect for Piranha. Add in several scenes that involve extras being sucked through their tubes and surrounded by red food coloring and you pretty much have yourself an enjoyable, if fairly uninspiring Jaws rip-off.

Produced by the godfather of B-movies Roger Corman, Piranha isn’t trying to win any Saturn Awards. What was obviously commissioned in the wake of Steven Spielberg’s juggernaut certainly does follow the same beats as all Jaws inspirees (expendable teenagers, reluctant hero, greedy town official putting lives in danger, frantically flailing young legs underwater), yet it’s mostly done with the kind of Dante wink that makes the rest of his work so special. 

Piranha, however much fun, is not a very good movie, primarily because it’s rather confused in finding its tone. Lead Bradford Dillman is working hard to create a layered and complicated hero, while his love interest Heather Menzies-Urich goes for daffy cute. The piranha effects are so silly that any actual horror is impossible, leading a few of the major attacks (say, on a group of kid campers) somewhat laughable, but not quite all the way. Thankfully, Dante has a secret weapon in his last act: all-star Dick Miller, basking in a Stetson and lending his signature wry charm.

In a way, Piranha is made of three films. There’s the earnest save-the-world antics of Paul and Maggie that are mostly played straight. A side story about summer camp that’s never quite as funny as it sometimes tries to be. Finally, there’s the slightly more self-aware part involving town and military politics. None every unite smoothly enough to make a good movie, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t some fun along the way.

High Points

Where Piranha works is best are those little corners where director Joe Dante’s humor shines through: our heroine playing a Jaws arcade game, a sunbather reading Moby Dick on the beach, and Dick Miller embracing his inner Texas capitalist

Low Points

Going along with the aforementioned hit-and-miss tone is the ending, which suddenly goes to oddly dark and ambiguous places that don’t necessarily fit in with where you’d expect the film to land 

Lessons Learned

If and only if you are scientist, it is pronounced 'piranya'

When waterskiing, it's probably a good idea to have some sort of emergency signal to your boat drivers that doesn't require you to use your arms

A note to phone operators of the ‘70s: if you don’t have a requested phone number, try looking it up in that big yellow thing called the phone book

Rent/Bury/Buy

I watched Piranha because it seemed like a blind spot that needed unblinding. Eh. I could probably have grown into AARP discounts without having seen it, but the film wasn’t a waste of time. Joe Dante’s style and skill eke through enough to keep things entertaining, even if it never elevates the material into anything much more than a funner-than-average you-know-what ripoff.

Shortening Cred: C’mon. They’re piranYa.

Wine, Worms, Witches, & Killer Boobs

Hey! Hey YOU! Did you know that in 2006 (or some time before), Ken The Devils Russell, Joe Gremlins Dante, Sean S. Friday the 13th Cunningham, Monte Silent Night Deadly Night III Hellman, and John I Did a Lot of Visual Effects on The Matrix Series Gaeta got together and made a horror anthology? A horror anthology that involves carnivorous breasts, Japanese monks, and dislocated French vintners? 

Thanks to blogger supremo Joe Blevins of Dead 2 Rights, I did. Is that a good thing? 

I’m not sure.

Story 1/Wraparound

Because Dick Miller pops up for a cameo, we instantly know that the framing device is directed by Joe Dante. The premise is simple: a lovably kooky old man leads a starlet and her boyfriend, architect and his wife, screenwriter and the scowl of John Saxon, and mildly Goth girl with an attitude on a tour of a Hollywood studio, stopping in a famed haunted house to lock the doors and force the tourists to tell scary stories about their lives. 

Story 1 is notable for being the only one that does not involve copious female nudity and /or women being sexually pleasured/assaulted by things they assume are male body parts, but are in fact supernatural entities that want to eat them in a non-sexy way.

Moving on.

The Girl With Golden Breasts

Before synopsizing, I need to get something off my chest (har har): why no ‘the?’

Normally, I’m all for cutting unnecessary words and articles in titles. But in this case, you have a perfectly cheesy joke of a title that is, I assume, clearly meant to call to mind The Man With the Golden Gun. So why lose the ‘the?’ “The Girl With Golden Breasts” misses the easy joke, and ultimately sounds messy. 

Now onto the story, which involves a wannabe Hollywood starlet getting experimental breast implants that naturally have fangs and drink blood.

That is that.

Did I mention Ken Russell directed this one? And appears in it in drag?

Indeed, that's that.

Jibaku

No, not Jigoku, a far superior Japanese horror film that helped to usher in a new style in genre cinema. This is about JiBAKU, and no, I have no idea what that means, mostly because it wasn't easy to stay awake for this one.

Directed by Sean S. Cunningham, one of Jason Voorhees' fairy godfathers, Jibaku follows the aforementioned husband and wife on a trip to Japan, where the Mrs. becomes intrigued by a handsome stranger who ends up being a suicidal monk, easily leading us to the film's winning line:

"I was sexually molested by a dead monk and dragged into Japanese Buddhist hell!"

I can't think of any response to that, other than, perhaps, "How was the weather there?"

Stanley's Girlfriend

In 1950s Hollywood, Stanley is a great director with a skanky girlfriend who seduces his screenwriter friend Leo. 

Leo grows up to become John Saxon. 

Skanky girlfriend might be a witch. 

Monte Hellman also made the third (and dullest) Silent Night Deadly Night movie. Stanley's Girlfriend is one fifth of a movie. 

Movies are composed of scenes. Scene It is a game involving trivia. 

Jeopardy! is my favorite game show. It involves a variety of trivia, usually being delivered by a snooty Canadian, sometimes derailed by a hideous invention called The Clue Crew who travel the world doing fun things like petting wild animals in the Galapagos Islands or touring German chocolate factories. 

One of them is named Sarah. 

She sort of resembles Hatchet Face from John Waters' Crybaby, which includes a lot of scenes that are far more enjoyable than anything that transpires in the 10 minutes or so of Stanley's Girlfriend.

Apologies for the derailment, but I would rather watch Alex Trebek stand in line at the DMV than Stanley's Girlfriend. I think that was the point I was getting at.

My Twin, The Worm

Perhaps it's one of the lesser known Twilight Zone: The Movie curses that calls for anthologies helmed by multiple directors to generally have the better segments made by lesser known names. Such is the case with visual effects designer (and first time director) John Gaeta's My Twin, The Worm, a messy but entertaining tale about French immigrants/extras from Les Miserables who come to the U.S. in the 1970s to make wine, wear provincial garb, and consume undercooked meat that leads to a parasite growing beside our narrator inside the womb. 

Surprisingly enough, growing up for 9 months next to a parasitic worm (but not in the lair of a white one) can do some damage on your psyche. Add in a mildly wicked stepmother--who, guess what? also gets a scene wherein she thinks she's being pleasured in bed by her husband but is actually being mangled by a parasitic worm--and you have what might be the most interesting story of the bunch. 

That's not saying a WHOLE lot, although overall, I found Trapped Ashes enjoyable in a 'huh?' kind of way. Written by Dennis Bartok, none of the stories are actually scary, but Russell's and Gaeta's segments are at least amusing and the other two, while rather bland, are still better made than what you generally find in the worst of horror anthologies made in the 21st century.

Make of that ringing endorsement what you will.

High Points

Between Dante's wraparound and Hellman's period-set tale, the affection for old Hollywood is a nice touch

Low Points

Aside from the fact that the whole project feels as though it was either filmed in a week or while cooking a big dinner and killing time as the ingredients hardened or baked, there is indeed a strange attitude towards the female sex that feels a tad exploitative. The fact that all four stories seem very concerned with a) showing female nudity (and male only in the animated form) and b) having turning points always happen while a woman is naked in bed feels seedy when not handled with any real sense of wink

Lessons Learned

Actresses don’t mind the spotlight

Marriage can be defined as wishing death upon each other

A Heather Graham type is cute and likable

Rent/Bury/Buy

Like Scary or Die, Trapped Ashes is a mixed bag anthology with some fun (Golden Breasts and Worm) and some clunk (Stanley's Zzzzzz, Jibaku). The mere fact that luminaries Dante and Russell are involved certainly makes it worth an Instant Watch gander, but then again, any film that involves a woman's breasts drinking blood through crazy straws attached to martini glasses generally does that on its own.

Cheers.

When You Wish Upon a Star (you die)

I was all ready to celebrate the 55th anniversary of Disneyland this past July 17th and then some hack named Guillermo del Toro came along to steal my thunder. Apparently, one of the best working genre directors is now planning on filming his own adaptation of everybody’s favorite G-rated ghost ride, The Haunted Mansion. So while millions of dollars get thrown towards a story that’s already been told (terribly), here are a few of my own suggestions for how to bring to life some of Disney’s other less cinematic attractions.

It’s a Small World

 In one of the first true bids for truly international peace, the UN organizes the world’s largest toy drive, requesting every nation to donate a collection of toys that best represents its people. It’s a beautiful idea...until the poor security guards manning the midnight deliveries unearths a devastating secret revealing each doll to be possessed by the spirit of wronged dead patriots (think Che Guevara, Oliver Cromwell, Davy Crocket, William Wallace et al) and the entire plan is a simple attempt to bring about universal chaos. It’s up to a nearly retired night watchman Hank (John Goodman) and his fresh-faced apprentice Timmy (Jay Baruchel or your own favorite skinny goodball du jour) to save the world, one verse at a time.

Dream Director: Having proved his worth with 1987’s Dolls, I can’t think of a worthier man than Stuart Gordon.

Tagline: Getting the song out of your head will be the least of your problems...especially when you no longer have a head.

The Enchanted Tiki Room

A snob-filled yacht gets thrown off course while sailing through the Pacific, washing up on an eden-like isle blossoming with tropical greenery. After a playful montage wherein the leads bask in the sun and squeeze out some mango juice, the brattiest of the well-tanned millionaires (we’ll say John Hannah) spots a rainbow-hued bird and in a misguided attempt to impress his friend’s wife/hopeful mistress (Madonna, attempting to redeem herself for Swept Away), he hurls a coconut shell at its beak and kills one of island’s enchanted creatures. Everyone laughs at the prospect of eating poultry with their banana leaves, but the fun stops when its brethren flies home to seek vengeance. This being a Disney movie, the villainous vultures (or toucans most likely) spout G-rated one-liners with the voices of such esteemed artists as Mel Gibson, Robin Williams, and Wanda Sykes, all while shredding the faces off of a few bad people eventually waiting to be weeded out for one to learn a valuable lesson.

Dream Director: Joe Dante, for his established record balancing the fine line between monster massacres and good old fashioned family fun.

Tagline: The early bird gets your soul.

The Hall of Presidents

Plain and simple: America needs more historical horror. We’re a country still stained by slavery, civil war, genocide of native population and corruption. Let’s start remembering with a simple tale about a school trip gone terribly, terribly wrong when a busload of unruly students awaken the spirits of every former head of state. They’re not necessarily interested in prosecuting the kids, but when a juvenile delinquent gets in between the slave-holding George Washington (Ian McKellan) and a suddenly reinvigorated Honest Abe (the guy that played Lincoln in Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure and a bunch of commercials featuring a talking squirrel), collateral damage is inevitable. Now, a detention-bound gang of teens must choose sides between Republicans and Democrats, abolitionists and Jim Crow supporters, Manifest Destiny and the Monroe Doctorine. Think epic one-on-one fight scenes by rickety slightly-past middle aged white men occasionally aided by young boys and girls choosing sides and political parties. 

Dream Director: Wouldn’t you love to see the screwball spirit of unleashed Sam Raimi slightly classed up by the prestige of American history?

Tagline: You won’t fall asleep in this history lesson.

Country Bear Jamboree

If Del Toro can rejuvenate something Eddie Murphy soiled, then surely there’s a filmmaker of note that can hone in on the true terror of animatronic carnivores wielding banjos. A story could be as simple as Goldilocks (a freshly paroled Lindsay Lohan dusting off her Disney princess crown with a hint of I Know Who Killed Me trashiness) stumbling upon what seems like a friendly family of musically gifted bears. We’ll throw a House of the Devil twist that reveals the bears’ talents to be harnessed over centuries of mating with unlucky humans subsequently sacrificed. It’s almost as scary as the 2002 film.

Dream Director: Since the normally go-to director of fantastical creatures of the night will be busy with 3D ghosts, let’s watch David Cronenberg delve back into his Broodish body horror with man-bears, man-bear spawn, and all the mishaps in between.

Tagline: Didn’t mother tell you not to play with bears?

The Mad Tea Party

Honestly, I don’t really know how one would make a film out of what I equate to 2 minutes of pure torture in a pastel purgatory, but this current climate for near-snuff Serbian Films certainly shows the audience is there. 

Director: Gaspar Noe. The man and his spinning camera may have been born for this chance.

Tagline: You should have ordered coffee.

Have a story for Space Mountain? A plot to resurrect Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride? Share your thoughts and keep your hands and feet inside the comment box at all times.