Bobo Calling

 

About every 9 episodes or so of any Law & Order installment, something truly beautiful happens. The detectives are investigating some clue, maybe a leftover receipt or diary entry, when they find themselves entering the kind of storefront you can smell from behind your television screen. 

The shop proprietor is almost always a portly, fiftysomething man with a belly bursting out of his stained silky shirt's bottom and chest hair knotted through a gold chain or three. If we're lucky, he's eating a sandwich.

The kind of sandwich that makes a movie mortician drool.

Our ridiculously good-looking detectives are never charmed, not by his affable manner nor offer for a discount on some new gold watches. "Cut the crap," they say, only to prompt the kind of sentence that calls for a cheer and toast.

"I RUN A LEGITIMATE BUSINESS."

Sometimes the show does a remix, putting the same words in the perfectly lipsticked mouth of a well-dressed madam insisting her escort agency provides companionship without anything illicit. It hits just as hard. 

Anyway, can't say WHY I thought of that when watching Out of the Dark. Is it because we have TWO instances of this? And they come in the form of Paul Bartel as a seedy motel manager and Karen Black as a glorious manager at a phone sex hotline?

Quick Plot: It's a regular late night at Suite Nothings, where beautiful women humor their callers while filing their nails and reviewing their taxes. The job is fairly easy, though nobody enjoys it when frequent customer Bobo rings in to discuss mutilation while referring to himself in the third person.

Employee Jo Ann leaves the office for a late night dog walk and stumbles upon a playful man dressed in a clown mask. While most single ladies would quickly exit that kind of situation, this one plays along until he brutally murders her. 

The detectives are on the case, though not before Bobo kills again. Some signs point to Kevin, Suite Nothings' Kristi's photographer boyfriend. There's also Stringer, the weird little accountant who helps the ladies get maximum state and federal returns. Since he's played by Bud Cort, you certainly can't rule him out.

Out of the Dark is an odd little film. There's a sort of New York Ripper-ness about its attitude towards violence against women in that it wants us to find its killer pathetic, but the actual reveal is so clunky and nonsensical that it left me more confused than triumphant. It also suffers from underserving its charismatic cast. Karen Black has one scene of character building establishing her as a fascinating working mother going through a messy divorce, and...well...that never comes up again. There's an interesting dynamic between the female detective who sees things far more clearly than her older, embittered, and very male partner, but guess who gets to save the day?

Ultimately, there's a whole lot that is deeply unsatisfying about how Out of the Dark ends. At the same time, you get Divine!

It's a mixed bag. I enjoyed this movie more than its quality probably should allow. Make of that what you will!

High Points

I wouldn't call Out of the Dark a feminist masterpiece, but director Michael Schroeder does a refreshing job of showcasing his sex workers as smart, fun, and simply cool women. It's not the kind of thing I expect from a 1980s slasher

Low Points

I know cultural sensitivity is an evolving thing, but in any world, was it necessary to play mariachi music during the one scene of dialogue with a Mexican woman?

Lessons Learned

Nobody gives great accounting quite like a weirdo

Animated creatures weren't in demand for phone sex in the late '80s

When in doubt, stick with the utility stocks

Rent/Bury/Buy

Out of the Dark doesn't really come together in the end, but it's a genuinely fun ride along the way. The film treats its female characters well (well, when not killing them) and has enough familiar faces to satisfy fans of camp. Fun fact: I watched the first half of this on Shudder, then turned on that network the next day to find out it was no longer available. Thankfully, if there was ever a movie that screamed, "this is probably on Tubi," it's Out of the Dark. So find it there!

Cyborg, Interrupted

Loyal readers may remember my utter glee at discovering a terribly entertaining straight-to-netherworld action flick called Gangland. It was an over the top thing of immense glory.

Little did I ever realize Gangland was essentially an unofficial remake/sequel to Canon's 1989's Cyborg, with Costas Mandylor and one of the guys from Step By Step step by stepping in for Jean Claude Van Damme while Vincent Klyn revived his long-haired, leather coat, no shirt, villain under a new name.

Such a discovery does not dilute my love of Gangland. I liked Cyborg well enough, so naturally, I headed to the vaults of Netflix's "Long Waits" for its very different sequel.

Quick Plot: It's 2074, and the world really digs cyborgs. Leading the industry is Pinwheel Robotics, an evil corporation way less fun than its name suggests. Pinwheel has a plan to eliminate their only rivals, the Coca-Cola to their Pepsi, Kobyashi Electronics. The plan involves sending a highly trained (in sex and combat) cyborg named Cash to Kobyashi, where she will detonate and explode all over the board of directors.

Lucky for her, Cash (young, pre-Hackers Angelina Jolie) has a fairy godfather of the television sort in Mercy, voiced with the luscious scene chewing lips of the one and only Jack Palance. Mercy can hop into different electronic devices to communicate and gives Cash and her human trainer-turned-lover-turned-best-named-character-ever Colton Ricks plenty of help in escaping. It's no Gibson Rickenbacker , but you have to give the Cyborg series credit for having fun with its characters' names.

Side note: Colton is played by a pre-Casey Jones, still Not Chris Meloni Elias Koteas.

Pinwheel's CEO dispatches an insane bounty hunter to retrieve Cash. Enter Billy "I've Never Been In a Good Movie But I've Sure Do Work A Lot" Drago in all his slithery glory, soon to be followed by a rival female cyborg bounty hunter. I haven't even reached the Koteas vs. Drago Mortal Kombat match that determines who gets to sail away to Africa!

As you can probably guess, Cyborg 2 isn't The Godfather: Part 2, but it sure is fun. Director Michel Schroeder keeps things moving, slowing down only for your token overly emotional soft focus love scene. The action is passable and has some fun twists. The cast ranges from fine (Jolie and Koteas) to hammily enjoyable (Drago) to glorious (Oscar winner Palance). You might think you know what it means to watch movies, but let's face it: you've never really lived as an audience member until you've heard Jack Palance aggressively whisper the word, "Cyyyyyyyyborg!"

High Point to follow:

High Points

Just one year after his triumphant, one-arm-push-up celebratory City Slickers Oscar acceptance, Jack Palance plays a cyborg. That in itself is special, but the relish with which he speaks every line is precious

Low Points

It’s hard to fault a film for being too earnest, but maybe after the glory of Gangland, I just wanted a little more goof and less romance to end all time

Lessons Learned

There are worse things than cyborg envy, among them, human envy and penis envy (and most likely, cyborg penis envy)

Infections can cause complications

In addition to sex and fighting, cyborgs are also very talented at knitting scarves

Because Any Excuse To Discuss the Ann-Margret Period Sheet Episode of Law & Order: SVU Will Not Be Missed

Our coda (SPOILER ALERT) gives us a bittersweet sendoff that shows how Colt and Cash have spent decades together alone in a random square of fertile land. 

As predicted, Cash remains in her 20something hot form while Colt has aged in human years...or, more fittingly, burn victim years akin to the Mattress King in Episodee 11.18, Bedtime

Rent/Bury/Buy

Cyborg 2 won't change your worldview or cement its place in your top 10 list anytime soon, but it's a fun little ride. The film reeks of that prized early '90s action/sci-fi style so if that's your jam, this is probably your peanut butter. It's not nearly as bonkers as Canon's first Cyborg entry, but it's still enjoyable for exactly what it is. It certainly makes me eager to find Schroeder's Cyborg 3, and not just because the cast includes Malcolm McDowell, Richard Lynch, William Katt, and, um, Kato Kaelin. Review coming eventually!

Just Following Orders

During my freshman year of college, I took an introduction to psychology class and received the worst grade of my university career (B-, because I'm a NERD). Aside from crushing my self-esteem, this course instilled in me a very, very important rule to live by: 

Never be the subject that proves a terrible truth about humanity.

This class involved watching a few videos about the infamous Milgram experiments and what they might say about our tendency to accept sheep status when a leader has taken control. One of the videos followed a lesser-known and far more relatable study than the "how many electric shocks would you issue if someone in a lab coat told you to?" In this case, two people (one a control and the other the unknowing subject) were led into a room to take a written test. Just outside the door, they passed a man doing maintenance work while standing on a ladder. They were instructed to sit down, write their answers, and not to leave the room or speak with one another until the time was up.

Ten minutes into their "exam," there is a loud sound as if the man on the ladder has fallen and is moaning in pain. The control continues to take the test, making no effort to investigate. The subject seems conflicted, but ultimately follows the lead of the control and continues on course despite the screams coming just outside the door. When the same experiment is run without the control, the subject usually breaks the "rules" and checks on the individual outside.

Rorschach had his Kitty Genovese and I have this educational video to keep me in line when it comes to hive minding. I'm sure I can still be duped into submitting to authority despite my own instincts, but I try to be conscious of what I think is right if it doesn't seem to match instructions. Or maybe I just always make a point of checking on someone if I hear a crash.

My point with this rather overlong intro is not that I'm anywhere close to being a psychology expert (remember: B-) but that it's easy--so easy--to do what we're told without any kind of introspection. Today's film is about such a case, and while it's a horrifying extreme, it also really happened, and could potentially happen to all of us.

Let's see if they start showing this in intro psychology classrooms.

Quick Plot: Sarah is the manager at a ChickWich, a fast food joint filled with your typical fry grease and unmotivated minimum wage employees. Just before her Friday night shift gets busy, she receives a phone call from a policeman named Officer Daniels informing her that Becky, the pretty young cashier, has been caught stealing money from a customer's purse. Because there's more to this case than petty theft, Sarah is advised to bring Becky to the backroom and keep her in holding until the matter can be resolved.

It doesn't exactly end there. Daniels convinces Sarah that finding the stolen money will make things easier all around, leading to a strip search and confiscation of Becky's clothing. As the restaurant gets busier and busier, Sarah is forced to bring in her almost-fiance Van to help supervise Becky, something made more than a little uncomfortable by the fact that Van may have had a few beers on the way. Daniels asks a little more of Van. Since Becky fears Daniels is mounting a bigger case against her brother (who was casually mentioned on the phone call), she continues to comply with the increasingly odd demands.

Written and directed by Craig Zobel, Compliance is very closely taken from a real event that occurred in a Kentucky McDonald's a few years back (you might even remember the Law & Order: SVU episode on it, wherein Robin Williams advised 30 Rock's Pete to do some very bad things). As much as I typically cringe at an "inspired by real events" tagline, it's actually vital in this case because otherwise, it would be so easy for the audience to judge the characters and wonder why they're so accepting of the situation. It's not really any kind of a spoiler to say that Officer Daniels is no cop, that Becky never stole any money, and that Sarah is not about to be named employee of the month.

Daniels (played by the wonderful Pat Healy) is a master manipulator, and while his targets aren't necessarily the sharpest tools in the burger industry, it's completely believable to see them buy his persona without too much questioning. When you know the truth, it's easy to realize that he never names names or gives any real specifics. But every fast food joint has a 19ish year old working the counter, and if you ask her about a family member that might have trouble with the law, there's a good chance that every 19ish year old will have one of those too. That middle-aged restaurant manager will of course be incredibly cooperative if she thinks she's speaking to a policeman with her regional manager on the other line. We're eager to please those in charge. It's human nature.

Compliance is a horror movie, one that will make you cringe. It's also an incredibly important reminder that doing the right thing isn't always the same as doing what we're told. You won't feel good watching it.

High Points

There's such a mastery in Daniels' manipulation of the situation, but it's most horrific in how he's able to immediately shut Becky's protestations down and continuously make her feel small. The worst thing you can ever say to a woman is "calm down" when she's not actually overreacting, and the writing and performances so perfectly nail how such an instruction would work

I'm not in any way the first person to say this, but Ann Dowd's performance as Sarah is so achingly real that it goes a long way in making Compliance work as well as it does

Low Points

The last ten minutes or so deal a little with the aftermath, and while Sarah's arc continues to be fascinating, it feels as though the film stalls a bit in understanding how Becky has come to process the experience

Lessons Learned

You're fucked without bacon

Skinnies don't have pockets

Always check your minutes before using that calling card

Rent/Bury/Buy

Compliance is an incredibly uncomfortable film to sit through. Much like a similarly morally muddy indie gem Scalene, it presents its case and characters with such a believable realness that the entire experience is that much harder to take. This is definitely worth seeing (and is currently streaming on Instant Watch) but remember that it's not an easy ride. 

Highl-erker

Netflix Instant Watch synopsis: 

“Bloodthirsy warriors from the Middle Ages. A sexy shrink from the present. This isn't your average Viking flick.”

Sold.

Quick Plot: In Viking times, a pair of brothers named Boar (Nightbreed’s Craig Sheffer) and Barek (90210’s John Sears, plus a whole catalog of B-movies’ Paul Johnansson) decide to free Brunhilda, the witch who spurned Odin and was henceforth sentenced to a life surrounded by flames until someone pure of heart frees her. Boar tries and gets burned, while Barek succeeds and asks Brunhilda to save his beloved brother. The catch is that Boar can only be revived as a cannibalistic Berserker. 

who now totally knows how to party

Apparently, some people consider that a bad thing.

Some years later, Barek’s father makes a deal with his now disowned cannibalistic Berserker son for help defeating Erik the Red in exchange for the non-cannibalistic son’s soul. When pops refuses to honor the terms, lots of flames and witch people show up to cause some chaos. Cut to--

THE PRESENT.

Or, at least a version of the present where high ranking psychiatric professionals show up to work in skirts that would make Britney Spears blush.

Enter one of the glowing lights of the B-movie darkness, Kari Wuhrer as Anya, a psychiatrist/reincarnated Valkyrie formerly named Brunhilda. Anya has just taken charge of a mental hospital for the violently insane where a new patient has been suspended from Hellraiser-esque chains for years because, well, he’s a reincarnated Viking warrior.

Plots like these have their reviews write themselves.

Berserker: Hell’s Warrior is written and directed by a man named Paul Matthews, whose name might ring a bell if you recall my recent review of his female-centric western, Hooded Angels. Like that film, Berserker was made in scenic South Africa on what I assume had to be a fairly small budget. This is most prominent in the shoddy CGI, soundtrack that sounds borrowed from the public domain library usually raided by video games, and quality of wigs that seem to have been purchased from a Halloween sale. 

sunglasses were half price

All that being said, I’ve come to find a lot of respect for Matthews’ filmography. Maybe it’s just that I watched the laughably incompetent Hammer of the Gods recently (you can listen to my thoughts via The Feminine Critique Episode 53 here), but Berserker fared somewhat (not much) better than you’d expect a low budget Viking movie to do. It sort of stands one tier above the Asylum Studio’s output. That’s not a glowing compliment, but it gives something of an idea of what to expect.

High Points

There’s a beautiful scene where modern-times Barek and Anya hide out in a rave while being pursued by not-that-out-of-place Berserkers. The real pleasure of such a setting is that it takes me back to one of my favorite undercover storylines on Law & Order: SVU, wherein the gang pull a sting in full glowstick glory.

Low Points

I don’t know if I can properly describe how bad the CGI looks, so here:

Lessons Learned

In case you needed reminding, severed heads onscreen are always funny

Like most cats (not mine), reincarnated berserker warriors always land on their feet

A benefit of being a female Berserker is that your eyeshadow gets automatically applied when your crazy genes kick in

No matter how tight the top, how short the skirt, how tattooed the dame, a pair of glasses will sell a hot chick as a doctor with no problem

Rent/Bury/Buy

Berserker: Hell’s Warrior is streaming on Netflix, and for under 90 minutes, it’s not the worst Highlander-ish background entertainment while you file your taxes or plan your next vacation. By no means is this a good movie, but it’s entertaining in its own little way.