Play Ball (Amongst Other Things)

A murder mystery starring Roy Scheider set around the Astrodome? Color me intrigued.

Until I watched the actual movie.

Quick Plot: Things are grave in Galveston. Attractive blond women are turning up dead on the beach, each one sliced up with a large hook and leaving a pocket filled with a cryptic handwritten note. 

On the case is Detective Mike Seaver, a former minor league ballplayer who still has a deep affection for the Houston Astros. Work is hard enough without the complications of his engagement to Roxie, a woman young enough to be the daughter of his high school ex-girlfriend. He can still remember the day they met: she was learning how to ride a tricycle. 

Yes, it's icky, and no, the film doesn't really seem to understand that. It's so much more fun to make mother-in-law jokes!

Mike is on the case, along with a corrupt and/or cowardly police force and a LOT of sexy tenor saxophone. Will he be able to stop the killer before he inevitably targets Mike's own young blonde? And what does it all have to do with the Houston Astros?

Directed by Peter Masterson, Night Game feels like the kind of movie made for tax credits. Its most defining feature is the fact that it's filmed in Texas, which certainly has some humid charm. Scheider is playing a role far less interesting than Brodie or Fosse, but he manages to maintain our attention by finding the right chemistry for each of Night Game's many subplots.

And there are so many! 

The script (by Spencer Eastman and Anthony Palmer) feels like several pages of airport paperbacks were tossed in the air and someone frantically shoved a few into a binder while rushing to catch a plane. There's a running storyline about salvaging the honor of Mike's long-dead dad that goes absolutely nowhere. Mike's annoyance at wedding planning with a mother-in-law from hell (or, you know, HIS OWN HIGH SCHOOL). Even the fact that Mike once had major league dreams barely seems to matter for the case which, in case you forgot, should be a pretty big deal.

There is a certain joy to be found in some of Night Game's very dated rhythms. Cops eating ice cream cones while interrogating suspects. Coroners who love their jobs and the other patrons at the bar who would rather not hear why. '80s wedding attire.

This is not a good movie, and it's frustrating because it has a shocking amount of talent and opportunity at play. Still, even when the story is dull, the film is such particular artifact that it somehow never bored me.

High Points

I'm a sucker for an atmospheric funhouse chase (probably a result of me watching Tobe Hooper's The Funhouse and The Care Bears Movie in the same formative year) so I'll give ample credit to Masterson for his staging of Night Game's high point

Low Points

There are so many decisions one can make when it comes to writing a love interest in a thriller that I just can't understand why Night Game decided to commit so wholeheartedly to this one

Lessons Learned

You can tell a lot about a person by their remains

In the late 1980s, being overweight really just meant being brunette

Giving somebody a television set doesn't mean what it used to

Rent/Bury/Buy

Night Game was far from satisfying, but there was something vaguely interesting to me about its time and place (even if it had no idea what to do with either). If a messy, meandering thriller that loosely involves the 1989 Houston Astros has any appeal, find it on Amazon (or Tubi, because not surprisingly, this is indeed on Tubi).

Take Me Out To the Bark Game

One learns quite a lot when devoting an entire month to Animals Doing Human Stuff movies. Among those tidbits of knowledge:

-farting is mandatory

-slide whistles still exist

-most Animals Doing Human Stuff movies need more animals doing human stuff

-there are A LOT of Air Bud movies

Air Bud began his domination in the late '90s when a film about a soccer playing golden retriever captured the wallets of family film loving audiences in America. Ever the smart studio, Disney proceeded to juice every ounce of sportsmanship out of the beautiful purebred, sending him to the football field, basketball court, space (yes, just like the Leprechaun) and here, baseball. Having never seen an Air Bud movie, it seemed logical to start with a sport I actually care about although let it not go unsaid:

Until I see Air Bud playing badminton, I will never be satisfied.

Although I'll concede that seeing him in a football helmet is, well,

Just TRY not to say aw. I dare you.

Quick Plot: As Air Bud's owner Josh Framm (Kevin Zeggers of Dawn of the Dead and Wrong Turn fame) heads off to college, his little sister Andrea experiences growing pains on her first day of junior high. Being the ignored middle child doesn't help matters, nor does her inability to fit into any extracurricular activity. 

Don't worry: there's a montage to explain everything.

Thankfully, Andrea's best pal Tammy is a secret all-star baseball player. Though Andrea doesn't know a strike from a ball, she makes the team due to Tammy's ultimatum to the coach. Now THAT'S a friend you want to have!

Andrea gets off to an awful start, first as an annoying bench warmer and later, an overly enthusiastic right fielder. Being the new owner of Buddy, however, Andrea soon learns that the perfect practice partner is right at her heels. After she improves her skills via montage (the third of the film and counting!), Andrea becomes an all-star pitcher and Buddy, the power-hitting first baseman.

Unlike Big & Hairy, which made a point of enrolling its basketball-playing sasquatch in middle school for team eligibility, Buddy has no affiliation with the education system. Nah, he's just an awesome dog that the entire town rightfully loves, so why SHOULDN'T he be allowed to bat cleanup? Since the movie makes no arguments about this point, neither shall I. Although you have to wonder how the poor schlubs that got cut from the team feel after being deprived their spot on the roster first so the awful Andrea could play with her friend, and now so a DOG could pant around the bases.

Eh. Children need canine role models way more than the chance to exert themselves on a ballfield. I am okay with this completely unfair system.

If Buddy's rise to the majors and Andrea's discovery of self-confidence was all there was to Air Bud: Seventh Inning Fetch, we probably wouldn't be at a feature length film. Instead, we get an erratic subplot about a pair of bumbling scientists who want to kidnap Buddy and his children to isolate the "supersports gene" and sell it to athletes. The villains are far too cartoonish to ever really be scary, which is kind of perfect for an audience that really just wants to watch well-choreographed stunts with a cute dog wearing a baseball uniform.

Director Robert Vince clearly knew what movie he was making, and there's a slick professionalism about Air Bud: Seventh Inning Fetch that shows up a good deal of the other ADHS films I've watched this month. The human cast (including Richard Karn and Cynthia Stevenson) is perfectly serviceable, the filmmaking fully professional, and the dog actors, well, pretty damn great. Sure, we've got our inevitable animal puns (Umpire: "This game has gone to the dogs!") and five minutes in, dogs-knocking-down-dad-to-eat-bbq-and-lick-his-face antics, but in a way, Air Bud is almost too good. I think weirdly affectionate horrors like Cats: The Movie are starting to confuse my expectations.

Ah well. At least we have a random WTF coda that has Air Bud playing first base for the Anaheim Angels as they win the World Series. 

It's the little things that make a difference.

High Notes

More than any other of America's popular sports, baseball is not easily played by amateurs. Air Bud does a surprisingly effective job at capturing the inexperienced Andrea's nerves when thrust upon the field for the first time

Low Notes

They really couldn’t teach the young actress playing Andrea how to not throw like a girl?

Lessons Learned

Golden retrievers look positively adorable when wearing baseball helmets

When your child and super genius dog are mysteriously missing, the best course of action to take is to watch the baseball game they're not at with sad looks on your face

A little girl on a bicycle can generally ride at the same speed as an automobile

Montage Mania

Of the 93 minute running time, I'm going to estimate 71 were devoted to montages, be they new activities, baseball tryouts, sad baseball playing, happy baseball training, good baseball playing, or the big game

Standard Animals Doing Human Stuff Trope Tally

New Kid In Town: X

Recent Dead or Divorced Parent: X

Montage: Check (check check check check...)

New Friendship: X

Potentially Inappropriate ‘Friendship’ Between Child & Unrelated Adult (Human): X

Evil Corporate Enemy: Check

Original Song: X

Bully Comeuppance: X (although the former all-star does get schooled by the female team members)

Small Town Values: Check (the town might as well be called Buddyville)

Back To Nature Moral: X

Overall Score: 2/10. A surprisingly low score for a film that's so clearly churned out with a franchise formula

A-Paws Meter

Air Bud: Seventh Inning Fetch is one of the ADHS genre's better offerings, which makes it, let's face it, a little less fun. If you have kids and need to keep them busy for 90 minutes while you finish that wine, then this is the perfect distraction because you won't have to worry about them wanting a pet chimpanzee to have burping contests with. If you're looking for something to watch with irony, look elsewhere. But hey, if you really just need to stare at cute golden retrievers wearing baseball hats and carrying Louisville Sluggers in their adorable jaws, then here you go. 

I look out for all types.

How You Doin'? Well, honestly, not so hot

If there's one nook in television land that encapsulated the latter end of the 1990s, it can be found in Central Perk. Never a fan myself (I'd much rather share a big salad with Elaine while rolling my eyes at George's latest antics and poking the bill towards Jerry), I can at least appreciate the influence that Friends had on the landscape of American pop culture. Yes, All In the Family was groundbreaking and Arrested Development was utter brilliance, but neither show can boast a haircut named after its lead.

How odd then, that in the center of its smash success most of Friends' fresh-faced stars (well, most and David Schwimmer) would stumble through such box office failure. Though Courteney Cox lucked out with Scream and Lisa Kudrow enjoyed moderate success in the lovable Romy & Michelle’s High School Reunion, the other few made bland to horrible choices of how to spend their hiatus. Jennifer Aniston bored audiences in The Object of My Affection, while Matthew Perry bumbled in Almost Heroes. Despite the growing stigma of being typecast as their NBC counterparts, I imagine all six of those future millionaires were relieved to slip back into that studio.

None more so than Matt LeBlanc, who easily made the worst decision of all his costars--and possibly, all NBC actors ever--by signing up to star in Ed.

Let me explain: Ed is a movie about a minor league pitcher who finds his curveball after befriending the team's new third baseman, a farting chimp.

Do I need to say that again? Ed is a movie about a minor league pitcher who finds his curveball after befriending the team's new third baseman, a farting chimp. 

You see where we're going with this...

Quick Plot: On a sunny green farm in Oregon, Matt LeBlanc plays Joe--

Look, let's get one thing straight: I am not going to refer to any character Matt LeBlanc plays as anything but Joey until I deem the man worthy of shedding that skin. I didn't even watch Friends but throughout Ed, I found myself completely incapable of remembering LeBlanc's character's name and hence, I'm just saying it's Joey. If you don't like that, then go find another blog that's about to devote far too many words to Ed, the movie about a minor league pitcher who finds his curveball after befriending the team's new third baseman, a farting chimp.

That's what I thought.

Joey is an aw-shucks savant of sorts who gives up homer after homer while playing for the Rockets, a minor league team composed of 'wacky' players with unmemorable quirks (cross-eyed, clumsy, preppy, Hispanic). In order to boost fan interest, the slimy owner brings in a chimpanzee for mascot duty but GET THIS: the furry guy is like, TOTALLY a good ballplayer. Before you can say "I DIDN'T SEE THAT ONE COMING!", Ed Sullivan (because why not?) is as big a star as any minor league player can be.

And 23 minutes into Ed, the monkey farts.

120 seconds later, Joey rolls his eyes and announces "I'm gonna spank that monkey!"

Dear readers, I don't know if I've been able to properly capture what it is about Animals Doing Human Stuff that I find so fascinating as a subgenre of live action film, but I hope that Ed helps to spotlight it. See, Ed is an awful, awful awful piece of cinema. I say this with nary a drop of film snobbery. I have an original poster of the second made-for-TV Ewok movie hanging above my desk as I type. I harbor no elitism when it comes to entertainment aimed at younger crowds.

But see, from its first shot to awkward last one, Ed is an undefendable piece of work. Though the animatronic title character was crafted with skill (and let it not go unsaid, creepiness), just about every other aspect of this 90 minute dud seems lazily burped onscreen. And  yes, I'm including the burps, of which there are many.

See, Ed is lovable because he FARTS! And BURPS! And makes weird noises in the bathroom. And eats strawberry ice cream that he then spits through his nose and it's that much funnier that it's strawberry ice cream in the same way that it's always funnier when a chimp farts. Ed might have a good eye at the plate and golden glove on the field, but he also steals bases by pantsing the second baseman. 

Don't worry: it's all in the montage.

And if you missed the first one, there's another!

My favorite thing about Ed, however, is not Matt LeBlanc's soulless performance or the fact that Joey's Single Mom Waitress Walking Cliche Love Interest inexplicably owns a golden Madonna cone brassiere and blond ponytail wig. These things are special in their own way, but clearly, the greatest tool this movie has is its sound effects. Or rather, one slide whistle that must have been blown 182 times in this 90 minute movie to signal anytime Ed does something WACKY. 

I might have thought Chain Letter had a lot of chains, but I tell you: Ed's use of the slide whistle must have singlehandedly kept that product in business for the remainder of the 20th century.

Outside of sound effect hijinks and the occasional monkey driving a car (matched, naturally, with slide whistle sound effect hijinks), Ed has little to offer most of its audience. There's a chemistry-free romance that butts in uninvited, a randomly sad character arc for the sole likable player on the Rockets' roster, a child actor forced to be precocious, toupee humor at the expense of the wealthy villain, a barely cohesive attempt to know anything about baseball, and because why not? animal abuse when Ed, now a star attraction, gets traded and randomly tortured. Because that's how most minor league ballclub owners treat their expensive investments. Torture. Throughout it all, LeBlanc's character that isn't Joey  keeps being pushed into the spotlight when really, if you're already putting an audience through as awful a film as Ed is, you might as well AT LEAST give them more time with the baseball playing chimpanzee.

No such luck.

Lessons Learned

It’s called a ball game because it involves a ball...and is supposed to be fun

Letting a chimpanzee play baseball is equally important as letting women vote and black men be presidents

People from Oregon are into choking...when it really counts

God listens to prayers made by little girls to awaken mortally wounded chimpanzees just in time for the big game

Would You Rather...

Costar Jack Warden has weathered some bad films. You have to wonder which he was less proud of: playing the grizzled minor league team manager fighting for the rights of a chimpanzee in a little hat, or as Junior's grumpy grandpa in the awful (yet memorized by me) hit Problem Child.

Look! It's...

Future Jesus Jim Caviezel as an unlucky infielder, Parks & Rec's Jerry as an announcer, and, far more impressively to someone like me, Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead and Kindergarten Cop bit play Jayne Brook as Ed's Single Mom Waitress Walking Cliche Love Interest!

Montage Mania!

While their respective partners go out on a lukewarm date, Ed and Single Mom Waitress Walking Cliche Love Interest's daughter make an absolute mess of their humble home. Following the fartacular sequence, the pair finish cleaning up their room, scrubbing that kitchen floor, getting the garbage out of sight, and yes: all this action coincides precisely to the lyrics of the played song, Yakety Yak

As if that weren't enough, director Bill Couturie finds a way to cram in a remix of Take Me Out to the Ballgame to show off Ed's incredible fielding skills. It's a montage double!

Standard Animals Doing Human Stuff Trope Tally

New Kid In Town: Check (he’s an adult, but it’s Matt LeBlanc, so you know...)

Recent Dead or Divorced Parent: Check, just not the main character

Montage: MULTIPLE

New Friendship: Check

Potentially Inappropriate ‘Friendship’ Between Child & Unrelated Adult: If a chimpanzee counts, then check

Evil Corporate Enemy: Check

Original Song: X

Bully Comeuppance: Check

Small Town Values: Check

Back To Nature Moral: X. Ed seems far happier eating processed foods, presumably because they fuel louder, ergo more comical farts

Overall Score: 8.5/10

850? That's a decent batting average.

A-Paws Meter

Ed is exactly what you'd expect from a Razzie nominated baseball playing chimpanzee film made in the '90s. Thankfully, it's also on Netflix Instant Watch, so I have minimum guilt about giving it 94 minutes of my life. The only real downside is that only now do I realize how much funnier hijinks are when performed with the aide of a slide whistle. To think how I've squandered 30 good years without that fact...

Take Me Out to the Blood Games

You must understand something before reading my thoughts on 1990’s girl-powered revenge film centered on a female baseball team: I love A League of Their Own. It’s watched every year without fail and quoted just about any time the subject of crying, swing dancing, Jon Lovitz, charm school, or penis in hats comes up. Had Labyrinth not started with the letter L, it easily would have made my cinematic alphabet. Part of this comes from the fact that it's an absolutely wonderful movie, a rare successful studio comedy containing an entire team's worth of worthy performances and sharp writing. The other part is that I love baseball.

Hence, when Netflix told me that queuing up the forgettable Steve Austin actionfest Hunt to Kill implied I Might Also Like 1990's Blood Games, I took the following description:

A team of sexy female baseball players whips the local rednecks -- and things turn violent when the men refuse to pay up for losing in this campy thriller. While team manager Midnight (Ross Hagen) tries to collect the cash, the locals attack some of the babes. Soon it's an all-out war, with the hometown hicks hunting down the women, who start fighting back after a few of their teammates wind up dead.

and imagined--quite correctly--that I had finally found the movie to complete my grand slam of baseball cinema (for the record, the other two runners are Field of Dreams and Major League).

Quick Plot: Meet the Ball Girls, a sassy team of female baseball players who cruise through small towns to challenge the locals to friendly games while Coach Midnight earns some dough betting on their victory. The money, sadly, does not go towards uniform expenses as the girls play in roomy cotton hotpants, presumably to distract their male opponents or because they're all masochists who love nothing more than a good sliding bruise.

After a whopping 17-2 win over a team of crass and grope-happy hillbillies, Midnight is stiffed by the Sam Elliot-like opposing coach but the badass Ball Girl boss takes matters into his own hands in the men’s room of a Double Deuce-like roadhouse. Too bad a few infielders get nearly raped in the process, leading to a chaotic brawl that somehow ends up with Not Sam Elliot’s son car-crushed and Midnight stabbed in the belly.

What’s a frazzled coach-less team to do? Certainly not drive their bus to a hospital or call the police. It’s far better to flee the scene of the crime with a dying man until a few intense car chases lead to a breakdown and backwoods Rambo-esque escape. See, that passing line about how Not Sam Elliot is a cheap mercenary actually has some merit: although he wouldn’t pony up a grand to pay Coach Midnight, he’s more than willing to drop $1000 for each pretty hair tie-less head his other goons can bring him after the death of his son. 

The battle rages.

At a certain point, half the girls vow to take vengeance while the pitcher and team captain Babe preaches that they must stay together. That actually means that the brunettes will continue on towards safety while the blonds are left on their own to serve up some seductive payback.

Oh, and get gang raped. Just because this is directed by a woman (maybe) doesn’t mean we’re going to skimp on the misogyny! It’s not just that there’s violence committed against women; it’s HOW it’s filmed. Take, for example, the early attempted rapes which find reason to cut to closeups of the almost-victim’s bare breasts. Sure, we’d just spent a good ten minutes ogling the same women as they lounged around the locker room, but the shots are deliberately sleazy in a meaner manner than is necessary for an exploitation film.

That doesn’t mean that Blood Games isn’t the greatest thing of all time. This is primarily evident in the final scene, where

SPOILER ALERT

The last redneck standing has Babe’s little sister (and team catcher) in a sleeper hold. Using her pitch calling skills, Kit--I mean Dottie--I mean, Little Sister In Blood Games gives Babe a sign for a fast ball up and inside...of the redneck’s FACE.

Eff. Yeah.

High Points

An early bathroom brawl scene has Not Sam Elliot fist-fighting with his pants around his ankles. For whatever reason, this made me happy

Low Points

There’s a reason All the Way May and Doris didn’t want to wear those skorts when playing ball: because no self-respecting ballplayer would EVER slide with that much exposed skin. I know, I know: the audience of Blood Games has higher priorities than sporting accuracy, but still. Have a little respect and if nothing else, LET THEM TIE THEIR ENORMOUS HAIR BACK

Lessons Learned

Maybe your team wouldn’t be losing 17-2 against an all-female squad if every player didn’t swig a beer before stepping up to the plate

If a team is named “Ball Girls,” you should have no reason whatsoever to think that they might have some skills at throwing balls at your own

After being stabbed in the gut, the best course of action is to drink water and dab the wound with a fluffy towel

The Winning Insults:

Redneck 1: You drink beer the way you piss.

Redneck 2: You piss the way you drink beer.

I’m not sure who got the better zap!, but I’m totally cool with using both.

Missed Marketing Opportunity

The final scene of Blood Games features a slow motioned montage highlighting all the women that died in the last 90 minutes. TELL ME someone didn’t take these screenshots and turn them into tradeable baseball cards?

Rent/Bury/Buy

Now streaming on Instant Watch, Blood Games is fairly wonderful dose of late ‘80s sleaze that offers something for everyone: bare breasts of tough chicks for the gents and girl powered vengeance for the ladies. Yes, it’s a dreadfully sexist movie that might prove offensive to some viewers, but those who love the stench of Cheese Wiz will find it to be a homerun.