As is tradition these last 15+ years (honestly, who can count anymore in this economy?) we begin to close out the Deadly Doll's House calendar year (which runs to January 31st for multiple reasons that you now need an appendix to understand) by extracting our favorite, most educational lesson gleaned from all the movies covered these last 365 days.
Categorized, of course, like any good Jeopardy! board.
Urban Living
When moving into an NYC walkup, do everything in your power to make sure you hear that mover ring the doorbell. It's literally the difference between life and death (in this case) or life and a very strained back -- Woman of the Hour
The People In Your Neighborhood
You can always count on a '90s movie killer to speak in sadistic dad jokes -- Virtuosity
Nobody gives great accounting quite like a weirdo -- Out of the Dark
The only thing worse than a missionary at your door is a person eager to talk with the missionaries at your door -- Heretic
Technology In Government
Top secret military installations don't allow thumb drives, though they do grant personal access to Facebook -- War of the Worlds
Political Science
There's simply no such thing as an honest mayor in any town that has a water source -- Alligator
What's In a Name?
A furniture salesman can solve your table problems, not name your newborn -- The Coffee Table
Never confuse an arms dealer with an impotent terrorist -- Beyond the Poseidon Adventure
Being a caddy and naming your dog Caddy is a life choice rife for confusion -- Blades
Hair Today...
Nothing brings your hair to Pantene PRO-V level glory than being a kept woman -- The Free Fall
The Art of Cinema
Setting your film in a graveyard is a great trick for directors looking to take home a prop that includes their name -- The Gravedancers
The easiest shorthand to imply 'unhinged psychopath' is simply casting David Patrick Kelly -- Dreamscape
What They Don't Teach In Med School
Nothing sterilizes your tools for organ removal more effectively than windy saltwater breezes -- Dead Sea
O-negative blood is very rare, and that's why city blood bank facilities keep their limited selection stored at unregulated room temperature in shoddy ziplock bags -- Vampire In Vegas
UK laxatives are incredibly ineffective -- The Tournament
On the Road
Everyone needs to learn what it means to be free, which is the kind of thing someone with a broken down motorcycle would say -- Campfire Tales
Architecture & Design
Corporate windows are a lot thicker than they look -- Wake Up
To the Skies
Any pilot knows never to nose in -- The Disappearance
It's bad luck to board a flight without saying I love you -- Flight 7500
Parenting
Before you leave your grandchild in the arms of his new adopted mother, maybe make sure she knows how to support his infant head? -- Children of the Corn V: Fields of Terror
They don't teach screaming in lamaz -- Smashup On Interstate 5
So much of early motherhood is cutting fruit into small pieces -- The Feast
Not Parenting
Ladies, please remember that you are under no obligation to carry an antichrist to term -- Children of the Corn 666: Isaac's Return
Childing
A good son keeps an 8 x 10 glamour shot of his mother framed on his work desk -- Too Close to Home
Scuba diving involves far too much time math -- The Dive
Much like Gallagher's humor, the best vessel for communicating tai chi is smashed watermelon -- TC 2000
Potent Potables
There's no such thing as a good domestic pinot noir -- Never Talk to Strangers
Culinary Adventures
Eerie days call for hot soup -- Exhuma
There's no better consolation than chocolate -- The Ugly Stepsister
Always keep a charcuterie board ready, even (or especially) if you live in a remote with few chances of visitors -- Oddity
Risotto has a better track record in horror than Top Chef -- House of Spoils
Forensics for Dummies
Dead bodies are easier to cope with than dead husbands -- Nightwatch
When covering up a murder, never forget the crepes -- Everyone Will Burn
To properly identify a body, one must check the face and feet -- The Red Shoes
Historical Fashion
Women wore a lot of eyeliner in the late nineteenth century -- The Cursed
Chicks love baths -- The Lamp
Freud Would Never
Fear comes in many forms, including 3' tall hamburgers -- Making Contact
The best way to jog a psychotic patient's memory is to expose him to closeups of the thing he fears most -- Genocide
Timeless Wisdom
A stopped watch is haunted at least twice a day -- The Damned
When you get old, you prepare for the apocalypse -- Deliver Us
Survival Essentials
Chekhov's law of skinny dipping remains unbroken: your clothes will be stolen. Accept it -- The Hole In the Fence
To survive hypothermia, you have to be very, very lame -- Snow Falls
If your week has been filled with hallucinations that are quickly proved to be just that, maybe wait two minutes before making a rash decision based off a visual display that seems incredibly shocking and unbelievable -- The Dark and the Wicked
Never turn your back on a human sacrifice -- Azrael
Fame!
So long as the Wisconsin Convention Center offers you more than $10K for a comic convention, you're still a star -- House of Bones
NEXT WEEK: The best of the year roundup! WEEK AFTER: The Shortening!
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