Wednesday, February 4, 2015

The Rats Shall Inherit The Earth

The only thing that improves an apocalypse is its ability to be included in February’s Attack of the Shorties. When you add to that intense ‘80s motorcycle style, adorable rodents, and the kind of hijinks that include a flour fight.

Quick Plot: In 2015 (you know, NOW), the "insensitivity of man finally triumphs" (actual line) and the world becomes a nuclear party. Two hundred years later, the new society slowly emerge from their underground shelters to explore the world their ancestors left behind.

Thankfully, among the survivors is a LOT of punk hair dye, fringed boots, and headbands.

Sporting those sexy looks is a group of grumpy bikers with kickass names like Chocolate, Video, and Taurus. In searching for a new home, they come across an abandoned warehouse of sorts now littered with red eyed little rats. 

Also, flour. Which naturally calls for dancing.

(It is rather shocking how many pictures like this show up when you Google Image Search 'flour dance')
Before you can say Willard, our furry little monsters are gnawing, raining, and spontaneously combusting from the innards of our dubbed Italians.

It is glorious.

Directed by '80s trash maestro Bruno Mattei, Rats: Nights of Terror, is sort of the perfect movie for someone named Emily Intravia. It’s pure genre cheese aided by fashion that seems almost criminally wonderful. Observe!

Also, there are killer rats. Nuclear-infused killer rats. Granted, their method of murder is more ‘sit back and wait for the camera to keep showing that shot of a whole bunch of us crawling around, cut with shots of a blond screaming’ or ‘get gathered by some unlucky production assistant then dropped on an actor.’

But you know what: those kinds of tricks work for someone like me. 

You know what else works? Naming a character Lucifer. I say this not JUST because Rats: Nights of Terror has one, but just think of at least two previously reviewed films that do: 

That’s right, the leather-clad badass in the greatest film no one ever thinks they should see, Gangland

And Viggo Mortenson threatening to feed Virginia Madsen her mother’s feces (in a sexy way, of course) in The Prophecy.

My point is: Rats: Nights of Terror is filled with A LOT of things seemingly designed to make me feel joy. Life, my friends, is a grand place to be.

High Points
Remember how Phenomena had what I once dubbed the most adorable final shot in genre history?

It totally just lost that medal to something wayyyyyy cuter.  

Low Points
Perhaps there’s a negative or two to be found in some of the characters’ logic, but since their decisions ultimately culminate in spontaneous combustion, I really have no cause to complain

Lessons Learned
Real infallible leaders know that bike safety is a top priority 

Cook a rat in a little vinegar and it's just fine

Shocking but true: when holed up in a warehouse surrounded by man-eating genetically mutated rats, avoid sticking your head out the window

You’ll probably never find a video game in the post-apocalypse, even if your name happens to be Video

Diseases rats can give you include meningitis, tuberculosis, and the plague

There's really no good reason I can think of to NOT seek out Rats: Nights of Terror. The film is available as a disc rental from Netflix and can be found alone or double billed with Hell of the Living Dead via a Blue Underground Blu Ray. I can only imagine what spontaneous ratbustion looks like in high definition. Well, I mean I can only imagine right now. Give me two days for that Amazon order to arrive and my life will be about as complete as it can.


  1. Oh wow, how did I NOT notice this review was up! Consider me an idiot!

    My first Shortening review shall be up today, for Devil Dog: Hound from Hell, which features Richard Crenna fighting the forces of Satan with hand magic!

    1. Don't feel bad! I usually post on Mondays but am getting fancy in my old age.

      And SWEET! I'll check it out this weekend and linkaroo soon!

  2. By the way, is a movie where people kill others with magical clocks Shortening applicable?

    1. I suppose if that's the only weapon of choice, why not?