Wait, you mean there are SNAKES on this 'Snake Island?'

Some people are simple-minded. Give them giant 3D robots or Paul Blart: Mall Cop and they’re happier than my cat Mookie sleeping inside a tiny box.

If he were a dog, his tail would be wagging with enthusiasm and pleasure.

What I’m getting at, you see, is that as much as I like to look down those who throw hard-earned cash on films that give me headaches or rashes, I’m someone who audibly squealed in joy when I discovered there was a movie called “Snake Island” streaming on Netflix.

Quick Plot: A gaggle of tourists embarks on a luxury vacation in Africa. Destination: Snake Island, a newly opened resort headed by the superbly named Jake Malloy (played by director Wayne Crawford). Sure, (deepen voice) Jake Malloy has a steamy late night sexy flick name and all, but we can’t call him the main attraction when William Katt’s on call! The blond heartthrob plays Malcolm Page, a famed novelist stuck on vacation with a pair of stiff British newlyweds, a smart and sex-ready lawyer named Heather, and a whole lot of hotel employees (the female type of which are really excited to get naked).

You should probably worry about your investments when your resort has more staff members than guests, but if you count the snakes, then there’s no vacancy whatsoever. 

Because by golly, thar be LOTS of snakes! Red ones, green ones, skinny ones and fat ones. Cobras, anacondas, lil squiggly ones and slytherines (that’s a type, right?). 

You might think ‘WOW! So many snakes! This is awesome!’ But we haven’t even gotten started. See, the snakes really display their charm during one of the stranger montages I’ve seen in recent times, one involving two topless women dancing with a slowly shirt unbuttoning William Katt while the polygamist employee chuckles, the lawyer gets it on in the water with (deep voice) Jake Malloy, and the portly snake-shooting assistant gets attacked by snakes...and then more snakes....and a few more snakes. So apparently, it’s either female nipples or the very threat of William Katt’s nipples that awaken the aggressiveness in the serpentine kingdom. 

You would think this is the high point of the film because frankly, when a scene involving dancing loose women, William Katt’s bare chest, water sex and a snake attack plays to techno music, WHAT ELSE COULD POSSIBLY BE BETTER? I was ready to turn Snake Island off at that point for fear of its next hour failing to POSSIBLY match that potential (witness Drive-Thru) but after a bunch of other snakings, something else wonderful happens. And it’s even better than snakes dancing to club music.

Because it’s a snake singing. SINGING! SNAKINGING! And making up his own lyrics as such:

“We hate people yes we do

As far as we’re concerned, 

They’re just something to ...

CHEW!”

Isn’t that ADORABLE? Positively Shel Silverstein in style! Sure, the snake throws in a token ‘bitch’ jibe just because snakes are known for being natural misogynists, but it’s still a singing snake and I’m still in love.

Then our lawyer with pleasant boobs and common sense (though not enough to not sleep with the rather daft Jake Malloy) wakes up and the snake stops singing and I start being sad.

There’s a climax, and it involves snakes. Lots of snakes. Because in case you haven’t caught on, there are about as much snakes in Snake Island as there were chains in Chain Letter. 

That epiphany suddenly seems like the most important discovery since a stoner listened to Dark Side of the Moon while his grandmother watched The Wizard of Oz.

High Points

Sometimes they’re rubber and sometimes they’re made from computer pixels, but for much of Snake Island’s big snake scenes, we’re treated to living and slithering genuine snakes, the kind that make the ASPCA visit the set to ensure their safety if the producers want a disclaimer in their credits. Neato.

Low Points

It’s more a personal pet peeve than actual detriment of the film, but I simply despise people who take a bite of something mysterious, savor its deliciousness, then spit it out in disgust when they discover it’s something as odious as snake. Really lady, I’m sure you’ve had eel stuffed in your sushi. What’s the difference?

Lessons Learned

In Africa, things bite

Having five wives makes you an expert on all things women-related

Resort employees have a wonderfully audience-convenient habit of talking to themselves in great detail

African blonds get incredibly offended when no one will sleep with them. They also dress in the kind of Sexy Policewoman costumes generally reserved for Halloween stores or adult shops

Repeated Phrase of the Philm

A drinking game could easily made to coincide with how many times a character utters the disclaimer “I’m not an expert in ______, but...” Fill-ins include snakes and malaria, though I imagine one could easily find in the deleted scenes a montage of characters substituting the following at different points in the film:

running a hotel

tying knots

snake dance styles

montages

Rent/Bury/Buy

Look, I’m not saying Snake Island is any any possible way a good movie, but heck, it’s set on an island and it has a lot of snakes. And they kill. And they’re colorful. And occasionally, they sing and dance. And then kill. 

What else have you done in life?