Definitely Not Square

I've had a fairly disappointing run with newer genre movies as of late. When in doubt, head to the 1970s!

Quick Plot: Two U.S. Coast Guard pilots are charged with taking their chopper over the feared "Satan's Triangle" region to investigate a floating yacht. The wonderfully named Pagnolini is, in the words of his winchman Haig, a bit of a square, the kind of stiff and responsible soldier who prefers church to bars. Haig, on the other hand, seems to spend the majority of his brainspace searching for single ladies. 

Where better to find one but in the middle of an ocean? The beautiful weather takes a sudden turn as Haig is lowered onto the boat. Pagnolini has to head back to refuel, leaving his less than reluctant pal to count the dead bodies and calm Eva, the sole survivor with wild tales to tell. 

It helps that Eva is played by Kim Novak in '70s bombshell glory. After she recovers from her understandable shock, Eva recounts the strange events of the day before. Her boyfriend (well, employer) was a wealthy man named Hal (Dallas's Jim Davis!) intent on catching a large fish with the assistance of his greedy assistant Strickland (the always welcome Ed Lauter). Their plans were thwarted when the captain spotted a priest floating in the ocean, rescuing the holy man who recounted his OWN tale of the day before mysteriously violent events. 

Satan's Triangle was made for television by industry veteran Sutton Roley, and the foggy visuals and timed breaks for commercials serve as a reminder of the format 50+ years later. But that aside, this was delightfully creepy. This very particular genre had a tight window to get its job. At just 75 minutes, William Read Woodfield's script gives us everything we need in just the right dose, while the experienced cast manages to make their characters pop even with brief screentime. 

Plus, it's just FUN. 

Plopped smack in the middle of the Me Decade, Satan's Triangle is a product of its time in the best of ways. Its hero is a jowly letch, its heroine, a thoughtful sex worker. But somewhere between cackling millionaires and dummy death drops, Roley tells a genuinely eerie ghost story. It's a delight.

High Points

By GOLLY does this have a satisfying ending, particularly if you read it as a gloriously ahead-of-its-time condemnation of mansplaining

Low Points

No fault of the film itself, but if the Amazon Prime cut is the best we can do, understand that you might be straining your eyes to make out some things. Made-for-TV was never really designed for the big screen (or even a mobile device in 2024)

Lessons Learned

Believing in god means believing in the devil (but not necessarily the Easter Bunny)

The lord loves prostitutes 

The devil may do a lot of bad things, but he also supports waterproof eyeliner

Rent/Bury/Buy

Maybe I've just been watching too many underwhelming newer releases as of late, but I had a magnificent time with Satan's Triangle. The '70s charm works magic, but its the surprising craftsmanship across the board that makes this an effectively unsettling yard. Give it a go on Prime when the mood strikes.