Lessons Learned, the 2022 Edition

We tend to run a tad behind on the calendar changes here at the Doll House, which means our yearly roundup starts NOW. As is tradition, today we recap our favorite Lessons Learned from every film covered. Next week: the blog's best films of the year! 

So here goes: a whole lot of 100% certified facts broken out into scientifically appropriate categories. 

All the Single Ladies

Never trust a man you meet at yoga -- Headgame 

Ladies, no matter how perfect he may otherwise be, if you anticipate a future that comes anywhere near the horror genre, never, and I mean NEVER, marry a novelist -- The Twin 

Early Courtship Rituals Explained

Netflix and chill is considered the height of vanilla -- #Like 

Nothing offers the promise of a serious relationship more effectively than wearing a gray-on-gray sweatsuit on your first date -- Edge of the Axe  

Secrets From Every Profession

Real meteorologists chase meteors, not the weather -- Mosquito 

Sensitive doctors don't make much money -- Shakma 

If you own three Toyota dealerships, nothing can hurt you -- Pledge Night 

A sailor might curse, but a captain keeps his mouth clean -- The Witch Who Came From the Sea

Not all morticians eat sloppy sandwiches. Some just smoke cigarettes and drink coffee -- Sole Survivor

Aussie Rules History

Lyle was not a popular surname in 1980s Australia -- Alison's Birthday

In a world before ergonomic Jansports, the baby boomer generation of Australia likely experienced early onset back problems -- Celia 

The Limits of a University Education

They don't teach southern rituals at Princeton -- The Long Night 

If your college has a promising computer science program, be advised that every text you send via campus wifi is being monitored by good-humored nerds -- Halloween Party 

The World Wide What?

It is very mean to brag about your successful social media presence in front of a nerd -- The Canyonlands 

Even the internet can get bored with boobs -- Funhouse

You don't go viral by drinking vino -- The Deep House

True Love Means…

Marriage means occasionally dealing with rich pricks to show your love for your wife -- Orphan: First Kill

Not helping your wife find answers to her mental illness is bad husbandry, but it's still better than cheating -- Robert 

Filmmaking On a Budget

When in doubt about how well you're establishing a horror tone, cut to a closeup of ants -- The Toy Box 

If you have any reservations that your final runtime might be lacking, be sure to use a lush filming location so you can pad your film with tree shots. It works! -- The Resort 

Even in 2020, the best way to express a character as being bookish is to, you guessed it, make her the only cast member to wear glasses -- Seance 

When directing inexperienced actors, perhaps placing the cue cards directly behind the camera and not ten feet to the left will help your overall effect -- Things 

Survival 101

Maybe, just maybe, like, and I'm just throwing out a suggestion here: don't get blackout drunk around a vampire? -- V/H/S 94 

If you want half a chance at surviving an alien tube torture chamber, make sure you maintain a slim physique that can fit between sparsely spaced barbed wire -- Meander

Time Is Relative 

32 seconds is best defined as the time needed to move one plot point around efficiently -- Virus: 32 

To a kid, 35 is old -- The Box 

Reading People

Knowing your Sondheim doesn't make you an ally -- They/Them 

 trust a weird little white guy with a chip on his shoulder -- No Exit 

If you ever have trouble telling identical twins apart, remember this simple rule: the troubled one has black hair -- The Forest

Doctor YOU

You only have to look at a man to know he's sick -- Amityville 3D

A prostate gland treatment is hardly the end of the world -- Nothing But the Night

History At Every Angle

Indigenous children of the 18th century rocked perfect bangs — Eyes of Fire

19th century firearms took a few minutes to reload, but moving slightly out of the way of said firearms apparently took even longer -- The Last Thing Mary Saw 

A surprise perk of being the descendent of the Virgin Mary is that everyone wants to make you tea -- Ghost In the Graveyard 

If you're going to display valuable 100 year old artifacts on a vessel filled with thousands of (often drunk) civilians, maybe it would be worth another $10 to put them behind locked glass -- Titanic 666 

Etiquette In the Modern Age

It is inappropriate to tell knock knock jokes before breakfast -- The Believers 

Nothing says "trustworthy" like boasting 56 lovers and not having murdered a single one -- The Psychic

If you hire people every day, you should know better to call an applicant "a pretty girl" during her interview  -- At Granny's House

The Animal Kingdom

Leatherface masks come in wendigo sizes -- Antlers 

To know geese is to fear geese -- Grandmother's House 

We learned from Jaws: The Revenge that sharks can scream, and now Blood In the Water tells us they also-

Regional Facts & Travel Tips

Hell is a karaoke brunch spot that makes you sing for a menu -- Choose or Die 

To be in "New York shape" means you have brown hair and probably smoke -- I Blame Society 

Never confuse bad luck with not actually checking the voltage  -- Hell Trip 

Life Goals

Live your life in such a sunny manner that when you die, your friends dub you a gentle boob-- Rituals