Monday, May 4, 2015

Part Of Your World

"It takes a lot of money to look this cheap." -- The Goddess Known As Dolly Parton

"It takes a lot of production companies to make a movie that feels rather cheap." -- The Woman Who Can Do Nothing But Worship At the High Heels of Dolly Parton Known As Me

Quick Plot: A young couple who speak English through Serbian accents are about to enjoy a sexy night of skinny dipping when a siren song lures the male into the water and a man who knows what you did last summer hooks the lass. 

Moving on, a pair of "Americans" named Kelly and Lucy travel to Montenegro for some relaxing with Lucy's ex-boyfriend. That makes about as much sense as taking an exotic beach vacation when you're terrified of water, but both things do indeed happen, so we accept reality as it is presented and enjoy the sun.

Alex, Lucy's ex, brings his new fiancee Yasmin to the group. They're soon joined by Bobby ("just like DiNero!") and make the obvious decision to spend a day exploring an abandoned prison island, despite the warnings of local mysterious stranger Franco Nero.

Admittedly, I would be THRILLED to spend my vacation exploring an abandoned prison island. The last time I saw Franco Nero warn anybody about anything, it resulted in death by figure skating and Shelley Winters singing Shortening Bread in The Visitor, so really, that's just a plus.

As one might imagine in a film called Killer Mermaid, our quintet of pretty people are eventually hunted down by, well, a killer mermaid's fisherman minion. Killer mermaids have them, see.

Please note a key word in the above paragraph: eventually. It is vital to your viewing of Killer Mermaid for, you see, this movie takes its time. Before we get to a CGI Ariel devouring her prey, we must first deal with Kelly's devotion to her journalism job and fear of water following her brother's drowning, Lucy's pining for her ex, her ex's rather easy affair with Lucy, Yasmin dealing with it all by drinking to the point of puke, and an incredibly uncomfortable dance party that made me question the existence of the human soul.

But then, you see, there is a killer mermaid.

Originally titled Nymph, this is a film whose title and poster definitely lead one to expect a goofier tale. Killer Mermaid is neither incompetent nor scary, putting it square in a rather mediocre camp of Netflix Instant horror. Its premise is different enough to make it more memorable than a standard slasher or backwoods massacre, so it certainly makes good on its brief (if a bit belabored) running time. One could do worse.

High Points
Boy is the Serbian waterfront a pretty location to film a movie in!

Low Points
I’ve been trying to forget the uncomfortable impromptu dance party, yet every time I close my eyes, it haunts me so...

Lessons Learned
Fish doesn't grab people

Nothing will confound a mermaid with more success than a mere net

True places are never on the map

If you watch Killer Mermaid without reading any tone into the title, this proves to be an average horror flick for a lazy 90 minute stream. The location is beautiful, the actors are attractive and somewhat animated, and you know, there IS a killer mermaid. It won't blow your mind with its power or badness, but it's a decent pretty watch that can also serve as an attractive and rife flick for MST3K style riffing. 

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