Sunday, January 23, 2011

Lessons Learned, Year Two

Is it really that time of the year again? We're just two days short of The Deadly Doll's House's second birthday, a day that calls for a little lovin' and a lot o'learnin'. Even with a three-day deathwalk into limbo (thanks, Gmail hacker, for the best New Year's gift ever), we managed to cover about 70+ films that taught us everything from how to dress during time travel to why not to be a census taker. 

Hence, get your notebooks out and number 2 pencils sharpened. It's time for the annual roundup of Lessons Learned!

When staging a huge police ambush, bulletproof vests are optional and not encouraged if you think it might make your leatherwear less sexy--Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li
Girls, how many Saw IVs and Piranha 3Ds do you have to see before you get it: when in a horror movie, pack a hair tie and for the love of Pantene, USE IT!--Piranha 3D
When attending a party hosted by little people, try to avoid sporting a gigantic updo that adds about 6” to your already towering height--Tiptoes

Calla lilies make an elegant and surprisingly convenient wedding bouquet, particularly when you need to conceal a crow bar but don’t want to clash-A Boy and His Dog
The bigger the accessories, the bigger the racist--The Blind Side
When conducting an exorcism, nothing says fashion like a tear-away robe--The Exorcist III
In the '70s, vertically striped pants and mint green collared shirts earned you the description, "dishy"--And Soon the Darkness
Front-opening bras are useful for kitchen makeout sessions and quickie button-ups, but rather weak when it comes to actual chest support--The Collector
Like any person that loves comfort, Satan is not above lounging in a fluffy bathrobe--Vengeance of the Zombies

The most appropriate uniform for fighting carnivorous cave people is a smoking pair of hot pants--The Descent 2
Always be sure to wear a nude nylon stocking over your face when planning on killing a high profile businessman. Sure, your flashy one of a kind zoot suit might be a giveaway, but it never hurts to add a tad of discretion--Sugar Hill
Wedge heels can be quite inconvenient, particularly when your day will, without almost any doubt, include a whole lot of running--Triangle


Taking your dirty socks off at hotel restaurant won’t endear you to yuppies--Kalifornia
The best way to divert an uncomfortable conversation is to eat some very goooooood melon--Uzumaki
One should avoid smiling so cheerfully when giving a news report about a single mother found brutally murdered--iMurders
There’s an art to a good convoy, and it apparently includes introducing yourself awkwardly at rest stops--Amusement

When being chased by a long-legged killer, always be sure to pause so has time to catch up. After all, he is only walking and you don't want to be rude--Fear of Clowns 2

Home Decor
Nothing says classy digs like dinner on paper plates, leopard curtains with matching towels, and a framed portrait of a wolf--Bone Sickness

The Art of Love
In order to seduce a virginal fundamentalist, the secret is to kiss her earlobe--End of the Line
Your girlfriend may be slightly offended if you offer her money in exchange for sex--Day of the Dead
Seducing a model is incredibly easy, providing your have dangerously blue eyes and a hyena-like laugh--Dawn of the Mummy

The best way to get a girl in bed probably does not involve telling her you might throw up--Tenebrae
Don’t be too surprised if your claustrophobic girlfriend isn’t turned on by you smothering her face with a couch pillow--Dead Snow
When you’ve reached the limits of human horniness, the next logical step is to join a swim team--Hot Wax Zombies On Wheels
Young actresses: never agree to a participate in a sex scene with Rider Strong. His porn-ready name not withstanding, these moments generally feel awkward on camera and lead to your inevitable onscreen death--Tooth and Nail
In order to woo the pretty weird new girl, make sure you treat her like shit and constantly walk away while she’s talking. Chicks dig that.--Twilight
In case of virgin seduction, always keep an economy sized pack of votive candles on hand--Teeth
If you play your cards right on a first date, you can lose your virginity. If you play them wrong, you can be dry humped by a mutant--The Funhouse

Fine Cuisine
Don’t fuck with a zombie’s Twinkies--Zombie Death House 

Pistachio butter exists and it is awesome--Gamer

Hard candy from old people is always gross, even when said elderly are Satanists--House of the Devil

Cultural Trends

If you’re blond and the female protagonist in a 1980s film, there’s a more than likely chance your name is Linda--Hands of Steel
In the 18th century, the only cure for impotence was rape--Mark of the Devil
Unfriendly ETs have diverse film tastes, with interior design styles inspired by both Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory and A Clockwork Orange--Fire In the Sky

Rent negotiation was ridiculously easy and wonderful in the early ‘90s-The Refrigerator
Dear medieval or post-apocalyptic societies: just because you have one minor victory after decades of hardship does not give you the right to have a free-for-all party. If there’s one thing monsters like Grendel and dragons hate, it’s confidence--Reign of Fire
Sneaking mysteriously poisoned knives through customs was fairly simple in the ‘70s--Ganja and Hess

Doctor/patient confidentiality in Thailand is defined as thus: call a nurse. Ask for information regarding a future appointment of another person, and receive a complete medical history of said stranger along with a full report of past visits--Art of the Devil
It’s so effin awesome to comb brains out of your hair--Dead Clowns
Harlem is the experience playground of all people interested in becoming detectives--The Guy From Harlem

Little Life Lessons
If you’re a scientist in a dangerous situation, always be pretty so that marines will do favors for you-Doom
A game of limbo is a great way to see up your teacher’s skirt--Lady In White
Never accept an arm wrestling challenge from Meat Loaf. Especially if you’re 10--Motorama

Before going camping, make sure that at least one member of your party actually knows what to do with a tent.--Splinter
Think British. Look Yiddish-Xtro
When being asked what you're most afraid of by a stranger making you uncomfortable, it's best to simply lie and say something appealing, like peanut butter, bulldog puppies and coconut--Meadowoods
When drawing a safety circle for demon summoning, be sure to give yourself enough leg room. And possibly, a chamber pot-Lo

Putting your baby monitor on mute is about as logical as taking the caffeine out of coffee -Antichrist
It's perfectly normal for a child to never speak again after witnessing the horrific and bizarre death of his father--Silent Night, Deadly Night 5: The Toymaker
No matter what the film or target audience may be, Scout Taylor Compton remains a babysitter you should never trust with your children’s lives-Obsessed
First graders can be incredibly self-sufficient if your method of parenting is to occasionally look their way--Ringu
If your daughter is having violent night terrors, perhaps you shouldn’t send her off to boarding school--Audrey Rose

When enrolling your son in a mysterious boot camp thousands of miles from home, don’t forget his allergy list--Boot Camp

Hoop earrings are inappropriate accessories for child-rearing-The Children (2008)

An ideal solution to disciplining children is to threaten to scalp them-Day of the Animals

The People In Your Neighborhood: Town Sheriff Edition
Town Sheriff never pays for coffee-The Crazies

Never call in state troopers, even when multiple children are missing and several adults are turning up dead. You’re a town sheriff for crying out loud. You should be able to handle this yourself-The Children

Resist the urge to mock the hot-headed town sheriff until after he walks far enough out of earshot--Squirm

The People In Your Neighborhood: Everyone Else
Between Hannibal Lector and Rockwell Falls, census taking appears to be a career fraught with hazards-Population 436
In the absent night light, a cow is about the equivalent of a non-English speaking farmer--Dead of Winter
A few things worse than getting divorced: rape, murder, castration, and being hunted by angry undead hair dressers--Doghouse

Cardinal rules of T names remain in place. Just as any character named Tiffany is inevitably a slut, the heroic Tina follows her name in being your typical bitch--Skinned Deep
Dear nerds of the world: I don’t know how many movies can support this before you take note, but please believe me when I say the gorgeous popular girl does not want to sleep with you and if she does, she probably isn’t going to tell the whole school about it in order to lure you to her bed--Graduation Day
Villains in pairs only come in tall and skinny and short and fat. Should you be a mesomorph of average height, consider an alternate career--Cool As Ice
NYC cab drivers are crappy secret keepers-Magic
Not all peeping toms are necessarily bad people, but that doesn’t really make them any less creepy -The Wolf Man
It’s harder to blend in with mannequins than cartoons might have you think--The Omega Man

Health & Fitness

If getting a touch of infected blood on your skin will infect you, then running said hand through a buzzsaw and watching the blood squirt all over your face will surely be the cure-Cabin Fever 2

In some forms of therapy, it’s perfectly okay for the psychologist’s girlfriend to barge into a private session and discuss a canceled date in front of the stressed out patient slowly coming to terms with her incestuous urges--Gates of Hell
Though awful and impossible, mastering pull-ups in gym class is an incredibly useful life skill that should not be avoided in your elementary days--Frozen
Loyal Pilates practice will prepare you for all sorts of life survival--While She Was Out
Tall men have a lot of strength in their upper leg region--Sheitan
When stuck in a stressful situation with limited airflow, Vegas odds are 1000-1 that one of your companions will be asthmatic-Blackout

Vanna White drinks the blood of virgins and newborn babies; how else to explain the fact that the woman hasn’t aged a day in 39 years?-Graduation Day

Math Class
A math quiz: You must connect 9 people (6 of whom are deceased) in order to survive. If there is a 30% chance that you will be shot dead in 10 minutes and a 70% chance that someone else with information will be shot in 10, followed by a 50% chance that you will be shot in 20 plus a 50% chance that someone else with key information will be killed instead,  and a 100% certainly that you will die in 30 if you haven't figured convoluted plotting out, then how stupid are you for allowing the annoying DA to slowly tell her dramatic rape story, complete with inconsequential details about her feelings of power?--Nine Dead

Windchimes chiming are a sign that a dubbuk is near. They're also a sign that it’s windy-The Unborn

Tools & Transportation
Letting a chainsaw ‘rest for awhile’ won’t make it work later--Slashers

Not just in Clue: Candlesticks can be effective murder weapons--Repulsion

Dusty wheelchairs have bad attitudes--The Changeling

There is a magical Irish-filled isle off the coast of Delaware where all inhabitants dress like John Wayne or extras in the Oregon Trail--Survival of the Dead

The best way to fight evil is to be from Cincinnati. And to sing about it--Babes In Toyland

1980s New Mexico looked an awful lot like 1980s Sweden, straight down to the train interiors and sparsely furnished vampire lairs--Let Me In

Falling four feet off a ladder will kill you-Mommy

Always know where to find a projector-Organizm

Always pay close attention to the incredibly obvious musical cues. It will totally protect you from the inevitable jump scares.--Dead Birds

When in doubt, assume you’re surrounded by bear traps. Just trust me on that one--The Burrowers

Law Enforcement
Matters of the FBI are best kept between agents. There’s absolutely no need to call more than two reinforcements in at any point, even if you happen to be tracking a serial killer with a larger body count than Jason Voorhees--Saw 3D

All you can really hope to get out of fancy college is a designer drug addiction or stalker--Drive-Thru

The main rights of passage in turning into an adult include having sex, doing drugs, and directing a play--Deadly Little Christmas

In some universities, dressing to impress your esteemed professors means wearing skinny jeans with slutty leather halter tops--American Psych 2: All American Girl

Incest isn’t taught in school until after the third grade--Satan's Little Helper

Workers' Rights
When your boss makes a morning habit of attempting to rape you, the logical step when you’ve had enough is to call the Better Business Bureau--Street Trash

Animal Kingdom
Beta fish will be left behind--Left Behind: The Movie

Just because you feed your cruelly caged dogs does not mean they don’t secretly want to eat you--Eyes Without a Face

Pregnancy & Childbirth
If you live on a farm, you’ll know everything there is to know about birthing babies (unless, I suppose, you’re black)--Food of the Gods

Just cause you’re a girl means you CAN deliver a baby--Legion

The war for domination of a woman’s womb is best played by the card game War--Demonic Toys

Backwoods mutant births take less time than an Emmy acceptance speech by an unknown technical operator--Wrong Turn 2

Screenwriters, take note: never name a character “Marko” if a) he will be called for repeatedly and b) you don’t want your probably drunk/bored audience to retort “Polo!”--Alone In the Dark

I hope this has been at least as educational as one educational video you had to watch in high school, driver's ed, or lamaze class. Tune in on Tuesday for the official 2nd Anniversary Best of the Year Spectacular. Providing you follow at least one of these lessons, you should be able to make it that far.


  1. Wonderfully entertaining stuff! Keep up the good work and here's to a wonderful 3rd year of the Deadly Doll House!

  2. This is just made of win! My favorite part of your reviews, combined now, compilation sytle :)

    I cannot believe Silent Night, Deadly Night made it to a 5!

  3. I wish it kept going! 4 & 5 were on the up and up!

  4. No matter what the film or target audience may be, Scout Taylor Compton remains a babysitter you should never trust with your children’s lives.


  5. Whoo hoo, made a rule! Sweet! (and yes, it's only polite to pause so they can catch up--not all of them do their cardio like Leslie Vernon)

  6. I don't know Kangas, Shivers looks like a man who spends a fair amount of time in the gym. The big guy, on the other hand...