Sunday, August 22, 2010

Go Fish

Sunday. 10 AM. This:
Quick Plot: It’s a “big financial week” for Lake Victoria as spring break sends in all the obnoxious, tanned, and impressively trim twentysomethings for a few days of wearing bathing suits and dancing on boats to the whooing! of overly excited extras. Sheriff Julie Forester (played by Elisabeth Shue, aka the World’s Greatest Babysitter) prepares for the usual drunken shenanigans while her likable teenage son Jake stumbles upon the role of location scout for a Girls Gone Wild-esque production company.

It’s the dream job for any high schooler, but Jake's smile fades quickly due to the intense Joe Francis-ness of a hammy Jerry O’Connell and last minute invitation of his crush, Kelly (notable only for the fact that she’s played by a Gossip Girl cast member). Sure, that’s a bummer, but the sunny day gets even worse when the town discovers their wet t-shirt contests are being judged above a school of prehistoric and pretty hungry 3D!

Yes, there are boobs, Jaws references (despite the absence of a mayor, it seems to be an unspoken law to not close the water), boobs, penis feasts, boobs, and even actual breast implants (specifically). The primary characters are pretty much transported directly from Eight Legged Freaks and the story, rushed and to the point. Like a lot of recent creature feature fare, Piranha 3D has a knowing goofiness about itself that simply wants you to be happy. It’s almost like the movie is a cold bottle of beer thrusting itself into your mouth (but not in a rape way).
This is not to say Piranha 3D is an instant classic (one of my least favorite oxymorons) or the best popcorn flick since Orville Redenbocker discovered butter,. The movie has its flaws but like last year’s My Bloody Valentine, it knows its audience and has fun giving them what they paid for. The gloriously gruesome mass lake massacre is like a Jersey Shore viewer’s wet dream, made even juicier by the inclusuion of Eli Roth’s head getting squished by a piranha-scared boat.

High Points
I won’t reveal the opening cameo, but rest assured it’s a pretty great way to start a summer movie based in the water (even if mysterious guest star did walk through me without saying excuse me back in October)
Great Scott! Look who’s back:

Low Points
Though I dodged my usual 3D inspired headache, I did find myself squinting in minor pain in trying to decipher the piranhas through the foggy darkness. I understand that the lake was supposed to be polluted, but couldn’t there have been some sort of problem solving plot twist, like how piranhas urinate with cleansing light?

Note this guy is in a lighted aquarium. And he's still shady!
The Winning Line
“Hit it DJ Chocolate Thunder!”
I have a sneaking suspicion this is going to become my new go-to catchphrase
Lessons Learned
The reason to study pole dancing is primarily for developing life skills in order to escape carnivorous fish
Girls, how many Saw IVs and Piranha 3Ds do you have to see before you get it: when in a horror movie, pack a hair tie and for the love of Pantene, USE IT!
Piranhas eat humans in the same way shy girls on dates eat ribs, i.e., leaving most of the good meat on the bone

See/Skip/Sneak In
I’m starting to wonder if the new 3D trend is more to prevent theater hopping than to just juke up the ticket prices. This is a movie that doesn’t necessarily warrant $15 (though my cinema apparently has a $9 early bird show, making me thankful for my inner 75 year old) but it’s a darn good time that I thoroughly enjoyed. Summer cinema at its trashiest.



  1. I'm glad I'm not the only one that guffawed at DJ Chocolate Thunder. Great review!

  2. Thanks Mike! I was definitely the only one laughing at that (and a lot of other moments) in my theater, but to be fair, there were only about 7 others in there.

  3. Great review as always Em-Dogg! As for the movie: Oh my god. I hated/loved this movie. It's so incredibly stupid, but god was it funny. I was laughing in such an insensitive manner all throughout. I'm sure there were people in the theater who hated having us in the audience, but my cousin and I couldn't help but die from laughter. It was great!

    "Wet T-Shirts.... WET T-SHIRTS!!!"

  4. Thanks Josh! If people weren't laughing at this movie, they bought the wrong ticket. It was hilarious! Pretty much all of it! Kind of a perfectly dumb summer movie.

    Man, I just laughed out loud hearing that dying line again. Big win for me.

  5. You know what? I'll totally go see this. You've convinced me that this movie is exactly what I thought it was. And I'll get what I paid for. Everyone's a winner.

  6. I hope so Dusty! It's good trashy fun. As long as that's what you want, you should be satisfied.

  7. Most fun I've had at the theater this year. And I'll say it, AN INSTANT CLASSIC!!

  8. Soooooo wait til Netflix?

    And since when is Elisabeth Shue old enough to have a teenage son?

  9. Well, she could certainly have been a very young mom, judging from the promiscuity of the teens in this town!

    I think this is a great theater experience, but it's also just 90 minutes long and comes with that 3D price tag. Some might disagree with me, but I don't think the 3D made the film in any way, unlike, say, My Bloody Valentine where I think the film would definitely read a little stiff without your glasses. This is a definite recommend, but if you're reluctant to go to a theater, I don't think you'll lost anything watching it on video. Plus, a sequel has already been greenlit so I don't need to guilt you into making that happen :)

  10. Definitely fun. But now that it didn't make much money, I'm angry at the whiny horror fans. Can't wait until the next PG13 horror flick is announced so they can start whining again.

    F**k them. A fun, gory, boobie-filled horror flick and where were they? Man, I would have snuck into this like 5 times when I was 14...
    (wait, maybe that's why Vampires Suck made more money--kids buying ticks to that and going to Piranha instead...)

  11. But that's the genius of 3D: it's much less rewarding to sneak in, since you'll end up with a two-day headache from watching Dr. Katz onscreen.

    The silver lining is that for whatever reason, the good guys won and Piranha's sequel has already been announced.

  12. I missed the early bird special.....I knew 3-D movies were more $$ but when the chick asked for twenty five bucks, I just about had a 'I'm coming to see you, Elizabeth!' moment.