Different Places

Let's get one thing straight: Vampire In Vegas is not the same movie as Vegas Vampires, though both are about vampires that are in Vegas (or Vegas vampires, you might even say). 

Vampire In Vegas, which I watched on Peacock, has a 2.8 out of 10 rating on IMDB. Having watched Vampire In Vegas and put together this far too long writeup below, I can pretty safely say that 2.8 is a fair score. 

So...how bad can the even LOWER rated Vegas Vampires possibly be? 

And what does it say about me that my new top goal of the summer is to watch it because I NEED TO KNOW.

But that's a story for another day.

Quick Plot (of Vampire In Vegas, not Vegas Vampires): We open with what feels like a 20 minute narrative monologue by Tony Todd. I get it: you've probably (hopefully) spent most of your budget on locking down one of the genre's best voices, so why not lean in on your greatest strength?

Well, maybe because you still need compelling writing when it goes on...and on...and on.

Eventually, we get action in the form of B-roll footage for a tourism commercial selling the perks of Las Vegas. It's one of the more visually aggressive credits sequences I've survived. What starts as panning over popular landmarks quickly turns into unreasonable zoom-in and zoom-outs on the same landmarks. It's upsetting. It kind of hurts. But then there's a brief shot of a cat, and what do you know? I'm suddenly back on board.

No wonder why this is .4 points higher than Vegas Vampires, which, I have to assume, does not include a cat, much less a shot of Tony Todd holding said cat.

And now, a quick rundown of our players (of which there are way, way too many):

- Tony Todd as a vampire who as noted above, in one scene, holds a cat

- The cat. The cat only has one scene. No wonder why this couldn't crack a 3

- A lady scientist charged with developing a sun-blocking serum for Tony Todd vampire 

- The lady scientist's cleavage

- A pair of campers who witness a lot of self-combustion as lady doctor tests out serums in the Vegas desert. If you're thinking, "what are their names and should we invest any energy in learning more?", I'm here to tell you, "No."

- A male detective whose thing is bowties

- A lady detective whose wardrobe, I warn you, may lead me into a 1000+word essay on why men should not..just, should not

- The lady detective's cleavage

- Renfield! In this case, Tony Todd's campaign manager because what more could a 300 year old vampire want but the US presidency?

- An engaged couple who rudely have their morning sex run late as the groom's friends wait outside to drive him to their camping trip

- His terrible aughts bro friends who are actually going to take him to Vegas for a full bachelor party hell

- A lady vampire 

- The lady vampire's cleavage

- The lady vampire's torso

- A vampire doorman 

This is a LOT of characters for a very, very bad film. There's also such a messy story at play that I beg your forgiveness with my very confused summary. I won't even try to call out a single character's name. I'm already doing a lot of work here, and considering this movie's opening credits assaulted me, I feel like I owe it very little. 

At some point, our characters end up in one place: a vampire night club.

It's a strip joint where no one actually takes off their clothes, possibly because the budget couldn't afford it. One stripper dressed as a naughty schoolgirl gives a speedy lapdance, rushes through her lines in the style of the Micromachine Man, grabs a pencil and notebook out of her skirt to land a punchline and hurls it off to the side so quickly that I'm convinced this woman was charging the production by the minute. 

I haven't even gotten to the homemade CGI or incredibly confusing rules about vampirism that this movie seems to change every time a new character shows up. At one point, our hero (it takes a really long time to figure out we have one) drinks a vial of Tony Todd's blood, sprouts vampire bat wings, and can teleport across town...in broad daylight. Is that a thing? 

Vegas Vampires is directed by Jim Wynorski, a legend of low budget cinema who made everything from the underrated Chopping Mall to CobraGator and dozens--seriously, dozens--of movies with some variation of "breast" in the title. A sampling:

Despite helming something called The Hills Have Thighs, I think, and this is purely conjecture, that this man likes boobs. Not that you actually SEE any naked boobs in Vampire In Vegas. Just cleavage. Cleavage pushed up higher than the high heels that our lady detective wears on the job...while hiking through the desert to investigate a homicide. 

This is a movie universe where a powerful vampire who survived three centuries is ultimately bested by a skinny dude with a tree branch. I shouldn't expect much. At least I get the exact closing line I hoped for when I saw the title:

High Points

We will never have another Tony Todd, and while I'm a little sad to think of him bringing his classically trained skills to this mess, it's never a bad thing to see him onscreen

Low Points

Picking the worst thing about a very bad movie isn't easy, but you know what? You've got legendary Tony Todd and you dress him in a Kmart Dracula Halloween costume? That's cruel

Lessons Learned

One does not smoke LSD

O-negative blood is very rare, and that's why city blood bank facilities keep their limited selection stored at unregulated room temperature in shoddy ziplock bags

Doorman 101 curriculum does not overlap with Vampire Doorman 101 Curriculum

Careful where you lean in a laboratory. Some are equipped with exposed high voltage indoor fences

Rent/Bury/Buy

As you might guess by the dissertation I've now written on Vampire In Vegas, I found far more to this movie than I ever expected. Folks: it's reallllllly bad. Bad in that way that demands a LOT of introspection. 

What am I doing with my life?