Monday, January 18, 2016

The Most Educational Post You'll Get All Year

It’s a new year! Here at the Doll's House, we celebrate such a fact by reviewing some of the many lessons learned over these past 365 days. Take notes!

Culinary Arts
You’re fucked without bacon -- Compliance

Cook a rat in a little vinegar and it’s just fine -- Rats: Nights of Terror 

Always use whole milk when making blueberry muffins -- The Happy House 

One must first apply the batter before throwing your french toast on the griddle --Honeymoon 

Arts, Language, & Literature
The word “everything” means the universe of all things -- The Ghosts of Spoon River 

As far as poets go, Blake’s a badass -- Kristy

World History
The French Revolution could have been avoided if Louis XVI partied like Joan Crawford -- Berserk! 

Climbing the Corporate Ladder
Never beat your boss in chess. You’ll probably be rewarded by being pushed into a den of man-eating cats -- Night of a 1000 Cats 

International Relations
The real problem with Americans is that they don’t play rugby -- Spring

Things you won’t find in Scotland: network signals, working electricity, traffic, bears -- The Blood Lands 

A German sense of humor is no laughing matter -- Random Acts of Violence 

You can’t be a redneck if you’re from Detroit -- Trucks 

The best place to start spreading a message of planetary invasion is Syracuse, NY -- Invisible Invaders 

The Teenage Brain
Fatal Attraction is a popular film among the high school youth of 21st century America -- The Sisterhood of Night

Nothing insults a teenage bully more effectively than a free cosmopolitan in a dive bar -- The Guest

Inviting every guest to bring a doll to an eight-year-old’s birthday party is really just asking for trouble -- Dark Touch 

Health & Fitness
A regular yoga routine will do wonders for your potential as a rock climber -- Preservation 

CPR can pretty easily be achieved by simply beating up a new corpse -- Baby Blues 

Menudo isn’t very good for those suffering ulcers -- Cruel & Unusual

All In the Family
There’s just never a right time to tell your daughter that her mother isn’t dead -- Hush Little Baby 

Science & Technology
Computer geniuses prefer to be called nerds -- Smiley 

The Internet is filled with people that really like boobs -- The Den 

Evolution began with alligators, which turned into dinosaurs, which turned into wooly mammoths, which turned into buffalo -- Mission To Mars 

You have to have a phone if you have your own internet site -- Don’t Blink 

The shortage of quality diamonds is the reason we haven’t yet made lightsabers a commercial project -- Congo 

Psychology 101
When your life is essentially being determined by a popularity contest, it’s probably not the best time to start practicing your non-ironic Donald Trump impersonation -- Circle 

The accepted scientific definition of clinical depression is “when you sit in your room all day being weird” -- Whisper Kill 

Extremely violent mental patients are allowed daily eyebrow plucking sessions -- Bad Karma 

Transportation Potpouri
Savvy 21st century journalists research most of their stories via soccer mom minivan transportation -- The Secret Village 

A haunted car is still just a car -- Phantom Racer 

The Glorious ‘90s
If Dennis Miller is in your movie, you can bet your beard that he’s playing the ex-love interest turned slightly sleazy platonic friend who will end up in a hospital -- Never Talk To Strangers & The Net 

Fashion For Dummies
Floppy blond hair & a turtleneck do indeed a villain make -- Tracks of a Killer 

When attending a mysterious dinner party, consider wearing noiseless flats. You just never know -- Would You Rather  

Super strict futuristic prisons will conduct thorough anal searches to ensure you don't sneak weapons or baby dolls into the facilities, but it will still be okay to sport your own groovy hemp poncho on the inside -- Deadball

High powered attorney wannabes should always make a point of keeping a formal high powered attorney suit in their office on casual Fridays -- Portraits of a Killer 

Don’t wear gold tops if you’re planning on spilling blood on them -- Eden Lake 

No matter how tight the top, how short the skirt, how tattooed the dame, a pair of glasses will sell a hot chick as a doctor with no problem -- Berserker 

Beauty Advice
Burial does wonders for the complexion -- Starry Eyes 

Dating, Sex, & All That Fun Stuff 
Bed may be a gift from the gods, but a handicap port-a-potty is the best place to salami around -- Bruiser 

“Hey Cheekbones, wanna party?” is not a recommended pickup line, even if your target is the very high cheekboned Joan Severance -- Criminal Passion 

Business & Commerce
Sex with a stranger is worth a lot of margarita mix and Wonder Bread -- Forget Me Not 

If you tip your waiter well enough, he just might sneak a batch of Oxycontin and sleeping pills into the tropical mixed drink you order for your friend -- Don’t Wake Mommy

Filmmaking Tips
Nothing says ‘crazy’ more efficiently than a bulletin board filled with newspaper clippings -- The Canal 

All deaths are better when shown in super slow motion -- Hooded Angels 

Basic Survival
When smoking out killer bees, remember not to smoke yourself out as well -- The Deadly Bees 

Always expect a burlap bag to be filled with extremely venomous snakes. If your’e not living by this rule, I really don’t even know how you’ve made it this far -- The Taking of Deborah Logan 

Board Game Skills 
When ouijaing, always say goodbye -- The Ouija Experiment 

Angels do indeed exist, and they are the jerks who hold the subway doors open and make the rest of us straphangers late -- Bless the Child 

Nothing will confound a mermaid with more success than a mere net -- Killer Mermaid 

Doug Jones!

In real life, Doug Jones seems like an insanely delightful, enthusiastic, and talented performer. But if you’re ever in a movie with him, it’s probably best to avoid his presence at all times. Nothing good ever comes out of it -- Absentia

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