Sometimes you quickly pick a movie to start your warning and after the two minutes of Amazon commercials, decide it's too late to turn back...even after you see the WWE Studios logo.
Quick Plot: Two very attractive people on a road trip stop for the night to have carefully positioned sex in a dumpy motel. One of them is unnamed but played by Luke Evans, while the other is named Betty. They have some kind of confusingly quiet passion that involves Luke Evans loving another woman and Betty whispering about it.
Nearby, a gang of incredibly stupid thieves begin to rob a large house when the owners show up unexpectedly. Hotheaded Flynn wastes no time shooting them up, much to the chagrin of leader Hoag (the always welcome Lee Tergesen). Later that night, they bump into Betty and Luke Evans at a dive bar. Flynn senses a payday and runs them off the road in the hopes of torturing out some bank passwords. Little does he know what he's gotten his team into.
Turns out, Luke Evans is not just a handsome but quiet lover: he's a cartoon slasher.
We're talking rip off a guy's ear, stab you with a clipboard, stow away in a giant corpse villain. We don't know why he does what he does, but he's quite good at it. Side hobby? Kidnapping pretty young women to play mind games in the hopes of Stockholm Syndroming them into falling in love/ Or fighting love and wanting independence?
Don't think too hard about this. It will just hurt.
No One Lives was directed by the very dynamic Ryuhei Kitamura, whose gonzo Battlefield Baseball was a blast (American horror fans would probably know him better for the meh Midnight Meat Train). For me, No One Lives falls somewhere in between.
I didn't enjoy this movie in the least. BUT, for what it's trying to do, I can't say it doesn't entirely succeed.
Luke Evans is a star. Classically trained, exceedingly handsome, and boasting of film charisma, he takes No One Lives a very long way to feeling like a real movie. I didn't like the tone Kitamura went for, but I can't say the movie doesn't find it quickly and keep the energy up throughout.
The characters are stupid. Their actions, pretty senseless. Aside from wrestler Tyrus in a small role, No One Lives doesn't necessarily feel like it should come off as a WWE production except, well, it definitely does. The dialogue might have been written by locking a dozen teenagers in a basement with a copy of Playboy, Nietzsche, and Final Draft.
For me, that wasn't an enjoyable thing. But if it's YOUR thing, then you'll probably enjoy this movie.
High Points
2012 feels a little late in the torture porn cycle for this level of gore, but if that's what you're looking for, I can't say No One Lives does it poorly
Low Points
Sigh. I'm not generally expecting great dialogue from anything that has the WWE Studios logo on it (though maybe I should since Mike Flanagan's Oculus somehow fits that bill) but let's be very clear: when all of your characters (including the ladies) constantly refer to every female onscreen as a b*tch, you've told me everything I need to know about how the production feels about women
Lessons Learned
A team player and total sociopath are easily confused
If you want to be respected, join a book club
The worst thing about the common criminal is that he's mediocre
Rent/Bury/Buy
No One Lives is a very silly movie that certainly doesn't lack enthusiasm. Watch the trailer to see if it's right for you.
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