Monday, April 18, 2011

And the biggest non-spoiled issue of Screfourem is...

quite hair raising

Hayden Panettiere sports one of the oddest cinematic hairdos since Whitney Able in Monsters or well, Courteney Cox in Scream 3

We will never forget
It's not that this attractive young actress can't handle a crop. She has a lovely little face that could easily pull off a pixie cut, but what part of common sense was her stylist lacking when he/she decided to keep the front pieces long enough that they required the strange tie-back? It's baffling and frankly, the scariest sight I've seen on the big screen since that dancing dwarf thing rocked out to Tiny Tim in Insidious.
While we're on the subject of hair, allow me to raise a second point of contention: Woodsboro's severe lack of scrunchies. Does NO ONE in this town own a Goody pack of hair ties?
Well, Marley Shelton’s Deputy Judy does, but note how she uses bobby pins to keep most of her ponytail back, yet fashionably keeps large grown-out bang strands in her face the entire film. Sure, they're blond and therefore light enough to generally see through, but doesn't an officer of the law have more important things to worry about than constantly blowing those angles out of her eyes? No wonder her lemon squares taste like rumps (paraphrased from Gale Weathers-Riley's potty mouth).

These are the details that can sometimes prevent me from loving a film. Prime flip side example: The Running Man. There Maria Conchita Alonso is, sweating in spandex and fighting for her life. Her rich dark locks sure look lovely flowing through underground hockey rinks, but what crosses this film into successful four-star territory is that choice her character makes to grab that mane, twist it around and efficient prevent it from becoming a stalker's easy handle.

Apologies for the HairCare PSA. I just sometimes find it necessary to shout out the truth.

Oh and Scream 4

I liked it.
I suppose I could go into a deeper analysis on what the Scream franchise has meant to me and my generation of horror fans, but many a blogger has done that over the last few weeks. Scream 4 (or Scre4m, which doesn’t really make sense because Screfourem sounds more like an algebra equation or mild infection than horror film) is not in any ways a perfect film. Some of the dialogue gets clunky. The kills are repetitive, since there’s apparently only so many things you can do with a kitchen knife that doesn't involve stabbing or slicing assy lemon squares. Gale and Dewey's relationship feels sad and leaves me pondering what a now unemployed big city reporter-turned-suburban housewife has been doing for ten years (answer: lots of Botox). 

A meta line about cheating makes me feel uncomfortable. The apparent eternal youth of Sidney Prescott (who looks EXACTLY THE SAME) makes me wonder if either a) Neve Campbell started sharing Vanna White's virgin blood moisturizer or b) Neve Campbell has just always looked 30. And finally, we're introduced to the emptiest hospital since 28 Days Later, where I beg any and all of you to never end up in because through screaming, pulled monitors, power outages and gunshots, no staff member will dare pass by to check on your status.
All that aside, Screfourem was a fun theatrical experience, particularly in the company of a full audience that jumps and shouts in all the right places. I won't delve into any spoilers here, but I do thoroughly recommend the film to anyone that considers themselves a fan of the franchise. It doesn't come near matching the freshness of the original or wit of part 2, but it knows enough to still be a horror movie (unlike the goofy 3) while getting with the times and satirically playing with the modern tropes and cliches of the genre as it stands in the 21st century. 

Is it everything someone who used to have Scream memorized was living for? Not quite. Is it a good time and $13 well spent? Absolutely.

Now about that hair...


  1. Hayden's hairstyle reminds me of Amy Pohler's when she's spoofing Hilary Clinton.

  2. I wish I could solve the hair riddle. I can only assume the director wasn't really paying attention...lots to think about besides a 'do. The make up person made an executive decision.

    Don't know if I'll rush out to see this...but might check it out when it hits cable. All the Scream movies have been "cable or video" films for me. They're fun as hell to chill on the couch with.

    I have a feeling part 4 will be the same thing.

  3. When it comes to the Scream films, I'm just too close to them to chance hearing any spoilers. I look forward to hearing your eventual thoughts though!

  4. I spent 9 dollars, thanks.

    And I actually like not-so-little-anymore Hayden's new do. It's very Brigette Nielsen 80's.

    True, it was fun seeing it with a group. But unfortunately it felt like deja vu. A stinky, unimaginative, repetitive deja vu. I don't know why I was expecting something familiar yet original. I need to stop making my standards so damn high.

    This will only result in Scary Movie 17...

  5. Stop spelling it Screfourem. It makes my eyes bleed! And yes, the most emptiest of hospitals ever. Maybe Mike Myers got to 'em first? Cross-over time!

  6. Pff. Cheapo Pennsylvanians! Sorry you didn't enjoy it Ashlee. I will say my standards were pretty low and while I did have beef with some of the decisions, I just found myself grinning. Not necessarily laughing out loud or screaming, but sufficiently pleased.

    And PoT, I can't! That's how the POSTER does it! And it rolls off the tongue the more you practice saying it. As for the hospital, I couldn't not think about Halloween II the whole time. There were GUN SHOTS for crying out loud!

  7. My theory is that it is a requirement of every Scream movie to have someone with awful hair- it just adds to the experience. Of course, as you mentioned the worst offender was Gale Weathers in Scream 3. Scream 2 had Portia De Rossi's strange eyebrows, and Scream had... ummm.... Skeet Ulrich's super-greasy hair (which I loved back in the day when Scream came out). Hayden Panettiere's do is just a continuation of the tradition.

  8. I think that's a fantastic theory Emily (C.). Scream 1 had Rose McGowan's forced braided pigtails, plus Gale's VERY '90s blond streaks and Drew Barrymore's intense little bob wig. Not nearly as bad as Portia's Scream 2 eyebrows of course, but clearly a precedent was set.