It's Really Coming Down Out There

 

It's never a good thing to watch a horror movie and wonder if the Hallmark Christmas version would be better, but when a film comes loaded with a Hallmark-ready title and Lifetime-budget CGI, it's inevitable. 

Quick Plot: Five college pals head to rich daddy's boy River's remote cabin for a New Year's celebration. As the alcohol flows, the snow comes down hard, quickly trapping them inside and shutting down the power. With no cell service, things look grim.

Thankfully (or not), med student Eden has a big old brain loaded with tricks about how to survive hypothermia. Apparently, such a process is far less fun than death. 

There's no more drinking, sleeping, Twizzlers, or fresh snowcones to be had. Instead, the group must battle their own psyches and paranoia amid the rampant hallucinations that come with, well, no sleeping or Twizzlers. 

It's a good idea for a low budget horror movie, and make no mistake: despite literal phoned (well, Zoomed)-in cameos by Patrick Fabian and hey! Hallmark favorite Jonathan Bennett, Snow Falls is not an expensive film. There's a CGI snowman that makes me wonder if both late '90s incarnations of Jack Frost were ahead of their time. Digital snow that makes Tubi originals look fancy. And so on. 

Written, directed, and co-starring Colton Tran, Snow Falls has the benefit of streaming on Amazon Prime, where I've recently watched some pretty insufferable horror movies from this decade. This one is pretty far from being what anyone would call good, but it feels less offensive than some of its peers. 

The main downside of Snow Falls is that it lacks a certain spark. The first scene suggests we're in for a batch of obnoxious young people who complain about things like seat belts, but quickly, they become less awful and more dull. We've got shy good boy River (The Passenger's Johnny Berchtold), fit Kit (played by Tran), hypochondriac Em, and her boyfriend Andy (whose main defining trait is "boyfriend"). Eden stands out for her medical knowledge and backstory involving a recently deceased mom, the latter of which seems like it's intended to go somewhere spooky or heartfelt and simply...doesn't. 

The setup of Snow Falls gives plenty of opportunity for surprise, but unfortunately, that only seems to work on its characters. The audience is always aware that any moment of hope is a hallucination. That gets old fast, even in just 80 minutes.

High Points

You know what? I learned a lot about hypothermia! That's useful!

Low Points

An 80 minute educational video about hypothermia may have been more suspenseful

Lessons Learned

When you have 11K followers, people expect to hear from you

To survive hypothermia, you have to be very, very lame

There's always a very sharp piece of furniture when tensions rise

Rent/Bury/Buy

Snow Falls is far from the worst little thriller you'll find on Prime, but it's still hard to summon any real reason to recommend it.