Those Air Miles Are Running Out Faster Than a Running Not Zombie!

Before I get to Quarantine 2: Terminal, allow me to be confused. Much like REC2 (you know, the sequel to the original film that inspired Quarantine but the sequel of which is not the basis for Quarantine 2: Terminal), the DVD opens with an advertisement for the grandeur of Blu Ray, which seems a little self-defeating when you’re going to watch it, you know, on DVD. 

Moving on, we then get to watch a preview for REC2, which is a sequel to the film that inspired Quarantine but not the film of which you’re about to watch. So don’t worry: you’re NOT watching a preview for the film you’re about to watch but in Spanish. Now if it were Quarantine (1), you would be. But you’re not, so--

Sometimes I get confused by things that don’t need to be confusing. Tyra Banks would say that I overthink. But we’ll get back to Tyra Banks in the middle of Quarantine 2: Terminal, which is a sequel--I guess--to the American film Quarantine, which was a remake of REC, which had a sequel that is unrelated to Quarantine 2: Terminal.

It's really confusing. I know.

Quick Plot: A bunch of stereotyp--er, characters--board a plane leaving LA. Amongst the rather skimpy batch of passengers are

-A crass fat guy who instantly mentions beer

-A video game playing teenagers who’s all “I don’t need YOU”

-An attractive young woman with medical experience

-A crazy old cat lady

-A couple who have accents and a video camera

-A workaholic with a laptop

-A pregnant woman

-Her asshole husband

-A young man with a good enough looking face to successfully flirt with the cute stewardess

-Hamsters

After some okay-to-forced airplane banter that establishes every character’s main trait, we catch The Crass Fat Guy vomiting up a storm. Before you can say drink cart, we’ve got rabid fast running ‘let’s argue about whether they’re zombie’ zombies as our plane lands in the titular terminal. Since the other part of the title here is ‘quarantine,’ we then get some government types sealing off the passengers and plucky flight attendant Jenny (Lea Michelle lookalike Mercedes Masohn) trying to survive in a warehouse. 

What else do we get, you ask? There’s conspiracies of course. HAZMAT suit wearing shlubs wheeled onscreen to give us exposition before getting shot. Some in-fighting, some animal attacks. The plucky stewardess rising to the occasion with her hair still shining bright enough for a Pantene commercial. Thermal night vision goggles because I guess it’s some sort of nod to the found footage aspect of its predecessor. 

That kind of stuff.

Like most of the horror fans I know, I rather enjoyed REC and was pleasantly surprised by its recent sequel. Sure, I felt Quarantine was unnecessary, but it was a decent cash-in that worked well enough for Americans with reluctant reading habits. A sequel didn’t NOT make sense, but a slicker version of Flight of the Living Dead doesn’t. 

Excuse me. I have to pause for the next hour to watch the season premiere of America’s Next Top Model: All Stars.

Brittany was unfairly eliminated. Girls screamed a lot. Tyra pulled a Sybil and it was more painful than it sounds.

We’re back to not zombie zombies.

And they run. And they bite. And drool. And stare straight at the camera to make those “garrrowwwww” noises. Because that’s how these things work.

There are few surprises in Quarantine 2: Terminal, though they do eventually come (see my spoiler alerted high point). It’s certainly a competent film, one executed more than decently by John Pogue (the apparent maestro behind the Yale horror Skulls series). The acting is more than passable, the gore gooey and believable, and pacing quite strong. But you know...there are zombies and they attack a diverse assortment of movie types in the exact order you expect. Some of us like that kind of thing. Others yawn.

High Points

MINOR SPOILER

What can I say? I do love me a secret subplot involving doomsday cults

MAJOR SPOILER

Yup, the pretty girl gets it. But her hair made it to the end.

Low Points

When you put a pregnant woman in the victim pool, you’d expect something tragic or exciting or different to happen to her, no? Yeah, but I guess writer director John Pogue did not

Is it a cinematic law that any film involving an airline must use the phrase “put your trays in the upright position” when making a sexual innuendo? Also note that this line is used by female flight attendants discussing oral sex on a cute passenger, but I suppose everything is okay since they follow the comment up with “The cute guy is really smart.” And yes, this does indeed make me think back to the recent Miss Universe pageant, where the plastic correspondents were overwhelmingly impressed to learn that one of the contestants can even PICK UP a newspaper

Lessons Learned

In flight attendant speak, engaged does not equal dead. In horror movie speak, it just means not dead until 30 minutes into the film 

Hamsters don’t have tails...HAMSTERS DON’T HAVE TAILS!

It’s apparently quite simple to pack a gun and ammo inside your baggage when traveling by plane

Time is really expensive nowadays

The Winning Line

Dude 1: Shit!

Dude 2: It’s just blood.

That’s cool right?

Rent/Bury/Buy

Quarantine 2: Terminal is fine. I don’t mean fine in a ‘girrrrrrrrrrrl, you so FINE’ kind of way. I mean it as ‘yeah, ya know, it’s okay, no sweat, it’s fine.’ You know, in other words, the white person way. As zombie films goes, it’s better than your average straight-to-DVD flick, but in no way does it do anything new or special. Even the plane angle was done before--and with more fun--in 2007 with Flight of the Living Dead, and THAT film had the bad guy from Kindergarden Cop in it. The film will eventually make a decent enough Instant Watch, but it doesn’t really deserve much else. 

Unlike Kindergarten Cop, which deserves to be showered in diamonds and anointed as a saint