Get Down With the (Bone) Sickness

It seems like just yesterday that T.L.Bug and I were trading movies over pizza and bottled beer, but that’s just because I received photographic evidence of said exchange just...this morning.

That’s right, it’s our monthly movie swap, this time done LIVE. Well, not really, but kinda in the closest way we could get! Surrounded by podcasters, bloggers, circus folk and friendly waitresses, Bugg and I traded our own physical copies of movies (yes, they still make those) for review. 

Photographic evidence!!!

Fly over to The Lightning Bug's Lair today for his review of Cut, a Scream-y slasher starring Molly Ringwald at her bitchiest (i.e., best).

But first, here’s a little something something given to me:

Quick Plot: Kristen is trying to take care of her bone sick husband Alex, but life is tough when your only real healthcare system equals your best friend digging up dead bodies and grinding them into a delicate paste that goes okay with granola and milk. 

Clearly, this was made during the Bush administration.

And probably right around the time the economy started being a jerk.

See, Bone Sickness is a low budget movie, a fact one will know as soon as the very first shot-on-video scene rolls before our eyes. Sure, there was enough cash for a fog machine and some form of bribery to get every single female actress to take off her blouse, but whatever meager leftover funds remained were clearly pinched at every corner the filmmakers could find.

For that, Bone Sickness really isn’t that bad. Writer/director Brian Paulin is clearly a splatter fan, and he doesn’t shy away from delivering some occasionally Halloween-y, occasionally believable (from a butcher shop) gore, baby maggots and all. Although the effects are hit and miss, some are quite impressive in an ‘80s Italian zombie kind of way. It doesn’t quite make up for the barely-there character conversations that seem to overpower the first half as the foggy plot dies off for a somewhat unrelated third act, but hey: we get a quick shot of skeleton zombies having sex.

I think. They may have just been doing pushups. It was dark.

High Points

Though some of the casting makes it hard to fully buy the never really defined love triangle, I did like the basic setup of Kristen trying her most earnest to save her dying husband. I just kind of wish the actor who played her husband never spoke

Low Points

Just because your camera has these fun buttons like ‘night vision’ and ‘filter’ does not necessarily mean you have to use them

Talking zombies--especially when covered in gooey makeup that limits some mouth muscles--really shouldn’t be given monologues during your film’s climax

Lessons Learned

Nothing says classy digs like dinner on paper plates, leopard curtains with matching towels, and a framed portrait of a wolf

If storing human meat in your fridge, it’s probably best to label the contents or get used to the taste

Feathered bangs are no man's friend

The dead don’t enunciate

Rent/Bury/Buy

Bone Sickness is by no means a good film, but it’s a strong enough entry into the under-$5000 budget genre of DIY movie-making to not warrant any hatred from me. Splatter zombie fans might enjoy the effects, which include an extended (and kind of out of nowhere) finale that involves what I imagine were every individual that ever owed the filmmakers a favor getting eaten. If cheap and dirty horror ain’t your thing, stay away. Unless you like boobs, which you get to see quite often. Which reminds me of a high point I almost neglected:

Thank you, Mr. Paulin (pictured above), for only asking the ladies to disrobe. It doesn’t do anything for me personally, but as more clothes started to fall off, I became more and more worried I’d have to sit through gratuitous nudity involving some men who are, to be kind, just not my taste. Your restraint is appreciated.