Editing For Dummies

Let it never be said that I have good taste. 

I just need to put that statement in print before detailing how much I enjoyed today’s rather terrible feature.

Quick Plot: Rachel is a “journalist” (I say it this way because her credentials include “finishing journalism school”, so forgive my distrust) renting a home in a mysterious New England village in the hopes of writing a (journalism) article on its history of isolation and ergot poisoning. Her roommate is a bland wannabe screenwriter named Greg who spends most of his time asking Rachel what she’s doing. 

INTENSE SOUND CUE AS MEN IN ROBES WALK BY.

Rachel finds one chatty villager (and that’s how they all refer to themselves) named Paul and played by “that guy!” Richard Riehle. Paul warns Rachel that nobody else in town will talk, and that her life is in danger. He mentions the town’s history of ergot poisoning, and how her life is in danger. He also tells her not to trust anybody and that her life is in danger. 

INTENSE SOUND CUE AS MEN IN ROBES WALK BY.

Also, her life might be in danger.

For someone like me, The Secret Village is a gift from the heavens. 

INTENSE SOUND CUE AS MEN IN ROBES WALK BY.

Writer/director Swamy Kandan was, I’m guessing, super stoked to make a movie. Perhaps he got even more excited when he found a box called “sound cues” and proceeded to--

INTENSE LASER SHOT SOUNDS AS ROBED DUDE WALKS BY.

--use them. A. Lot. 

The Secret Village is in no way a good movie, but boy was it made for me! Kandan uses every possible filmmaking tool at his disposal to make EXTREME editing and post-production choices, inserting flashbacks, stock music, oddly cut flash forwards, and a twist ending that M. Night Shyamalan probably toyed with in middle school. 

It all adds up to something bizarrely earnest and even more terrible. Aforementioned laser sound cues were not an exaggeration: they happen, and it’s just as ridiculous as you think. In a good way. Providing you love bad movies. 

Wait, if you don’t, why do you read this blog?

High Points

Everyone, from the actors to the guy charged with lint rolling the black robes, certainly seems to be trying their best

Low Points

But you know, that doesn't mean they do a good job

Lessons Learned

Savvy 21st century journalists research most of their stories via soccer mom minivan transportation

If someone says they’re from “the cape,” they probably, like, oops, totally mean Cape Cod

New England gravestones from the long ago era of 1999 tend to age at an expedited rate, rendering them akin to ancient markers or Halloween props

Rent/Bury/Buy

It’s wrong of me to recommend The Secret Village to anyone with actual taste, but those who love a hard-trying bad movie will certainly get plenty of chuckles out of this one. You can’t say it doesn’t try.