The Greatest Movie Since Gangland

Of all the movie monsters lurking in the vaults of your local horror section, mummies tend to fare the worst. Perhaps any sense of terror was destroyed by The Monster Squad, which reminded us that essentially, those ancient Egyptian beings are really just a mega Price Club pack of toilet paper draped over the 6’ frames of lumbering moaners.

Hence, I didn’t expect to be frightened by 2005’s 7 Mummies. I also didn’t expect to be so giddily entertained.

Quick Plot: A pair of prospectors (maybe) uncover a box of gold (not chocolate) coins, smiling through squinty sunlight only to then get sliced up by a shadow on horseback. Cut to a lone tarantula crawling over the desert as extended opening credits roll. 

Stock footage can go a very, very long way.

Now to our main characters, a van filled with prisoners in transit and their two inept police guards. The cons shoot one and make a hostage out of the other, mostly because she’s a hot female and they maybe have plans to do something with that. “Something” means nothing really, though the grizzled ringleader does beat up one of the lesser cons who attempts to rape her. So I guess they’re good guys, except they’re also supposed to be jerks with intense criminal records. It’s all quite confusing.

Anyway, much like that fine Tales From the Crypt episode of decades past, the crew starts hoofing it through the desert under the hungry eyes of vultures. There they meet Apache, a giggling and talkative Native American played by none other than Danny Trejo. He laughs. A lot. And if you’re human, you will probably laugh too.

A lot.

Eventually, they reach a ghost town populated by extras wearing whatever was in the studio’s costume closet marked “Old West.” Oh, and Billy Drago, who has an unhealthy amount of fun as a preacher-y town sheriff. He also gets about 2 minutes worth of maniacal laughter, probably to ensure in his contract that he would be getting the same treatment as Danny Trejo. Trejo, however, gets the last laugh of the film because for whatever reason (really there’s none), 7 Mummies ends with a flashback to Trejo...laughing.

I realize this review is making little sense, but I can only work with the material given to me. I’m not a magician--hahahahahahahahhhaaaaaaaahaaaaaahahahahahahaaaacoughcough

Sorry. I just felt left out.

Right, so in the Old Westy saloon, the cons get their grind on with a bunch of free, well-groomed, and artificially busty prostitutes. Billy Wirth, looking exactly the same as he did 20 years ago (i.e., exactly like Luke Wilson today) does not grind though. He has to look serious, because that’s how Billy Wirth rolls. Also, he might be hitting on the female corrections officer named Lacey, which is about the least believable name for a highly unbelievable corrections officer ever laughed out loud.

The hookers are vampires, or something. And there’s hidden gold that the grizzled con leader really wants to find, even though it might mean releasing kung fu flying mummies. 

Yes, that was not an impressive typo. This movie has KUNG FU FLYING MUMMIES. And they’re dressed like Jawas.

Also, a guy that shoots himself in the foot while arguing with the sun. And a race between a motorcycle and horse that rages from night to day to a different dimension. Oh, and best of all, a rumored $5 million budget that explains where that tarantula footage came from.

High Points

Any film that ends with an extended “Noooooooooooooooo!” will instantly earn four stars from me (maybe that’s why I didn’t like The Fighter?)

Low Points

I’m not asking for character development in a film that features KUNG FU FLYING MUMMIES, but when you have the chance to play with prisoners as your antiheroes, why not take advantage of that by making them actually tough or interesting? 

Lessons Learned

Breast implants, tattoos, and hoop earrings were popular choices for 1880s saloon prostitutes

Your first and last drink are always free. You should have no reason whatsoever though to think that there’s any relationship between the two

Time traveling in the desert happens sometimes, so there’s really no point in spending any time considering the fact that you’ve just time traveled

Rent/Bury/Buy

7 Mummies is a film I’d compare to Gangland, that kickboxing block of cheese that tried hard, just never at anything that would make it a good movie. At around 80 minutes, it’s an easy bit of fun on Instant Watch that makes for a giggly good time unworthy of even .3% of your brain cells. Queue it up with some liquor or friends and laugh maniacally like the cult movie character actor you know you want to be.