Vagrinders

Were I still in college, I imagine I’d write what would seem to be a Really Important Research Paper on the thematic depths of Teeth. True feminist horror! A woman scorning before she can be scorned! The perfect slumber party feature! Fun for the whole blended family!

At the crochety age of 28, Teeth is probably *slightly* less mind blowing and charming than it would have been were I younger or less versed in self-aware cinema. Still, this 2007 film is absolutely good-humored, refreshingly smart, and giddily disgusting.

Quick Plot: “I’ll show you mine, you show me yours” ends as I imagine may often be the case, in a little prick o’ blood (my punning is Crypt Keepertastic!). The bloody index finger belongs to a bratty young Brad, a hellion of sorts who grows up harnessing an icky crush on his kid stepsister Dawn (Jess Weixler).

Flashing forward 15 years, Dawn now spends some afternoons giving perky pep talks to a promise ring-wearing club of creepily young children, all vowing together to save their most special gift (psst: the one between their legs) for marriage. Fresh-faced with a constant smile, Dawn makes Marcia Brady look like a harlot but things begin to change when she meets puppy eyed born again virgin Tobey.

Apparently, G-rated dating is really difficult (possibly because activities are restricted to G-rated movies involving talking animals) and before long, Tobey is on top of the protesting Dawn, their plastic chastity rings entwined in pain.

Two very different types of pain, as we soon learn. As Dawn resists, Tobey lets out a Fay Wrayish scream. Turns out Dawn has more than well-toned Kegel muscles in her special place, and this unseen force is sharp, hungry, and very in tune with women’s rights.

Although anyone who’s read a word about Mitchell Lichtenstein’s Teeth knows its premise, the film takes a surprising amount of time to reveal what’s underneath Dawn’s always zipped jeans. While parts of the buildup feel a little slow, this works well to develop Dawn as a young woman more complicated than the squeaky clean caricature she’s in danger of being.  Her gift/curse is all the more interesting in light of her frustrated sexuality, something actress Jess Weixler brings out with a fantastic balance of humor and weight.

If Teeth has a biting issue (get it? pun), it’s the not-entirely-taut second act details. There’s one possibly dead body floating around an eden-like forest and a dying mother whose presence is shaking up an already fragile family dynamic, but it’s a little hard to fully latch onto Dawn’s dilemma when we’re not sure precisely what direction it’s meant to head.

That being said, it’s easy to like Teeth and on an eventual second viewing, even adore. Both men and women will occasionally be crossing their legs with the same speed sparked by certain scenes in Antichrist.  This time, however, we can do with with a smile. 

And nervous chuckle.

High Points

I didn’t realize how much I was enjoying Teeth until, oddly enough, I reached the gynecologist scene, which is pitch perfect in both humor and horror. The way it begins in  a comfortable and kind place before slowly slipping into Hand That Rocks the Cradle territory is staged with such a careful touch that makes the audience relax, squirm, then cheer

Lead Weixler is in just about every scene and she does a damn fine job of balancing cavity inducing sweetness with a surprisingly grounded sense of growing up

Low Points

While I thoroughly enjoyed the development of Dawn’s character, a lot of viewers may be less thrilled with a nearly 45 minute first act more in line with Saved! than Saw

Lessons Learned

There’s way too much petting in PG13 rated films

In case of virgin seduction, always keep an economy sized pack of votive candles on hand

Be honest with your gynecologist. Really honest.

Rent/Bury/Buy

This is the kind of modern dark comedy that makes genre fans smile from beginning to end. At times, its tongue-in-cheek humor feels a tad too cute, but three severed penises, a solid and appealing star, and a snappy script make Teeth a film well worth checking out. Fans of Ginger Snaps will see perfect double feature potential, a sort of sexual empowerment of teenage girldom with more genital blood (a different KIND, of course). Currently on Instant Watch, the DVD is quite extra heavy, with a featurette, deleted scenes, and director commentary, all making a purchase more than endorsed by me.