Sunday, January 24, 2010

70 Things I've Learned This Year

It seems like just yesterday that a little blond child actress started cursing like a Rob Zombie final girl upon befriending a ratty doll, but sure enough, exactly one year has passed since The Deadly Doll’s House opened its tiny virtual door to review Cathy's Curse . Sadly, I failed to put a devil dog in my freezer that day to eat now in honor of the occasion, but I do have at least two treats (of laziness) prepared for you this week. We’ll get to the main attractions later, but today’s anniversary celebration will be nothing less than a linguistic clip show of EDUCATIONAL proportions.

That’s right, combing through my archives, I’ve compiled a list of some of the more useful Lessons Learned in 2009 (and 1/13th of 2010), all skillfully copied and pasted from reviews, with easy-click links if, as Starship Troopers might ask, you'd like to learn more. Use them wisely, for the day may indeed come when you find yourself trapped in a cornfield populated by pickaxe wielding children, coaching a gym class that includes the antichrist, or sitting on a subway with a Forrest Gumpish Vinnie Jones.

Lessons On Health:
1. To tend a near mortal wound, all you really need is a sprinkle of oregano-Broken 

2. Speaking to God will make you rapidly age ten years before your 22nd birthday; other side effects include going on a killing spree-God Told Me To 

3. Syphilis can be transmitted through catfighting-Patrick Still Lives 

4. When taking experimental Plan B tablets, it’s probably best to not to wash it down with a glass of Merlot-It’s Alive 

5. Never trust a burger served by Beatniks-The Bloody Brood 

Social Manners:
6. Telling someone “you ain’t got no character” is a great way to make your friends laugh for five minutes-Silent Warnings 

7. Don’t piss off Burt Young when he’s wearing a belt-Amityville II: The Possession 

8. The best way to assert yourself is to bite into an especially crunchy piece of celery-Empire of the Ants 

9. When walking by a homicidal mob, it’s best not to audibly call them little bastards if you don’t want to then be chased by sickle and rake wielding brats  

On Friendship:
10. Always stay in touch with your obsessive college hookups, particularly if they’re well-versed in the art of birthing babies, negotiating the price of a used RV, and wig shopping 

Sex & Dating:
11. Men named Morty are never good for you-The Monster That Challenged the World 

12. High school sex smells like Thai food-Jennifer’s Body 

13. Learning how to read takes about the same amount of time as having safe sex with a turkey-ThanksKilling 

14. Suggesting your girlfriend dress like a boxy robot will make her feel inadequate and bitchy-Trick ‘R Treat 

15. Contrary to popular belief, not all women enjoy a smoke after being raped-Tombs of the Blind Dead 

16. It's very possible to rape a woman to death without external genitalia

Natural Wonders:
16. Snakes not only bite, they also push people off ladders and set fire to their barns-Rattlers 

17. Grabbing the breast of a 16 year old southern belle will summon all sorts of inner strength-Netherworld 

18. Whether you’re goblin, cow, or uvula, there’s always something bigger to come and eat you

Fierce Fashion:
18. Liberace’s costume designer comes from a long line of vampires-Underworld: Rise of the Lycans 

19. When trying to dress incognito, avoid wearing cowgirl hats, dangly earrings, pinstriped coats, and gigantic sunglasses. Not only will you NOT blend in; you’ll also look rather stupid (except to bodyguards, who will be inexplicably turned on)-Blue Sunshine 

20. When in doubt, always say no to pleather-Office Kille

21. Ghosts of children that died in 1996 dress like Victorians and are kind of a drag-The Uninvited 

22. Smooth Eddy always looks good-Rabid 

23. Avoid wearing jingly bell accessories if your main activity of the evening is scheduled to be stalking

On Filmmaking:
24. When in need of a quick ghost effect and cursed with a low budget, lease a player piano-Hellgate 

25. If you want to make an audience truly uncomfortable, be sure to feature extreme closeups of unattractive actors in your film

Holiday Facts:
26.  Always choose a Secret Santa with an NRA membership-Dead End 

27. Christmas morning officially begins at 6:20 AM Bulgarian time

Sports & Athletics:
28. Telekinetic cupboards need to warm up before they can aim with any precision, sort of like Pedro Martinez-Tourist Trap 

29. Overachieving in butterfly swimming competitions is just asking for trouble-Martyrs 

30. Do not assign the antichrist 50 pushups unless you're really good at dodgeball-Fear No Evil 

31. The Village People aren’t the only beneficiaries of the YMCA

The Human Body:
32. It is quite possible to shoot a man’s arm off and beat someone to death with a broom-nightmare city-Nightmare City 

33. Satanists bleed sour milk and have elegant penmanship

Law & Order:
34. For a local sheriff, nothing is more embarrassing than calling the feds in to investigate missing persons; asking the local townspeople for some vigilante backup is far more reasonable-The Pit 

35. In Ohio, an Australian accent and hoodie are the next best thing to having a police badge-Feed 

36. Toy police cars are great reminders about who to go to when you fear for your wife’s life-The Sinful Dwarf 

37. Whining under your breath “C’mon guys,” will not prevent homeless gangs from looking at your car. Nor will wearing an earring-Candyman: Farewell to the Flesh 

38. Never let a man suspected of serial killing hold a steaming pot of coffee in your vicinity, particularly if you’re planning on confronting him about his possible guilt

On Cultural Differences:
39. Jewish people use the phrase ‘kosher’-Halloween 2 

40. Being nearly killed by a drunken boat driver will force you into indentured servitude to his WASPy family-Frogs 

41. Everybody in New England carries a full flask-Offspring 

42. Insurance investigators keep bike horns in glove compartments and are generally more annoying road companions than a family that insists on finishing 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall-In the Mouth of Madness 

43. Upon meeting a blind person, the first conversational query should not be “So, how long have you considered yourself handicapped?”-Silent Night, Deadly Night 3 

44. A white clown is not Caucasion: he is clown-Fear of Clowns 

45. In some cultures, attempting to rape a young woman is a sign of disrespect-Mahakal 

Useful Tidbits:
46. Always invest in a spill-proof urn following the cremation of a dear relation-Paranormal Entity 

47. Placing a satanic handbook nearby a piggy bank will connect evil forces to wild hogs-Evilspeak 

48. In a pinch, tampons make effective--and adorable--ear plugs-The Final Destination 

49. A sleazy pharmacist is a sloppy pharmacist-Deadtime Stories 

50. Everybody has to eat shaving cream once in a while-The Stuff

51. The girl that constantly shouts “I’m gonna kill you, bitch!” is usually not the girl that killed the bitch

Good Parenting:
52. Children are easily entertained by rather tragic stories of alcoholics stalking their mothers-Santa Claws 

53. Alcoholic caretakers make adequate babysitters-Cathy’s Curse 

54. When your son walks in on you having sex with his stepfather, avoid the urge to scuttle out of bed and stand half naked for an extended time period, thus showing off your fabulous breasts. By doing so, you risk a) seriously warping an already warped child’s fetishes and b) planting an instinctive target for anything undead to chew on-burial ground

55. The going rate for a rocket launcher in 2005 was one lung-Santa’s Slay 

56. Sex in a bad economy is worth one bag of millet-

Little Known History:
57. If you want to be totally 80s, get two divorces and a yeast infection. If all you can handle is Cleveland, stick to the 70s-Bad Dreams 

58. Ancient Egyptians had a groovily hungry god named Apep who may have been related to the Sarlac Pit-Joshua 

59. In the near future, neon hair dye will be in abundance and losing an eyeball will be awesome

Basic Safety:
60. The best way to defeat a martial arts master is to hope that he eventually falls on a blade or stray piece of sharp bamboo-We’re Going to Eat You 

61. If the only thing that will curse you is another person saying your name out loud, it’s probably not a good idea to constantly refer to yourself in the third person-Rumplestiltskin 

62. Playing with fireworks will blind, scar, and cripple you; other side effects include inspiring your mother to dress like Miss Piggy attending a 1950s tea party-Uncle Sam 

63. Tennis rackets, when used correctly, make excellent tools for demon bashing-Black Roses
64. Always read the instructions before firing a rocket launcher-Severance 

65. Saying “I have a plan” over and over again does not actually mean you have one-Paranormal Activity

66. The only way to survive an encounter with Vinnie Jones is to first sell him candy-Midnight Meat Train 

67. If male and drinking in a European tavern, always assume there is a gun pointed at your testicles 

Around the Home:
68. Fantastical treehouses that could only exist in cinema and television (just how did Bart or Homer build such a sturdy little cabin anyway?) are as flammable as they are impressive-Orphan 

69. One should remove all necklaces before going to sleep if not planning on being strangled by a bed

70. If I’m ever on death row, my choice of execution method will now be “beheading at the hands of well-choreographed mental patients dressed as exotic birds”

Thanks to all my wonderfully literate and supportive readers for one great year. Later this week, I'll attempt to compile a list of some of the best films I've sat through with you in mind. In the meantime, do your best to avoid homicidal furniture, darned kids, straight-to-DVD Hollywood remakes, cheerleaders, clowns with gym memberships, wisecracking turkeys, and any of the other villainous creations knocking on the Doll House's door.


  1. Wow...I can't believe you've been doing this for a year! I must grant you the biggest of congratulations and I can only wish you another hundred years of Deadly Dolls action! How you're going to stay alive that long, I don't know. Maybe oregano can help with that too?

  2. Grats on making it through your first year! As Matt said, I hope we get to see you around for many more years to come.

  3. Thanks two of my favorite bloggers/loyal feedback leavers!

    A Ouja board once told me that I'd live to be 94, but that was some years before the discovery of oregano, so we can certainly hope for 100. I'm sure I can track down a few virgins to sacrifice to stretch out that time. Just need to dig out my promiscuous snail farm and Scottish animal mask collection and it's a snap!

  4. Congrats on reaching a year! It hardly seems possible. Where does the time go? Thanks for all the great life lessons and reviews, and thanks for reminding me of something very important. This is a census year, and when it comes to the box for race I will be checking other and writing in Clown.

  5. Holy crap that's a lot of rules! I can't possibly be expected to remember them all! Will they all be on the quiz?

    (and also, FOC2 just went live on Amazon VOD--you can rent it for $2.99! A bargain on something so ripe for ridicule!)

  6. I think the only lesson that will really save any of our souls is that FOC2 is now available!

    As far as the other 70 go, I'd recommend getting a full body tattoo in neat penmanship.

  7. Congratulations! You're about 12 different kinds of awesome.

  8. Freakin' genious Emily. My favorite: 16. It's very possible to rape a woman to death without external genitalia

    The most awkward rape by claymation I've ever seen in a movie. Not that rape is ever comfortable but sweet jesus I don't think I've ever laughed so hard during a rape scene.

  9. Thanks fellas!

    And PoT, there are funnier rape scenes to be found. I implore you to check out The Stabilizer.

  10. Holy jeeze! Not only was that a very entertaining way for me get distracted at work, but it was also very inspiring. A whole year?! Friggin-a, lady. Well done.

  11. Thanks! It's especially comforting to know such great people have are reading so that my lessons are not wasting on saving the lives of the worthless.

  12. I plan on using these rules in a final exam I'll be giving my kindergarten class come June.

  13. I totally thought I replied to your comments but apparently didn't hit 'post' the third time through! Apologies for the tardiness.

    JV: I really hope Rumpie learns his lesson. I'm aching for a sequel.

    Merricat: That is amazing. Tell your students if they ace the test I'll pay for their college education! Or at the very least, buy them a lithium laptop battery!