Monday, January 23, 2017

Lessons Learned, Year 8

When done right, tradition is a beautiful thing. 

When done at the Doll's House, it's an educational thing. 

That's right: another year (number 8!!!) has ended, and while the official celebration happens next week with my look back at the best films I reviewed here this year, our preamble begins as always with a cumulative list of some of the most important, life-saving lessons amassed over the last 365 days.

As always, links to original review (and additional lessons) included.

Recent History
In the early 2000s, going to New Orleans was considered retro --Dark Ride

In the 1970s, it was totally acceptable for a nurse to seduce a mental patient providing foreplay involved a two-hour bath and extended dance party--Slaughter Hotel  


Around the House
Never store your sunscreen in a junk drawer --The Tortured

Candles are great props for home theater, but safety rules about keeping them away from curtains should still apply--After

Iron bars might not be the most inviting way to decorate your windows, but if they keep the evil wood monsters away from your baby, perhaps you should get over your HGTV snobbery and deal with it --The Hallow 

Never put your head under a window that doesn’t have a stopper, particularly if said window is in a room with sticky evil mirror fragments--The Boogey Man 

Behind the Wheel
The friendlier the cab driver, the higher the probability that he’s a satanist--Devil's Due

Don’t drive like an idiot and you won’t have to butterfly effect your life into a boring mess--The Butterfly Effect 2

The Laws of Modern Relationships
When parents get divorced, daddies move to Oregon--
Daddy's Girl

If a man doesn’t think you’re worth brand name candy, that is not a man for you

Getting your intended's parents to like you is a key element in the courting ritual--Homecoming

You don’t just unzip a man and say good night--Messiah of Evil

If you feel guilty about almost killing your girlfriend with your careless driving, the best way of showing it is to simply ignore her. She'll get the message -- Stalked By My Doctor

International Relations
In Austria, an unlocked door is an open invitation for Red Cross volunteers to enter your home--Good Night Mommy

Hell hath no fury like a li'l Canadian with an evil doll--Friday the 13th: The Series


Anthology Truths
Sigh. The usual. If you have boobs, a V/H/S camera will ogle them. If you have a vagina, you won't be allowed to do anything behind the camera. If you have motion sickness, a V/H/S camera will jam its fingers down your throat and vomit you. You get it.  --V/H/S Viral

For the Ladies
Edward Furlong is really good at naked cuddling - Awaken

A man who cries is a man who cannot haggle--Pompeii

A real man knows how to pick any lock, particularly one sealing a chastity belt --The Black Plague


Chat Roulette can be a surprisingly useful resource for potentially protecting yourself from vengeful ghosts -- Unfriended 


Antisocial Behavior Made Easy
Cottages are a great way to avoid committees and teas--Burn Witch Burn 

Apocalyptic Predictions  
If the 2016 presidential election hadn’t already established this, I’ll just go ahead and say it: North Carolina may be the beginning of the end

Many things will be extinct should the earth experience a devastating drought in the future, but none more missed than hair ties--The Last Survivors


Insulting Etiquette
Never call a psychotic repressed Christian homosexual “old”--Let Us Prey

Encyclopedias may seem like ancient relics on your bookshelves, but take away the internet and how else are you going to learn which berries won't kill you? --Into the Forest

In addition to sex and fighting, cyborgs are also very talented at knitting scarves--Cyborg 2


Law Enforcement
The physics of explosions are beyond mere cop comprehension--No Man's Land 

Real friendship means shaving you pal's upper back and letting him pour acid on your face--They Look Like People 


The Teenage Female

If you’re food shopping for a teenage girl in any movie made after 1995, always assume she’s a vegetarian to avoid the well-meaning offering of jerky only to have her tell you what I just did--Insidious: Chapter 3

Nothing celebrates turning 15 better than a murder confession and bouncy house--Besties

Eating a lot of chicken may bring on early menstruation--#Horror 


Self Help
One reason for not being happy all the time is that you're just not drinking all the time--

You know, don't kill innocent people and you won't go to hell or be forced to relieve a horrible monster chase for eternity--Southbound 


Fashion Tips
Never trust a man who wears a sports jacket to the beach (or a man who's Eric Roberts)--Stalked by My Doctor: The Return

Childcare Basics
If a conversation continues so long that it turns into a montage, it just may give a kidnapper enough time to swipe a child right out from under you--Kruel

Medical Emergency 101
The cure for a gushing stab wound is boiled water--Most Likely to Die 

Self-Defense Tips
Never bring a broken bicycle to a pitchfork fight--The Forest

Dining Out
Every town has a diner known for its pancakes--Creep 


Beverage Fun FactsNothing celebrates being demon-free better than an ice cold glass of Orange Crush--Ava's Possessions 

Drinking Fosters in a gay club will make you incredibly desirable to evil mummies--The Tale of the Mummy 

The Feminine MystiqueShockingly, women aren't thrilled when you announce your engagement to them before actually asking if they want to get married --The Visitor

A woman's heart does not have enough room for both prayer and creative writing--Ungodly Acts

Home Security 101
Butterflies make excellent guard dogs when it comes to backwoods cults--Bleed

As any rule of horror cinema goes, the cooler the house, the bloodier the party--The Invitation


When you meet a group of self-aware white twentysomethings, always assume they're filming you. Trust me: they are--The Houses October Built


Ranting Lesson to Male Directors

Look guys, I get it. Hot chicks wearing bras are hot. You know what hot chicks in bras are not? SLEEPING. Women. Don't. Sleep. In. Bras. Male directors who don't wear bras, talk to the women in your life or the actresses in your movie and ask them what they wear to bed. Trust me, it's not a piece of clothing with wires that dig into your sternum designed to keep your breasts in place when being active during the day. Do you wear a tie to bed? EXACTLY. --Leprechaun: Origins 



  1. I need to see that epic bike vs. pitchfork fight... though I doubt it's as cool as Prophecy's axe vs. chainsaw fight.

    Also, whenever I see scenes where women are sleeping with bras on I just assume the guys making the movie wanted her nude/topless but that that wasn't an option. Which makes just that bit sillier.

    1. Probably not, but it's zany enough that it's worth it!

      I'm sure you're right, but it drives me NUTS. Why not just have the chick wear a thin cami or tanktop without a bra?