Santa Rooney!

One of the truest tragedies of the ‘90s had to be the sudden death of the Silent Night, Deadly Night franchise. Few other horror series managed such an odd mix of seasonal sleaziness and utter awfulness to the point of comedy gold. The first two films will remain classics of a different era, one where a great movie could be made pieced entirely from scenes of its predecessor, mixed gloriously with some of the worst acting (though to be fair, best by eyebrows) in cinema history. Part 3 was something of a bore, while Brian Yuzna’s followup offered something new, if imperfect. 

So with the hot chocolate cooling, I finally sat down to rewatch, after a decade and a half, Silent Night Deadly Night 5: The Toymaker.

Quick Plot: Like so many Christmas themed horror movies, a young boy briefly watches his parents get it on. That’s just foreplay for a mysterious Christmas gift from a stranger, one that shirtless dad has the unluck of opening, being facehugged by, and strategically eye-impaled on a firepoker. 

No wonder why some people hate the holidays.

Little Derek (the toy soldier from Demonic Toys, boo yah!) catches the kid from Scrooged’s disease wherein such a traumatic event has left him mute. Newly single mom Sarah does what she can to cheer up her kid, even going so far as to take him to the local toy shop run by Joe Petto (get it? really, do you?) and his awkward teenage son.

Oh, and Joe is played by The Manipulator himself, Mickey Rooney.

Meanwhile, a self-inflicted mysterious man named Noah enters the picture, buying Petto’s toys and conducting Jack Skellington-like experiments to trace their evil. Sure, he also causes the death of his landlord and terrifies Derek with an awful mall Santa gig, but since he’s the best looking male onscreen, we can at least count on his wavy brown locks to see us and our women and children through to the end.

There are, of course, a few California Christmas-related side notes. Neith Hunter, who savvy viewers may remember as the bewitched lead in SIlent Night Deadly Night 4, pops in as Sarah’s neighbor, occasionally offering knowing remarks with hints to how “You would not believe the things I’ve been through.” This comes right before her bratty baggy pants wearing teen son nearly explodes from some mischievous roller blades, which is slightly fabulous. Even Clint Howard stops by in an all-too brief cameo. Also of note is a horny couple that proves why parents should simply never hire teenage babysitters and why horny babysitters should never expect to survive an evening of consummated affection.

High Points

For a movie that was clearly heading straight to video, you reallly have to admire the playful score, which subtly calls up fitting musical themes for its death scenes, including an Egyptian-style toot for a snake kill and an almost Psycho-esque staccato for a water pistol shooting

The full reveal of the main villain is nicely bizarre and rather icky

Low Points

Perhaps it was some budgetary restraints, but there's something about this film that feels so ...small. Aside from a handful of main characters, we never see the killer toys cause any real mayhem on strangers. Even the fact that Noah has a connection to Sarah and Derek, and yet also *happens* to be investigating Joe Petto is in itself a seemingly easy way to keep costs low by confining all conflict to our leads.

Lessons Learned

It's perfectly normal for a child to never speak again after witnessing the horrific and bizarre death of his father

Not all kids are asking for Larry the Larvae crawling toys, especially when they're known to cause fatal car accidents

In the 1990s, California shopping malls employed one dozen workers at a time to man the Santa/Elf station

Rent/Bury/Buy

It’s a shame Silent Night, Deadly Night 5 doesn’t have any special features, as it’s a surprisingly interesting little Christmas movie and easily one of the best of its series. Sure, that’s not saying a whole lot when your biggest competition is Garbage Day!, but The Toymaker is a strange watch, filled with passable performances and some groovy kills.