Lessons Learned, 5 Years a Champ!

Here at the Doll's House, we have something of a tradition during the drudges of January. Upon the almost-anniversary (5 years strong as of January 29th), I take a full-year inventory of all the lessons learned from the sometimes glorious, sometimes, you know, special in other ways films watched here and boil them down to the one most important kernel of knowledge from each.

So break out your notebook and a sharpened pencil. It's time to learn!

Around the Home

Cheap razors are not the ideal tool for shaving off supernatural clown makeup—Scary Or Die

Being female gives one a genetic aptitude towards cooking and cleaning—Link

A small ice cream stain on one's dress generally calls for a luxurious bubble bath—The Babysitter

Basic Survival

The trick to surviving a Good Friday black mass is to shove a Eucharist down the chanters’ throats with all the fervor of Kristy Swanson at the finale of Flowers In the Attic—Little Witches 

After shooting and *maybe hitting an insane killer responsible for the deaths of at least two much larger men, the best course of action to immediately take after the body disappears is to throw your still-loaded gun on the floor. OBVIOUSLY—Deadly Blessing 

In case of apocalypse, be sure to wear layers--I'm Not Jesus Mommy

Don’t go clubbing. Ever—The Collection

Relationships 101

Marriage can be defined as wishing death upon each other--Trapped Ashes 

If you want your boyfriend to take a group of white people to shark-infested waters, the best way to convince him is to turn up the stereo in a local bar and dance as if you’re auditioning to be a fully clothed stripper—Blood Surf 

History Revealed

In the 17th century, nobody stood up to evil. Also in the 17th century, Christians used teeth whiteners while heathens brushed theirs with dirt and acid—Solomon Kane

The Facts of Life

No matter how far into the future you go, no man will ever evolve far enough to not be confounded by the complications of a net—Hell 

Beauty generally fades with age, though acting ability apparently fades with age reversal—Troll

No grandma is cooler than Cloris Leachman. Actually, no living human being is cooler than Cloris Leachman—The Fields

Anatomy & Health

With heart problems, limit nightly activities to one drink and one cigar—Something Wicked This WayComes

It is possible to possess stunning green eyes up until the age of five or six, only to see them turn a pleasant if plain brown once you reach your mid-20s—Carnival of Souls

A herpatologist treats herpes, so if you don’t have ‘em, you don’t need one--Sinister 

One should always find the right balance between cannibalism and sunshine—Grimm Love

In some cultures, a third nipple is a sign of sexual prowess—The Man With the Golden Gun 

Gourmet Cooking

Microwaving a miniature poodle is suitable for 2 minutes and 59 seconds, but as soon as you hit the 3 minute mark, you can expect an explosion of baked beans—The Willies 

Never pair a potato pancake with a French bulldog--Sleep Tight 

Canned beef stew might taste like death, but its nutritious contents will help to keep your hair looking decent and shiny for a few months—House Hunting 

Parenting For Dummies

The best way to get an unruly child to take his medicine is to call in creepy bunny children pallbearers—Pinocchio 

I understand that in the midst of a blackout and home invasion, it’s tough to maintain order, but by the third “let’s split up and find the kids” interim, take a moment to put a bell on your spacey daughter already--The Purge

If you play with plastic bags, Nicole Kidman will tie you up and feed you to the kid monster—Malice 

The best way to expel an evil ghost child is to beat yourself a little with a birch branch, Russian banya style—Kill Baby, Kill 

I said it before, and I see no reason to not say it again: taking a motorized boat low on gas to an isolated island in very hot weather with your very pregnant wife is in no way the smartest idea you’ve ever had, I hope—Come Out And Play

Never take parenting advice from a scarecrow – Baby Blues 

There are probably easier ways to keep an older boy from dating your daughter than to invite said older boy over for what's supposed to be a pleasant dinner party then suck down an entire bottle of red wine and slobber into an awkward fight with your teen. Easier, but none as entertaining...—The House At the End of the Street 

Around the World

British bystanders are the least helpful—Screamtime 

Perhaps it explains my clumsiness as something blood-related: Italians are not very good at walking, at least if it involves passing another person without crashing into them--Giallo 

In Canada, cops trust the men they arrest to just seat themselves in the backseat of police cars—The Clown Murders 

Voodoo is like disco, but with less poom poom—Ritual 

Fashion

Torturing and/or genetically modifying the human body is an act best done while wearing 6" heels—American Mary

Nothing is quite as flammable as a polyester dress from the 1970s—Bones 

Collectibles

Chekhov’s Law of Baseball Cards: If you feature a rare one, you best have an ugly poop-looking puppet destroy it—Goobers 

Freudian Analysis

The suppressed desires of your average college student circa 1984 include ballerinas, cowboys, showgirls, construction workers, surgeons, penises, KISS, and mimes—The Initiation 

It’s every girl’s dream to be Miss Crustacean –The Bay 

The average man dreams 27 times a night—Red Lights  

Most teddy bears fantasize about being born in Ohio—Chasing the Kidney Stone 

Fun With Words

Words that rhyme with brattitude include platitude, latitude, gratitude, and attitude--Bratz: The Movie 

In Central Asianspeak, My mother's a pediatrician" translates to "Yes, she is a crack whore"—Rollerball 

If you're wealthy, 'curious' and 'tragic' essentially mean the same thing—Dead of Night

En espanol, 'baby shower' translates to 'bay-bee shower'--Baby Shower

Internet-speak abbreviations were actually popularized by punkette mediums that dress like k.d. lang--Witchboard

Good To Know

You can learn a lot of shit at computer club—My Little Eye 

The best thing about having Charles Durning pursue you on foot is that even if you haven’t eaten in a few days, you’ll probably be able to outrun him pretty easily—When a Stranger Calls 

Potent Potables

When making a bargain martini, a pretzel is a sufficient, if not quite desirable substitute for an olive—The Thirteenth Floor 

There are ways to make tequila very unsexy. They tend to involve slobbery prostitutes with poodle hair—Mom 

The Animal Kingdom

It is impossible to dodge tarantulas without looking as though you are skipping down the Yellow Brick Road—Kingdom of the Spiders 

Never trust a moth. When it comes to horror movies, those things never have good intentions—Mama 

Even when they're eating someone's face off, bats in closeup are pretty darn adorable—The Abominable Dr. Phibes

Cinema Secrets

When filming, even with a low budget, it’s important to notice the little things, like when a large piece of hair is stuck to the center of your camera and therefore visible in several key scenes—Manhattan Baby 

When filmed in close-up, even a Pop-Tart can be frightening—Silent Hill: Revelations