What's the Opposite of an "Urban" Legend?

As someone born in 1982 who therefore spent the bulk of filmgoing in the '90s, it's fascinating to see the current pendulum swing on genre cinema of that era. I had a big moment of reevaluation when I revisited Disturbing Behavior, and ever since then, I've found myself not just charmed, but sometimes surprisingly impressed by movies that I as a surely teenager wrote off 20+ years ago. Would Campfire Tales, a rare anthology, have the same effect?

Spoiler alert: no.

Quick Plot: After a quick teaser starring Amy Smart and vampire James Marsden (not a vampire in the story, just a human celebrity vampire who doesn't age) as a couple encountering the urban legendary hook man, we meet our storytellers: two young couples with very familiar faces drunkenly speeding late at night. They crash in the woods, start a fire, and indulge in their titular routine. 

The first tale follows a pair of newlyweds on an RV trip through the woods. A mysterious mechanic stops by and warns them of a murderer on the loose, but they brush that away as the ravings of a mad man. Naturally, they soon find themselves mysteriously out of gas. Rick (Ron Livingston, savoring the chance to push a Long Island accent on innocent cinema goers) discovers the mechanic brutally murdered, and tries to get back in time to warn his wife. Things don't end well.

Up next is a standard chat room PSA about being catfished before we used the term 'catfish.' A young girl is excited to be left home alone with her dog (don't get attached) and soccer ball, but she makes the mistake of telling her online pal. Things...don't end well.

Last up is the saga of an aimless motorcyclist (Glenn Quinn) who runs into mechanical trouble just outside the sprawling horse farm of a beautiful, mute young woman who's adequate enough at charades for them to quickly fall in love. The only thing standing between them is her abusive father and choker necklace. Things, you know, end as they do.

Back to the campfire, our youths are finally found and - 

you know.

Campfire Tales was made right before Scream exploded the market for mostly mediocre teen slashers. On that front, I can appreciate its almost old school charm. Urban Legend would do a better job of this a few years later, but Campfire Tales is still watchable. The stories move quickly. They have to, since there's not much to any of them. 

The first is the best, probably because Livingston and Jennifer MacDonald carry it well and it moves at such a brisk pace. The second goes the other route: it can't be more than 20 minutes, but the story just doesn't really move in one direction. It ends on a classic urban legend beat, but takes such a convoluted route there that I can't imagine anyone caring. Then again, I spent the entire thing telling myself, "you know they're gonna kill the dog and spare the kid," so in fairness, that might have been my own problem. The haunted farmhouse has a little bit of poetry to its soul. That doesn't mean it's good...just that it clearly tried. 

Directed by the trio of Matt Cooper, Martin Kunert, and David Semel and written by a slightly different trio of Kunert, Cooper, and Eric Manes, Campfire Tales is probably most interesting as a taste of the '90s seasoned by a heaping tablespoon of before-they-were-famous stars. It's fine. Never scary and not particularly funny, but considering how few horror anthologies the '90s gave us, it's an interesting relic.

High Points

Anthologies should fundamentally be about comeuppance, making the final reveal of Campfire Tales feel very right

Low Points

The more I think about that poorly paced second segment AND the fact that it ended with a lovable golden retriever massacred, the angrier I get at everything

Lessons Learned

Don't promise M&Ms before you've evaluated your surroundings

Crows only squawk at night if stirred

Everyone needs to learn what it means to be free, which is the kind of thing someone with a broken down motorcycle would say

Rent/Bury/Buy

There's a particular nostalgia people of a certain get now when we think back to the '90s, and Campfire Tales, with its dial-up tech and choker fashion, will certainly fuel it with Diet Snapple. This isn't a very good movie, but the stories are short, and the wraparound has a rewarding payoff. Watch it on Peacock if the mood strikes.