Monday, January 23, 2012

Lessons Learned: The 3rd Year Edition

It’s that time of the year again Doll’s Houseguests! In the penultimate post before this here li’l blog’s third birthday, I (as always) like to celebrate the REAL reason I watch movies: education. From British sleepwear to the real horrors of stoning, I’ve compiled an extensive cheat sheet culled from a full year’s worth of reviews. Read on to learn about a variety of subjects that will make you a more smarter person and click on each title for the full review.

Glasses and bun not included

Culinary Arts & Fine Dining
Unlike burgers or a fine Ver-sace gown, Alien baked brownies do indeed suck--The Unhuman

You can always count on a diner waitress to be named Midge. Also, for her to burn people alive--Dead and Buried

Creepy backwoods preacher men aren't particularly interested in your newfound decision to go vegan--Children of the Corn: Genesis

Wieners don't have to be boring, you know--7 Dwarfs

Never send a diner burger back to a Texas kitchen--Red White & Blue

Beans is good. Just heat ‘em up and they’re good to go*

*Ancient Iroquois wisdom --Skeleton Man

Rules of the Road
There’s an art to a good convoy, and it apparently includes introducing yourself awkwardly at rest stops--Amusement

When choosing one's vehicle for vampire hunting in the post-apocalypse, always consider the mechanics of the trunk--Stake Land

Doctors notes for claustrophobia do not get you out of wearing your seatbelt--The Vanishing

If planning on speeding through Paris in a car chase to escape murderous/carsick goons, always be sure to pack the right high energy mixed tape--Subway 

Math Class Is Hard
If you use your rifle to secure every door you close behind you, you will eventually run out of rifles--The Horde

Counting down from 100 by 7s is hard at any age--Pin

English Grammar & Vocabulary

The definition of a Las Vegas penis: heat sinking moisture missile--Leprechaun 3

The word ‘crap’ is quite tacky--Holiday In Handcuffs

Sometimes an apostrophe can go wherever it wants, whether it belongs there or not. Hello, Dream Model’s!--Birdemic

In flight attendant speak, engaged does not equal dead. In horror movie speak, it just means not dead until 30 minutes into the film --Quarantine 2: Terminal

Small Town Matters

Too much riff-raff will give a town a bad name--Trog

Small towns are often victim to plot points that involve unread faxes--Christmas Caper

Town dumps are generally closed on Thanksgiving--Alice’s Restaurant 

Campus Life
In order to keep your enjoyable teaching job, remember to occasionally go to school and teach--Ghost Story

Sororities aren’t all that bad. They just make you do horrible things to test your loyalty--The Initiation of Sarah
The best way to seduce a sexy coed is to slowwwwwwwwwwwly take your shirt off and let her stare at your chest for approximately 45 seconds--Silent Scream
If going on a coed camping trip with a bunch of college students, expect that every attached male will be aggressively hitting on every attached female--The Fear
Frat houses tend to keep a ready inventory of industrial strength waterproof glue on hand, perhaps to ensure football trophies can always be safely put back together in case of accidents--Drive-In Horrorshow

When filling out your college housing application, don't forget to make a special note that you're allergic to theater majors--Red Hook

Global Studies
In Norwegian, “This is going to hurt a little” translates as “This will cause searing pain that will make you wish you were dead”--Cold Prey

You're never too old to play with dolls, at least not in Lapland--Rare Exports
There are no black people in snowglobes--Snowglobe
If you’re from the Valley, you are also not smart--Haunted Boat
No one goes without a hat in China--Tremors 4
African blonds get incredibly offended when no one will sleep with them. They also dress in the kind of Sexy Policewoman costumes generally reserved for Halloween stores or adult shops--Snake Island

Diener is German for servant...and there’s nothing weird about a white doctor pointedly telling that to his black assistant--April Fools

In the 1970s, Korea was home to many statues of tiny cows--A*P*E

Animal Care
After future pet DJ Chocolate Thunder, my next cat will be named Claws Kinski--Crawlspace
Low down kai-oats are responsible for most problems in the world--The Terror of Tiny Town

Parenting & Child Rearing
Small children shouldn’t have pillows--The Nanny

James Brown is almost as good as Daddy--Call Me Claus

When giving birth, one can expect the following:
You’ll push and push
There will be a little head
Then you push again
Then something emerges, just like a baby dolphin
Oh, and finally, you’ll cut the cord yourself--Baby Blood
In addition to producing vitamins and soreness, breastfeeding might provide you with a brand new sense of Shakespearean villainy--A Simple Plan
The best way to show your unhappy psychic teenage daughter that you love her is to send the kid four thousand miles away for the next year of her life--The Spell

Much like those hungry Cabbage Patch Kids form the late ‘90s, feeding a tree bark baby will run you the risk of having your ponytail eaten as dessert--Little Otik

You know you have an absentee dad when only the butler knows how you take your steak--Cancel Christmas

Always dress your child in bright colors, particularly if you’re going to be chasing her around in the dark woods for the bulk of your story and a shimmery yellow raincoat improves visibility tenfold--Wake Wood 

The Human Body
After being stabbed in the gut, the best course of action is to drink water and dab the wound with a fluffy towel--Blood Games

A piece of tattooed flesh will last several weeks when safely stored in a Ziploc bag--The Fan
A bullet in your gut won’t kill you, but one in your upper left breastbone six inches away from your heart will do so instantly--Blood Harvest
Skin-melting acid will not harm your body if you immediately remove all clothing as soon as it touches you--Roller Blade

Getting stabbed in the neck with a pen kind of hurts--Cold Fish
When a bullet grazes you, it also knocks you out and makes you bleed profusely to the point that in no way could you possibly be mistaken for alive--Halloween: Water

The human heart has four chambers and if you don’t know that, Roddy McDowell will blow your face off--Class of 1984 

Modern Medicine & the Healthcare Field
An allergy to anesthesia can be a pain, but if you happen to have a fetish for that kind of thing, it's also really convenient--Oral Fixation
Always read up on whatever hospital you’re admitted to. It’d be a shame if you end up in one where no nurses ever stop by to check your life support system’s status--Pinocchio’s Revenge
The biggest limitation of the medical profession is that you can’t write a prescription to fight evil--The Devil Within Her

The Best Rest
If you’re having trouble sleeping after a traumatic event, perhaps setting an evil-looking doll facing your bed is not the best idea, particularly when said evil-looking doll was delivered to you mere moments before said traumatic event--Dead Silence 



Real survivalists pack extra double AAs--Infestation

When your clown dolls tell you to stop asking questions, stop...asking...questions--Shattered Lives
Never underestimate the importance of glow sticks. Never.--Vanishing On 7th Street
Morse Code: Learn It. Love it. Live It.--Maximum Overdrive
Choosing to live or not to live just depends on you...and those orchestrating a lethal and secluded game of amateur paintball--Paintball
Do not, for the health and happiness of all, mess with Armand Assante's breakfast routine--Dot.Kill

History Lessons
1980s era blonds were allergic to bras--Bloody Birthday

Contrary to popular belief, Romans did not keep pet dinosaurs--The Lair of the White Worm
Breast implants, tattoos, and hoop earrings were popular choices for 1880s saloon prostitutes--7 Mummies
Any movie made in the ‘90s that featured pregnancy as a major plot point was required to culminate in multiple babies being frantically born on the same stressful evening (see Father of the Bride Part 2, Nine Months)--Junior
In 1964, the price for a slightly used life was precisely three times a regular salary--The Flesh Eaters

The Awkward Shimmy rivaled The Charleston for popular dances of the 1920s--The Nutcracker In 3D 

Humanitarian Efforts
You know, there are starving children in China who would kill to eat those grapes. (Note: this comment is directed towards vampires who seem to thrive on wasting decadent banquets)--Nosferatu

Fashion Sense
One would assume skin-tight leather pants are a poor choice when planning on engaging in street battles with talented martial artists. One would be so very, very very, very wrong--Gangland 
Always get two purses in the same design (make one beige) so you can sneak out the window when scared of midgets--Unborn Sins
Oversized sweaters with full body bald eagle prints will drive the male mall crowd WILD--The Kiss
What's in for goblin style in 2010: Assless chaps, Grim Reaper hoodies, and bone earrings--Goblin
So long as the snow is falling in an elegant manner, there’s no need to ever put on a sweater--Red Riding Hood
It is possible to look good in a green lame three-piece suit. It’s possible, but not easy for mere mortals. Not easy at all...--Rockers
Stink + satin = bad times--Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night 2

Afterschool Activities
One can learn how to play the drums in the same short amount of time it takes to learn rough conversational Portuguese--Love Actually


Hair Tips
Corn rows flatter no white woman--Stuck

In death, your hair will grow to appropriate J-horror ghostess lengths--Phone

Bad bangs are often a sign of a bad soul--Blood Gnomes

Pompadours don't look any more normal on gothic children than they do on Korean dictators--The Innocents

It’s wrong to steal (it’s in the Bible and it’s one of the 10 commandments)--Black Devil Doll From Hell

British people have odd ideas of pajamas, unless skeleton t-shirts, white riding pants, and boots are actually comfortable--The Devil’s Chair

Matching your pajamas to your family members is really just asking for a demon thing to come take one of you away--Insidious
Sleeping in the nude can be slightly inconvenient, especially if you're babysitting small children or expecting a serial killer to break in--Visiting Hours

Military Intelligence
The typical uniform for a S.W.A.T. team member involves a comfortably loose-fitting t-shirt--Are You Scared
Mimes can make surprisingly effective--and silent--spies--Q The Winged Serpent
Criminal Justice
Never kick away evidence at a murder scene when the ominous score is so clearly telling you not to--Don’t Torture a Duckling

You can’t break a cop’s wrist! (except you totally can)--Witch’s Sabbath

In prison, being someone’s bitch means you have to help sneak in their drugs. And that’s just about it--Dangerous Worry Dolls

Avoid trusting police officers with questionable diamond earrings--Nite Tales

Undercover policing is strictly volunteer--Pieces

When describing a killer to a cop, be sure to list his size, whether he has a chain, and if there's a hole inside of his head. Most law enforcement employees will nail that one on the first try--See No Evil

Instincts don’t solve cases--Exte

Like so much else in Italy, policeman pants are exceedingly sexy--Spellcaster

The best way to unite warring youth gangs is to make them band together in an effort to battle Hyena People--Hyenas

Much to the chagrin of eager cleaning ladies, one cannot just dust around fingerprints at a crime scene--The Blob 
Responsible Ownership
A cell phone’s place is never in the bathroom. Really people, you’re in a horror movie set in the 21st century. Don’t give the Laws of Getting Rid of Phones any leeway--I Spit On Your Grave

Before activating your apocalyptic vampire relic, you should really consider reading that owner’s manual--Dylan Dog: Dead of Night

Love & Dating
"I say we just go back to your house and make out” might SOUND sexy in your head, but saying it out loud will most certainly lead instead to a group date--House of Fears

Telling folks that your dad is Mick Jagger won’t get you chicks, but it will get you a free round of fancy martinis--Gossip

You should know you’re on a date from hell when your gentleman caller earnestly asks “Tell me more about your mother”--Starved

Post-coital secret sharing only works when you or your partner enjoy the coitus--Forest of Death

Post widowering, one shouldn’t talk about setting down, but GETTING down--A Christmas Wedding Tail

A great way to meet an eligible bachelor? Fight off a rapist down the hall--Scissors

The best way to rekindle romance is to be impregnated in the back by a Native American medicine man--The Manitou

The Feminine Mystique
Bitches always keep their last names--5ive Girls 
Arms & Weaponry
Rocket launchers are surprisingly lightweight--Karoake Terror

Chekhov’s Law: If a homemade mace is introduced in the first reel, you best use that homemade mace by the fifth--Deathwatch

A samurai is also known as a hobo with a sword--Doll Graveyard

The longbow is quicker to load AND farther in flight. Take THAT buck of tar!--Black Death

The greatest war tactic of all time might indeed involve unleashing your secret weapon upon the enemy, and by secret weapon, I am of course referring to a clown armed with a machete--The Last Circus
Office Relations
Before you can confess your sins to your employer, you must first be friends--Attack of the Puppet People

Any red-blooded American would climb up an elevator shaft--The Falling

When the going gets tough, the tough order pineapple pie with ice cream on top --Day of the Animals

Family Dynamics
Slutty sisters let their toenails grow insanely long--Trilogy of Terror

A daughter who has to pee is a great ticket out of a dull conversation about your work--Beware! Children At Play

In the 1970s, fondling your sister was one way to make a living--The Sentinel

Biology 101 
A shiv is not the recommended weapon when facing a grizzly bear--Grizzly Park

Sharks love seals (and really, who doesn't?)--The Reef

Sensory Pleasures
Pop is the sound of Gary Coleman bursting your bubble--A Carol Christmas

Introduction to Anthropology 
People who feel like outcasts and spend the majority of their lives whining about the world on the Internet are generally much more in shape and attractive than the majority of happy well-adjusted members of society--The Hanged Man
American accents are a recessive gene--Melancholia

Bathing & Hygiene
Stoning completely ruins your makeup--Christmas With a Capital C

Taking a bath when cast in a horror film is one of the dumbest things a woman can do--The Sitter
Having your face shoved in tropical mud on a weekly basis can do wonders for your complexion--Boot Camp  

Real Estate For Dummies
Your first mistake in obtaining a haunted house: purchasing your home from a mall-stationed real estate agency and a man with a shiny ponytail--The Baby’s Room
And there you have it students! I guarantee that at least one of these lessons is on its way to making you a happier, smarter, braver, talenteder person than five minutes before reading this. Don't forget to come back Wednesday for the Doll's House OFFICIAL 3rd birthday, where we party hard by remembering the best films I watched here this year.  In the meantime, celebrate your newfound smartness!