Clarissa Explains Why It Sucks

Oh, Saw. You’re such an influential little franchise, aren’t you? Between popularizing torture porn (and all the debates that come with it) and giving me reasons to post serious photos of Costas Mandylor looking smarmy, you somehow found the time to birth knockoffs produced by and starring Sabrina, the Teenaged Witch.

That’s impressive. I work full-time, speak on a podcast to which my cohostess does all the tech work for, keep two mentally challenged cats alive, and write this blog and those busybee activities are enough to excuse me from ever cooking, cleaning, or do my own laundry more than once a month.

That was a tangent, yes, but Nine Dead is a rather awful film that, if nothing else, merits such detours. The movie does it itself by teasing us with the credit of “Daniel Baldwin” in the opening list, giving the (admittedly lesser) super brother an early line, then proceeding without his further involvement, thus leading the audience to occasionally wonder when bored (i.e., often) if he’s ever coming back.

Quick Plot: Nine strangers of various obnoxiousness are kidnapped by a masked man disguised as a knockoff performer for the Blue Man Group. In a deep, vaguely familiar of a much better television show voice, our mysterious mastermind explains that he has gathered these people in a Jigsaw-leased basement for a very specific reason. When the group figures out exactly what that is, they will be free to go home. In the meantime, Not Blue Man will return to kill one person every 10 minutes.

And so, like so many films before it, Nine Dead gives us a batch of unlikable characters shouting at each other for 90 minutes. Nobody really stands out, but I did wisely record them by type: White Guy, Lax Christian Guy Conveniently Named Christian, Chinese Woman,  Greasy Loan Shark Strip Club Keeper, Priest, Sweater Vest, Child Molester, Sabrina, and Black Guy Who Accuses All the Others of Being Racist, Yet Makes Me Have to Refer to Him As ‘Black Guy’ Because He Refuses To Tell the Others His Name For 30 Minutes.

There’s a lot of arguing, mini revelations, and dull red herrings that seem to exist more to pad the running time than add insight to character or story. Hearing Melissa Joan Hart recount her past trauma of sexual abuse is probably supposed to garner her some last minute character depth, but considering I had spent the previous hour hoping her name was next on the death list, I just didn’t care. The final revelation--no spoilers, I promise--isn’t overly far-fetched, but it’s also not very interesting. Much like the entire film itself.

High Points

The fact that the character I first dubbed ‘Stache proved to be a child molester allowed me to then alter his name to the catchy and convenient ‘Molestache’

Low Points

A sample of why some of this film’s writing is atrocious: 

“Hail Mary, full of grace, the lord is...the lord is...DAMN! I can’t remember the rest!”  moans Christian. 

I’m not complaining about a character praying in a time of need or forgetting the words, but if you think logically, most people memorize these kinds of chants by line, not each individual word. Would anybody really forget “with thee?” No, they would forget the next verse.

While any attempt at creative killing would have further drawn the Saw rip-off criticism, gunshots to the chest just aren’t that interesting, especially by the ninth shot

Lessons Learned

A math quiz: You must connect 9 people (6 of whom are deceased) in order to survive. Ff there is a 30% chance that you will be shot dead in 10 minutes and a 70% chance that someone else with information will be shot in 10, followed by a 50% chance that you will be shot in 20 plus a 50% chance that someone else with key information will be killed instead,  and a 100% certainly that you will die in 30 if you haven't figured convoluted plotting out, then how stupid are you for allowing the annoying DA to slowly tell her dramatic rape story, complete with inconsequential details about her feelings of power?

Never underestimate the importance of mastering the game of Pictionary

When planning on raping a spunky DA, remember to keep your baseball equipment out of reach

Rent/Bury/Buy

Eh. Instant Watch or not, there’s hardly anything in Nine Dead worth recommending. Not exploitive enough for trashy fun and nowhere near suspenseful for an actual good viewing. I imagine digging into Daniel Baldwin’s imdb catalog will yield something more interesting. Let’s see:

Yup. Lots better to choose from.