Wednesday, March 6, 2013


We did get to give an official goodbye to The Shortening, but it will return next year with an even more vertically challenged vengeance. Until then, let's go big!

There's nothing like a good, pardon the expression, WTF movie. What, you of a clean mouth ask, is a WTF movie? The Emily answer is the kind of film that cannot be watched without its audience constantly mouthing the PG-13-rated question with a look of utter confusion in their eyes. Obviously something as bizarrely conceived as The Nutcracker In 3D qualifies, but so do smaller scale ventures like the 75% stock footage Hybrid or the what-exactly-are-they-going-for confusion of Grizzly Park. These are movies that enjoy tossing strange touches where you least expect them, like casting Albert Einstein in a children's fairy tale or ending on a breast implant joke.

Blood Surf is a minor WTF movie. On one hand, it's no worse than your average made-for-SyFy original, yet it makes two choices that instantly put it into this elite category:

1. It features blatantly brain-dead, rarely clothed characters starting the film with questions like "What was the name of that shark movie?" (the answer, as another brain-dead character says unsurprisingly, is "Jaws") 

2. It occasionally acts like a good movie

When you combine these things, you get W + T + F

Quick Plot: A pair of 'blood surfers' (dudes who use the word 'dude' and surf in shark-infested waters) head to a tropical paradise with their sexy Australian documentation and her sleazy producer boyfriend in order to score some ace footage in a remote area that even the locals fear. Thankfully, there's a nice native couple with a slutty daughter who are happy to take them to certain death, even though the mysteriously grizzled Aussie and his even sluttier girlfriend refuse to travel to that side of the island.

You might think I'm being a little harsh on the women in this movie, but I'm working with I got here. The young native Lemmya seduces one of the surfers before he can get an honest answer about her age. Aussie's girlfriend appears in three different shirts during the course of the film, none of which reach her waist. She's also prone to flashing her small chest with the same regularity as Judy Greer on Arrested Development, even if the looker in question is a crocodile (thus leading us to her positively RuPaulian pun, "Now THAT'S what I call croc-teasing!"). 

Worst of the three is Cecily, the token lead who seems to be dating the comically reprehensible producer only to rather quickly get over his (spoiler for something that you know is coming) death by moving on to the OTHER surfer who's name is Bog. 

No, I'm serious.

I haven't even mentioned the rapey pirates, Shark Attack 3: Megladon-esque death, or Sean William Scott impressions. All of these things are as strange as they are entertaining, for despite a good 45 minute tease before its inevitably disappointing monster reveal, Blood Surf is a pretty darn entertaining time. The movie has a certain Anaconda charm right down to its almost adorable special effects. We're talking about the kind of movie that has a 17-year-old having softcore water sex with a surfer as her parents get eaten by a giant monster crocodile. We're talking about the kind of movie that later has the same giant monster crocodile save our plucky heroine from pirate rape. 

Blood Surf's most important death scene is somehow played simultaneously for scares, tears, AND laughs and I don't know which of the three was intentional. It's as if this movie exists in its own wonderful dimension where the world is what you make of it.

High Points
I know you think I'm joking, but seriously: the slow reveal of the gigantic crocodile monster is actually executed with skill by Children of the Corn III director James D.R. Hickox

Low Points
Look, I didn't say the gigantic crocodile LOOKED good. I just said it was TEASED well

Croc-teased well

Lessons Learned
Just because you're about to rape an Australian is no reason to forget about the deadly booby traps you previously prepared

If you want your boyfriend to take a group of white people to shark-infested waters, the best way to convince him is to turn up the stereo in a local bar and dance as if you’re auditioning to be a fully clothed stripper

It's usually the ones you don't like that you end up with (especially 10 minutes after your boyfriend is eaten)

Blood Surf was streaming on Instant Watch for some time, and that's certainly the best way to watch it. Unfortunately, it recently moved out of that queue and the good person in me can't ACTUALLY recommend you put any real effort in seeking it out. This is an enjoyable goofy monster movie about pretty people getting hilariously eaten by a giant crocodile. If it comes your way, chomp down as fast as you can. Or just sit there with your giant tooth-filled mouth open with the knowledge that a sleazy chicken producer is about to grab a surfboard and float straight into your jugular. It's both the second big kill of the film AND a great way to eat your lunch.


  1. Oh, cool! This is going straight after Universal Soldier 6 in my "to-watch" queue.

  2. I think I recall you talking about this on GOF, but I could be cray-zay, too. I did have this one in my queue because I loved the awesome cover (featuring a moment I am sure happens in the film), but alas, it is no longer there. Hopefully it makes a Netflix comeback or maybe shows up on Chiller at some point.

  3. It might have been Barb, since her hubby recommended it to me. I feel like this is SO Mattsuzaka ready. Keep it in your queue to see if it gets to Instant. Or hey, maybe it will end up on SyFy! (minus the boobs though...)

    1. Sheeit, I meant to say The Feminine Critique!

  4. Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet.

  5. I wouldn't be shocked if Barb brought it up on GOF. We saw this a LONG time, ago. Either way, glad you had fun with it, Em.

  6. I remember you recommending it on Twitter, but I'm sure Barb spoke about it as well. It's a memorable one!