Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Scissoring with Sharon Stone & My Cat





Recently, it has come to my and some delightful readers’ attention that the 1990s output of horror cinema is something...well, different from other decades. It’s long been though of as a cinematic void in the genre, but look hard enough and you’ll pull up a few random pre-Scream gems and more importantly, a very different kind of nostalgia.


See, in 2011, the ‘80s are just funny. Camp counselors with one big earring getting slaughtered to post-disco beats? It’s like being tickled! The ‘90s, on the other hand, don’t yet have that distance. The actors *look* like us. They use a lot of the same lingo, even if they speak said lingo into elite car phones or public phone booths hunted down after receiving important messages on their beepers. We chuckle more and more as the time distance grows, but not so much that we excuse these films the kinds of dated errors that make the ‘80s so charming.




I have no idea why Scissors ended up on my Netflix queue, but hey, it’s got some genre pedigree behind it (director Frank De Felitta made the cult classic Dark Night of the Scarecrow), a fresh off of Mars Sharon Stone, and a lot of creepy dolls. Also, it’s the epitome of ‘90s horror for reasons soon to be discussed.


Quick Plot: Angie is a beautiful but frigid 26 year old who prefers the company of her strict psychologist (Ronny Cox!) and collection of antique store dolls to handsome single men or speed dating. Much like Catherine Deneuve in Replusion, the ice blond Angie easily attracts male attention that she has no idea what to do with. After almost being raped in her apartment elevator by a red bearded stranger, she meets a pair of Dead Ringers-lite twin brothers, both played by Lifeforce and Turkey Shoot star Steve Railsback.




Also, by the way, Joplin Zelda Rubinstein Intravia's new crush.




Twin Alex is a successful soap opera actor, while his brother Cole is a creepy wheelchair bound artist with an abominable haircut. Somewhere in the middle is Alex’s ex/Cole’s current cohort Nancy, who matters only because she’s played by Sheila from the film version of A Chorus Line.


NOTE: This might only matter to me.
As Angie begins an awkward courtship with Alex, mildly strange things start to occur but because of Angie’s own oddness, we’re not entirely sure if actions or her own fragile mind are to blame. Eventually, a faked job offer leads her to a Pee-Wee’s Playhouse sort of luxury apartment where she’s soon locked in with immobile furniture, angry birds, and a scissors-stabbed corpse.




Scissors is a strange movie, both in terms of plot and general feel. It was made by  Frank De Felitta, the man behind the novelist behind Audrey Rose and The Entity.  Whereas (in my opinion) both of those were great stories that wandered off into muddled territory, Scissors is a story that feels trite, then progressively turns bizarre, then silly, then dramatic, then wacky, and finally, rewarding.


Part of it does indeed come from the nuevo ‘90s nostalgia that paints each frame with mildly grainy and slightly badly dressed hue. Part of it has to do with the fact that the movie features about five extreme closeups of a creepy pig doll that seems to come with his own theme. There’s a delicious twist that’s more than ridiculous, followed by one that’s kind of awesome. It's ultimately the film equivalent of a box of Cracker Jacks, filled with handfuls of sweet goodness, evil little peanuts just waiting to ruin your mouth, and finally, an exciting little prize that makes it all worth it in the end. 


Historical figure trivia! Cracker Jacks' newest hit!


High Points
She might be somewhat insane in real life, but Sharon Stone holds the film together quite well, even when battling a bird




Low Points
During the opening credits, I was totally sold on the circus-like score. Bought and returned. The music of Scissors is, after the first two minutes, used fairly horrendously, with overly dramatic classical tunes practically raping the action onscreen, and I’m not just referring to the hilariously scored almost-rape scene


Lessons Learned
90% butter fat is terrible for the skin


All things cry and make a fuss when they’re lonely


A great way to meet an eligible bachelor? Fight off a rapist down the hall




Rent/Bury/Buy
I was pleasantly surprised by how much I enjoyed Scissors. At over 100 minutes, it’s far longer than it should be and filled with a tad too many time-wasting red herrings, but there’s something quite entertaining about where the storyline goes. 


Also, for those who care, Sharon Stone gets naked. Railsback, however, remains fully clothed. And the cat keeps her collar on (that’s not a euphemism; there’s a cat and it wears a collar. You’re disgusting).


So is that hair...

19 comments:

  1. Call me crazy, but I like this movie more than SLIVER. I know, I know, I'm a madman.

    The dolls are a very nice touch. Creepy dolls (and mannequins) are always a cheap and effective way to punch up the creep factor of a horror film. As an example, the top of your blog makes children cry. I do think that's a good thing. Kids need to learn how to cry to prepare for lives of sadness.

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  2. wow emily you are very profilic bloggger
    whats a chorus line
    ugh i have a flu and am feeling like hell so gramer can go stuffitself

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  3. I've never seen Sliver! Am I missing out? And yes, creepy dolls (or clowns) is a pretty easy creep-out trick, but it gets me ever time. It did as a child. It does now. Kids need to know life is full of creepiness.

    Thanks Chris! A Chorus Line = one of the greatest Broadway musicals of all time eventually turned into a film most theater fans hate, but I dig (it's your chance to see Michael Douglas kind of playing a dancer). Feel better!

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  4. I wasn't aware of this one, but am also a fan of "Dark Knight of the Scarecrow" Throw in Railsbeck for good measure....I'm sold.

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  5. The weird thing is I have NO memory of putting it on my queue. I feel bad because I'm sure SOMEONE recommended it to me, or maybe I read about it and was intrigued, but for all I know, my cat broke into Netflix and added it herself.

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  6. Re: Sliver - no you're not missing out. I remember it being heavily marketed as the next Basic Instinct when it was released, but it's a total snoozefest.

    Re: Netflix - My Quickflix (Australia's second rate answer to Netflix) queue is full of movies that I added for reasons I can't remember. And I don't have a cat, so I know it was me.

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  7. Ok, i must be living in an alternate universe,
    I have not heard of this movie either..
    You had me at Railsback..

    I do remember A chorus line however, and see that it still gets a production in the Toronto area quite often.

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  8. And it's DOUBLE Railsback no less!

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  9. Did steve railsback & Michael Ironside ever star in the same movie?..if they did..well..
    i will leave the remainder of the comment blank..

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  10. Isn't there also a short film called Scissors that's popular with the horror kids? Because I tend to get that confused with this.

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  11. Hm. Maybe? I don't even remember where I heard about this film, so apparently, when it comes to horror films called Scissors, I ain't the expert!

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  12. Ah ... my apologies. I was thinking of 1997's Cutting Moments. Why I remembered it as being titled "scissors" is obvious if you've seen it.

    Uhm ... NSFW:

    Cutting Moments - Part One

    Cutting Moments - Part Two

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  13. I only saw part of the movie. I was just wondering if the cat came out okay.

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    1. If memory serves, it does. I know I would DEFINITELY remember if something terrible happened to it, so it may just be that they don't resolve the cat's fate. But then you get the pleasure of pretending it got out, made it through college, and began an early internet company and sold for a high price just before the .com crash.

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    2. Ha :) I knew the kitty would make it out. I think the movie's a lesson in making sure your cat has enough food and water (and a playmate) in case you get kidnapped.

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    3. SERIOUSLY! That remains one of my biggest fears in life! I think mine are loud enough that they'd end up getting noise complaints that would have to be investigated.

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