Escalator Kisses

When a non-filmish friend starts talking about a terrifying ‘80s horror involving The World’s Scariest Escalator Scene of All Time, it becomes my duty to seek it out. No cinema civilian is supposed to know something about movies that I don’t!

Hence, 1988's The Kiss.

Quick Plot: A pair of sisters are separated as teenagers in Africa, one of whom goes on to live a normal life with her father while the other gets possessed by the ancient vampiric spirit of the woman charged with watching her. Them’s the breaks!

Flash forward 25 years or so (I don’t know that the math makes great sense) where older sis is a Catholic housewife with a randy husband and sensible teenage daughter named Amy, played by Meredith Salenger (who will always be known as one of my childhood heroines, Natty Gann). As Amy makes her confirmation to a kickass pool party, mom gets a phone call form long lost sister Felice and shortly thereafter, is smashed to death by a truck. Actually, it's more a smashing, then eventual and hilarious loss of leg. Hard to describe, but it's more wonderful than whatever Natty Gann is staring at in the picture below:

A few months later, Amy and her dad are trying to move on when Aunt Felice comes to town in a swirl of chic scarves. She’s something of a sexpot, you see, with one of those exotic accents that tickle men’s funny parts and cause women all around to narrow their eyes with justifiable suspicions. Little by little, Amy discovers that yes indeed, Auntie Cool is some form of horny vampire who can put unusual curses on any mere mortal whose possessions are taken.

This is where The Kiss has its fun and for most nostalgic viewers, leaves the lasting memories. Felice makes some voodoo magic on any of Amy’s pals who seem mildly threatening, including her mallrat best friend (in the aforementioned and understandably memorable escalator scene) and prospective beau, a ponty-tailed, sports jacket over button-up denim wearing mall bakery employee--and yes, there is a LOT of mallage in The Kiss--whose main character quirk is his constant habit of losing his stud. Stud Muffin (because what else can we call him?) gets the pleasure of meeting Felice’s trusted pet, a Fizgig-like Critter thing that likes to bite people’s faces, then back away and scream. It’s adorable.

As is The Kiss, when you think about it. The film is practically watermarked with its 1988 date, from the horrendous fashion choices cursed upon every character to the evil stepmother storyline and possession sprinkles. With a few impressive sequences withstanding, it doesn’t really hold up as a ‘scary’ movie, but I’d be dropping my stud if I didn’t say I I enjoyed it.

High Points

There’s some pretty neat and creative FX at work, with fun, possibly Final Destination inspirational death traps and gooey creature designs during the film’s finale 

Low Points

This was never meant to be Citizen Kane, but there is something off about the basic story pacing of The Kiss. The constant time flash forwards are a tad jarring, and much of the plot development seems to have no real calendar to give us any sort of time context

Lessons Learned

When your nanny introduces herself to your 11 year old daughter with the offer that she is going to teach her how to flirt with doctors, you may want to intervene before she also possesses her body

Oversized sweaters with full body bald eagle prints will drive the male mall crowd WILD

Leopard print, tiger stripes, why choose?

If you’re having difficulty escaping a demonic swimming pool, perhaps you should try moving one foot away to this wacky new contraption call ‘a ladder’

Rent/Bury/Buy

The Kiss is no lost ‘80s gem, but it sure is a good time, particularly for those of and near my generation whose hearts simply soften a few spots when our noses smell hairspray. The DVD is sadly sans extras, so a casual rental should satisfy your curiosity with a few smiles.