Worth Every Quarter

I need to find some kind of term for the kind of "credits heh?" movie that I find so often on Amazon Prime. You know what I mean: you queue up a film you know little about only to say, "heh" multiple times as names you know well show up. It's a positive turn of speech that comes from the top of your throat, not a full-out "wow", more a shortened form of "hey". In the case of 1993's Arcade, which was released by Full Moon right as I stopped renting those movies every weekend, it's a parade of incredibly important '90s faces (at least to young me).

Rayanne!

Ralphie!

OZ!

And of course, LUCAS

Quick Plot: Teenage Alex has had a rough year. It happens when you're the one to find your mother's dead body from a self-inflicted gunshot. Thankfully, she has a solid group of pals and a loyal boyfriend Greg, all of whom enjoy afterschool hours down at an arcade called Dante's Inferno.

One afternoon, the gang is excited to be part of the test audience for the less than creatively named virtual reality game Arcade. Skeptic Nick goes first and falls in love, but when Greg takes up the controls, he seems to vanish. The teens are a little distracted by the complimentary home versions to notice for a while. 

Alex senses something is wrong, especially when she takes a turn and discovers the games seems to know she's looking for Greg. Nick begrudgingly decides to do some research with her, only for them to discover the rest of their friends have been sucked into Arcade. A trip to the development headquarters yields some disturbing answers: in order to keep upping interest from a bored generation of gaming teens, the company has resorted to using human DNA. It goes as well as you think it would.

Full Moon Entertainment was probably the first film studio I knew by logo. To young video store regular Emily, its presence implied killer dolls. Was there anything better?

Released (kind of?) in 1993, Arcade feels like a far more professional production than some of the Demonic Toys offshoots that would come shortly after. Sure, the actual visuals are as dated as you'd expect, but the general video game theorizing still has relevance a lifetime later. Screenwriter David S. Goyer would go on to a far more glamorous career in the DC and Marvel universe, but as someone who usually groans when I see his name above the title, I can say with surprising confidence that this might be my new favorite of his credits. 

It's not the deepest compliment to ever say that this is top tier Albert Pyun (this is the same prolific B-movie maestro who directed Alien From LA). Still, Arcade IS good! Maybe my expectations were low, but this film had a lot of charm. The early '90s aesthetic goes pretty far, plus we have a genuinely strong young cast easily holding our interest. The ending is satisfyingly pleasant, then even MORE satisfyingly winking if you catch the Amazon Prime 'extended' version. All in all, well worth a few quarters. 

High Points

Megan Ward isn't the most dynamic of final girls, but her Alex is a believably hurting teenager, and by the end, I was fully onboard in rooting for her triumph

Low Points

90 minutes is absolutely the right length for a 1993 low budget horror movie about virtual reality gone wrong, but with a cast this stacked, it's hard not to feel like this film deserved a LITTLE more time with some character interactions and development

Lessons Learned

To sublimate is to mess up

Nothing gets executive attention like the threat of a virgin sacrifice

Any Star Trek: Next Generation fan would know: never buy anything Q is selling, even if it's free

Rent/Bury/Buy

I can acknowledge that I'm a VERY particular demographic. Arcade might not have worked for 11-year-old me, but 31 years later, it's incredibly satisfying in a fairly dumb way. Give it a go via Amazon Prime.

Tuesday Travels

Shortness isn't something that should ever be faced alone. Thankfully, friends of the Doll's House have lent their longer legs to bulk up the celebration of Year 2's Vertically Challenged Villainy. 


Over at The Death Rattle, Aaron is watching Puppet Master movies with more fury than Andre Toulon on a Nazi hunting spree and naming the Most Valuable Puppet for each. Glorious, right? Head over for his reviews of Part 1...

The Torch-fueled Part 2

The Six-Shooter vs. The Third Reich-filled Part 3

The new direction of Part 4

Part 5, where this thing happens:

And the non-numbered Part 6

Not to be left out of the Full Moon eclipse is the Direct to Video Connoisseur himself, who tackled David Schmoeller's original Puppet Master and the Tim Thomerson classic Dollman (South Bronx represent!).

Remember munchkins, if you have a site and are feeling short love, be sure to email me your links for next week's roundup. Now if you'll excuse me, my chariot awaits.

Pinnochio Sematery

Stand tall, little ones. This is YOUR month to shine, and shine you shall...even when 

you’ve been buried in a Charles Band cemetery since 2005 possessed by the Full Moon spirit circa 1991.

Quick Plot: In 1905, a young girl named Sophia survives her cruel single father with the comfort of her ugly and politically incorrect collection of dolls. When she breaks a vase during playtime, Pops punishes Sophia by forcing her to bury her friends in the backyard, a stressful little process that leads to her bumping her head and apparently, dying instantly. Rather than do something moral like call a doctor or check your pulse, Dad decides to cover Sophia with her pals as the film flashes forward a century.

New millennium, new family, still headed by a single dad (still played by the poor man’s Tim Roth, Ken Lyle). We also have self-proclaimed hottie senior Deedee and her geeky little brother Guy, a kid with a soft spot for collectibles. He happens to discover the burial ground of Sophia’s dolls on the same night Dad’s got a date and slutty big sis is having an unauthorized, uninteresting house party with the token jock jerks, blond bimbo, and good girl. In no time, the dirt-caked, vendetta-holding dollies are scurrying around the house with tiny guns loaded, jagged teeth sharpened, and stabby sticks aimed.

Doll Graveyard is a Charles Band production, a fact you can smell from the very first glimpse of Sophia’s horrifically adorable toys. Between the sweetly sleazy Blood Dolls and the tamest women-in-prison B-movie ever made that was Dangerous Worry Dolls, I’m starting to wonder if Band actually purchased all rights to the word ‘doll’ when used in films. I’ve also learned to expect a few hallmarks:

-Neat effects and unique doll designs not without their charms

-Tiny glassy eyes that rarely blink

-Questionable but generally high energy levels of acting

-Very little attempt to explain any form of backstory for the highly fantastical plotline

The final point is the oddest, as Doll Graveyard is barely 71 minutes long. And that’s including an opening credits sequence, best-of cast listing at the end, and slowest scrolling credits I’ve ever seen. It’s something of a shame that Doll Graveyard doesn’t stretch out its welcome a tad more. The body count is low and story barely there, but the dolls are as fun as anything in Band’s Puppet Master series and could have easily earned more screentime if the script gave them half a chance.

High Points

A good killer doll movie can only be as good as its own killer dolls (apologies, Cathy’s Curse) and it pleases me to say that the wrinkled Samurai, sad-eyed soldier, rotted baby and--dear me--well-hung Oogah Boogah are all interesting little creatures

Like many a Charles Band production, the instrumental score is quite grand and good

Low Points

Too many survivors is a problem I personally often cite with ‘nicer’ horror movies, but it’s especially apparent in Doll Graveyard, where we don’t really like anyone enough to need their survival, yet end the day with what feels like more characters than we started with

Lessons Learned

A samurai is also known as a hobo with a sword

Lincoln freed the slaves

When looking for your cell phone in a room that is clearly hosting a killer doll, approach with caution. Enter at normal speed, fumble through everything you see with nervous speed, but always be sure to pause, wait for the music to kick in, then reach--everrrrr sooooo sloooooooowllllllllyyyyyy--for your phone once you spot it, because clearly that’s what tension calls for

Rent/Bury/Buy

Doll Graveyard is, in its essence, a modern day Full Moon picture, meaning you can expect a certain amount of intrigue, cool kills, surprisingly well-orchestrated music, and an ultimate sense of twee. Even the most sensitive dollophobe (what are you looking at?) won’t really find anything to fear, though there’s enough to amuse certain fans .This is the kind of film that belongs on Instant Watch or tucked comfortably in a value pack, fun enough for a snow day that wasn’t or laundry folding accompaniment, but not worth a journey into your wallet.

Careful! Those are DANGEROUS Worry Dolls

In the race for smallest killer during February’s Spectacular of the Vertically Challenged Villains, Dangerous Worry Dolls just might take the nano-sized crown. That’s the good news.

Quick Plot: Meet Eva, a pretty blond single mom just trying to make it work for herself and daughter. This is mildly difficult when incarcerated in a minimum security rehabilitation penitentiary for women, a joint so vicious it’s policed by a mere two guards (one of whom would probably lose a fight with a toothpick). As Eva makes enemies of the tough girls, warden, and token sleazeballl corrections officer, we’re treated to the mildest women-in-prison film since Boot Camp.

Life changes a tad when Eva’s daughter visits with a gift in the form of a quartet of Guatemalan worry dolls, pinky sized creations that one should put under their pillow when sad. After receiving a rather hilarious implied strap-on raping, Eva tearfully tucks her little friends close to her head where one, for absolutely no explained reason whatsoever, crawls inside her ear.

The next morning, Eva is feeling refreshed and ready to face the day, hampered not even slightly by the sudden zit that developed on the center of her forehead. She’s wearing colors! (against the rules) Standing up for her mousy friend named Mouse! Sassing up the warden and acting like the meanest switchblade sister you ever didn’t see!

But what could cause such a transformation? Might it be the softball sized bump getting brighter every hour glaring from her head? It’s still smaller than the bruise I got falling off the balance beam in the fourth grade, but I don’t like to brag. Anyway, the bump proves to be something of a cuckoo clock where every so often, a skull-faced little man (a dangerous worry doll, perhaps?) pokes out to scream at a nearby soon-to-be victim of Eva’s wrath.

Dangerous Worry Dolls isn’t the best or worst Charles Band production, which is almost its main problem. The acting, for the most part, is actually quite fine, but the dialogue reads like an eighth grader’s play rather than unrated horror movie. Sure, the film makes a minor deal out of the prison being for small-time criminals, but even the lesser badasses wouldn’t try to assert their toughness with repeated warnings to “mind your own beeswax.”

High Points

A surprise breast reveal doesn’t hold a candle to Fear No Evil, but that doesn’t make it any less fun

Low Points

There are four little worry dolls and only one skull head cuckoo clock. Also, the dolls themselves pretty much do nothing. And have no history. Or explanation for why they (rather, one of they) can wield such power over one young woman. I’m grateful for a 75 minute film, but when it has no reason for happening, I have to wonder...

Lessons Learned

In prison, being someone’s bitch means you have to help sneak in their drugs. And that’s just about it

There may be no basement in the Alamo, but even the smallest women’s prison houses a sexy underground lair fully stocked with sex toys, leather masks, video cameras (product placement Sony) and open ready-to-drink bottles of red wine

Female wardens can be rather kinky

Rent/Bury/Buy

Dangerous Worry Dolls is a film that will only entertain those with a soft spot for these kinds of cheap, weirdly innocent little movies puckered with mild gore and almost laughably inserted nudity. At less than 80 minutes long, it’s a quick watch but not one worth putting effort into finding, especially since the DVD lacks a single special feature. You want a movie about Guatemalan worry dolls? This is kind of it. But let’s just say, when it comes to movies about Guatemalan worry dolls, it’s still an open playing field.

But a very tiny one. But wide open--you get my point.

The Island of Misfit (& Demonic) Toys

Ah, the early ‘90s, a time when baggy clothes were hip, 90210 was the most famous number on the playground, and my weekends were filled with free video rentals through a store credit system. More often than not, what came home in my pudgy little hands was whatever new Full Moon release had been prominently displayed.

Demonic Toys is a film I find myself thinking of quite often, yet in truth, I’ve only watched it once. Until now.

Quick Plot: A pair of inept police officers are attempting to arrest some arms dealers, but through a series of bad copping, one gets shot, a thug escapes into a toy warehouse, and the other crawls inside to drip his blood over the seal of Satanically animated dolls. The surviving cop, played by a buff and one-note Tracy Scoggins, is pregnant and pissed. The surviving thug is smarmy and mean. The Satanically animated dolls are simply incredible.

Also on call are a chubby night watchman, his nightly fried chicken delivery boy, and a teen runaway with terrible hair. None of the ragtag group is quite equipped to battle the horde of titular tot-sized evil, headed by the snarling Baby Oopsie Daisy.

As a child, I seriously feared this thing. As an adult, I semi-seriously fear this thing.

Dare I forget the whole reason for their homicide? See, 66 years ago, some demon thing tried to be reborn. Didn’t work. His horned devil corpse was carelessly tossed aside by some hungry trick-or-treaters, left to fester for decades until the blood of Thug 1 reawakened his power. His method of return is to ‘do the nasty’ with an already pregnant woman, possessing the soul of her fetus in the process.

I’ll say what you’re already thinking: the movie is amazing. And way better than A Nightmare On Elm Street V.

Generally, I’m a pretty loyal fan of Full Moon Entertainment. Witness my collection of Puppet Master action figures or my willingness to sit through the atrocity that was Netherworld. Demonic Toys is Full Moon at its finest, with some genuinely unique villains and a script that seems to care.

Sure, we get the cheese factor of a happy couple rejoicing in their pregnancy, only for the lovable lug of a soon-to-be-daddy to get gunned down less than two minutes later.  There’s gratuitous nudity involving silicone. Terrible one-liners from an evil baby doll. Two little boys (one dressed like a toy soldier) engaged in a wrestling match to determine the rebirth of Satan. One ten-year-old lip-synching as a deep Devil voice talks about ‘doing the nasty’ with his mother. A giant bear.

In other words, a whole lot to love.

High Points

A slow motion scene of the heroes shooting the heads off of rather harmless looking toys is kind of the greatest thing ever put on screen

Was that a cameo from an extra in Dolls???

Lessons Learned

It takes a whole lot to be fired from a fried chicken joint. Insulting your boss, smoking in the kitchen, and being surly to the point of insane jerk levels will not do the trick

Cinematic air conditioning vents are, on average, 18.7x more spacious than any NYC apartment

The war for domination of a woman’s womb is best played by the card game War

Rent/Bury/Buy

I was surprised by how ‘well’ Demonic Toys held up. Okay, it’s a terrible ‘90s direct-to-VHS horror movie made as much to create a franchise than scares, but hey, it’s still a find. The monsters are genuinely interesting, whether they be carnivorous jack-in-the-boxes or tricycle riding blond girls in gas masks. The movie is readily available on Instant Watch or just about any Full Moon multi-film pack. So why are you still here?

I Want to Ride My Bicycle

Not surprisingly, May is National Bike Month and even less surprisingly, that reminds me of a few good--or just entertaining--horror films.

1. And Soon the Darkness

A bicycle holiday through the French countryside sounds like a lovely idea, but the two lovely ladies at the center of Robert Fuest’s 1970 thriller have some pretty serious troubles ahead, and only part of that stems from the fact that both are wearing chafe-inducing hot pants. After a cranky are-we-there-yet squabble, the good girl Jane and flirty Cathy go their separate ways and a mysterious underwear thief pops latter’s bicycle tires. Yes, that’s literal, but let it lead your mind down a much darker path and enjoy this tense little cat-and-mouse tale unwind.

2. Demonic Toys

In the early 1990s, one could always count on Full Moon Entertainment to deliver something entertaining to VCRs across the country. Enter Demonic Toys, a messy--albeit enjoyable--horror featuring foul-mouthed baby dolls, hungry jack-in-the-boxes, satanic rituals, and, most relevant, rude little blond girls in gas masks on tricycles. Yes, that last part does send a significant chill upon first glance (particularly if, like me, you’re a tad uncomfortable around...you know...little blond girls in gas masks on tricycles) and like most Full Moon films, the scares don’t quite take themselves seriously long enough to merit any lasting effect but still...rude little blond girls in gas masks on tricycles. 

3. The Shining

Is it possible to walk through an antiquated motel with ugly carpeting and long hallways and NOT find yourself bemoaning the absence of a hot cycle? It just seems like the best possible mode of transportation to help navigate a haunted mansion. Maybe not the fastest escape from drunk daddy and his ax, but at least it takes you back to childhood. 

4. 2001: A Space Odyssey

Who knew Stanley Kubrick was such a bike enthusiast? Witness his second (or chronologically first, but set in the then-future, so...you get the idea) foray into bike horror in a more conceptional manner with 2001. The idea of tandem bicycles is already a tad unsettling--something about romantic exercise in a weirdly long vehicle just seems off to me--so hearing H.A.L. sing so coldly about “A bicycle built for two” in his dying cyber breaths lands on already chilled ears. Especially when you picture a lovely lass named Daisy riding a two-seater with a surly computer. The visual is a challenge in itself. 

5. The Wizard of Oz

Jaws. Darth Vader. The Wicked Witch of the West.

All supervillains. All equipped with incredibly iconic musical themes that speak to the very terror they instill in children, drunken sailors, Jedis, and Munchkins. Though it’s Mrs. Gulch--not the green-faced sorceress--who spends an extended time on a banana seat, children of all ages (and of all generations for 60+ years) have felt the hairs stand up on their trembling arms when those fast-paced notes blow by like a biker caught in a tornado. After all, this is a woman who wanted to kill one of cinema’s most efficient mutts!

6. The Toxic Avenger

Hey kids, tired of your mom forcing an ugly, socially unacceptable bike helmet on your sensitive adolescent head? Throw a little Troma her way and help yourself in the process with this 1984 splatter classic, wherein naughty drunk driving teens make serious sport out of running over pedestrians and cyclists. The best victim? A passing preteen (double points) whose safety gear can’t protect his noggin from the heavy skidmarks of a full-speed tire.

7. Maximum Overdrive

So a comet is nearing your planet and anything running on electricity wants to kill you. Hope you got a 10 speed! Because how else can you escape a clown-faced mack truck, determined lawnmower, and homicidal soda machine shooting out Pepsi cans as if they were bullets? The very thought makes me want to sign up for spin class in order to prepare.

8. Uzumaki

Ah, the innocence of young love, perfectly captured in Higuchinsky’s surreal J-thriller by an amorous couple’s daily bike rides through the town. The makings of a lovely relationship expected to bloom into prom dances and tenuous hand-holding...if only it wasn’t for the village-wide infection that renders residents suicidal or snail-like. 

9. In the Mouth of Madness

It was a dark and lonely night on the highway heading into Hobb’s End, and though he may have conquered T-Rexes and played the antichrist, even Sam Neill got skittish when a John Carpenter lookalike in washed-out denim peddles by in the wee hours of a haunted morning. 

10. Prince of Darkness

Despite an assumed short wind from years of chain smoking, I think we can safely assume John Carpenter appreciates a pleasant bike ride from time to time.  Witness this 1987 horror, the second entry in his loose Apocalypse trilogy, wherein a homeless Alice Cooper uses half a bicycle for a casual back alley impalement. 

11. Pee-Wee's Big Adventure

Not necessarily horrific, but the inclusion of sharp-fanged clowns with suspect medical degrees is enough to terrify anyone, and considering their main motive in Tim Burton's classic 1985 film is to destroy the coolest bicycle ever to grace the silver screen, I'd say they more than earn a place in this list.