Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Invited to The Uninvited (Which Leaves Me Grammatically Confused)

While browsing the thoroughly unimpressive horror section at Circuit City, a young man with a thoroughly impressive mohawk handed me a screener pass for The Uninvited, a film I wanted to see as badly as I want Lost to never explain the secret behind the four-toed statue (translation: not a lot). But because I'm physically incapable of not taking advantage of something free, I sat down for what I assumed would be disposable PG-13 pop with a quota to meet for twelve jump scares, at least five scenes where we see the lead's worried reaction before cutting to what horrifies her, and four Is-It-A-Dream? sequences that always leave me saying No, because nobody ever looks that good after just waking up. 

I'm not going into detail here because, well, The Uninvited was what it was meant to be. The performances were fine and a few moments made me slightly uneasy, but this is ultimately one of those glossy 'thrillers' that's simply made for an audience that has no objection to text messaging during viewing and will most likely have a mini dilemma over whether to rent  this or The Unborn from Blockbuster in two months time. 

Quick Disclaimer: Perhaps my words on this movie should not be taken as any kind of sacred text (because I assume the three people reading this consider me a filmic goddess with impeccable taste). My own theater experience was significantly affected by the fellow sitting behind me and his unquenchable need to break any mild tension by shouting some variation of  "She gonna get you, bitch/Get that bitch/That's a freaky bitch" during every quiet moment that involved a 'bitch' (freaky or otherwise).  Once or twice, this was actually more amusing than the film.

High Point:
Casting Elizabeth Banks allows me to post a picture of Michael Rooker

Low Points:
A score that tells you everything you need to know about how to feel in a scene

*The supreme mediocrity of this film has rendered me unable to recall anything else

Lessons Learned:
Proposing to your late wife's home nurse a mere 10 months after you became a widow in a freak explosion witnessed by your traumatized daughter is not a great idea, particularly if said daughter has just been released from a mental asylum

Ghosts of children that died in 1996 dress like Victorians and are kind of a drag

The secret to a good roast is to let it sit ten minutes before carving. If I made roasts, this would actually be useful.

Best Line: 
"I love you and I have a condom." (Bonus points for being the first words we hear in the entire film)

Full Price/Sneak In/Stay Home
Stay home. Or don't. See if I care. I don't. I won't be angry. I just...won'

Which ultimately sums up how I felt about this movie.


  1. I hate myself for wanting to see this. I hate watered down PG-13 shit films, especially remakes of J Horror. BUT it has Elizabeth Banks in it and she's probably my favorite actress working today. As the mayor said, "Bitch is hardcore".

  2. As far as watered down PG-13 remakes of superior Asian films go, you could do a lot worse (I'm glaring at you, Pulse). Banks gets to have a little fun in a role we haven't really seen her play, and the younger actresses are both quite good. The more I think about it, the more I realize the film itself isn't bad; it's the soundtrack that completely negates all the scares you would get if the filmmakers/studio/editors etc. (not necessarily the director; I don't know who gets veto power on sound FX) didn't have to rely on crescendos and other obviuos music cues to tell the audience how to feel and what to expect.

    It's competent. But also meh.