All Of Them Busty Witches

Considering I generally find Netflix’s ‘erotic thrillers’ hilarious (see: Blood Gnome) I couldn’t think of any reason NOT to watch Witch’s Sabbath.

None. At. Atll.

Quick Plot: A coven of witches led by the artificially large chested Auriana (the fairly amazingly named Syn DeVil) run a well-lit strip club to lure its patrons into an after party held at a private mansion. Once there, randy men and their occasionally bored girlfriends get their faces clawed off and souls sent to Satan as their blood spurts all over naked porn stars like...well...you know.

But they get to see boobs! LOTS of them! Real ones, fake ones, ones wrapped in black leather, ones thinly veiled by fishnet, ones awkwardly coddled by unattractive men...

Yup, as I often find myself saying here, I don’t know that I was the target audience for this film.

And yet...and yet...I actually found myself enjoying Witch’s Sabbath, poorly punctuated title be damned. Though it’s about as sexy as a podiatrist’s waiting room, the film has a genuinely fun spirit about itself and far more energetic performances than you’d find in most of the cast’s back catalog (including porn star Lisa Sparxxx, whose credits include the phenomenally titled Ass Good Ass It Gets, MILF Busters, and the fifth entry in the My Hot Wife Is Fucking Blackzilla! franchise). Even Ron Jeremy shows up for a “special appearance” playing a bible salesman who occasionally dips into a southern accent because, you know, that’s what a bible salesman does. Also, his name is Craven Moorehead which...let’s face it, is amusing.

As the witches amass their collection of souls to feed to the land-bound octopus they call Satan, we switch to the sunnier side of town to meet Eliza, a selectively intelligent blond whose boyfriend likes to play wacky non-sex games such as wearing a black ski cap and sneaking outside her window for kicks. 

No seriously, it’s not a sex thing.

Eliza and her doofy boyfriend Seth decide to visit his favorite strip club along with his never-been-kissed best friend and a poor soul of a blind date. The foursome get a private invite to--whaddya know--a Halloween party at Auriana’s mansion where body limbs fly, ugly leopard print plastic raincoats get stained, and secrets are revealed.

Also, we see more boobs. But you knew that already.

High Points

It’s no secret that I’m a crazy cat lady in training, so the fact that Witch’s Sabbath took the trouble to actually cast and zoom in on a kitten for the all important line “Travis can’t speak right now. My cat has his tongue!” is well appreciated by me

For a cheaply made nudie-horror, Witch’s Sabbath sure put a lot of energy into its gore, and it shows. Sure, some of the severed heads look straight off a Spencer’s Gifts shelf, but there are some gooily great blood squirtings that shows the filmmakers were far more ambitious than something like, say, Santa Claws

Low Points

I get director Jeff Leroy wasn’t thinking of me, a straight woman, while making this film, but does that HAVE to mean that the men get to watch Playboy knockoff centerfolds and I get...well...Ron Jeremy?

Lessons Learned

You can’t break a cop’s wrist! (except you totally can)

Politely applauding at a strip club is also known as getting out of control

Asking “Who’s there? Please, if there’s someone out there, just go away,” when you suspect a prowler is outside your window will most likely not get the results you’re looking for

Remember, Travis plans on getting laid tonight

The going rate for convincing your friend to accepting a blind date with a socially incompetent creep? One pair of earrings

The Winning Line

“Where you going? Crazy ass witch with titties.”

I wonder so hard how many takes it took for the actor to say this without cracking up. I don’t think I can count that high

Credits Curiosity

The opening credits boast a “special appearance by Ron Jeremy,” prompting me to wonder: is that really so special? Doesn’t that guy show up to the opening of a Subway restaurant or pizza buffet?

Rent/Bury/Buy

For a softcore horror porn, Witch’s Sabbath is surprisingly entertaining. Most of the performances are quite sunny and the gore is as satisfying as any low budget gross-out. I wouldn’t recommend putting any money or energy towards it, but as an Instant Watch, it’s not the worst way to kill 83 minutes when NBC decides to show reruns of its shows one month into the fall season. This is why I try to limit my television watching.

Especially when I could just observe the weirdness of veiny fake boobs.