Reunited And It Feels So Bad

If 42 years of watching genre movies has taught me anything, it's that nothing is more unpleasant than a mixed batch of attractive young people. 

Quick Plot: A few years removed from college, seven former besties reunite at a secluded cabin after they each get a mailed invitation teasing someone's big news. 

We've got:

Logan, a type-A Yale Law grad turned soulless (but stylish) defense attorney

Her ex-fiance Gil, a moody surgical intern

James, a dentist itching to put a baby inside-

Rowan, his wife, a perky fitness instructor with secrets on her cell phone

Roger, a stoner 

Andy, a less intense lady stoner

and Zach, a sad sack tentatively recovering from some recent trauma (fired, dumped, attempted suicide, having terrible but attractive friends)

The gang catches up quickly before instantly falling back into old habits of lust, envy, and five other things hinted at in the film's description. As the sun sets and tensions rise, they piece together what should be a pretty terrifying reveal: there is no news. None of the seven sent the letter, meaning someone else has gathered them in an isolated space with no cell service.

Most people would be a bit freaked out. Maybe, I don't know, get in their car and drive away immediately? This group will figure it out in the morning. 

The next day, Gil and James hit the road but are thwarted by a flat tire. As they exit the car to fix it, things randomly escalate into a screaming match. Gil reminds James that he knows how he cheated on Rowan with Andy on their wedding night (who has the TIME?!) and James promptly responds by breaking Gil's would-be surgeon's hand.

These people are AWESOME.

Back at the cabin, everyone continues to vie for the title of The Worst. A game of truth or dare goes as well as you'd expect. Bedmates are shuffled, accusations hurled, more punches thrown, and eventually, a few sexy bodies turn into bloody corpses. 

The Alpines was clearly made with limited time and resources by first-time director Dante Aubain and writer Mally Corrigan (who also stars as Logan). It's certainly an admirable effort, and in terms of story, is clearly trying to do something new in playing with a typical cabin-in-the-woods setup that's actually pure character drama. This movie sits in the horror section of Amazon Prime which isn't quite accurate, though you'd be hard-pressed to find any takers in drama. 

Because, I'm sorry, but The Alpines is pretty miserable. 

The cast shows some skill, but the actors are, unfortunately, stuck playing the most insufferable twentysomethings I've met in quite a while (AND I WATCH A LOT OF HORROR MOVIES). Unlikable characters aren't always a death knell for a story, but when said characters don't even like EACH OTHER, it's hard for the audience to justify why they have to spend 86 minutes with them.

To its credit, The Alpines KNOWS these people are flawed. They even dismiss any outside interference because no one else in college even LIKED them enough to become a stalker. THAT's actually funny.

But the rest of this movie is not. It's genuinely unpleasant. The final act is interesting, but the execution, excruciating. Each character gets meaner and dumber as the stakes get higher. Even after the climax, we're left with our jaws on the floor at the film's smartest character making an incredibly dumb decision. All this for a final beat that tries to twist things one more time only to not make sense. 

High Points

I'll spoil something here to give the movie some kind of justification for being (skip if you're planning on watching unappealing people scream at each other). When we get our reveal that Zach has orchestrated this circus, his reasoning is sad: the day he tried to kill himself, he called ALL SIX OF HIS BEST FRIENDS EVER and not one of them picked up or even thought to call him back. Again, in case it wasn't clear, THESE PEOPLE ARE TERRIBLE. But hey, if ANYONE in the audience of The Alpines watches this and realizes they should answer the phone when a sad loved one reaches out, maybe this did SOMETHING? 

Low Points

No, seriously: this is a movie about seven "best friends" who absolutely hate each other

Lessons Learned

Kids do Adderall all the time

If you don't want people to mock you for wearing a cape, just don't wear a cape around the kind of people you know will mock you for wearing a cape

In the minds of dentists, no one flosses enough

Rent/Bury/Buy

If you're grading on a sharp indie curve, The Alpines is competent. That doesn't make it satisfying or even enjoyable, though at least it has some ambition. You can find it on Amazon Prime.