Monday, January 19, 2015

Lessons Learned, Year Six!

Tradition is not something I uphold lightly. Most of that comes from the fact that I'm an extremely disorganized person who sometimes forgets what season it is so really, annual activities are asking quite a lot. Nevertheless, there are three things this blog vows to do every year:

1. Reserve the month of February for movies devoted to vertically challenged villains

2. List my best-of-the-movies-I've-reviewed-this-year near the blog's anniversary

and for you, most importantly

3. Provide my darling readers with a list of the most important life lessons gleaned from the films I've covered here over the past 365 days. Thusly, let's get on with it:

The Culinary Arts
It's better to pay more than to go on a vegetarian diet -- Omnivores

Whiskey + gin = ginsky, and well, it's not good -- A Lonely Place To Die 

Shots solve everything! -- Contracted 

The best way to jump start a broken down vehicle is to be rear-ended -- Crowsnest 

Never drive on a quarter a tank of gas. You'll come to regret it when chasing dinosaurs on the streets of LA -- Age of Dinosaurs 

Web MD, Doll’s House Style
DIY brain surgery is not nearly as difficult as it sounds -- Antisocial 

It's incredibly easy to give CPR to druidic priestesses -- Idle Hands 

The hotter the nurse, the less effective the local anesthetic -- 13 Sins  

Wonders of Science
Potassium alum is the secret to tanning human skin -- In My Skin 

Wide lens flashlights are great, but apparently, night vision on your 20 pound videocamera held is far superior -- Atrocious 

The Supernatural
Ghosts are extremely fast adapters to today's Apple technology -- Haunter 

Ghosts smell like rancid meat or REALLY bad farts (pic) -- The Conjuring 

Worldwide Customs
In mystery European land where everyone has their own accent, barbecues are generally held in chilly weather that requires autumn jackets -- Stevie

People from LA know their nipple clamps while people in Oregon know how to light an entire roomful of candles in just 60 seconds -- Body of Evidence

Know your Australian folk songs. Love your Australian folk songs. -- Wolf Creek 2 

Toy Stories
Rhode Island Reds are the manliest of dollhouses -- Insidious: Chapter 2 

Toy Story-esque robot baby-head creations can be useful in a home invasion, but equipping one with a two-way radio should definitely be included in the next prototype -- The Purge 

The Job Market
Contrary to popular thought, getting a suicidal limbo-stuck slave to do your bidding is not easy -- The Prophecy 

The Human Male 
Guys only cry when they go to Cooperstown -- The Skeptic

Post-Apocalyptic Preparation
In case of apocalypse, be sure to wear layers -- Im Not Jesus Mommy

Meals served that shouldn't be appetizing, but somehow made me hungry included canned peaches seasoned with nutmeg and the crunchy joys of uncooked lasagna noodles coated in Crisco -- Dead Within 

The Art of Escape
Always keep a sack of pennies on you. They might cause you to run with a limp and almost get caught by clumsy martians or schoolteachers, but it's worth it -- Invaders From Mars 

Crutches have some pretty nifty use when you happen to be thrown into a cruel and unusual race to the death -- The Human Race 

Group Think
Splitting up is the number one way to get pack raped -- Mine Games 

Always listen to your crazy elderly neighbors. Because if you can't trust your crazy elderly neighbors to deliver important exposition, who can you trust? -- The Haunting of Helena 

When traveling with a group of friends on a mysterious mission, resist the urge to take an adorable group photo just before takeout unless you want it to be prime motivation for an evil force to focus upon how happy you are before inevitable doom -- Devil’s Pass 

English Class
If and only if you are scientist, it is pronounced 'piranya' -- Piranha

Money Saving Tips
If you’re confined to one secluded house that gets no cellular reception, you’re probably better off just canceling your iPhone plan and saving on the unused minutes -- Curse of Chucky 

You don’t need a phone if you don’t have friends to talk to -- Tormented 

The first thing you do with a lot of money is screw some broad with big boobs -- Kidnapped 

Relationship Advice
It takes two to tarot  -- Frightmare

Just because your drug dealer throws out terms like pre-war German expressionism does not mean he's a standup gentleman -- Alyce Kills 

It’s proper etiquette to sheathe one’s sword before surrender -- The Sinful Nuns of St. Valentine 

The Art of Seduction
When in doubt, never forget the powers of a sexy saxophone score -- Poison Ivy 

The night of her mom's funeral is generally not the best time to ask a girl out for a casual date -- We Are What We Are 

A sudden turn-on to the bones of young children is generally not a good portent for your relationship -- The Iron Rose 

Basic Survival 101
Don’t ever try to eff with Peter Cushing. Not only can he slit your throat with those cheekbones, but he also most likely has supernatural control over everything he touches and will ensure you suffer a grisly comeuppance -- From Beyond the Grave

Always bury a useful treasure. You just never know when you’ll need that junior pocket knife in the wilderness -- Black Rock 

Little Known History
Computer imagery enhancement was at its peak in 1994 -- My Soul To Take 

Makeup in the Old West held up amazingly well to the elements -- Gallowwalkers 

Social Media For the Modern Age
Kindergarten teachers in Not-New York City prefer to use professional headshots for their Facebook profile pictures -- Faces In the Crowd

YOU Be the Detective
A big pair of sunglasses is all you really need to trail a car unnoticed -- Here Comes the Devil 

The Challenges of Growing Up
The only thing worse than being jug faced by your friend, whipped by your dad, and impregnated and abandoned by your brother is having Sean Young for your mom -- Jug Face  

Trust the cave. I mean, it's trying to kill you in all sorts of horribly painful ways, but still,just trust it -- Sanctum

Friends don’t let their brilliant, daring, and one-of-a-kind scientists not keeping great records of their illegal research drive irresponsibly--The Wasp Woman 

Haute Couture 
People in fashion should own boots -- The Sacrament 

Everything You Need To Know About Mummy Theme Park Safety
Jars of dangerous acid are thankfully labeled 'dangerous acid' in mummy theme parks -- The Mummy Theme Park 

Current Affairs
The white slavery industry has been ruined by too many enthusiastic amateurs -- Killer’s Moon

The Most Important Piece of Advice You Can Ever Remember
Never forget: just when it all gets quiet and peaceful, BEARS -- The Last Days 


  1. Congrats on six great years of the Dollhouse and all the other great stuff you bring to the cult cinema community!!