Bike-mare Beach

 

The snow might be falling. The temperature is dropping. We're thick in the dregs of 4PM sunset and the winter blues but damnit, that's why film exists as an escape. You want fantasy? You want saltwater breezes and carefully curated tanlines? We got this. Throw on your best fire red mesh t-shirt. We're going swimming.

Quick Plot: It's spring break  - 

Sorry, required reaction when those two words are spoken

- in the wilds of Florida when a biker named Diablo convicted of multiple homicide is executed via the electric chair. His crew insists Diablo was innocent, but when his body disappears and the murders resume, tensions rise higher than the tan lines you get from an above-the-waist thong.

Enter Skip and Ronny, two failed college football would-be stars who come to town to party. Ronny quickly becomes the mysterious Maybe-Diablo's victim, prompting Skip to team up with a bartender named Gail to solve the crime.

And WHAT a crime! This isn't your stabbing, machete swinging slasher. CHILD'S PLAY Nightmare Beach says to that! Our killer, you see, rides a juiced up motorcycle with its very own pop-up electric chair built into the passenger rear.

It. Is. Metal.

This is the kind of sleazy beach slasher that lacks even the restraint it takes to keep a woman's wet, nipple-showing top on during any of its MULTIPLE wet t-shirt contest time fillers. Directed by the aptly named James Justice (aka Harry Kirkpatrick, but James Justice is SO much more fun to say) after Umberto Lenzi lost a battle with the producers, is certainly one of the stranger slashers to battle it out on the shelves of your beloved VHS rental store. Naturally, I mean that in the best of ways.

You get bikers that feel like refugees from the bar in Pee-Wee's Great Adventure. John Saxon shifting his eyes as a dishonest cop. Murders far more creative than anything Jason Voorhes could cook up. And best of all, an actual point to the killings that genuinely does tack on an actual theme to the glorious chaos of the 90 minutes that came before. What more can you ask for from a cheap '80s slasher?

High Points

I'm a simple, simple woman, one made exceedingly giddy by such filmmaking decisions as "let's use as many dummies to simulate murder victims as possible." Folks, Nightmare Beach uses a LOT of dummies, and the world is a better place for it

Low Points

This is a very dumb thing to be mad about, but in such a glorious chunk of low quality but delicious cheese, I find it perfectly valid to be most angry that the token PRANKS guy (you know the type if you've watched any horror or horror-adjacent film from the '80s) who CONTINUES to throw on prosthetics and pose himself as dead even AFTER multiple homicides, just doesn't get NEARLY a painful enough or grand demise. This is a guy who dons greasy fake bullet wounds IN A PUBLIC POOL FOR GOODNESS SAKE, and yet all we get is the discover of his actual real body, while our most lovable character (the ridiculously cheerful and savvy sex worker) is brutally set fire to before our eyes

Lessons Learned
When you're 18, you can do what you want

Men were telling women they'd be prettier if they smiled since at least 1986, though back then, the price of such assholery was a cruel and immediate death

Less a lesson and more a question to keep you up in the middle of the night: who's dumber? The PRANKS guy who does the fake-Jaws shark swim on a crowded beach, or the police officer who fires his pistol at the water?

Rent/Bury/Buy
Nightmare Beach is gloriously steaming on Kanopy, the free-through-your-library service more commonly associated with educational documentaries and Criterion releases. What a time to be alive folks. What. A. Time.

Reader Recommendation: Tenebrae

“Eschewing any in depth analysis or over-enthusiasm for something I personally like a lot, I'll try and just give you one quick reason to see one of the movies on your list. When you reviewed a movie and said that it contained a death by dodgeball scene in it, I wanted to see that movie. That's the kind of recommendation I would like to pass on. That said, my recommendation to you is "Tenebrae," and it's for this reason only: it's got some pretty damn impressive stunt work performed by a Doberman Pinscher. That doesn't sound so alluring now that I've written it, but it's like nothing I've ever seen before.”--Dave 

“You should watch tenebre because I won't read your blog again until you have!”

--Myke

Having finally watched one of the seminal films of Italian horror, I can honestly tell you what I will take from it most prominently is...

Doberman Pinschers are indeed capable of doing incredible stunt work.

Quick Plot: Horror/mystery novelist Paul Neal heads to Rome for his book tour just as a psychotic slasher begins murdering beautiful brunettes in the style of his pages. A fanboy detective investigates while Neal, his assistant, and driver play Encyclopedia Brown on their own time.

Talking about Tenebrae in the horror community is the equivalent of discussing Citizen Kane at the Producers Guild or Guinness at an Irish pub. It is, to my understanding, the definitive giallo film, one of Argento's crowning achievements, and, for some, the best Italian horror film of all time.

For. Some.

Sigh. 

I can't gush over Tenebrae. I can say, in utter honesty, that I found it be an interesting watch from a film-ish point of view. As an experience, however, it never felt...well...effective.

I'm going to divide this review into two parts: the simple sit-down-to-a-movie fan and the intellectual meta-watcher. Here goes:

Couch Potato

Though visually interesting, Tenebrae just isn't that suspenseful from my 21st century sensibilities. It's hard to be emotionally involved in a character's fate when synthesized music blasts through the television to tell me said character is being stalked. It's hard to care about a mystery that seems so calculatedly mysterious on the part of the writer. It's hard to be scared by a film that wears its style on every frame.

At the same time, Tenebrae grew on me strong enough that I was intellectually, if never emotionally invested in its outcome. It’s impossible to not TRY to solve the mystery, even though the film spends just about every minute making it impossibly improbable to crack. The climax is sufficiently brutal (yet still pretty unbelievable) so you’re left satisfied enough.

Intellectual Movie Watcher

One needs to read a little bit about Tenebrae in order to get why it figures so prominently on best-of lists in cinema studies. I did this after watching the movie.

And so yes. I get that the extraordinary movement of the camera, superbly executed crane shots, and meta nature of Peter Neal’s relationship to Dario Argento. It’s there onscreen to be sure, and when analyzed, very impressive. The visuals are superb. The red is very red. There are books to be written (and recommended) and long conversations to be had. It's an important movie to be discussed. I just didn't really like it enough upon first viewing to do it right now.

High Points

I’m always for daytime horror, and one thing I genuinely admire about Tenebrae is how well Argento uses sunniness and full lighting to show us everything

Low Points

I know Goblin and Argento are as complimentary as peanut butter and banana, but really, how scared can I as an audience member be when the soundtrack just makes me want to put on a pair of jogging shorts and a headband and do a few laps?

Lessons Learned

The best way to get a girl in bed probably does not involve telling her you might throw up

When your driver is clearly mentally unstable after witnessing a horrific murder, it’s a good idea to buckle your seatbelt

Those ‘keep your bag in your view at all times’ airport rules aren’t just useful for terrorism

There really is a reason for modern art!

Stray Observation

Two characters do things I can’t: the aforementioned dog climbs a fence and John Saxon demonstrates how to bow and dance without losing a snazzy hat. Both make me feel insanely jealous and inadequate

Rent/Bury/Buy

Considering its pedigree, all genre fans should see Tenebrae at some point in their lives. I would recommend reading up on why it’s so important before watching, something you could do quite rewardingly with blogger extraordinaire James Gracey’s book . I’m sort of stepping away from calling Tenebrae good or bad, great or dull. It’s essential viewing, and one I’ll need to revisit before feeling comfortable with a judgment. In true honesty, I didn’t really ‘enjoy’ it the way I did something like Suspiria or The Beyond. It was pretty. Rather silly. And I know, very important. For now, I’ll leave it at that.

Christmas With the Cons

I'm back! Chicago? Conquered. Museums? Explored. Modern art? Mocked. Beer? Imbibed. Hot dogs? Killed. Deep dish pizza? Ruled inferior.


And with that out of the way, let's swing back into what you REALLY came here to learn:

There was a time in my youth where few radical filmic propositions seemed quite as logical as genetic experimentation on death row inmates. Save the lab mice and learn from a real specimen, that’s what made sense.

I also used to want a Yoda tattoo and to name my first child Mabel, so let’s just agree that there’s a whole lot in our pasts we’re not proud of.

John Saxon, however, should take full credit for Zombie Death House, an incredible slice of ‘80s exploitation cheese brimming with the pungent odor of ridiculousness.

Quick Plot:

Vietnam vet Derek Keillor takes a job as chauffeur to oily mob boss Vic Morrettti (Anthony Franciosa), celebrating his employer’s generosity by boinking the violent man’s girlfriend. Naturally, no Italian stallion appreciates being cuckolded so before you can say mozzarella, the loose blonde is drowned and our default protagonist framed.

The film skips ahead past Derek’s trial as he awaits the electric chair. Inconveniently enough, those final few months get spent in a high security prison where Vic’s belly-shirt sporting brother rules the roost with the assistance of a boy toy and crooked corrections staff. As if the end of days weren’t bad enough, Derek soon discovers the inmates are being subjected to mad scientist Colonel Burgess (the multitasking Saxon) who, in typical zombie fashion, is attempting to hone a superrace of genetically altered humans. 

It doesn’t take long for a few test cases to get rowdy, and, in turn, a gaggle of prisoners to get mildly riot-y. Despite the fact that it’s Christmas and the warden is in the house, family in tow, these hardened criminals see little need to actually do much harm. A few blatantly settle down with checkers and steals from the mess hall. Apparently, spending the holidays inside a corrections facility beats ham dinner at the in-laws any day!

To be clear about Zombie Death House, this is a terrible movie. A great terrible movie, but an awful one nonetheless. Zombie afficionados will be salivating for the actual undead action, which arrives around the 45 minute mark following cheap car chases and Oz-ish prison politics. When it hits, it never really...well, hits. There are some shamblers, a few talkers, super-strong ghouls that kill via pushing men’s heads through bars, several arm tears, and more bad dialogue than an after-school special. 

In other words, it’s kind of great.

High Points

Um. In a traditional sense? The very fact that this movie exists?

Low Points

Aside from the illogical zombie science, clumsy actions sequences, poor acting, and inconsistent tone? Um. I would have rather had the kids die.

Lessons Learned

Always stretch before escaping a zombie prison riot; you’ll never know when you’ll be called upon to do an impressive backflip when fleeing an explosion

All females in existence have oversized blond hair

Smart blond scientist females can only retain their brains when wearing lab coats; how else to explain why scientist-turned-reporter Tanya refuses to remove her dangly cover, even though the sleeves can be easily grabbed by reaching zombies

Don’t fuck with a zombie’s Twinkies

You might as well wait until after your night of passion to break of your affair

Rent/Bury/Buy

Though no wise film fan should invest more than ice cream money in Zombie Death House, this is an enjoyable enough time well worth a beer-soaked viewing. Is it classy? Hell no, it’s the kind of movie where characters refer to females as broads and even the smart scientist gets a fantasy boob shot. If you want inappropriate prison humor and the occasional arm ripoff, cue it up on Instant Watch, tear yourself some Polly-O String Cheese, and eat up.