Don't Stop Stock Footaging

I’m going to let Netflix take care of this:

“Using a risky transplant operation, Dr. Hewlitt (Justine Bateman) restores the vision of newly blinded Aaron (Cory Monteith) by replacing his eyes with those of an injured wolf's. Now, Aaron can see in the dark, and his dangerous wolflike behavior only increases with time. Part wolf as well, museum curator Lydia (Tinsel Korey) decides to help Aaron, but Dr. Hewlitt's colleagues are convinced the man-wolf is dangerous and resolve to hunt him down.”

RIGHT?!

Quick Plot: In gloriously foggy stock footage, wolves hunt bison across a beautiful prairie.

I'm going to pause right now to say something of vital importance: I hope you really like watching stock footage of wolves. Because if you choose to watch Hybrid, you are essentially choosing to watch about 58 minutes worth of, you know, stock footage of wolves.

Still with me? You're brave. Brave, like a WOLF.

After what feels like 9 hours worth of wolves running freely as credits roll, we meet a biologist (played by the lesser Bateman Justine) explaining to two dozen local doctors that she's heading military experiments on transplanting animal body parts into humans. The "confidentially recruited" 24 local doctors are asked to help find possible participants for such an experiment but to be really quiet about it. Somehow, the fact that every single doctor from the nation of Canada knows about this "secret" and therefore it's no longer a "secret" is never acknowledged.

We'll forgive this, because while Dr. Not Jason Bateman is describing her work, we get the pleasure of seeing a chimpanzee with Siberian husky eyes. It's cute.

Moving on...

Finn Hudson--er, "Aaron" but it's oodles more fun to refer to every character Corey Monteith ever plays as "Finn Hudson" so we shall--works as an operator at some sort of plant. Or something. I thought he was a security guard who spends his work days playing video games, but I'm apparently just not as smart as this movie. Or maybe I’m just lost because for a good 8 minutes, there was no insertion of stock wolf footage. Now I’ve forgotten what movie I’m even watching.

Pull it together Emily! Be one with your spirit animal!

(sigh) That's better

A fire breaks out at the plant security video game land where Finn works. Ever the hero, Finn races through flames to save the idiot whose chainsmoking habits started the explosion in the first place. I guess that’s supposed to tell us that his character is  noble (like a WOLF), and we’ll have to accept it since it’s the only—and I really do mean only—thing we ever learn about Finn Aaron Hudson.

Meanwhile, over in the local Native AmeriCanadian reservation, teacher Lydia (although the Netflix description says museum curator, but who’s counting?) drives home to discover a dying—you guessed it--wolf. She promptly drives it to the vet, who even more promptly passes it on to the local military biological research facility (EVERY town has one of those) where the overenthusiastic doctor from the intro does some radical surgery. Before you can say Don’t Stop Believing, Finn Hudson wakes up with beady yellow wolf eyes.

Sometimes the universe is very generous. Sometimes the world seems to say, “Emily, I haven’t been nice to you lately and I want to make up for it with a gift. It’s nothing extravagant or expensive—heck, this being SyFy, it probably cost less than a trip to Super Cuts with a Groupon—but it’s just a little something that I think you’ll appreciate. Something to say, ‘don’t feel lost and alone. I care.’”

Oh Universe! You’re making me tear up here!

See, Corey Monteith doesn’t just get wolf eyes (and therefore, wolf night vision). He gets misaligned wolf eyes that seems to keep one pupil located south and the other pointing to the sky. He doesn’t just start having wolf feelings; he begins to FEEL what wolves FEEL, mostly in stock footage form. His appetite changes towards the rarer meat side, making him become, dare I say it, HUNGRY LIKE A WOLF (a song which, hey! was even covered on Glee).

Best of all, Aaron/Finn catches the newest symptom of 21^st century werewolfishness: an allergy to shirts.

Perhaps it’s the presence of Twilight franchise actress Tinsel Korey, but by the end of the 90 minute Hybrid, Corey Monteith gives Taylor Launtner a run for his residuals in the Who Wears a Shirt Less contest that every young male actor dreams of winning.

Except unlike the buff and brown Launtner, Monteith sports a farmer’s tan and runs like a kid who ducked out of gym class his whole life with falsified claims of asthma.

And run he does! Hilariously! And a lot. Almost as much as those stock footage wolf actors run, but in more of a gentle jog kind of manner. It’s fairly wonderful.

So to break down: Hybrid is essentially a hybrid film of four ingredients:

1-65% stock footage of wolves. Did I mention the stock footage of wolves?

2-25% long shots of Corey Monteith’s awkward 5K training

3-7% bland dialogue by Lydia about the importance of heritage and landzzzzzzzzzzz

2%-other stuff of little importance (although watching a nurse at the research lab discover adorable loose chimpanzees and react as if fleeing from Leatherface is kind of amusing)

4- 1% stock footage from the buffalo’s point of view

Of all this action, 80% is scored to what must have been public domain Native Ameri-Canadian tribal drum and flute music, with the remaining 20% playing out to a very conspicuous, very bad rap reggae something. There’s a love scene, which is about as sexy as flossing your teeth after eating a lot of broccoli. A bar brawl that makes me sad to see so much wasted beer. A last act introduction of villainous soldiers that just leaves you missing that comforting stock footage rather than, one hour and ten minutes into a 90 minute film, having to decipher one camouflage clad character from the next.

We have no real reason to ever care about Wolfboy, because we know absolutely nothing about him prior to his transplant. His romance with Lydia is as stiff as Finn’s scenes with Lea Michelle’s Rachel, only worse because we don’t even get the bonus of choreography. And of course, when all else fails, director Yelena Lanskaya simply cuts to the same reel of wolf film, all scored to the same generic tribal tunes. It’s terrible, and yet, it’s exactly what I wanted from a SyFy movie about wolf eyes.

High Notes

Well um, see, the thing is that…uh…wow! Look over there! I see WOLVES!

Low Notes

Aside from the fact that the film is just not good at any real point, the third act soldier hunt—which literally spends about 10 minutes with brand new characters we can’t tell apart—is just a painfully sluggish way to bring down an already sluggish film

Lessons Learned, Canada Style

So let’s say you’re a world class biologist conducting groundbreaking research for the Canadian military. Where might you go when an experiment goes wrong? Why, hop on that Interweb and hit up LycanthropyResources.Com of course! Modern science at its best

During the process of making love, it is customary that the man removes his shirt while the woman remains fully clothed at all times

In Canada, young men read magazines from back to front

When in need of content to pad out the running length of your film, there are two handy tricks one might try: 1) STOCK FOOTAGE OF WOLVES! and of course, the far less obvious 2) Have your lead character have a spiritual experience that is essentially a montage of the entire film that ran before it, complete with—wait for it—STOCK FOOTAGE OF WOLVES

Rent/Bury/Buy

Thankfully, Hybrid is streaming on Instant Watch and does not require any monetary effort to view. Bad movie fans will enjoy its awfulness, but be aware that this is bad in a ‘so dull it’s good’ way (which makes it more interesting than Basic Instinct 2, if that makes sense on your cinema scale). Considering this is part of SyFy’s “Maneater” series (the same brand that bred the similarly terrible yet on some random level amusing Blood Monkey), you should know whether it will bring you enjoyment or not. Basically, if you like wolves, this was made for you. If you want to see Corey Monteith stumble through dialogue with even more clumsiness than he does on Glee, this is for you. If you want to see a really awkward white dude run like a really awkward white dude, then by all means, queue up Hybrid. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you.

I Liked The Hunger Games. Wanna Fight About It?

According to the rules, there can only be one winner, but that doesn't mean we can't have multiple pieces of film and literature following sadistic reality television programs that pit civilian against civilian in hand-to-hand combat to the death. As The Hunger Games feasts its way through box office records, I'm noticing an irksome fanboy retaliation against a franchise-in-the-making, as if Suzanne Collins were Stephanie Meyers' pedicure buddy. I found Gary Ross's film to be thoroughly enjoyable and when placed in the larger context of its audience, extremely refreshing.

Stop looking at me like that! I saw The Running Man in the theaters when I was FIVE YEARS OLD! I was hyping Series 7: The Contenders before Jeff Probst hosted VH1’s Music Jeopardy. I have watched, read, written about, and invented games for my current ninth favorite film of all time, Battle Royale. In no way does The Hunger Games come close to nipping at its schoolgirl kneesocks.

But for those of you who don't know, I'm something of a cockeyed optimist when it comes to movies. I don't like hating things, and not just because I was raised to not use the word 'hate' at home (we replaced it with loath, which is actually stronger but sounds more elegant). I want to believe in the future of cinema, I want to know that there are original artists out there with brilliance in their path, and heck, even that the occasional unnecessary remake can be handled with cleverness, originality, and understanding. 

Wait, what does that have to do with The Hunger Games again?

Right, genre fanboy snobbery. It’s so negative.

Look folks, The Hunger Games ain’t Battle Royale. It’s a PG-13 rated (but harsh one at that) adaptation of a juggernaut young adult novel primarily aimed at females in the eighth grade. 

And you know what? I think that’s awesome. I think it’s positively spectacular that the most popular teen literature of the day is a dark ride into a terrifying, morbidly fascinating future featuring a powerful female lead. The movie isn’t without its flaws (hey Woody, hope you have enough minutes left on your bill to phone that performance in), but I can think of at least 7 reasons why I rather dug it:

  

1. Further evidence that one should never eff with Isabelle Fuhrman

Don’t you wonder how Jodelle Ferland feels about that OTHER brunette child actress-turned-teen who specializes in playing sociopaths...and playing them better. I dare anyone to pit the blander than rice cakes Case 39 against the trashtacular Orphan. Come now, that’s like betting on the wimpy curly haired kid over the brute from District 1! Or, I don’t know, Ferland’s supporting vampire in Twilight 3 to Fuhrman’s KNIFE THROWING BADASS Clove in The Hunger Games. 

And before you say it, yes, I was happy to see the young Ferland get some decent work in Cabin In the Woods. But it’s rare that I could watch a 15-year-old girl HURL KNIVES and believe it. You can be my cat’s laser pointer that I will never piss off Isabelle Fuhrman. 

2. Not the genetically manipulated bees!

True, The Hunger Games has nothing on Battle Royale’s machetes, axes, crossbows, uzis, or pocket knife deaths but you know what it DOES have? Killer bee thingies. That's groovy, right?

3. Slaughter in 17 seconds

Let me explain something to you: I find the idea of hand-to-hand combat-to-the-death incredibly disturbing. Part of it is my own lack of coordinative abilities, and the rest stems from the simple truth that stabbing or choking a person a person two inches from my own face is simply horrifying on the very most primal of levels. That in itself is probably why these kinds of desperation murder stories make me so uncomfortable. As those pedestal pods rise up for the arena’s opening ceremonies, the threat becomes real: these children are going to have to kill each other with whatever tools are at hand, most of which are muscles or knives. Sure, we don’t SEE much in the PG-13 rating, but implied horror is there, particularly when we get quick glances at scrawny 12-year-olds before never seeing them again...

Because Orphan has knifed them to death.

4. It will forever make Project Runway Innovation Challenges way more intense

Sure, Heidi Klum's fashion-obsessed, quip-forcing slaves have been forced to create beautiful clothing out of garbage, candy, and car parts, but even setting aside the recent all-star blacklight challenge, none of the Project Runway contestants have come close to putting live fire on their scrawny model cutlets. Now that Katniss and Peeta blazed that trail (hehe, pun!), how can future contestants with artificial names and distracting jewelry DARE to play it safe?

5. The Future 1% In Fluorescent

I’m not about to fumble through a political interpretation of the universe created by author Suzanne Collins. I’ll leave that to high school English teachers who should be excited to get their students’ hands on a decently written book that they’ll actually WANT to read. 

Collins and Ross’ universe isn’t the most imaginative place created in literature. It’s a 1984 inspired society that bares a reference to The Lottery, Survivor, The Long Walk, and plenty other sources. But hey: it’s well-crafted and relevant, no matter how simple it is. More importantly, it means we get fashion like this:

So quitcher complaining

6. Best. Facial Hair. Ever.

‘Nuff said

7. It’s not Twilight

What, was that a low blow? Please. Any parent who's been wondering why their daughter has taken to wearing a permanent flannel and fartface should consider the odds forever in their favor if said teen is now braiding her hair and taking up archery. As I've explained before and again, Twilight isn't just bad cinema: it's dangerous. In no way do I believe in the burning of books, but if a local brushfire just so happened to wander into Little, Brown and Company’s warehouse, the future of feminism might be grateful.

See, Katniss, as played exactly like Ree Dolly in the magnificent Winter's Bone by Jennifer Lawrence again, is an admirable heroine. She fights. She thinks. She takes care of herself and actually cares about others. Remember my favorite scene in Twilight 2, where Bella and Edward sauntered past a line of tourists about to be unknowingly devoured by Italian vampires? Bella looked mildlly concerned, but Edward's simple "Move on" had her seeing the sunlight while the audience caught a sample of screaming civilians. Yeah, that's someone to look up to.

One of the main reasons The Hunger Games has (forgive the pun) caught fire with a young audience is, I hope, because Katniss Everdeen is the kind of literary narrator young women want to be, like Nancy Drew, Scout Finch, Cathy Dollanger, Elphaba or a founding member of The Babysitter’s Club (with the exception of Mary Anne; grow a pair girl). In Collins' writing, Katniss is even funny and sarcastic, something that doesn't quite translate on film. I forgive that because, you know, girlfriend is fighting for her life from the likes of these people:

Look: The Hunger Games isn't perfect. It's not necessarily ground-breaking. And yes, it's now become as mainstream as Bella Swan moaning about not being understood. But just because something is popular does not mean that it's not good, or entertaining, or simply much smarter and scarier than legions of pessimists want you to believe. 


Now if you'll excuse me, I have this Pavlovian condition that requires I pop in my Running Man Blu Ray anytime the title comes up in conversation. I'll be back.

PukeFace, FartFace, & Abby Abs Do Boring Stuff: AKA, Twilight 3

Ah, love. Isn’t it a wonderful thing? Something worth living and dying for, right? People write poems and songs and sitcoms about it! You meet someone and brighten up every time that person enters a room or holds your hand. You smile just THINKING about him or her. Sure, you’re sad and occasionally achy when he or she is out of reach, but more than anything, that ache is powered by the thrill you know you’ll feel when you’re reunited. You LIKE being with this person that you have chosen, you treasure your time together because it’s the greatest feeling there is in this world.

My point in this post-Valentine’s Day linguistic cupcake is that love is a wonderful thing--nay, a many splendored thing, it lifts us up where we belong, all you need is love!

Right?

Actually, according to the Twilight universe, love is a horrible horrible situation filled with constant face squishing, broodiness, squinting, being really cold, not having sex, and putting a whole lot of people and/or supernatural beings in danger.

In other words, love stinks.

Several years ago, I vowed to never say a bad word about the Twilight series (saga? Nobody called Donna Martin’s journey from rich Beverly Hills virgin to married redhead a saga, hrumph hrumph) until I actually experienced it for myself. Loyal readers will know that on April 28, 2010, I did.

And now have full license to say EVERYTHING about them.

I had no plan on watching Twilight: Eclipse or Twilight 3 or The One Where Bella Keeps Complaining And Jacob Doesn’t Even Bother To Put On a Shirt To Rip Off. As much as I enjoyed mocking the first two, I also found them painfully dull film watching experiences. The worst part of taking the plunge into Eclipse was knowing that I’d have to see an inevitably awful film by a promising and exciting filmmaker. Hard Candy and 30 Days of Night weren’t cinematic game changers, but they were unique, challenging genre films that took risks. 

The Twilight series is risky...if you’re a feminist looking to pick a fight with 14 year old girls and their mothers. Those chicks have CLAWS and will not hesitate to use them should you even THINK of pointing out the following:

Bella Swan is a worthless human being whose only positive attribute is having a nice head of hair.  

Jacob is a creepily obsessive teenager with an unhealthy fixation on a worthless human being with nice hair.

Edward has been alive for centuries, and yet the most interesting thing about him is…um…um…

Wait! I know this one. Um…

Yeah no, I got nothing.

David Slade is a good director with a nice hold on style. Sadly, like a vampire eating vegetarian (sorta), most of that is muted here in order to service the requirement that all Twilight films be atrocious. That being said, Slade does manage to bring more life into his take than previous helmers Catherine Hardwicke and Chris Weitz, spinning a little more horror into an opening rainy murder and occasionally almost badass fight scenes between the undead and wolfish. Visually, Eclipse has a little more going for it than the interminable dullness of Twilight and weirdly paced New Moon.

But even Scorsese couldn’t do anything about the sparkling elephant in the room and the unbelievably awful love triangle he birthed. I know, I know: I’m just not in the age or taste demographic to care, but…but…SERIOUSLY! Have you SEEN Eclipse?

Let me do my best teenage girl style recap of this relationship:

So like, Bella and Edward are totally in lovesies but Charlie (that’s Bella’s dad; she’s so cool that she calls him by his first name! Isn’t that COOL?) isn’t hip to that so he’s all like “Bella, I won’t ground you if you call your friend Jacob” which is sorta weird but whatever, she does but Jacob’s all like “you don’t love me! But you DO love me!” and like, she sorta does but not, you know, like how she loves Edward and Edward’s like “hey, don’t go see Jacob” and because HE LOVES HER SO MUCH he breaks her car so she can’t. I mean, that’s like REAL LOVE.

I hope some day I meet a man who will cut the wires in my car so that I don’t go visit my best friend.

But stuff happens and eventually Bella gets to see Jacob and HELLO STUD! He’s totally not wearing a shirt—like, EVER—and it’s amazing. But you know, Bella loves Edward but then Edward and Jacob fight over her but Bella’s all like “Don’t fight guys!” and she does that a lot and finally is like “I’m Switzerland!” which Wikipedia eventually told me means she’s neutral and stuff.

Bella’s so cool and smart like that. No wonder why Edward and Jacob are always fighting over her.

And like, showering her in gifts. Jacob gives her a wolf charm bracelet—I wonder if they sell that at Forever 21?—and like, Edward tops it by giving a prettier charm bracelet AND giant engagement ring!

Because OMG! They’re engaged! And like, not just to be married, but to be VAMPIRES TOGETHER FOREVER! I can’t think of anything more romantic, and I’ve seen every Channing Tatum movie ever (side note: Haywire was stupid).

And like—

Okay, I can’t do it anymore. I can’t stand by and, I don’t know, BE SWITZERLAND when the most popular entertainment for the world’s tweenage population involves a SEVENTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL declaring to her boyfriend “I want to tie myself to you in every way humanly possible.” This is not healthy. This is not good. I don’t care how romantic  it comes across or how pretty her wedding dress will eventually be: we should not be holding this character up as a role model.

Remember when you were 17? Remember how confident you were about certain things in life not ever changing? You would always be BFFs with your high school BFFs. Your prom date was The One. You would always consider Gladiator your favorite film of the year because you would never waiver in your crush of that handsome, manly slab of Aussie meat known as Russell Crowe. You might as well just BE FROZEN IN TIME FOREVER since just because you’re too young to vote, smoke, or rent a car does not in any way mean you’re not ready to make a commitment that will require the eternal alteration of YOUR SOUL.

Seriously, EVERYONE thought he was hot in 1999...right?

My point being, Bella is, wouldn’t you agree? a kid. “I’ve always felt out of step, like literally stumbling through my life,” she argues, using typical teen awkwardness to justify making a major SOUL decision that will determine the rest of her days. Look kid, you can transfer colleges. You can change jobs. Heck, you can even get divorced (as Bella so pointedly points out, the majority of people now do) but  surrendering your SOUL is a little more final. Apparently doing so also means no more vacations to Florida to hang out with her equally sullen mom while her not-overbearing-at-all boyfriend eavesdrops on every word of their conversation. Nope, dripping sparkles (which I swore was just sweat this go around) with your emo fella is clearly worth EVERYTHING to a woman too young to ever really experience ANYTHING.

Shake it off Emily, shake it off.

We know going into this saga that this is what we get: tireless arguments for a boring girl’s heart, a herd of tanned Native American teenagers hanging out in cutoffs and talking about girls (giggle giggle), a cuddling pillowtalk scene in which I can’t understand anything the leads are mumbling about, great haircuts from everybody. Let’s focus on the positives, i.e., really amusingly stupid flashbacks that attempt to flesh out the history of the vampire clan. 

Because you know, these vamps and wolfies are HISTORICAL! One was a Confederate soldier who zzzzzzzzzzz. Another was a classy upper class ‘30s dame who got gang raped and zzzzzzzzzzzz. Then there was a Native American a few centuries ago who zzzzzzzzz

Wait what? Did I just snore through gang rape in a PG13 blockbuster? Yeah, no seriously, because it happens in the kind of ZzzzzzZzzzzzzZzzzzzz manner that puts hyperactive children on a strict diet of coffee protein shakes to sleep.

So that’s that. The campy stuff is dull, the action scenes decent (way to run out that infield hit Slade), and the romance painful, offensive, and dangerous to young women everywhere. Because sorry girls, but falling asleep as your two boyfriends--one of whom is underage, the other who's got centuries over you--creepily discuss which one is a better LIFE MATCH is NOT awesome or liberating. I guess she’s not a victim though, since a few scenes after Bella has accepted Throwup Face’s proposal and begged Jacob to let her go, she calms down the sulky shirtless wonder by kissing him. Because THAT’S the way you cool things down when a guy is dangerously in love with you, right? You just play mind games with his poor unsatisfied libido?

Ah, the innocence and stupidity of youth.

Practical Fashion Police

Hey world: remember those famous mittens Kristen Stewart popularized a few years ago? All the kids wanted them, blogs taught you how to knit them, and in total unrestrained truth, even I kind of liked them? I bet they would have been REALLY USEFUL when Bella nearly freezes to death when camping in the subzero snowiness of the Seattle mountains (no, seriously) when wearing a light button down

Minor Rays of Light

Whether it’s Melissa Rosenberg’s script or (dare I say it) Stephanie Meyers’ original source, Eclipse does find a few moments of meta commentary in its dialogue, from the admittedly chuckleworthy Edward’s question about Jacob owning a shirt to the latter’s double-sided comment that he’s hotter

Lessons Learned

Survival 101: you warm up faster if you take your clothes off

Seattle gets an awful lot of snow in June

After a hard day at the office, nothing will put a laugh in your walk quite like watching vampire decapitations. They are HILARIOUS

Watch/Kill/Watch Me When I Kill All Associated With This Film

In total honesty, I think Eclipse *might* be the “best” of the Twilight films thus far, which is incredibly sad for all involved. Taylor Launtner still has abs of steel, yet his speaking voice has the strength and control of a newborn inbred baby opossum. Pattinson continues to wear his “I just ate some really rank alfredo sauce” expression with the amount of energy I summon to turn off my alarm clock, and Stewart seems determined to keep Bella a bland “every girl” waste of space solely defined by having nice hair and being carried around forests by handsome young men. If that's what you like, then hey! I've got a movie for you! Otherwise, leave it to the sadly doomed iPhone Generation, their Scarily Enthusiastic Moms, and these three wastes of spaces:

Because the above picture is pretty much what happens for 75% of this film's running length