Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Horrible Non-Horror! Cool As Ice

When I describe myself as a self-proclaimed “film snob with bad taste,” I’m being about as honest as I possibly can. There’s something to be enjoyed in misguided, miswritten, miscalculated and overall mistakes of cinema that takes on a weird level of satisfaction I can’t possibly explain. The only ones who can? Netflix, perhaps, as their crack team of analyzers predicted that if given the chance, I would award 4.5 out of 5 stars to a certain little cubic zirconia of a film called...

Yeah. I went there.

Quick Plot:
Big haired, puffy pants Johnny (you know who) hangs with his homeboys, driving neon-hued dirt bikes through town and earning the resentment and terror of older square white folks in the neighborhood. When one of the gang has some mechanical trouble, Johnny leads his friends to the Nice Part of Town where he immediately falls in love with an overachieving high school senior named Kathy (though he dubs her Cat, which confuses her poor non-feline owning mother).

But hold up homie! This KitKatt hottie has a secret even she don’t be knowin! Turns out, Pops Michael Gross is in the Witness Protection Program but once two bad boyz catch on to his identity, there be trouble in the hizouse. Kidnap-youngest-child trouble, yo.

I could go on, but you already know this is one of the best films ever made. Here are a few reasons why:

1. Because this is a W-A-C-K-Y movie, Ice and pals find Mae & Roscoe, the WACKIEST mechanics EVER, a married couple who finally prove that Pee-Wee Hermann did indeed come from somewhere. Between the candy-colored walls, Easter eggs on the table, oversized salt and pepper shakers, and audacity of Mae’s red hair, this kooky pair exist solely to make Vanilla Ice not look like the stupidest thing onscreen

2. In a further display of wackiness, Johnny’s pal enjoys a lunch sandwich composed of peanut butter, pickles, mustard, pineapple, and anchovies while waiting for Mae & Roscoe to fix his bike. Meanwhile, Johnny passes the time by, duh, dancing. Yup. No magazines or crochet needles here!

3. Johnny awakens his sleeping soon-to-be-first-date by dripping ice water on her lip. Isn’t this how you make your frenemies pee in their pajamas at slumber parties?

4. The amount of records that were scratched to death while making this movie rival the death toll of the American Civil War. It’s something of a tragedy

5. When being kissed, Johnny makes the noise I tend to release when eating a really good cheeseburger

6. The first date receives not one, but TWO musical montages wherein the young lovebirds prance around a construction site, play with a hose, drive a horse, ride a motorcycle, frolic in a grassy field, exchange hats, dance on a beach, make out, jog, and shake the wind out of their hair. Those Naked Gun kids were positively dull

7. Johnny wears shorts. A lot.

8. Johnny proves his literacy by spelling, in both rap and dialogue, actual words including G-O and O-U-T. Take that, high school dropout Renee Russo!

Also, there’s a lot of education to be found here. Observe:

Lessons Learned
The best way to flirt with a girl is probably not by knocking her off a horse and risking lifetime paralysis. Then again, that might not matter if your hair is 6” high, your chest mildly hairy, and your demeanor about as pleasant as a twenty year old jogging shoe stored inside a block of cheddar cheese

But seriously, why isn’t this girl dead?

Villains in pairs only come in tall and skinny and short and fat. Should you be a mesomorph of average height, consider an alternate career

If you’re a participant in the Witness Protection Program, appearing on the local news isn’t the best idea you’ve ever had

Along with that, one should probably write down the phone number to the Witness Protection Program and keep it handy in case of emergency. Or remember to call someone in the position of authority when two men who want you dead stop by your house to threaten the lives of your entire family. Much like chlamydia, ignoring the problem generally just makes it worse

The Winning Line
“Here’s one for the mother: Ugh!* Ugh ugh!*

*aggressive pelvic thrusting aimed at my mother

Long out of print, Cool As Ice is currently on Netflix’s Instant Watch and by golly, why are you still reading this review as opposed to slicking up your hair, popping open a New Coke and stuffing yourself with all the empty calories this movie has to offer? What’s wrong with you homie? You zonin? Finish making sex and get on this! Quit driving your horse, yup yup, check this, and homeboy this. What what?*

*So I’ve been reading The Exorcist and I should probably tell you that I occasionally black out, during which time my body seems to do things I don’t remember later. Did I say something out of character?


  1. WOW.

    first off--you make your frenemies pee at sleepovers by placing their hand in a bowl of warm water.

    secondly---I am going to start reading the Exorcist any day now!? How weird is that

    Thirdly......this looks like the best movie ever made. wow.

  2. Thanks to Ms. Intravia, I have officially crossed an item off my bucket list. Don't judge.

    When I was a wee lad, I thought Ice was pee your pants cool. This movie only furthers that belief. I mean how many people can get in the knickers of a rich girl, turn an ENTIRE bar of poindexters into rockin' party goers while at the same time, dry humping said rich girl on the dance floor IN FRONT of her boyfriend? Not too mention going all ninjitsu on the boyfriend and his douchey pals AND saving the day by coming to the family's rescue while also perfectly maintaining no less that 4 different hair styles throughout the course of his adventure. You know who can? NO ONE. 'Cus it's Ice Ice Baby, too cold, too cold....

  3. 1stly: Were you one of the girls that froze the bra of the first slumberer to fall asleep? Now I have to hate you (because I always fall asleep early and did indeed awaken to the resignment that I'd be wearing a very cold bra).

    2ndly: Weiiiiiiiiiiiiird. I had found my copy being thrown away on the street (I heart NY) and finally had to read it when on a plane and barred from listening to podcasts. I'm really enjoying it, have just another 50 pages or so to go. More details soon!

    3rdly: It is. Seriously.

  4. Hahah no. but one time we tried to do the warm water thing to our friend no one liked but it didn't work. She just woke up instead and was confused about why we were dunking her hand in warm water.

    Excellent. I may pick it for my book club or possibly Legion, I can't decide!

  5. Man oh man, I'm definitely gonna watch this ASAP... I have notified my brothers of this amazingly awesome movie and I plan on inviting them to watch this with me along with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze as Vanilla Ice busts a move in that as well.

  6. PoT: All of what you say is every young woman's fantasy. I think.

    Emily (not me): All I can really say to that is go ninja, go ninja, go.

    Andre: A real, sit in the circle and share muffins bookclub or a virtual Interwebbed version?

  7. A real one! With real people. Most are scaredy cats though so I'm looking forward to bringing the spooky.

  8. Nice! I almost joined one of those when I was living abroad, but the selection list scared me for different reasons.

  9. You've all got it wrong:

    What you do is put ice (no pun intended) in the underwear while your bud is sleeping.

    This reads like bad fanfic and I'm certain your review is much more entertaining than the actual movie.

    That 'zero to hero' line was enough for me to gamble on its absurdity while in the company of others and needing a good laugh.

  10. That's so complicated Ashlee! You have to really bet that your friend/enemy is a heavy sleeper (luckily for my foes I can sleep through a tornado so now I'll be on watch next time I have a slumber party).

    And yes, this is the definition of a party movie. A drinking game is just a sip away.