Horrible Non-Horror! Cool As Ice

When I describe myself as a self-proclaimed “film snob with bad taste,” I’m being about as honest as I possibly can. There’s something to be enjoyed in misguided, miswritten, miscalculated and overall mistakes of cinema that takes on a weird level of satisfaction I can’t possibly explain. The only ones who can? Netflix, perhaps, as their crack team of analyzers predicted that if given the chance, I would award 4.5 out of 5 stars to a certain little cubic zirconia of a film called...

Yeah. I went there.

Quick Plot:
Big haired, puffy pants Johnny (you know who) hangs with his homeboys, driving neon-hued dirt bikes through town and earning the resentment and terror of older square white folks in the neighborhood. When one of the gang has some mechanical trouble, Johnny leads his friends to the Nice Part of Town where he immediately falls in love with an overachieving high school senior named Kathy (though he dubs her Cat, which confuses her poor non-feline owning mother).

But hold up homie! This KitKatt hottie has a secret even she don’t be knowin! Turns out, Pops Michael Gross is in the Witness Protection Program but once two bad boyz catch on to his identity, there be trouble in the hizouse. Kidnap-youngest-child trouble, yo.


I could go on, but you already know this is one of the best films ever made. Here are a few reasons why:


1. Because this is a W-A-C-K-Y movie, Ice and pals find Mae & Roscoe, the WACKIEST mechanics EVER, a married couple who finally prove that Pee-Wee Hermann did indeed come from somewhere. Between the candy-colored walls, Easter eggs on the table, oversized salt and pepper shakers, and audacity of Mae’s red hair, this kooky pair exist solely to make Vanilla Ice not look like the stupidest thing onscreen

2. In a further display of wackiness, Johnny’s pal enjoys a lunch sandwich composed of peanut butter, pickles, mustard, pineapple, and anchovies while waiting for Mae & Roscoe to fix his bike. Meanwhile, Johnny passes the time by, duh, dancing. Yup. No magazines or crochet needles here!


3. Johnny awakens his sleeping soon-to-be-first-date by dripping ice water on her lip. Isn’t this how you make your frenemies pee in their pajamas at slumber parties?

4. The amount of records that were scratched to death while making this movie rival the death toll of the American Civil War. It’s something of a tragedy


5. When being kissed, Johnny makes the noise I tend to release when eating a really good cheeseburger


6. The first date receives not one, but TWO musical montages wherein the young lovebirds prance around a construction site, play with a hose, drive a horse, ride a motorcycle, frolic in a grassy field, exchange hats, dance on a beach, make out, jog, and shake the wind out of their hair. Those Naked Gun kids were positively dull


7. Johnny wears shorts. A lot.

8. Johnny proves his literacy by spelling, in both rap and dialogue, actual words including G-O and O-U-T. Take that, high school dropout Renee Russo!


Also, there’s a lot of education to be found here. Observe:


Lessons Learned
The best way to flirt with a girl is probably not by knocking her off a horse and risking lifetime paralysis. Then again, that might not matter if your hair is 6” high, your chest mildly hairy, and your demeanor about as pleasant as a twenty year old jogging shoe stored inside a block of cheddar cheese


But seriously, why isn’t this girl dead?





Villains in pairs only come in tall and skinny and short and fat. Should you be a mesomorph of average height, consider an alternate career


If you’re a participant in the Witness Protection Program, appearing on the local news isn’t the best idea you’ve ever had


Along with that, one should probably write down the phone number to the Witness Protection Program and keep it handy in case of emergency. Or remember to call someone in the position of authority when two men who want you dead stop by your house to threaten the lives of your entire family. Much like chlamydia, ignoring the problem generally just makes it worse


The Winning Line
“Here’s one for the mother: Ugh!* Ugh ugh!*

*aggressive pelvic thrusting aimed at my mother


Rent/Bury/Buy
Long out of print, Cool As Ice is currently on Netflix’s Instant Watch and by golly, why are you still reading this review as opposed to slicking up your hair, popping open a New Coke and stuffing yourself with all the empty calories this movie has to offer? What’s wrong with you homie? You zonin? Finish making sex and get on this! Quit driving your horse, yup yup, check this, and homeboy this. What what?*

*So I’ve been reading The Exorcist and I should probably tell you that I occasionally black out, during which time my body seems to do things I don’t remember later. Did I say something out of character?