Sunday, December 5, 2010

The Island of Misfit (& Demonic) Toys


Ah, the early ‘90s, a time when baggy clothes were hip, 90210 was the most famous number on the playground, and my weekends were filled with free video rentals through a store credit system. More often than not, what came home in my pudgy little hands was whatever new Full Moon release had been prominently displayed.
Demonic Toys is a film I find myself thinking of quite often, yet in truth, I’ve only watched it once. Until now.
Quick Plot: A pair of inept police officers are attempting to arrest some arms dealers, but through a series of bad copping, one gets shot, a thug escapes into a toy warehouse, and the other crawls inside to drip his blood over the seal of Satanically animated dolls. The surviving cop, played by a buff and one-note Tracy Scoggins, is pregnant and pissed. The surviving thug is smarmy and mean. The Satanically animated dolls are simply incredible.
Also on call are a chubby night watchman, his nightly fried chicken delivery boy, and a teen runaway with terrible hair. None of the ragtag group is quite equipped to battle the horde of titular tot-sized evil, headed by the snarling Baby Oopsie Daisy.

As a child, I seriously feared this thing. As an adult, I semi-seriously fear this thing.

Dare I forget the whole reason for their homicide? See, 66 years ago, some demon thing tried to be reborn. Didn’t work. His horned devil corpse was carelessly tossed aside by some hungry trick-or-treaters, left to fester for decades until the blood of Thug 1 reawakened his power. His method of return is to ‘do the nasty’ with an already pregnant woman, possessing the soul of her fetus in the process.

I’ll say what you’re already thinking: the movie is amazing. And way better than A Nightmare On Elm Street V.
Generally, I’m a pretty loyal fan of Full Moon Entertainment. Witness my collection of Puppet Master action figures or my willingness to sit through the atrocity that was Netherworld. Demonic Toys is Full Moon at its finest, with some genuinely unique villains and a script that seems to care.
Sure, we get the cheese factor of a happy couple rejoicing in their pregnancy, only for the lovable lug of a soon-to-be-daddy to get gunned down less than two minutes later.  There’s gratuitous nudity involving silicone. Terrible one-liners from an evil baby doll. Two little boys (one dressed like a toy soldier) engaged in a wrestling match to determine the rebirth of Satan. One ten-year-old lip-synching as a deep Devil voice talks about ‘doing the nasty’ with his mother. A giant bear.

In other words, a whole lot to love.
High Points
A slow motion scene of the heroes shooting the heads off of rather harmless looking toys is kind of the greatest thing ever put on screen

Was that a cameo from an extra in Dolls???
Lessons Learned
It takes a whole lot to be fired from a fried chicken joint. Insulting your boss, smoking in the kitchen, and being surly to the point of insane jerk levels will not do the trick
Cinematic air conditioning vents are, on average, 18.7x more spacious than any NYC apartment

The war for domination of a woman’s womb is best played by the card game War
Rent/Bury/Buy
I was surprised by how ‘well’ Demonic Toys held up. Okay, it’s a terrible ‘90s direct-to-VHS horror movie made as much to create a franchise than scares, but hey, it’s still a find. The monsters are genuinely interesting, whether they be carnivorous jack-in-the-boxes or tricycle riding blond girls in gas masks. The movie is readily available on Instant Watch or just about any Full Moon multi-film pack. So why are you still here?

6 comments:

  1. I don't think I've seen this even though I own multiple Full Moon box sets. Looks good, thanks! BTW, cinematic air conditioning vents are also 100% cleaner than the real deal (and highly polished too!). I was working at a business office demo site years ago, and the amount of mouse poo that rained down when they tore out the duct work was phenomenal. They are are one step up hygienically from Tim Robbins' escape pipe in Shawshank.

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  2. I loved Demonic Toys when I was a kid too. I specifically remember watching it in my dungeon basement/bedroom with my boy, and all we did was laugh. For the record, Baby Oopsie Daisy had us rolling the hardest.

    Coincidentally, I rewatched it for the first time a few months back and still really enjoyed it. It's a little slow to start, but it's still so very entertaining. That entire scene with the rent-a-cop is hysterical beyond belief!

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  3. Ewwwww Shiftless! But hey, makes complete sense!

    Matt: I love the fact that as a boy, you had a dungeon. And mocked Baby Oopsie Daisy while I feared him.

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  4. I'm like, 99.9% sure this is the evil toy flick I saw as a kid, has been on my mind since, and never knew the name of or where to find it!

    And all you had to mention was bad one-liners and nudity. I know, not very specific but trust me, a kid remembers those things.

    I will watch this soon. Thanks for the Instant Watch heads up.

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  5. Demonic Toys had a few random sequels and tie-ins (Dollman vs. Demonic Toys, the atrocious Corey Feldmen starring Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys) but the monsters are always pretty memorable, so I wouldn't be surprised if this is a gem from your childhood. I'd love to see how it holds up for you!

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  6. jervaise brooke hamsterDecember 11, 2010 at 1:00 PM

    I want to bugger Tracy Scoggins (as she was in 1971 when she was 18, not as she is now obviously).

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